Massive argument with H over reading with DC

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DS is nearly 6 and autistic. Diagnosisd young. Was unclear if he was going to manage in mainstream but he's going from strength to strength and now in Year 1
Still Behind his peers. Awaiting EHCP result but we are doing better now than ever

Monday - Friday he reads his reading books at bedtime with H while I deal with younger DC.

DS has horrible cold. He's been back at school and had a dance club tonight. He is clearly knackered.

At bedtime DS started crying saying he didn't want to read. H insisting. H himself has been grumpy all evening and had a nap at 6pm on the sofa. H seems to instantly get v frustrated, saying to DS "youre reading the whole book or im taking your ipad away for next two days". DS crying more and more. H becoming more frustrated. DS then starts screaming and biting things and trying to tear his pillow. I try to calm DS. Cuddle him. He calms. I get him to clear up the things he threw on the floor. He reads half the book as compromise and then fell asleep.

H had already stormed downstairs. He's furious. Says "if you want to be a slack parent then fucking be one. He doesn't get to dictate the terms. He's a child and he reads the whole fucking book every night. And you've ruined it" etc etc.

I took offence at being called slack given I do all his school meetings, have done all the horrendous EHCP stuff, and I'm really proud of progress we have made

He's so angry with me. Says I'm ruining him.

Me and H really had a nasty fight. Was I unreasonable?

Trust your instincts, protect your boy.

No autism here but I wouldn't ever force my kids to read. I don't see the relevance of the autism at all. It's normal to not want to do hard stuff when you're really tired.

The priority with bringing up kids is will they still want to see you when they're adults. Not whether they learn to read slightly quicker.

Your partner sounds awful to be honest. Are you sure you want to stay with him?

I'm assuming your husband's inflexible attitude to changing routine is down to him being on the spectrum. In which case use your knowledge of ASD to explain why at times it's ok to vary from routine. That sometimes we need to see it from someone else's point of view and see that your son felt too unwell. Ask him to remember when he was young and unwell and how overwhelming that can be.

Absolute twat. Great way to make your child hate reading.

God that's horrible, sounds like a nasty vile bully. Well done for doing the right thing by your son.

H behaved really badly.

He owes you and DS an apology and he needs to do better at managing his anxiety over DS.

I'm guessing he won't admit he did anything wrong though.

Sorry you're dealing with this.

So its alright for your H to be tired and need a sleep on the sofa but not ok for a 6 year old to be too tired to read his whole book? Your poor DS

What an utter twat. I’m going to guess your DH isn’t a millionaire himself, but maybe if he wasn’t having naps he’d be more successful (following his own logic).

I really, really don't think you undermined him - I think you provided a useful (dare I say "sane") perspective. I also would have cracked up at "do you think millionaires are tired and don't work when they don't feel like it" - what a mad thing to say! I hope you and your DS are OK.

@mathanxiety you're 100% right. There is no way he will say he did anything wrong. In his head it is ME who has done something (very) wrong.

I appreciate PP suggesting I speak to him but I can't describe how impossible that would be to get him to see my way.

Your husband sounds thick as shit

Reconsider your life with this bully.

I would recommend your DH attends a autism parenting course, or family counselling. He needs someone external to talk to & let him know his attitude and behaviour are not ok. If he won’t agree he will only continue to cause problems for you all.

It's fine to undermine him - he's abusive towards your child.

My ex was like this. I was constantly trying to smooth things over. It was causing a huge cognitive dissonance trying to support parenting that I knew was completely wrong.

Trying to force kids to do things doesn't work. Treat them with love and respect and let them have some control and they will mostly do what you want anyway, without all the stress.

That's why he went so crazy too @Nowdontmakeamess because when he started saying how slack I was...I said that I'm the one who had gone on the asd course, read the books, gone to school sessions etc. And he lost it then. He hasn't read one page. I even found podcasts for him. But he wont.

He sounds horrendous. Poor you.

What's your position like for leaving? Do you have work/money? Would H want 50/50 or be an EOW kind of dad? Do you have other support?

You sound like a great mum who has, unfortunately, chosen a dickhead for dad. Which is not your fault as we none of us know what kind of parents we'll be until we are, much less for an autistic child, for all some people like to suggest that this can all be accounted for and planned in advance. Doesn't sound like he's much of a husband either. So time to take a long cold clear eyed look at what you want your life and your childrens' lives to look like, and think about the steps you have to make to get as close to that as possible given your own particular set of circumstances. Courage OP. And never, ever let him browbeat you into parenting against your instincts. You are your son's mother and he is not the boss of you; if he is frightening and upsetting and disregulating your child, you undermine the fuck out of him and never apologise.

I'm usually the first one to say when a man is being abusive but I think pps are going a little overboard, ultimately a clearly tired child was asked to read, he refused and cried, dad (also a little grumpy) got annoyed at him and although he cried is fine and read half a book.

I don't think your husband is abusive OP. He's also feeling grumpy and tired, we are all allowed to have off days and get irritated with our children. It's not the end of the world.

For what it's worth, your DC is autistic, your DH has got angry and gone OTT that his routine has changed, is DH ASD too?

Do millionaires take a nap at 6pm?

In all seriousness, the richest man on the planet spends half his life amplifying absolute drivel on social media. The analogy no longer works.

Agree that it's unacceptable behaviour from your husband.

Side note: can your DS stay home from school for a couple of days? I'm sure the other parents won't thank you for sending him in with a horrible cold.

this

If the kids unwell, one night of not reading is not going to hurt him.
Husband massively being an arsehole. That's really awful to your son. Well done for sticking up for your boy xx

I agree to a point. He is allowed to be irritated of course. And when DS cries he believes DS is maniplautin the situation. DH thinks when I cry I'm trying to manipulate him too. So crying is a big thing for DH. But DH slept on the sofa this evening. Has been grumpy. And then doesn't allow his 5 year old the same understanding. And then he screams at me. Slamming doors. H gets 8 or 9 solid hours of sleep every night. I'm up with the little one every night. It's not a one off.

What does he bring to you and DS life other than being an authoritarian dickhead?

I can’t believe he was asleep on the sofa at 6, is that normal?

He sounds abusive, he should not be slamming doors. I’d be saying - either he gets therapy to deal with his anger, AND he engages with your son’s diagnosis information. Or off he pops.

I don't think he's abusive. I think he's bad at reading the nuances of the situation.

But look, it's clear where the kid gets the autism from. Marriages to autistic men work IF they understand to trust the woman's judgment.

Good luck with that, in particular.