Massive argument with H over reading with DC

[ibrow]

DS is nearly 6 and autistic. Diagnosisd young. Was unclear if he was going to manage in mainstream but he's going from strength to strength and now in Year 1
Still Behind his peers. Awaiting EHCP result but we are doing better now than ever

Monday - Friday he reads his reading books at bedtime with H while I deal with younger DC.

DS has horrible cold. He's been back at school and had a dance club tonight. He is clearly knackered.

At bedtime DS started crying saying he didn't want to read. H insisting. H himself has been grumpy all evening and had a nap at 6pm on the sofa. H seems to instantly get v frustrated, saying to DS "youre reading the whole book or im taking your ipad away for next two days". DS crying more and more. H becoming more frustrated. DS then starts screaming and biting things and trying to tear his pillow. I try to calm DS. Cuddle him. He calms. I get him to clear up the things he threw on the floor. He reads half the book as compromise and then fell asleep.

H had already stormed downstairs. He's furious. Says "if you want to be a slack parent then fucking be one. He doesn't get to dictate the terms. He's a child and he reads the whole fucking book every night. And you've ruined it" etc etc.

I took offence at being called slack given I do all his school meetings, have done all the horrendous EHCP stuff, and I'm really proud of progress we have made

He's so angry with me. Says I'm ruining him.

Me and H really had a nasty fight. Was I unreasonable?

You're absolutely in the right

Have you got a parents evening coming up? Ask the teacher if you should be forcing unwell, autistic little child to read, in front of your DH of course. I’m sure the teacher will say no of course not, then it’s not you undermining him.

He's their dad. So there is no "getting them away from him" really. What would have happened if I wasn't there tonight because we were split and it was DH's week with them? I honestly don't know.

I'm SO sorry that you've been made to feel you're failing at 'advocating for your kids' OP. I really don't think that was the poster's intention, I think it more likely, that like so many of us who have read your post, this poster was frustrated on your behalf, that you're having to deal with such a difficult husband, whilst also having to fight to get your DS everything that he needs in order to have better opportunities in life.

It does sound like you're really not happy in this relationship, and the fact that you seem convinced that there is no changing your husbands opinions or ideas, once he's made up his mind about something, does make me think that you should really be giving some thought as to whether you and your children would be better off without him in your lives on a daily basis. Of course only you know whether separating is likely to make things better or worse, but I would certainly be giving it some thought, otherwise it looks like you and your children are in for some long and difficult years ahead. Sending you a hug by way of support, you're really doing a GREAT job!!

Your husband is an absolute dickhead. I’d be off.

I grew up with an ASD brother and my mum stayed firm on stuff like this as she did with me, reading a book a night used to be common practice. I also maintained this with my daughter now 24 and a dr.

Hi OP,

It sounds like things are a struggle right now and your DH is not handling things at all. I want to give you some direct advice in response to your post. If your DH will not listen to you and he ends up digging his heels in all the time, then write it down either in a text/email/handwritten. Explain in calm objective terms the effect his behaviour has on your autistic son. And that you will not tolerate it.
tell him he either engages with you like an adult and discusses your child’s needs reasonably (and takes steps to inform himself about ASD) OR you will ask him to leave for the sake of your kids because you can’t risk your DS having to regulate himself by biting his pillow etc. after scenes like this.
Stand firm, you have support here. Send me a message if you feel it would help.(I’ve been in a similar situation)

You need to decide if it’s worth working at. Log all these “incidents” if you want to go it alone and aim for full custody.

if you want to work at it, find a specialist who can come to your home and speak to you both in person about parenting. You may find they could also be useful for capturing evidence of his views and methods…

your son will grow and learn from what he sees around him, you know in your heart if this behaviour will scar him. One day your son will be able to choose. Don’t parent like your H wants you too…

A rational man would have left you to it and afterwards had a calm conversation. Something like,
thanks for getting him to sleep. Did he settle in the end? I was tired and grumpy and I'm sorry because I probably hashed that up. I am concerned that he wasn't reading his whole book because I'm keen to get him up to speed with his year group. How can we work together to do that?

This!

@ibrow I always found DC read much better earlier on in the evening when they were less tired. Maybe worth trying to move the reading earlier? Then you read to him at bedtime later

Yes, I used to as part of voluntary work.
Its not uncommon for men who were raised with the toughen up boys, men don’t cry, put your back into it, no excuses not to work tend to replicate that on their sons never realising that they succeeded in spite of the above rather than because of it. Generally, it’s women who do the inner work of reflecting on how they were parented, what sort of parent they want to be, and then adjusting to the child.

Agree @Haemagoblin.

@ibrow, well done for being a loving parent to your DS.

At 6, if they’re feeling ill and shattered and just want to snuggle down to sleep, why force them to read at all? That’s tyrannical.

As usual, the yardstick is ‘would you do that to an adult?’. If the answer’s no, why do it to a child? Who’d rant and rave at an adult to read a book when they were feeling ill and wanted to sleep?

Does your DH often put your DS under such pressure? If so, it’s no wonder he has meltdowns, autism or not. It must be really stressful. My DS could barely read a thing before he was 7. By 9, he was devouring really thick books (Harry Potter etc) within a few days. No SEN. Just kids developing at different rates. Now studying for a Physics degree. He didn’t have any access to screens at that age, though. So, in bed, the choices were limited: reading, quiet playing or sleep.

Sounds like your DH struggles with empathy and needs to get support with parenting. Did he have high expectations on him when growing up?

He also needs to respect you as a parent. Whether you remain a couple or not. Anger isn’t acceptable.

You need to get him away from his abusive other parent. It sounds extremely distressing living with him and things would be much calmer without him.

Keep a log of everything and you fight to make sure you’re the majority parent. I don’t think it has to be 50/50? You seek legal advice. You record all that’s going on- the shouting, door slamming, not accepting your son’s diagnosis. Of course you can’t control what he does on his parenting time but you can make your own safe space for you and the kids.

It reminds me of my dad, used to make me sit at the table for about 4/5 hours when I was little until I ate all my dinner. It’s like a pissing contest - they have to be boss and it’s gross. What did it achieve? I have massive issues with him, I didn’t eat a certain food for years despite liking it, had issues with binging / not eating at various times.

This is very true. Where a couple split up due to behaviour that affects the kids, the behaviour continues for the kids whenever they’re with that parent, but without the balance/regulation/protection of the other parent.

So it all comes down to custody arrangements.

But if the adult is tired and grumpy they find a compromise. 1 page of reading is enough when a child is tired. Or he could have said ok, we’re both tired, you go to sleep. An adult doesn’t turn it into a rant and push a small child into a melt down. I’ve heard if picking your battles, adults shouldn’t start them.
An adult should be able to regulate themself where a child is still learning.

I have three children with ASD, they’re older than yours now but they weren’t when I split from their dad. He couldn’t cope with their ASD, didn’t want to engage with their needs and the house was an angry mess all the time because of it.

after we split they still spent time with their dad, he still did things his way when they were with him BUT home was safe. Home supported them, home fit around them, home knew their ASD needs, home taught them to support each other, home gave them confidence to try, home gave them security to step out into new things. And in time their dad got more with the program and he started to manage them better and it’s all pretty successful now but if I’d stayed, if the children had never had a safe place, never had a dependable parent, they wouldn’t be where they are now.

ones off to university soon, another heading for 7-9s at GCSE, the little one still has a way to go yet but is making good progress, all are active parts of society, and most importantly all of them are happy. All these things seemed impossible even to hope for 9 years ago when i still lived with their father.

its scary to go it alone but with ASD kids sometimes it just has to be done. Good luck

Your husband was behaving like a tyrant who has had an empathy bypass. If he's going to behave like such a prick then he can expect to be undermined, because of his dickhead behaviour.

Your DS is very young, tired and at the moment not particularly well. It should have come as no surprise to your husband that on this occasion he just needed to snuggle down and fall asleep, as many poorly children would, autistic or not.

I think you did the right thing. Don't back down. Your husband was spiteful and ridiculous, especially with his comments about millionaires FFS. Do not back down and try to placate him. If he behaves like a total arse then he needs to be told and treated like one.

You might need to consider all options with regard to the future of your relationship for the sake of your children. I know that it is worrying that they could end up spending time with him when you would not be around, but their time with you without him present would be a haven. It's something you would have to weigh up.

Has your OH come to terms with your son's needs? It sounds like he hasn't accepted his diagnosis yet.

I think (from experience) being the advocate, the driver, the championing parent helps you come to terms with the situation more quickly than the more passive parent. It sounds like you OH didn't take into account your son being tired because he's still trying to pretend everything is fine.

That doesn't mean he wasn't at fault; he was, but I think he needs to work on his own needs to accept the situation better. Then he can adapt to help him instead.

@ibrow,

You’re doing a fantastic job. You did everything right by taking over the bedtime. As your DS is autistic, there will still be meltdowns for some years to come. You or your DH will misread a situation and DS will go into a meltdown. Hopefully you can explain to your DH that it’s not a question of who is right and who is wrong, but what DS needs. I agree that reading should perhaps be moved earlier in the day to minimise tiredness caused meltdowns. Bedtime should be relaxing and without stress. In addition, adults are tired at the end of the day too, so you and DH should take turns doing bedtime with DS /caring for younger DC.

@ibrow The issue with the DH approach is that DS is associating reading with negative experiences.

Someone has likely already suggested this, but the solution is probably to get him a book on a subject or topic he likes, then he will want to read it. If he likes video games for example, get him an instruction manual for a game he likes and he will read it.

You are doing a great job. Your H on the other hand is going to destroy all your hard work behaving like this. Never mind him sulking etc…. You need to stand up to him, he sounds like a bully. Tell him that if he carries on like this then your marriage is over. He wouldn’t treat another man who was ill and tierd like that, so why is it ok to treat a sick and tierd child like that.

I have never encountered a man with this attitude that wasn’t abusive. It is a huge, glaring red flag that he wants to control and punish those close to him without protest or repercussions.