Massive argument with H over reading with DC

[ibrow]

DS is nearly 6 and autistic. Diagnosisd young. Was unclear if he was going to manage in mainstream but he's going from strength to strength and now in Year 1
Still Behind his peers. Awaiting EHCP result but we are doing better now than ever

Monday - Friday he reads his reading books at bedtime with H while I deal with younger DC.

DS has horrible cold. He's been back at school and had a dance club tonight. He is clearly knackered.

At bedtime DS started crying saying he didn't want to read. H insisting. H himself has been grumpy all evening and had a nap at 6pm on the sofa. H seems to instantly get v frustrated, saying to DS "youre reading the whole book or im taking your ipad away for next two days". DS crying more and more. H becoming more frustrated. DS then starts screaming and biting things and trying to tear his pillow. I try to calm DS. Cuddle him. He calms. I get him to clear up the things he threw on the floor. He reads half the book as compromise and then fell asleep.

H had already stormed downstairs. He's furious. Says "if you want to be a slack parent then fucking be one. He doesn't get to dictate the terms. He's a child and he reads the whole fucking book every night. And you've ruined it" etc etc.

I took offence at being called slack given I do all his school meetings, have done all the horrendous EHCP stuff, and I'm really proud of progress we have made

He's so angry with me. Says I'm ruining him.

Me and H really had a nasty fight. Was I unreasonable?

I agree with this. There's more going on here and perhaps some fear about your DS' autism and what it means for his future, that perhaps he thinks (not consciously) that he can discipline out of him.

I would personally do two things:

1. I'd sit down when your child is not around and lay out very clearly what he is doing and why that is very likely to be emotionally damaging your DS (and putting him off reading for life!!). Get your thoughts clear, lay them out in writing if you need to. Make the assumption you are explaining something to someone who has zero emotional intelligence.

1. Say you want him to attend parenting classes and for you both to go to relationship counselling. If he refuses, I'd give him an ultimatum.

As you say, he would have unfettered access to your DS without you there to protect him if you split, so I'd try to exhaust all other avenues first (and I suspect that this type of thing would just be seen by the courts as different parenting styles, rather than abuse). In the meantime, continue to step in and protect your DS when needed.

I'm sorry, you're stuck between a rock and a hard place with whether to leave. But you're right to keep challenging his emotionally abusive behaviour, whether you're in the same or separate houses.

Is there anyone else he respects who could talk sense into him? Particularly about the importance of educating himself. Sounds like he's the kind of man who needs to think everything was his idea.

Your H sounds like a cookie cutter of mine. DS is now at High School and DH still tries the same techniques of making him do things he doesn't want to. I think he hasn't accepted the ASD and is keen to put on a front to the other dads that DS is 'one of the lads'. (He isn't). DH also hasn't read anything about ASD or engaged in anyway. DS and DH now have very little relationship and DH doesn't understand why.... in fact, he thinks it is all my fault! My only advice would be to follow your instincts and maintain your own relationship with DS. He will need it as he gets older. I regret for too long trying to appease DH on small things to the detriment of DS.

Wow what an absolute twat he is.

My friend takes her 'PAT' therapy dog into schools and children read to her Whippet rather than to the adult..and the Whippet never gets cross or impatient.

I used to read with my friend's son, and vice versa - it often works better when it isn't a parent doing the reading.

Getting cross with a child absolutely is detrimental, and your husband should know that.

Parenting an autistic child is often about knowing (through intimate experience of living with your child) when to back off, give space, stop pushing. Pushing through regardless is unfeeling and unresponsive to your child's developmental condition and massively counterproductive. It's not always easy to remember this and god knows, I'm guilty of forgetting myself sometimes. But your husband sounds like an arse. Or perhaps, as other posters suggested, your husband is himself on the spectrum and has a very rigid mindset...

@ibrow I also suspect your husband was belittled by a harsh parent or teacher.

I don’t know. He’s too unwell to read? but not unwell enough to go to dance club.

i think DH absolutely blew it out of proportion to the reading, but there was definitely a way to approach this as a united front before it escalated.

an agreed approach to disagreement is probably beneficial as otherwise it can come across as undermining when one parent is trying to give consequences and stick to agreed rules in the home and the other comes along as says you don’t have as long as you shout enough.

Your H is a prick but mine is exactly the same.

Your husband is a dick, but WHY did you send your sick child to school and a then to a dance class? Why would you do that?! No wonder he didn't want to read if he's poorly and you made him go to school and dance class. Even if he wanted to go, it was bloody stupid.

I agree with the advice to start looking into separating.

You need to leave a paper trail first - texting and emailing your H with your observation of tonight's wrenching scene and where he went wrong, and asking him to start educating himself on your son's needs. Keep any response you get, or of the response is verbal, make a memo to yourself.

If you are the parent who does the majority of care of the children and the advocacy for your son, and you've been in the school more than your H, you probably won't be looking at a 50-50 arrangement if you were to divorce.

You can petition for a guardian ad litem to be appointed to represent the children. This lawyer would be responsible for figuring out who knows your child's needs and advocates for him, and who refuses to educate himself, who believes children cry to "manipulate", and who believes the only person in the family who is allowed to have a bad day is him.

A word of warning - a man who accuses a crying child of manipulation is an abuser. A man who lets his toxic sense of entitlement get in the way of showing empathy for his child and admitting his wife is right is an abuser.

It always shocks me that adults hold children to things they don't hold themselves to. Your dh had a nap yet forced your son to stick to a normal schedule when he was/is clearly unwell.

Your dh is being rigid and lacking compassion. He's throwing his power around. Not great traits for any human.

Have you never realised your husband is very likely on the spectrum?

My husband is autistic and so are our children. It was no picnic raising our children at times. Never though has my husband behaved in the way yours has. He can recognize his children share some of his traits even if he personally finds this annoying.

They are high functioning of course. My husband had a very reponsible job in the science field, my eldest is in his final year of medicine etc. With the right support autistic children can thrive.

That was hard to read. Poor little boy. Your H is abusive.

No way would I be allowing these reading sessions with H ever again. It’s ridiculous to force any child to read a whole book in the evening, let alone an autistic one. It’s a perfect way to make them hate reading.
Refusing to go along with your H’s bullying, totally incorrect parenting of your child isn’t undermining H, it’s protecting your child.

Your H is inflexible, aggressive, angry, nasty to your child, and as you say, he cranks up the stress for everyone. Do you want this life for yourself and your kids? As they get older they’ll either be beaten down by his aggression and lose all their confidence, or turn against him and hate him. I and my sibling did the latter, and resented our mother for staying with him so that we were subjected to it.

He is a bully, he is holding your 6yr old autistic child to a higher example of conduct than himself and apparently he is never wrong, you can never have a discussion without him becoming aggressive and has accused you of being a poor parent because you implement strategies that help your autistic child.

You need to leave him and try to negate his abusive influence as best you can.

I'm very sorry, he sounds horrendous.

Him wanting you to “back him up” in that context is you just joining in bullying and threatening your child. I would honestly tell him that that level of unnecessary aggression towards a small child is divorce territory and he needs to read some parenting books and sort it out before you see a solicitor.

This.
What a horrible bully he is.

I agree with this.

My friends son was trying to force a rule with his autistic son and I was trying to tell him not to waste his breath, his son hated it and fighting with him was just upsetting everyone. The dad said ‘I’ll just keep doing it until he gets it’

My sister said ‘no, your son will keep getting upset until YOU get it’

you are never going to ‘win’ certain battles and trying to ‘win’ is just bullying in this situation. And a total waste of time.

This could have been a totally different experience for your son if your DH had found a book he enjoys and read it to him.

OP, this man will undermine everything you do for your children, that is the impact bullys have on their children.

The impact is life long.
You can mitigate this by the children at least knowing they have a safe space 50% of the time if that is what he went for.

50% is better than nothing.
I know of several cases of this.
The men insisted on 50% to pinish both mother and children but the children made it so hard that it went down to one night a week.
Then the minute they were mid teens they said no and refused oversights.

Children have a better chance if they know that at least they have a safe place with mum.

You don't have to make any decisions now.
But start planning.
Reach out to Women's aid for support and perhaps self reporting to child services.

He is absolutely a house terrorist bullying your child whom has enough to deal with as it is.

Tell family and friends the truth too.

It’s extremely hard to ‘turn the light on’ and expose a man like this, but it can be done.

Keep watching him and make notes also.

No answer from OP as to why she felt the need to send her child to school AND dance class when he's ill.

Dramatic 🙄

Your husband is abusive, and that means that if you choose to stay with him, your children will grow up in an unsafe home, 100% of the time.

If you leave him, they will have safety at least 50% of the time.

And probably more, because men like this only use 'I'll keep the children' as a manipulation. When he realises it gives you time to go out and have fun, he'll drop them like a ton of bricks.

He keeps accusing people of being manipulative because he's projecting. He's the manipulative one.

To answer a couple of things

• wasn't ignoring the Q @zerogrey about sickness. Just doing morning routine and hadnt checked MN. Me and both kids were at home last week off school/work with nasty colds. It feels like a constant in our house. We all went back on Friday and then had a quiet weekend. They are at the tail end of the cold. Still a bit snotty but at the end of the cold and therefore tired. I nearly didn't send him to dance class. He isn't terribly ill. Just by 7pm he had enough.

• yes H does actually fall asleep on the sofa quite a lot.

• H actually has v v gentle parents who would never pull him up on anything. His mum in particular. He blames his parenrs for his lack of career success

He would v much like to be some sort of tech bro. And he very much is not. He isn't a happy man

I'm going to write him an email I think.