Massive argument with H over reading with DC

[ibrow]

DS is nearly 6 and autistic. Diagnosisd young. Was unclear if he was going to manage in mainstream but he's going from strength to strength and now in Year 1
Still Behind his peers. Awaiting EHCP result but we are doing better now than ever

Monday - Friday he reads his reading books at bedtime with H while I deal with younger DC.

DS has horrible cold. He's been back at school and had a dance club tonight. He is clearly knackered.

At bedtime DS started crying saying he didn't want to read. H insisting. H himself has been grumpy all evening and had a nap at 6pm on the sofa. H seems to instantly get v frustrated, saying to DS "youre reading the whole book or im taking your ipad away for next two days". DS crying more and more. H becoming more frustrated. DS then starts screaming and biting things and trying to tear his pillow. I try to calm DS. Cuddle him. He calms. I get him to clear up the things he threw on the floor. He reads half the book as compromise and then fell asleep.

H had already stormed downstairs. He's furious. Says "if you want to be a slack parent then fucking be one. He doesn't get to dictate the terms. He's a child and he reads the whole fucking book every night. And you've ruined it" etc etc.

I took offence at being called slack given I do all his school meetings, have done all the horrendous EHCP stuff, and I'm really proud of progress we have made

He's so angry with me. Says I'm ruining him.

Me and H really had a nasty fight. Was I unreasonable?

What she said

This post made me cry. I'm so scared I've chosen a dickhead to be the father of my kids. I look at him tonight and just think what the hell have I done. I feel totally stuck. So much of what he says and does with our DC goes against what I instinctively feel is right. But he thinks he's right too. So we are stuck. And there is no talking, no compromise. He tells me i don't respect him enough when I just think I'm expressing my opinion. I work full time. I have my own money and could support me and DC. I just don't want to lose my kids.

I think how to proceed depends on where your "D" H is coming from.

Is it an "I'm right , you're wrong, everything must be as I say and you must bend to my will" kind of thing?

Or is it possible he's worried about DS's future , thinks that due to his disability he'll have to work 100 times as hard and can't afford any "time off"?

The first, will give you and your DS a lot of miserable years ahead.

The second, can be worked on/with, even if it's a real misguided approach, because it ultimately comes from a place of care.

Your H sounds like a bully to me.

The OP's other posts indicate that this is not a glitch but the basic operating system.

Every chance the DH is also autistic. But he is also being an arsehole. The two things are not mutually exclusive.

Yes we all have shit days as parents where we fail to be what we would aspire to. But if you're actually a good parent, as soon as the immediate drama has passed, we are usually overwhelmed with shame and resolve to apologise and do better next time. Not double down and shovel shit on our partner who managed to do what we were unable to and sort the problem out.

Abusive may not be the right word. But he's definitely being bloody horrible - to his little poorly son and to his poor wife. And if OP is to be believed, he will never acknowledge that he was anything other than fully justified and right.

Who made that rule that your son has to read a full book every night? Where is that written down that he has to read one every night even when ill?

What if I’m he is in hospital or has had dental work done, what if he falls asleep, would you wake him up ?

He is a child. Your husband sounds mentally ill.

@BlueSilverCats I actually think its the 2nd. He does care. And that's why he's so livid and horrible to me as he thinks I'm ruining H's grand plan of getting DS to be same as his peers. He thinks I'm ruining it for everyone. But then also having said that he hasn't spent a single second trying to understand ASD or even just child development. He knows what he thinks needs to happen already.

does your husband have asd? He sounds very rigid.

I don't know if he has ASD. I've talked to him about it and he is dismissive. But if this is the way it's going to be I don't know if I can hack it

This man is an utter cunt.

He sounds like a man in denial, and like he thinks if your ds does all the things he should be doing (like reading his book and going to mainstream school etc) then he doesn't have to deal with the ASD stuff, he can ignore it. It's why he's made no move to understand it.

That is going to do untold harm to your son.

It needs to stop. You husband is a nasty little bully.

I don't need to sound harsh op but you need to get your head out of your behind and stop being scared of your bastard of a husband. Advocate for your children.

good luck to your husband thinking autism boy can be treated like a nt one

My OH definitely behaves similarly. He cannot cope with crying. I can't understand it at all, but I know that crying just stresses him out immediately. Funny to have children really ...
But I would never allow him to deal with one of our crying children in this way, he would be very politely told to jog on, find something else to do if he can't hide his frustration, etc etc. And he does just that because he knows showing frustration just makes it much worse for everyone. Even the calmest of us need a minute sometimes. Children cry because they need something, not because they are psychopaths manipulating you. Come on, that is just utter nonsense. Show him this thread and explain to him that you found the situation between the two of you so upsetting you felt you had to seek advice from strangers on the Internet. Ask him to read the thread and then let you know when he's ready to talk about it. He may need time to reflect on it before he's ready to talk, that's totally ok, but you need to talk about it calmly.

I think what you did was brilliant. One of the most important life skills your DS will learn is how to handle things when he's tired and dysregulated but still needs to do stuff. Yes he struggled but you brought him back and he learned that he can go from 'can't do it' to doing as much as he can.

I don't know whether your DH is an abuser, but he was certainly a colossal prick tonight. Talking about millionaires is laughable and I'd have laughed too (especially as quite a lot of millionaires are not exactly well-adjusted). I'm so sorry, OP. Sending a handhold.

Your DH sounds like an abusive a-hole. He needs to learn some patience and understanding.

As an aside, I wouldn't use bedtime as the time for your son to do his reading practice. It's inevitable that he'll be tired and it's not the best time. Can he do a bit of reading with you cuddled on the sofa after school, after a snack and a bit of downtime? I'd keep bedtime reading as a time for you to read his favourite books to him - this is just as important as his reading practice and will foster a love of stories and books and also just be a lovely relaxing end to the day.

Hmm, how was he raised? Because your DH does sound a bit inflexible and not understanding of ASD? Could it be he is repeating what his parents did to him and using the same tough love arguments because otherwise, if he faced the facts that crying isn’t manipulation, and that exceptions should be made for illness/tiredness, disability - then perhaps his parents aren’t the loving, it hurt them more than it hurt him to be so draconian, they shouted, bullied and did x y z for his own good but actually it was all unnecessary and they were quite horrible?

I have experienced adults who were smacked as kids, who insist on smacking their kids because if they realised it is abusive, then they’d have to look closer at their own childhoods and think unpleasant thoughts about their parents. Which can completely destroy any sort of relationship they have with their now aging parents.

His anger seems way OTT to be just about you and DS, I bet there is something from his childhood that is exacerbating things.

I feel you OP. Not dissimilar situation myself. My advice is don't let trying to appease him making you be a less loving, intuitive parent than you are - I sadly went down that road a ways in the hope we could compromise on an agreed parenting style, but there is no compromising with some people. You have to stand your ground, set the tone, and be ready to be confrontational if it's needed (as you have tonight, so well done ♥️). Your children need to see that you have their backs.

There's always the option of having a do or die discussion with him, where you make it clear this is a hill you will die on and the marriage will die with you if he doesn't start listening to and engaging with the partner he has and the child he has instead of rigidly sticking to his own version of "what should work".

See how he responds to that, not necessarily to work towards reconciliation (as tbh in my opinion men like this don't change, meaningfully or for long); but more to guage his intentions re contact in the event of a split.

If you have concerns he might go for a high proportion of contact, and you can't countenance the possibility of 50/50 (I couldn't), then I would be looking to neutralise him in the home as best you can - devise a routine that doesn't include him as far as possible (paint this as 'giving him a rest'). Have strategies for extricating your DC if he is turning nasty over something. And become an expert at grey-rocking him when he is ranting and raving about respect and millionaires and suchlike bullshit. Just look at him like you would a chimp in the zoo who is throwing it's shit about the enclosure and give him nothing to work with: "mmhmm? Right. I see." Don't try to argue him down or placate him or come to an agreement. Just blank.

Sorry you are feeling so stuck and worried. For me the hardest hurdle has been accepting that there isn't just "misunderstanding" or "misalignment" that can be fixed by talking or compromising. It's a fundamental way of being that isn't going to change. Having accepted that, I now find that I have a lot more energy to direct to nurturing and supporting my children, as far less is flowing towards him - figuring him out, trying to anticipate him and make him happy. That energy was wasted as nothing I said or did had any impact on what he says or does. Energy spent on my kids is never wasted.

How?? Tell me how?? I know I must sound stupid to you but I'm trying..all the time. I'm stepping in to calm stuff down, I'm explaining things to DH, I'm at the school every week (it feels like), I'm onto the local authority to get the EHCP through, I did the councils course, I do the volunteer days at the school so I can observe how DS interacts with others (he has no friends really). I'm trying. but still things like tonight happen. Still my child is sobbing and biting a pillow. Tell me what to do to "advocate for him". I'm so stuck

That's exactly what she did do. She protected her son tonight and then had to take the flack later. Why are you giving the poor OP a hard time??

My 5 yo has basically been tired every day since starting school in September. He usually reads with me at bedtime but tonight read with DH. After 10 minutes he came to me and said "I finished the book we started yesterday but daddy said I have to read the other book" I said to DH "he usually only reads half a book per night" he said.. "ok DS that's fine, I'll just read you your bedtime story" and that was the end of that. Similar situation but I wasn't undermining anything. You weren't either.

It does sound like your DH's concerns are coming from a good place, he wants your son to do well and there's nothing wrong with wanting that, but there is something wrong with the way he's gone about it though and really upsetting your child.

The fact he still read half the book with you anyway your DH should have been pleased and praised him.

If your DH can turn around and apologise and realise he was acting shit that would help. But it doesn't sound like he will?

I think what the PP means is 'advocate for him' by getting him, his little brother and you away from this unpleasant man. This will happen again.
Your idea of a compromise of doing 4 pages was fine - which is what he should've done. Not doing it at all is of course not right, but a calm compromise is fine. Who has won tonight? Nobody. Everyone is just annoyed and upset.

Do you work in this field? Or with adults that have these issues?

Has your DH been reading about aba techniques as this unconditional obedience'instructional control' sounds like them.

Show him Maslow hierarchy of needs to show him that your son will
Only care about self actualization - becoming a reader- if his basic physical needs (being well and not too tired) and safety needs (being with a kind non bully to support him) are bet. This science might appeal
To him
More that a battle of wills /difference of opinions

My friends dad used to do this to my friends brother with his Spanish homework I remember being on holiday with them and he humiliated his son in front of us (his older sisters friends) this brother now loves half way across the world and rarely visits home

This is exactly what I meant, thank you.