To struggle with envy about other people's kids...

[Failingonallfronts]

Hello - I pretty much know I'm being unreasonable, but would like thoughts on how bad this really is. I have an 18 year old DD, she's lovely but life isn't easy for her at the moment - she's autistic / dyspraxic / ADHD but at mainstream school in her final year. And at the moment it just feels that everything is such a struggle - she's battling an eating disorder, has very few friends and her exam results / predictions mean that even if she was well enough to go to uni, she probably wouldn't get in - or be able to cope with the course. She spends huge amounts of time by herself in her room just trying to cope. She never goes out socialising. Her obsessions are so bad at the moment that we can't even do a day trip or go out for a meal.

I met up with some other mum friends today and we were chatting about kids and all of theirs (who are peers of my DD) are heading off to Unis / straight As / getting part time jobs / planning travels around Europe etc. And obviously this is great for them and I asked lots of questions as I truly feel that my DD isn't going to have a better time just because someone else is also having a bad time. But it was really hard to listen to it all and stay smiling. These are all kids who were friends with my DD in primary school, but wouldn't even talk to her now. It's not that they deliberately snub her, its just that they move in totally different worlds. Although one of the mums named the kids her child was going travelling with and it was pretty much my DDs group of pals in primary - without my DD of course. I don't think she even realised what she'd said so of course I just nodded and made positive comments.

I know comparison is the thief of joy and I try to be really mindful of that, but in practice its very very difficult when your child is finding life so hard and others don't have that experience.

Is it terrible to feel this way?

No words of wisdom apart from be kind to yourself OP

YANBU, anyone would feel a bit sad. But hopefully things will get better for your daughter - the teen years and school years are really tough for some people who do much better in the adult world.

I don't know how anyone could watch their child struggle and not wish their life was different, and their challenges were fewer. Then to sit and listen to what her life could be like if she didn't have those challenges must be beyond difficult. You are not wrong in anyway, because you are not envying your friends their daughters, you are envying the daughters on behalf of your DD. You are not diminishing your child or being disloyal to her, you are simply sad for her, and that's OK.

I would feel the same. Not unkind at all x

How very hard for you. I think yoir feelings are perfectly natural. I hope you can access some therapy just so you can vent.
Life is very unfair sometimes.

That's a total normal reaction. You want "normality" for her, not for yourself. Hopefully things will get easier for her over the next few years.

Thanks all. I should add that my friends are really good people - they are not being crass when talking about their kids, they know the problems my DD has and are sympathetic. But it is undeniable that we have totally different experiences of parenting at the moment.

Everyone has to follow their own path and in their own time.

I really sympathise OP. My DS has just been told today that he can’t do his maths and English GCSE resits this year. He hasn’t taken it well. He tries so hard but he just can’t manage with stuff his peers can.

It is hard to listen to others and how well their kids are doing, although, like you say, you don’t begrudge them. Of course not, but it’s tough.

I tell myself that there are some who would give anything to be in our shoes. One day, our kids will get where they should be. It’s just a different path.

Oh OP you did so well to maintain your composure in that situation. It is so hard.

I am in a similar situation, and find it hard at times too.

Nothing hurts more than feeling like your child is suffering. YANBU

I struggle with this too, OP. My child also has asd/adhd and I worry about their future every day. Seeing other kids doing things that my child will never be able to is so hard.

This is so relatable. My DD is Year 11 now and I’ve been wishing the high school years away. Also ASD. Really struggled. The lack of friends and struggle to get through the day to day has pretty much broken my heart at times. Holding on to the fragile hope right now as she seems happier at the moment than for a long time but by god the struggle is so hard. I saw friends yesterday and they asked polite but guarded questions about my DD and then moved on to their amazing kids. It’s hard.

I'm in a very similar situation OP, although DD is a few years younger. I really feel for you. If I allow myself dwell on how different DD"s life is to our friends' children who she's grown up alongside, or to what we thought it would be when she was little and full of happiness, I honestly feel like I would start crying and never stop. I cannot bear to look at our photos from when the DC were all young, we were so bloody happy and I feel like life is forever divided now into 'before she got ill' and 'after she got ill'.

All I can do is try to appreciate the small joys. Also, if I'm honest, I'm increasingly compartmentalising my desperate worry about DD from my own happiness. Because if I dont it will cripple me and that will make things worse for her. Obviously that only works up to a point though.

I've also found talking frankly and with dark humour with good friends helps, rather than letting it become the elephant in the room. Although as DD is getting older it's a bit harder because of course I want to respect her privacy.

Sorry those are just my ramblings. I just wanted to say I get it, and it sucks. It really does.

You're only as happy as your least happy child.

Sorry op...I hope things improve for your DD...I think how you're feeling is totally understandable

Thanks for all your kind words. It IS really hard - and all my sypathies to others who are feeling this too. I think its compounded for me personally by the fact that I tried so hard to do the right thing, right from DD being tiny. Worked - but only part time so I could be around for DD. And I tried to be a really hands on, supportive parent. Doing homework with DD / encouraging her to go to clubs etc / Volunteered at school even when I had to run there straight from work and was knackered. I did more support stuff than several of my SAHM friends! (which is fine - each to their own). As a family we have missed out on so much to accomodate DD and I've always tried to remain cheery. We can't even go on holiday or visit people any more as DD can't cope.

As ridiculous as it sounds it feels like life has given me a slap in the face for all my efforts and my poor DD is the one losing out.

I know how you feel OP and it is hard! I find what helps is to find where your DD fits so for instance, what exactly are her academic abilities? Has she been seen by an editor psych? What have they said? Focus on the things she has ability for and make friends there. Accept she might not be cut out for uni and will follow a different path & focus on that. Don't torture yourself by continuing to hang out with these other mothers and having to sound delighted at the news "Annabel is trying to decide between Durham or York" when Inside you're dying, just stop that. If you do this, you will find yourself & her much more at peace and looking forward to the future.

Surely it's no different to women listening to others talk about their children, when they can't have any.

Or people listening to others talking about their mums helping out when their mums have passed away.

Or women listening to grandparents talking about their grandkids, knowing they won't have any.
There are loads of situations we have to deal with in life.

Everyone's path is different, and most people have their share of ups and downs in life.

Oh gosh this has cut me deep today. Two most likely ND DC here. DC1 ADHD/DCD/poss ASD too, has few friends but I’m glad he has a couple of rock solid ones.

Younger DC no invites to parties or play dates, including from his friends from only a year or two ago. Like you said I wouldn’t say he’s been snubbed, he just hasn’t mixed with the friends and so is no longer included.

Sorry OP. It’s so hard at these little ages, I can’t imagine how hard it is for you with your big DD.

That's just how I feel. Like if I start crying I will never stop. I hope so much that things get easier for DD. You have my full sympathy.

Just sending hugs, and I hope it gets easier for you, OP.

Can you connect with others in your situation?

@PassingStranger you are right and it's quite fair enough to point that out. DD just came down to make a cup of tea and I was thinking how lovely she is just to have around, even though her experience of life right now is very different to many of her peers. Of course I wish thing will be different for her in the future, but I am always very grateful that she is in my life.

OMG OP I relate 100% to all of this. I put my absolute all into being the best parent I possibly could, I really did. Like you I worked part time and just absolutely loved those early years and filling their lives with fun and magic and learning.

I had a bit of a crappy childhood with parents that hated each other, and I was determined to give our children the secure, anxiety free childhood I never had, thinking it would lead to secure, anxiety free children. It absolutely feels like some higher being is laughing at all my naive hopeful efforts. Although I've never admitted it to anyone I actually feel anger and resentment that my parents who were shit in so many ways managed to raise children who turned into generally functioning and well balanced adults. Yet I have a DD for whom independence and happiness feels horribly uncertain.

Also be kind to DD. Please don't let HER feel she's not as good as her peers!