To struggle with envy about other people's kids...

[Failingonallfronts]

Hello - I pretty much know I'm being unreasonable, but would like thoughts on how bad this really is. I have an 18 year old DD, she's lovely but life isn't easy for her at the moment - she's autistic / dyspraxic / ADHD but at mainstream school in her final year. And at the moment it just feels that everything is such a struggle - she's battling an eating disorder, has very few friends and her exam results / predictions mean that even if she was well enough to go to uni, she probably wouldn't get in - or be able to cope with the course. She spends huge amounts of time by herself in her room just trying to cope. She never goes out socialising. Her obsessions are so bad at the moment that we can't even do a day trip or go out for a meal.

I met up with some other mum friends today and we were chatting about kids and all of theirs (who are peers of my DD) are heading off to Unis / straight As / getting part time jobs / planning travels around Europe etc. And obviously this is great for them and I asked lots of questions as I truly feel that my DD isn't going to have a better time just because someone else is also having a bad time. But it was really hard to listen to it all and stay smiling. These are all kids who were friends with my DD in primary school, but wouldn't even talk to her now. It's not that they deliberately snub her, its just that they move in totally different worlds. Although one of the mums named the kids her child was going travelling with and it was pretty much my DDs group of pals in primary - without my DD of course. I don't think she even realised what she'd said so of course I just nodded and made positive comments.

I know comparison is the thief of joy and I try to be really mindful of that, but in practice its very very difficult when your child is finding life so hard and others don't have that experience.

Is it terrible to feel this way?

I agree with this. All the work you put into build your daughter up has definitely not been wasted - it is all still there in her positive early life experiences, which will stand to her regardless what else life has thrown at her.

No one leads a perfect life, they only paint all the positives because that is all people want to hear.

Many of our young people struggle each day. Keep fighting the good fight OP.

DS has his daily struggles too. 17 almost 18yo.

DS has a medical condition which may impact his exam results in an area he wants to study after leaving school. It's shit timing but this is the hand we have been dealt.

Absolutely reasonable OP. It’s hard to see your DC struggling with life when it seems to come so easily to others. Life is rarely plain sailing for everyone though, sooner or later we all have to face challenges.

Yoir DD will find her way, with your love and support.

OP, I do get what you're saying. Same here. My 14 year old has always beein in mainstream school with 1:1 TA. I see the friends he had when he was younger and how they have grown up and can have conversations and relationships. And mine who will soon start learning practical skills in a SEN establishment with hopes on working in a protected environment. He has lost all his former friends simply because they have outgrown him. He still has the sense of humour of a 6 year old. It's sad. But the worst is that he's not happy. Is your DD happy? Because that's all I really want for my boy .
@JimmyGrimble how awful for all of you. This somehow makes it worse because you weren't prepared for it. I've had 10 years since diagnosis to come to terms witj the fact that my son's future is pretty bleak but for you it must have been such a shock. Sending hugs 💚

That is hard OP. I understand why you feel sad about it.
She'll find her role in life, with your support. Uni is a big move, it's not right for everyone and that's okay.

You are so right and I do often think that - things could be so much worse and I'm aware of that. And we definitely do have happy times and good memories. DH / DD and I are very close and have always worked to do what we can together.

I'm aware that not everyone has that.

You sound so lovely. I'm sure your DD will grow into her life

Edited for an apostrophe typo - sorry

I totally get this, my DD is 20, has ASD and other health issues. She managed a few GCSEs and did one year at college before she couldn’t cope anymore. Still at home, no prospects of being able to work or study more, lots of time in her room. I remember the pangs of jealousy when her peers were off to uni etc but I got over it pretty quickly. DD is a an amazing young woman and she’ll get there in her own time, it’s a difficult balance though between giving her love and reassurance that she can do the things she wants to do and stopping her from feeling really crap and inadequate about herself (she finds the whole idea of adulting literally terrifying).

This resonates so much, DD2 is 17 and has had clinical depression and anxiety for about 18 months, doesn’t socialise or come out of her room except to go to school, which she finds really difficult. Her school runs an interview practice thing where parents volunteer to play the role of interviewer, I’ve been doing this for the past few years but not this time because I couldn’t face talking to all these lovely, talkative kids who have plans for their futures. I’m sure I would have started crying at some point!

I will tell you. She is asd, ok
She struggles - start here. What YOU can do for YOUR child. Let everyone else stop to matter ( if you get what I mean )

Totally understandable OP and I can relate. I find it useful (and I hope this doesn't sound awful) to look at those who have it worse than my dd, and focus on the positive things going for her. No she won't ever be independent and she has major MH problems, but she can walk, she isn't hooked up to machines in a hospital bed all day, she can experience enjoyment at times, she isn't violent towards me or the family (I have a friend who has just had to put her 16 year old ds into care otherwise her other dc would be taken into care). Of course it would be much nicer if she was living a 'normal' life, but it is what it is and as her parent I have to try to facilitate that for her. That's another thing, I volunteer with vulnerable young adults, some of whom have similar difficulties and I take a lot of comfort in the fact that dd has a stable family home and parents who can support her. So many don't have this, and that is heart breaking. I feel very blessed that I am relatively healthy, have enough to feed/heat the household, and this makes such a difference to dd's outcomes.
A big unmumsnetty hug ((OP)).

Is it terrible to feel this way?

no, its not terrible to feel that way

your dd is struggling and you're watching from he outside others nt having anywhere near the same struggles

you have feelings and its ok to have those feelings

but don't dwell on those feelings as it might make you feel worse in yourself

as I am aware ADHD is a very functioning disorder, ASD is much more complicated

hmmmmm ok

I get it OP. It's heartbreaking isn't it.

I have a dd who is an inpatient with anorexia. I am friends with all her friends mums and it is hard to hear them talk about what my dd could be doing

Like you and others, I did all I could to give my kids a lovely happy home.

If you would like some Hope, my other daughter is ASD and although quite socially awkward, has found her crowd and is studying at uni, doing great.

I know that this won’t help much, but at 18 I was incredibly similar to your DD. Pretty much no friends, undiagnosed neurodivergent (I’m in my 40s so it was incredibly uncommon, particularly for girls, to get a diagnosis). Couldn’t cope with life, desperately unhappy.

Over the years though, my life has changed beyond recognition. I’ve got a great job now where my ASD traits actually work in my favour. I’ve developed coping strategies that make life a million times easier. And I have friends - only a couple, but that’s all I need.

I know that we all experience life differently, but I hope that your daughter finds the joy she deserves in life.

It's so hard, OP. I've given my everything to try to help my eldest and he's heading for no qualifications and currently no idea if he'll live independently. He is really hard to live with at the moment and as my DH died when they were little, it's just me and the DC. Thankfully younger one seems to have a bright future but in some ways that contrast makes things even worse.

Corners can turn though. I'm holding on to that. And everything we've done matters.

I feel the same. I've had to leave WhatsApp groups and declined a few coffee and chat type meet ups because it was just too hard. I really struggle. It's just the sadness of what my kid is missing out on. It's not jealousy or wanting the other person to be unhappy. I often feel like a bitter person for struggling with it too. It's nobody's fault and it's nobody's job to censor their "normal" lives so people who struggle dont feel bad... But it's still hard and feelings are valid and real.

If it gets too much take a step back. I felt petty when I left a year group WhatsApp group a few years ago but I needed to at the time. Now I'm in another one and it doesn't feel as bad.

Ahh I'm sorry, I can understand your feelings. I have a friend whose little boy has some struggles and a disability. She once told me she grieves the childhood she thought he would have. I think that sums it up well.

I hope you're daughter is feeling better soon OP

I get how you feel, my sons 7 and on the spectrum and it's just blindingly obvious he doesn't really have proper friends, people in his class have parties and play dates and things, we don't get invited to anything like that. It's hard because you can't even put them out there for stuff because they won't enjoy it.

I'm sorry things are so tough OP.

I think you need to see less of these friends for a while. No point torturing yourself is there?

I have been rather pleased to ditch one particular pair of parents from primary. Their child was nice enough and DD liked her but my god the showing off. Read the room, people!

I love that Baz Luhrman quote someone posted up thread.

I hope your DD will find her tribe eventually. My friend's DD was a selective mute and had an eating disorder when she was 14 and finally diagnosed with ASD. At 20 she's doing rather well. Her parents are so proud! It is touching to see their joy in her doing things like driving and starting on HEd.

I totally understand how you are feeling OP. My DS1 was diagnosed with ASD at the age of 18 he is now 21. It is painful looking at photos of him growing up he was just so carefree and happy the total opposite of the anxiety filled young man he is now.

I haven't been too bothered so far by other parents' stories but we're only at age 13 and this is where it is getting hard.

What I've struggled with more is friends who have at some point moaned about' that kid' in their child's class or before that pre school. It starts to be apparent ' that kid' is probably Autistic/ADHD. ( You end up recognising all the signs in the end 🤦.

The other thing is hearing people talk about feckless parents who can't get their kids into school or who should just make sure their kid behaves and wears their full uniform and blazer etc. This is what I have personally struggled with. It makes me look at them differently tbh.

There is nothing better than being in the company of or talking with another parent who understands because they're in the same boat. You don't even need to explain any of this stuff because they just get it.

Hi Op. another one here. My DD is almost 18 (ASD/ADHD) and the last 5 years have been incredibly tough on everyone. Mainly her but as a parent it's so heartbreaking isn't it?

I think the age where real change is happening (going off travelling / going off to uni etc) brings yet more challenges as it reality is as if everyone is moving on.. which makes it more poignant.

Like you, I am still good friends with 3 mums in particular and our DDs have been friends for years. They were all going to the university open days last year, now all of the offers are coming through, talk of gap year travels etc

I love their DDs and really want them to flourish and have great lives... but I want that for my DD too.

They are mindful of it as we are close but a went to a few gatherings over Christmas with wider circles all parents of teens the same age and I agree it's really hard. Like you I always gave it my all.

Mine really struggled with school, missed at least 2 years of secondary school with anxiety / depression. Managed to get 5 GCSEs but then wasn't able to cope with A levels.

Now we have no plan as such. She's very up and down and we never know what's coming. I'm starting to look into apprenticeships but I don't know if that will work either.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable and agreed.. it takes over your whole life / mind.

As someone has suggested up thread.. I have tried to start doing more for me. And that's not less for her, but just carving out time for things that will bring me happiness and distract me from the worry.

If someone could just say 'look this bit is going to be really hard but they WILL be ok' then this would all seem easier to bear... but we can't see into the future. I honestly try not to look too far into the future as that's too panic inducing. We just need to keep the faith.