To struggle with envy about other people's kids...

[Failingonallfronts]

Hello - I pretty much know I'm being unreasonable, but would like thoughts on how bad this really is. I have an 18 year old DD, she's lovely but life isn't easy for her at the moment - she's autistic / dyspraxic / ADHD but at mainstream school in her final year. And at the moment it just feels that everything is such a struggle - she's battling an eating disorder, has very few friends and her exam results / predictions mean that even if she was well enough to go to uni, she probably wouldn't get in - or be able to cope with the course. She spends huge amounts of time by herself in her room just trying to cope. She never goes out socialising. Her obsessions are so bad at the moment that we can't even do a day trip or go out for a meal.

I met up with some other mum friends today and we were chatting about kids and all of theirs (who are peers of my DD) are heading off to Unis / straight As / getting part time jobs / planning travels around Europe etc. And obviously this is great for them and I asked lots of questions as I truly feel that my DD isn't going to have a better time just because someone else is also having a bad time. But it was really hard to listen to it all and stay smiling. These are all kids who were friends with my DD in primary school, but wouldn't even talk to her now. It's not that they deliberately snub her, its just that they move in totally different worlds. Although one of the mums named the kids her child was going travelling with and it was pretty much my DDs group of pals in primary - without my DD of course. I don't think she even realised what she'd said so of course I just nodded and made positive comments.

I know comparison is the thief of joy and I try to be really mindful of that, but in practice its very very difficult when your child is finding life so hard and others don't have that experience.

Is it terrible to feel this way?

Yup. We’ve had many a conversation about splitting up the family as DC2 has developed crippling anxiety as a result of DC1’s ND behaviour. DH refuses to entertain the idea so I just fantasise about running away and never coming back (obvs I won’t do that as it would destroy them…). DH and I have no relationship beyond trying to keep everyone’s head above the water. We can’t even hang out in the evening because DC1 struggles to go to bed so needs someone with them until they fall asleep at about 10ish. By which point DH has to log back onto work before collapsing into bed at about 1am, so that we can get up tomorrow and do it all over again and again and again… Romantic weekends - ha fucking ha.

Well, I don’t think I’d say I’m so sad
for you to anyone in real life, I know ppl with kids who struggle and my approach is usually that I first of all take the lead from them if they want to even talk about things at all, and if I say something it’s usually along the lines of it’s so tough etc.

I guess I was just sitting here at home and expressing myself without thinking too much, apologies if it came across in the wrong way.

maybe angry for you all is more what I feel - my DD has also struggled but is doing better now, and it was such a battle not to have her pigeonholed. To just keep believing in her when it seemed nobody else did. They wanted to diagnose her but I just kept saying no she just needs to do things in her own way and own time and she will be fine. I keep repeating this and then I insist she is given the accommodations she needs. I realize she’s likely on the very low end of the spectrum, and so this is all easy for me to say, I have friends with kids who need a lot more help and can’t manage in mainstream school.

I think the system is messed up and it’s also what makes so many parents competitive and leads them to think that talking endlessly of their kids brilliance is acceptable. It’s almost encouraged by the culture.

last summer I had a conversation with a friend who went on and on about how well their kids was doing preparing for exams for secondary and this was in front of the child. And then the friend started complaining about how some parents are complaining too much about the tests being too hard and the system being unfair etc., and my friend was saying it’s just the way the game is and you have to play it and by resisting it you are just making your kids insecure too. And then I couldn’t help it but said that if I thought something wasn’t a good system for kids and my kid was having a negative reaction to it then I thought it was more important to teach my kid that I’m on their side and I see that they’re having a healthy reaction to a messed up system, and support then respecting their own boundaries and the friend took a distance to me since. Almost like they were afraid my hippie slacker ideas would infect their child and steer her off her path to career success.

I think parents with neurodivergent children have to learn this right from the start, what matters and what doesn’t.

Our attempt at a night away ended in leaving before we’d even eaten dinner to search for dd who’d run away from grandparents leading to a big family fall out and feelings of resentment all round.
I am lucky in that my husband can look after her if I go for the odd night away with friends which is a lifeline.

Unfortunately, things like ocd or anorexia are much darker than you seem to imagine. Hellish in fact.

Gosh that sounds really difficult, I'm so sorry.

We've also had to hand our menus back to bemused looking waiters before we've even ordered. You only have to have a couple of those experiences to really take the shine off the idea of date night.

@leftorrightnow the problem is that schools, LAs who want to find you, wider family don't agree with what's important and what's not so you may be deciding to prioritise your child's mental health and not have a screaming row every morning about going to school but you'll be put under enormous pressure to do so, to make their home environment miserable and uncomfortable so they'll "want to go". It's fighting everyone else that far more exhausting than the child, in my case anyway.

Hello again - been away from the thread for a bit as I was busy with work / life. So many posts that I couldn't reply to them all, but I can see how incredibly difficult life can be for parents with Neurodiverse kids - and also how all those kids present so very differently. I guess that's one of the things that I find frustrating actually when talking with folk with NT kids - a bit like the Richard Branson comment! I hear quite a bit of "oh my neighbours son was autistic and he studied physics at Durham..." etc etc. As if they are all the same - its very annoying and just shows a lack of understanding.

Also - as an aside - I realise the COMPLETE lack of understanding of dyspraxia. So many people think it means she just finds it hard to ride a bike, when for my DD its actually a hugely disabling condition meaning that both gross and fine motor skills are severely impacted as is clarity of thinking / organisation and executive function. I know barely anyone who can even begin to understand how much it affects her - and sadly that includes school, despite my many attempts to talk to them and having very clear notes and guidance from her NHS diagnosis. (sorry - that's a bit of a rant!)

Totally agree with the comments about how difficult it is to take some time away. It's almost impossible for us - I did go away for two nights a few months ago with a friend and it was lovely, but I knew there would be consequences when I got back and there were. DD was "ill" the next day, stayed off school and was not very happy. The break to the routine was hard for her to deal with.

Solidarity to all those who are in the same boat. I'm sure we are share a love for our DCs whatever path they take in life, and we just wish it easier for them.

DD has gone into school this morning - after giving me a row for telling her to put a coat on because it was cold with the words "mother, it's February, I know its cold. I am not a cretin. Shall I also wear this fetching hat?"😆I guess that means there is hope for her yet!

Sorry, I didn't meant to quote that previous post! That was my mistake.

I hope you can take comfort in some of the previous replies OP. There is a whole army of us Mums who can relate to your story!

My DC is now early twenties and living independently which is something I despaired about in the teen years. There was a lot of self harming and school refusal going on. After scraping through exams they dropped out of uni. There were some very dark days (and years!)

Now they have a couple of good friends and are working in hospitality for minimum wage, but I couldn't be prouder! I am also happy to share this with friends whose own DC have followed a much more conventional route. Each to their own.

Good luck to you both.

Sorry to join the conversation late but I totally get this. My son suffers from mental health problems and I still hear about his childhood friends ( who dropped him during adolescence) 'amazing lives' through my close friends. It's put quite a strain on a few of these close friendships . I made my feelings known and they've learnt to be more gentle with me and edit when they mention their children. My friendships have suffered as a result, and I struggle with angry feelings how they dropped him, but I realise I'm only human. I think your feelings are all normal and valid and I think that parents of children with mental health difficulties have a hard time of it . They get blamed, unhelpful 'fixes ' thrown at them instead of empathy and constantly get other people's children's full lives paraded insensitively infront of them. I hope things get easier for you. Sending hugs x

YANBU. Her journey is just beginning though and who knows how any of them will turn out in terms of happiness in 20 years time. You sound like a really lovely person and that’s what any of our DC could wish for and many don’t have. I totally get that it stings.

I am in a similar situation, it's hard. I haven't any advice, just some fellow feeling to offer.

Hugs to you OP. I'm autistic and I understand. You're not disappointed in your daughter, you just love her and wish she had it easier. You sound like a good mum.

My DD is your DD when she was in year 5. She has no friends and is such a lovely girl but her ASD holds her back. I see groups of her classmates walking out of school together, all ‘grown up’ and smiling & laughing, walking home together and going to each other’s birthdays etc and it destroys me. Why doesn’t my DD have that? It’s like a snapshot of the future. I hate myself for saying this but DD just doesn’t have the intelligence to go very far in life career-wise, sadly. She’s really struggling with basic school work and is ever so behind. (Her IEP is waaaay off…. And wildly optimistic).
I don’t have much advice but solidarity, friend. You’re not alone. Keep hoping 🤞🏻

@ButteredRadish What a heartfelt post! it brought memories of similar flooding back. I used to pretend i was busy on the phone in the car because I couldn't face the light chatter of the other parents with their perfect dc, no SEN. But you know what, things change, they really do. Our dc may be slower in development; Academia or social or just simple skills like tying their shoes laces or in executive function, but they do catch up, and the rest they learn to manage.

Don't give up that she won't go far in life, you have no idea what is really around the corner for her. It can feel comfortable to hope for the worst, its a way of preserving oneself from shock but if anyone had told me my dc would be where they are today, I'd have told them to f off to a far away land. Today we are all happy and they are achieving highly, they till have challenges but not insurmountable and I pray it will be the same for yours.

Thank you so, so much. This gives me hope! 🤍

I think you need to change the objectives to set your daughter up for success. Mainstream school doesn't sound like a good fit. What are her interests? What does she enjoy? What support/therapy do you have in place? Academic success doesn't sound like the right path.

I really feel for you, My sons are slightly older (24 and 26). They never completed school. Over the years, what I really want for them is security and happiness. I still hope that adult education will be something they take up, once they can cope more with their many mental health problems.

There is hope, and our young people will find a way. Their lives may be slightly different from their peers' lives, but it will be no less.

OP I feel for her and you. But hold onto the belief that life is a struggle for her right now. Not necessarily for ever.

DS is autistic, has ADHD and two visible physical disabilities. He really struggled in life for many years. No friends, no confidence.

He's in his twenties now. Lives with his girlfriend, has a job he enjoys and a hobby he is really passionate about that has given him a strong friendship group.

A friend's autistic daughter had severe anxiety issues and an eating disorder. She couldn't hold down a job, struggled to live alone. But now she is doing a uni course she loves as a mature student and has found her friendship group.

Another friend's son is autistic and has struggled incredibly badly with this and depression caused by incredibly sad life circumstances as well as social isolation and acute anxiety and OCD. He never left his room, for years. Now he has found something he loves doing and it is bringing him out of his shell. He's so lovely, so clever and engaging when he talks about his newfound interest.

Having watched DS and other autistic children/teens I know, I am increasingly sure they get there in the end, it just takes a lot longer.

I know how you feel op as I am further along the road.
I’m now having to grit my teeth and hear about other people’s kids who are getting married in Tuscany, having their second child, being promoted to the £100k job.
Sometimes I have to withdraw from them to save my own sanity; it’s shit isn’t it.
Look after yourself op.