To struggle with envy about other people's kids...

[Failingonallfronts]

Hello - I pretty much know I'm being unreasonable, but would like thoughts on how bad this really is. I have an 18 year old DD, she's lovely but life isn't easy for her at the moment - she's autistic / dyspraxic / ADHD but at mainstream school in her final year. And at the moment it just feels that everything is such a struggle - she's battling an eating disorder, has very few friends and her exam results / predictions mean that even if she was well enough to go to uni, she probably wouldn't get in - or be able to cope with the course. She spends huge amounts of time by herself in her room just trying to cope. She never goes out socialising. Her obsessions are so bad at the moment that we can't even do a day trip or go out for a meal.

I met up with some other mum friends today and we were chatting about kids and all of theirs (who are peers of my DD) are heading off to Unis / straight As / getting part time jobs / planning travels around Europe etc. And obviously this is great for them and I asked lots of questions as I truly feel that my DD isn't going to have a better time just because someone else is also having a bad time. But it was really hard to listen to it all and stay smiling. These are all kids who were friends with my DD in primary school, but wouldn't even talk to her now. It's not that they deliberately snub her, its just that they move in totally different worlds. Although one of the mums named the kids her child was going travelling with and it was pretty much my DDs group of pals in primary - without my DD of course. I don't think she even realised what she'd said so of course I just nodded and made positive comments.

I know comparison is the thief of joy and I try to be really mindful of that, but in practice its very very difficult when your child is finding life so hard and others don't have that experience.

Is it terrible to feel this way?

It sounds so hard, you have my full sympathy. For various reasons I get where you're coming from.

There's a lyric I always like (Baz Luhrman song).
"Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind - the race is long, and in the end its only with yourself"

Good luck to you and your DD.

I do get what you are saying and of course it is much healthier to recognise that everyone experiences trials in life.

I would just add though that there is a special kind of pain associated with seeing the child, who you have loved and nurtured with every fibre of your being, struggle with MH, finding the things that should be straightforward impossible, and facing an uncertain and unhappy future. I would in absolutely honesty saw off my own arm to spare my DD the suffering she has been been through and set her back on the path that I thought she would have.

Not one single thing the OP has posted indicates she that she needs to be told this.

i was a dyspraxic, ADHD teen with an eating disorder by the time I was 21 I was travelling the world for my work on cruise ships and having the time of my life. I am now in my thirties and married with children and a happy life.
Its hard for your daughter and you now op but things can turn around, she will find her people and something she enjoys doing in time.

Can totally relate, OP. Things can change quickly though, and hopefully they will for your DD and you'll all put this time behind you at some point. She is so lucky to have you.

I have had this very feeling when catching up with Mum friends too, luckily there were 2 of us in the group who had kids with significant challenges, so we'd give each other's hand a squeeze under the table when we were being regaled with the other kids' successes.

Consider this a virtual hand squeeze under the table.

You'd be a bad, horrible woman and mother if you didn't want your child to have an as easy a run at life as possible!

OP of course you are entitled to be sad for your DD but I think it’s also ok to be sad/envious for yourself too. There will be things you have also had a hard time with or missed out on because of all this. Obviously your first concern is your daughter but you are allowed to have feelings that are about yourself too

Well, the first thing I’ll say is poor you OP,
it sounds tough! Be kind to yourself and don’t be ashamed you struggle when your DD struggles! Nothing as hard as seeing your kid having a hard time.

Secondly, I’d say keep your distance from so-called mum friends who make you feel that way. There are sooo many ways to talk about your kids/not talk about your kids.

If I know some of my friends’ kids are struggling in various ways, I avoid conversations which are going to highlight how my kids are shining in exactly the areas my friend’s kid is struggling. There’s so much else to talk about. Every conversation doesn’t have to be a catch upon everything - status update on my kids kind of conversation. If these other mums are aware of your DD’s situation, they’re being insensitive if the conversation is all
About how well their kids are doing.

And before Someone comes on and says can’t expect other people to walk on eggshells around you and it’s fine to be proud of your kids etc - yes it is fine to proud of your kids but you do to need to telegraph this when someone else in the circle has a child seriously struggling. Share it when it’s appropriate or be proud inside. And no, no one can expect anyone to walk on eggshells, but it’s just good manners and kindness to be considerate of someone who’s going through a hard time.

try to spend more time with people who are more supportive.

What if you hadn't made the effort though? How much worse could it have been for your daughter?
What you did then still counts for something today, perhaps your daughter remembers certain days or even just the feeling of being with you at that time with fondness.
Don't discount the parenting you did in the early days, you have still given your daughter the best foundations possible to cope with what life throws at her.

It’s not terrible to wish your child had it easier. I understand and hope you don’t feel isolated.

I totally relate OP. There’s a part of me that feels angry, why can’t my DD have this, why isn’t this her life. I had to stop seeing some friends around Y10, I couldn’t work out if they did it deliberately or were just clueless but every time I saw them I felt worse. And it’s tricky to find support IMO when it’s troubled teens, there’s that sense of it not all being your story to talk about, & for me essentially a sense of shame that I’ve parented wrong for this to be our situation.

I have this with my almost 18 year old DS. Also ASD, pda profiled too and he is violent and he is alone in his room 99.9% of the time, I can’t even get him to go for a walk. Academically he’s good but doesn’t cope with any sort of pressure and has violent episodes so university and the world of work won’t happen for him. It makes me sad.

Me too x

I get where you’re coming from completely. DC1 is 12 and currently undergoing assessment for ADHD and ASD. The past year I’ve really struggled with the comparison to neurotypical kids/ families. I just think ‘why can’t that be us’. A lot of it is grieving the how I thought family life would be for us as the kids got older. Also grieving the things we’ve had to give up (socialising with other families is becoming increasingly hard/ impossible and we are invited to things increasingly infrequently). Our world is shrinking and it would be impossible not to feel envious of others.

You’re allowed to feel sad, angry (or indeed anything) about your/ your daughter’s lot in life.

I’ve found taking to other parents of ND children really helpful. Conversations with other parents in DC’s cohort/ friendship group (about our children) inevitably makes me feel shit.

I understand so much.

The daily struggle is so beyond anyone's comprehension. The pain and heartache is incomprehensible to an outsider.
It's a daily job for me and I know so many mins emailing the school, battling detentions everyday because they can't be ' normal ' as the school treats them no matter how much you plead for help. Knowing you're going to have to find another education setting eventually and where will they go? There's no suitable place you can just walk into anymore.

The stress in this climate of cuts and no services before you even get to the isolation, the heartache knowing they are being rejected by peers. The fear stress and heartache regardless the future. It never ends.

My post is very poor me. Us mum's almost kill ourselves fighting for our kids and it completely destroys some of us along the way.

I have significant stressors in my own life making it harder to keep fighting the systems. All this added up has made me think recently I wish my child wasn't Autistic. If anyone finds that hard to hear I understand, however because life is so inaccessible as it's set up, this is reality I feel for plenty.

If life was so much more accommodating I would never feel that way. I don't care about being super successful or showing them off. I love my child dearly and think they have great attributes. I just wished so much life was easier for them and tbh me and their dad.

People don't realise just knowing their child can go into school and there's relatively little problem, know they'll be ok getting a job and surviving alone is something so many of us would give anything for.

Some of these posts have made me really appreciate how lucky I am with my closest friends. Somehow they seem to instinctively understand the delicate balance between not treading on eggshells about sharing happy news about their own children, but not dwelling on it in a way that makes me feel worse about my own situation. And they a patient and understanding when I withdraw sometimes. We all share a healthy dark humour which definitely helps, and I almost always come away from seeing them feeling happier, despite the underlying sadness of comparison. In fact I'm going to find a way of thanking them for this next time I see them.

Ironically I feel worse after seeing someone I am very close to whose DD is also struggling. This friend talks about how we are in it together, but her DD has a physical health issue that despite being quite serious, in my darkest secret place I feel isn't as complicated or upsetting as my DDs challenges.

I really sympathise OP.

Your DD sounds very similar to my brother when he was a similar age. He really struggled and being the youngest of 3, who'd all gone off to uni / done what society expect probably didn't help.

If it's any comfort, he really found his way in his early twenties. I think being out of school and the expectations, or sort of pre planned path they all feel they need to follow, really helped him.

He is now 28 and getting married this year, job he loves etc. it's not easy but I imagine your DD will find her path too, even if it looks a bit different from her peers x

Can you find others in your situation?
I would be very kind to yourself in any way you can.

PassingStranger - all the things you mention are worthy of sympathy and are hard to endure for those suffering. I was sympathising with the OP. It is not a competition.

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I really feel for you OP and totally get where you’re coming from. We sent our occasionally eccentric but very happy boy off to university at 19. By 21 he was severely ill, sectioned at 22 and now at 27 is entering his third year of his second section for schizophrenia. He has hurt nobody but he can’t cope on the outside and they haven’t found the drug that can help him. All his friends are establishing careers and having children. It’s really hard. I try very hard to be happy for friends and tell myself that it’s all luck at the end of the day. Sometimes I just cry(on my own) but I tell myself that’s an entirely logical reaction. Life is just shite sometimes.

Very normal. I felt it myself over the years, I avoid children the same age as my SEN child. The comparison is too hard for me witness, it’s a bit hard if they are in mainstream though to do that.

OP, lots of people are telling you, rightly, that it's so hard but you're being unreasonable. And you already seem to know that.

I just want to suggest that you develop your non-mum related life. Pursue a hobby, go off for romantic weekends with your DH where child talk is banned, catch up with childless friends from your past. In some way start developing your life and your worldview away from your DD and from your role as a mum. I'm not suggesting you abandon her, just pointing out she can't be all your life. She probably shouldn't even be the main focus at this point. Children are a huge endeavour, but they aren't our lives. And as with everything we do - having more going on helps provide perspective for the rest.

I’m very sorry, but do remember that other mums may not know or present the whole of what is going on with their daughters. When I was 18 I’m sure my mother told everyone I’d got into Oxford and was top of my year in all my subjects. I bet she didn’t say I had a crippling eating disorder and was petrified I was a lesbian and she’d hate me for it.

If they are really good friends can’t you say how hard it is? I would never be so insensitive with my friends. I’d probably keep my updates to a minimum. I am sure you have plenty in common besides the children.

The thing is, mostly those of us in similar situations just get on with it but occasionally, like in the OP, the contrasts become hard to bear. Then we just pull our socks up and get on with it all over again.

I have a child in mainstream who is very different to his peers. Mostly I cope but the odd occasion it has been suddenly terribly painful out of the blue.