To struggle with envy about other people's kids...

[Failingonallfronts]

Hello - I pretty much know I'm being unreasonable, but would like thoughts on how bad this really is. I have an 18 year old DD, she's lovely but life isn't easy for her at the moment - she's autistic / dyspraxic / ADHD but at mainstream school in her final year. And at the moment it just feels that everything is such a struggle - she's battling an eating disorder, has very few friends and her exam results / predictions mean that even if she was well enough to go to uni, she probably wouldn't get in - or be able to cope with the course. She spends huge amounts of time by herself in her room just trying to cope. She never goes out socialising. Her obsessions are so bad at the moment that we can't even do a day trip or go out for a meal.

I met up with some other mum friends today and we were chatting about kids and all of theirs (who are peers of my DD) are heading off to Unis / straight As / getting part time jobs / planning travels around Europe etc. And obviously this is great for them and I asked lots of questions as I truly feel that my DD isn't going to have a better time just because someone else is also having a bad time. But it was really hard to listen to it all and stay smiling. These are all kids who were friends with my DD in primary school, but wouldn't even talk to her now. It's not that they deliberately snub her, its just that they move in totally different worlds. Although one of the mums named the kids her child was going travelling with and it was pretty much my DDs group of pals in primary - without my DD of course. I don't think she even realised what she'd said so of course I just nodded and made positive comments.

I know comparison is the thief of joy and I try to be really mindful of that, but in practice its very very difficult when your child is finding life so hard and others don't have that experience.

Is it terrible to feel this way?

I do think teen years are awful. We have some in our team with autism and adhd. Pretty sure their prospects didn't look good at 18. One is older, left school with nothing, but is good with computers. His role is a very repetitive but fiddly one that no one else wants to do. After many years in the team he has friendships with colleagues.

Another is younger - mid twenties. He's very nervous and anxious, but work actually does him good, it gives him confidence. He's never going to rise to a very senior level because he's cripplingly shy/can't talk a lot but i think he is happy, he knows his role well and just gets on with it.

I think sometimes in childhood/teen years some DC get supported and accomodated so so much they start thinking they need it, and it perpetuates anxiety.

I hear you, OP. I have three kids, my eldest has been formally diagnosed with ADD and dyspraxia too, and we're prettty sure he is on the autism spectrum although he has not had a diagnosis. He is currently in academic suspension at uni because his difficulties got on top of him and he spectacularly failed one of his exams. He finds making and keeping friends very difficult, and I posted a thread on here last week that some of the people he thought were his uni friends told him they didn't want him on a night out because he was "weird and boring".

I don't want him to be an academic superstar or a social butterfly, I just wish that everyday life wasn't so difficult for him.

I often think of the famous line from John Cleese's character in Clockwise — 'It's not the despair, Laura. I can take the despair. It's the hope I can't stand."

I saw a counsellor for a few sessions, I really wanted to find a way to be less consumed by my concerns for DD. She wanted to explore what in my childhood meant I didn’t have faith it will all turn out okay… I find it hard as through work I know lots of stories where it didn’t turn out okay, why will my DD escape that when she hasn’t escaped this? The counselling didn’t really work!

It's good advice. DD has been on an EOTAS package for a year now. We've been very fortunate that both the school and the LA have been very supportive. It sucks though because she absolutely wants to be in school. She just can't do it. And although the tuition is keeping her in line with her peers I have absolutely no idea how actual exams will be possible, even with all the provisions (private room, rest breaks etc) that the school will put in place. So despite having good provision in place and her theoretically being a high achieving student there is still a really possibility of her not getting any GCSEs at all.

Writing that down it sounds unbelievable that this is the position we've ended up in. How on earth has this happened to our lovely bright little girl?

I think it’s also hard to see that the world has been designed in a way that means it misses out on the wonder of your kid!

my ds is extremely intelligent but his Sen means he can’t really show it in exams. So on paper he’s considered a failure. And of course that impacts his self esteem.

its so hard constantly going out to bat for my kids and everyone just thinking I’m making excuses.

I feel burnt out and we’re just having to start the next fight as youngest has just been excluded

Writing that down it sounds unbelievable that this is the position we've ended up in. How on earth has this happened to our lovely bright little girl?

This is how I feel in a lot of ways about my son. He sailed through school, has an impressive general knowledge, very switched on and keen to learn, straight into his chosen course at his chosen uni. He taught himself to read at 4 without any help and it wasn't until later that anyone told me that this sort of hyperlexia is a strong indicator of neurodiversity.

From what I have seen with friends with similar children, the breaking point comes at some stage for all of them. For your girl, that's GCSEs. For my son, it was second year Uni. All you can do is keep the faith and reassure them that it will all work out, and whatever happens, you're there for them.

I did briefly join the PMH group but I found it a bit overwhelming. I find it is such a fine line between finding solidarity, and being exposed to just how awful things can be/get, and discovering even more awful future scenarios to worry about!

Lol at the Concerned Face(TM) and the bloody Richard Branson story! Totally!

Yes @notwavingbutsinking

I started with PMH but then moved mainly onto NFIS. It was very relatable and really invaluable i applying for an EHCP etc and interesting to see how others were coping. Now DD is beyond GCSE age I'm not really on there.

That doesn't sound very helpful at all! The whole battle is about learning to stay positive while living with the very real uncertainty that things may not turn out OK. The realisation that actually our DC are not immune to the awful things that can happen in this world can be a really difficult thing to come to terms with.

I found the book Never Let Go quite helpful in letting go of some of those feelings.

Thank you I may try joining that group! I haven't really found a community that I fit in yet - DD doesn't have an EHCP and we haven't had to fight at all for provision for her (it was actually her lovely school who gently suggested that the school environment just wasn't working for her and helped get everything in place. She is still on roll and has an open invitation to return for whatever she feels she could manage, no pressure). So I feel that somehow I haven't earned my stripes as a battle weary homeschooling parent.

It's hard. Really hard being a parent of an ND child who is struggling. And no its not fair for you or dh and hard listening to other people.
My aunt was in similar position and ended up using paid carers/companions so she could go away for a holiday or day trips. It took a while to find the right people but she created a pool. Her adult dc was very resentful at first but then slowly embraced it. So now they have got to place where her dc has trips out to the cinema and gym etc.

My DS is very similar OP. Barely leaves his room and struggles to socialise. Unfortunately, he had to leave school at 11 to be home-schooled due to excessive bullying. He struggles massively when it comes to anything academic. I worry so much about his future.

When I pulled him from school he wanted to end his own life, I'd found searches on his phone "how to kill yourself painlessly". I have cried oceans for what he has gone through, for the struggles he has and for those struggles yet to come. I have grieved for the future I imagined and hoped would be his when he was a baby.

Hearing others talk about their children excelling at everything is soul-destroying, even though I know it's not done to be callous and they absolutely should be proud of their child's achievements ... it's just hard.

However, I am still one of the lucky ones. I managed to remove my son from the bullying before he followed through with his intrusive thoughts, others have been less fortunate. Yes, he won't have the future I envisioned but he will still have a future and I have to cling onto that.

Seeing other people posting their experiences is heartbreaking. Although I feel somewhat less lonely knowing that others are dealing with the same thing. Unmumsnetty hugs to all of you💐

Oh @RawBloomers, I know some of this advice is good and comes from a good place, but I also get the feeling you don’t truly understand the situation some parents find themselves in. I have a teen DS with asd, ocd, huge anxiety. There is absolutely no way his dad and I can go off gaily on romantic weekends together. There is nothing I would like more, but it is simply impossible. He needs a parent with him at all times at the moment. Sometimes two adults need to be present. I really think you’re underestimating the severe effect mental health issues can have on a person and also the impact they can have on the rest of the family.

OP, I hear you 💐

Yeah - DH and I tried a night away recently (leaving DC with much-loved grandparents). DC were really distressed at us leaving them. DH and I went anyway. The fallout afterwards (getting them to come back down from the high level of distress plus the exaccerbation of the 'why can't we just do anything for ourselves' feeling for me and DH) just made the night away not worth it at all and I wish we hadn't spent the money on it. We can't have babysitters either so basically DH and I have no relationship beyond trying to keep DC on a vaguely even keel.

It's fucking brutal and no amount of 'self care' makes it less so

And I litereally guffawed at the idea of 'romantic'. Some people just have no fucking idea - DH and I are utterly, utterly wrung out by it and barely have the cacacity to do our work, let alone be 'romantic'.

And thats exactly the point. Some people like to show off the best parts about their life and kids, and some don’t. Stay away from the ones who do if you’re in a mood where you know you’re going to be too affected by others showing off/ talking without consideration.

the exacerbation of the 'why can't we just do anything for ourselves' feeling

I can really relate to this. There is a really fine line between trying to carve out a tiny bit of normality vs it just holding up a mirror to how bloody far from normality you are. Sometimes it is objectively better just to hunker down and accept that there are many, many things that you can't do.

Can you all go away by yourselves to get a break, leaving DC with husbands or partners?

I'm in a not dissimilar position with DD2. Currently she's on a gap year but I don't realistically think she will go to university and she gets in her own way of success with regards applying for apprenticeships or considering a future career of any kind. I'm watching friends kids, who were directionless a year ago, suddenly find their joy and passion and desire to spread their wings and make plans for their future. It's difficult not to feel some envy. I'm very excited for them but sad for DD2 currently being a bystander to life.

It's so common for young people to get a job or go traveling or go to university at 18 that your child looks like the odd one out. However, you don't always hear the updates. I've a bit more perspective as I have a DD1 and know of the experiences of a lot of young people now in their early 20s and their outcomes and experiences are so varied. Some end up at home and not the success they thought they were going to be, some don't enjoy university, some get diagnosed with mental health conditions they or neuro diversity when at university.

Try to focus on the small wins for your DD. That must be hard to not be able to get out and do things with her. But she's ill and needs support. I am sure the other parents realise that. My DD1 lived with someone with OCD and someone with ADHD at University so there's no definite path cut off for her. She might just take a bit longer to get there.

Hugs to you @Failingonallfronts

You are grieving the more health/wellness privileged life/experiences your daughter is worthy of but are sadly not possible for her. You clearly love your daughter deeply and it's painful to see your child so isolated and in need of a different developmental track. It's so hard to see your dc struggle and for life to kind of go on without them. I think all of us with dc with disabilities can in some ways relate. The path is different. It's less assured, lonelier, more painful despite this deep love and connection.

Be gentle with yourself. You are a great Mum. Try to connect with others who understand. You are definitely not alone.

No-one has a perfect. Hold. They aren't going to be discussing with you their child's struggles. You are being daft. And you're worried about your child. She will be fine. Why should she go travelling? Why should she have a job? No rules

Personally, it depends on how DC is doing. If well, then maybe yes for a day or two. If not so well, there’s no way I can leave. Financially too it’s a bit of a struggle as I had to give up work (DC was unable to attend school). The financial impact is also common.

Likewise, it depends and is difficult to predict.

And yes, the financial impact. DDs illness has cost us tens of thousands of pounds in lost income in recent years. Not that we would ever breathe a word of that to DD.

Well that's one way to look at it. What did you have for breakfast this morning?

So very sorry. It's shit and unfair.