To struggle with envy about other people's kids...

[Failingonallfronts]

Hello - I pretty much know I'm being unreasonable, but would like thoughts on how bad this really is. I have an 18 year old DD, she's lovely but life isn't easy for her at the moment - she's autistic / dyspraxic / ADHD but at mainstream school in her final year. And at the moment it just feels that everything is such a struggle - she's battling an eating disorder, has very few friends and her exam results / predictions mean that even if she was well enough to go to uni, she probably wouldn't get in - or be able to cope with the course. She spends huge amounts of time by herself in her room just trying to cope. She never goes out socialising. Her obsessions are so bad at the moment that we can't even do a day trip or go out for a meal.

I met up with some other mum friends today and we were chatting about kids and all of theirs (who are peers of my DD) are heading off to Unis / straight As / getting part time jobs / planning travels around Europe etc. And obviously this is great for them and I asked lots of questions as I truly feel that my DD isn't going to have a better time just because someone else is also having a bad time. But it was really hard to listen to it all and stay smiling. These are all kids who were friends with my DD in primary school, but wouldn't even talk to her now. It's not that they deliberately snub her, its just that they move in totally different worlds. Although one of the mums named the kids her child was going travelling with and it was pretty much my DDs group of pals in primary - without my DD of course. I don't think she even realised what she'd said so of course I just nodded and made positive comments.

I know comparison is the thief of joy and I try to be really mindful of that, but in practice its very very difficult when your child is finding life so hard and others don't have that experience.

Is it terrible to feel this way?

I wish..but unfortunately DH doesn't understand my older son who is extremely difficult and they would definitely fight non stop. Dh trying to tell him off and DS laughing hysterically or screaming..don't think I could relax knowing how things would play out at home..

T
I'm the parent of someone who struggled through teenage years with terrible mental health. Noe got through it. Putting these expectations onto them serves nothing. Mine is a now fine , fully functioning adult.
Just let then be

My son has ASD and he's 11. As he's got older the difference between him and his peer is more noticeable. That is difficult and sometimes I think it would be great for him to be more like other children, but then he wouldn't be the boy I know and love.

I think you need to reread the OP :
she's battling an eating disorder, has very few friends and her exam results / predictions mean that even if she was well enough to go to uni, she probably wouldn't get in - or be able to cope with the course. She spends huge amounts of time by herself in her room just trying to cope. She never goes out socialising. Her obsessions are so bad at the moment that we can't even do a day trip or go out for a meal

And you're calling the OP "daft" for "having expectations" ? Her daughter is not OK, it's quite obvious if you read the OP. She's struggling with an eating disorder and OCD, doesn't socialise and you can't understand that the OP is justified in being concerned for her daughter? Oh, never mind. I don't know why I'm wasting my time but I just have a hard time understanding your posts that don't come across as very sympathetic.

It’s so tough when you have a child who isn’t doing what their peers are. My 13 year old has not coped at high school at all. Also asd/adhd and pda so lots going on for him. Only in school till 1230, is in a base but is selectively mute and refused to do work he’s just overwhelmed, he sees none of his friends from primary no social life etc honestly breaks my heart, I wonder what will become of him.

but I do know to compare and dwell doesn’t do much for you, it’s tough hearing about other kids achievements etc but you’re not the only one feeling like we do op it’s tough and there is little help or support for our children or us really or understanding from some people about what we go through fighting for our kids to get what they need etc I don’t know what to say, but your daughter sounds lovely and you’re not alone

Yes me too, I was a single parent for years and thought when the DDs were older I’d get more time to do stuff for myself. Maybe I will one day, but not yet. This is going to sound ridiculous but I almost joined a football team last year, but training would have been over two hours twice a week then matches at the weekend so I had to accept that now isn’t the time to leave DD2 on her own for so long. I have unused football boots hidden in the bottom of my wardrobe and if I ever see them I get really upset. It’s not really about football of course, it’s the fact that it’s heartbreaking to see how DD is at the moment.

I am in a similar position. My youngest is AuDHD almost 18. School was a daily fight and she was relieved to get to college only to find more of the same.

College has made them all apply to Uni but with the best will in the world she won't get in, or won't cope if she does.

Emotionally she's probably 4 years behind her actual age. She doesn't even sit in her room but wants to be with me ALL the time. She has no idea what she wants to do and hasn't had any sort of Saturday job either. The only job she's interested in is several hundred miles away and there is absolutely no way she could cope with living on her own.

Like you OP I see her peers excited about spreading their wings and it makes me sad.

I’ve got 2 diagnosed and a 3rd probable asd kids, and i 100% feel you. It’s a form of grief of the life you thought they, and you would have i think. I don’t think you can fully understand it unless you’re in a similar situation. Big hugs to you, go gentle with yourself, and hugs to your daughter 😘

Thanks for sharing your stories.
So much food for thought, some to add to my sense of solidarity for my own situation with DD and some I'll use to try to make me a better friend.
I really appreciate all the insight from you, and wishing you strength for the path ahead, whatever it may hold.

Completely relate. Autistic DD12 just wants to go to mainstream school and be like everyone else but her anxiety is too much for her to cope and she has been out of school for over a year. No specialist schools want her as say they can't meet her needs. Heartbreaking.

It's completely normal to feel this way. My daughter has DS. She is my everything. I do get down, sometimes though, thinking about all the things she'll never do. On the other hand, I wouldn't change her. She's happy and loved. She brings joy to everyone she meets. She is perfect.

What are your daughter’s obsessions, OP? Is it something productive like crafting? Or is it social media?

I get it a bit, though I not nearly to the extent of many posters here. I do understand that while some parents might manage the weekend away it isn't possible for a lot of parents, so it was just one idea amoung several. I assumed OP could apply to her own situation which may or may not be as restricted as yours.

I'm sorry if you felt at all patronized by the post. Not my intention. The main thrust is only that parents in this situation, as with all carers, need to put on their own oxygen mask on first.

Also in this situation currently DD is 16, ASD, ADHD, PTSD, Dyspraxia, Anxiety and Depression. She hasn't been to school for 3 years. I have no life, just a job I can wfh and loads of worries about DD and her future.

Of course it’s not unreasonable to feel like that. It’s not like you’re wishing bad things for other people’s happy thriving children, just for better times for your own. These things go in cycles though and in ten years time there will be a certain amount of “fails”, of unhappiness, of addictions, of opportunity squandered and bad relationships in the lives of these young people who seem so firmly set on the way to wonderful lives at this moment in time. Perhaps at that point your child will be thriving. Just try to be happy for them at the moment and be there for them in the future. Life is a series of starts and stops, not always a smooth set pathway.

It is really hard when you see your friends' children all achieving and flying high, and your child is...not. Take heart, though. My DD struggled horribly all through her teens, and it was awful. It was awful to witness, and it was awful for her to experience. She has autism and anxiety, and self-harmed really badly.

However, she has well and truly come out the other side. She didn't go to uni, she didn't join the services (her preferred career option). She has a really good, interesting job that she loves. She has a nice boyfriend. She has a different set of friends that she spends time with regularly. Being a child really didn't suit her, but she is doing well at being an adult.

This here, really shines a light on how absolutely ignorant people are of mental health issues. I'm shocked that with all the awareness around MH in the last decade or so, you would interpret @Failingonallfronts mention of her DD'S "awful obsessions" as something possibly 'productive'. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), Is an awful mental illness that ruins lives, there's NEVER anything positive about it & requires treatment which currently on the NHS has a waiting list as long as the M1. It has no affirmative cure But can be managed to the point suffered being obsessionfree enough to live a normal life but can rear its ugly head again at anytime.

I can so relate to this op, my eldest has ADHD, undiagnosed until he went to Uni and everything just fell apart. He had lots of issues at school, especially socially but I put it down to other things, in hindsight he had difficulties his whole life but is super bright so we missed it.
A lot of my friends have dc who were his peers at school and it can be so hard listening to all their amazing career and how they are flourishing.
I've had to re set my expectations so many times, at the moment he's living at home and working in a bar, seems to enjoy it and has a good social life. That's pretty good compared to where we were a few years ago.

I'm sorry but what has your childhood got to do with your reaction to having children who struggle in life?

Of course things don't always work out. It's nice to maintain some level of hope and optimism. But only an idiot has complete faith in a good outcome no matter the circumstances.

Not all counsellors are equal I guess!

I've found that what it does to your marriage can be brutal, and might yet prove to be the thing that ends it, in time.

I've found it doesn't help. The constant anxiety doesn't just dissipate the minute you shut the front door behind you.

It is so much more pervasive and all-consuming than a night in a nice hotel can even begin to touch.

There's also a certain dread upon re-entry that makes it not worth it. I mean, at one point, I was taking beta blockers when I left work so that I didn't have panic attacks and throw up on the way home. A weekend away...impossible.

Just adding my voice to the crowd. DS8 is AuDHD, PDA, dyspraxic, sensory processing disorder… the list goes on! We’re in a selective area and the Y3 parents are already starting to tutor their kids for the exams, complaining about supposed unfairnesses in the process… I nod and smile, but feel bereft. DS probably has a higher IQ than many of their DC, but sitting still for an hour under exam conditions is just utterly beyond him. I know that as our DC grow more independent, the gulf between DS and his peers will grow and they will have very different paths, with DS remaining in his specialist setting on what they likely see as the “thicko” trajectory. I’ve been battling with one school or another for over 5 years already and I’m tired of it. Even the more ND-sympathetic parents and teachers I know don’t seem to really believe that PDA is a thing, that I’m not actually a shit parent or that DS is not demonically possessed.

I try to practice gratitude for the simple stuff, but there are times when I just want to howl at the bloody unfairness of it all.

Reading this thread has made me so sad for all of you going through this! I’m so sorry for anyone in this situation, it’s so shit!

DD has had her issues but no diagnosis and compared to all of what you are talking about.

i think something is wrong w a culture that makes parents of children who struggle feel so alone and isolated. I hate the performance and competitive culture of the UK school system and is obsession with testing and scores. Education doesn’t have to be that way. It’s bad for all kids but especially neurodivergent kids.
please know there’s nothing wrong w you or your kids! Just with the messed up system in which every human that doesn’t fit as another brick in the wall is made to feel like shit.

I think if you can stop worrying about timings both of you might be able to chill out a bit? Let her work, then return to study when she has a real passion. I never understand the huge rush to get into debt for a degree when you've never even worked in the field you learn about. She'll be more inclined to work hard and be enthusiastic about it if she is studying something she really wants to know about. Life is not a race.

You’re not wrong about the education system, but your pity is why I find it hard to talk to friends with neurotypical children. I don’t want to be felt sorry for. It just makes me feel even more that DC is ‘less than’. I don’t want anyone to feel ‘so sad’ for me. That just makes me feel bad for being honest about how life is for us and that my ND child and our life makes you sad.

But yes, saying ‘that sounds really hard’ is a welcome response (because it is). Also that it’s unfair (because it also is)