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Original poster

Husbands says his needs are not being met - I’m 8wpp!

370 replies

Stephanieava · 03/02/2025 14:59

I’ll try to keep this short

I’m currently 8wpp. I had a terrible pregnancy, sickness the entire way & just all round awful. Me & my DH had zero sexual intimacy during that 9 months, plus a couple of months before (beside the obvious) when I was also pregnant but it unfortunately resulted in a loss. Got pregnant again within a month

Anyway, today my DH has sat me down for a conversation telling me his needs aren’t being met & i’m not making his feelings a priority

We had an incident at 1wpp (section) where I had been keeping a secret from him (financial) & he was very cross when I came clean. I said i’d do anything to keep him from leaving & made a joke about BJs everyday etc (god that’s so juvenile). Baring in mind I was 1wpp, & not in the best head space anyway. We had about 2 weeks where I really made an effort… and this sounds awful… it wasn’t because I wanted to, i felt i had to to keep him here. Not that he was pressuring me into it or anything, but i was trying anything to get our relationship back to normal. Which it now feels like it is

My headspace just isn’t in the place of giving sexual favours. I’m still in pain, my boobs are hurting from BF, i’m exhausted, my MH isn’t great etc etc etc

His point is that I was doing ‘bits’ for those 2 weeks, so why was it alright then but not alright now

I said i suppose i see his point, but i don’t want to feel cooerced into doing something sexual when I don’t feel like it. It’s not the first time he’s said this to me though, he also said it when i was pregnant

I suppose neither of us are being unreasonable in our stances, we’re allowed our feelings. But a part of me feels he should swallow them as I’m still only 8wpp!

How can I explain this to him in a decent way?

OP posts:
SouthLondonMum22 · 03/02/2025 18:39

Hazylazydays · 03/02/2025 18:35

I think there’s a lot of ridiculous piling on and name calling here.
The OP has already said they had no sex for nine months, plus a few months before that, now it’s two months pp, so it’s now well over a year. That hardly sounds like a normal married relationship.
I agree now isn’t or the best time for him to approach it, but I certainly don’t think he’s the demon everyone is making him out to be.

They didn't have sex for 9 months because she had an awful pregnancy with sickness the whole time and then obviously has just had a baby.

I don't see what's unusual about that.

Octoberdreaming · 03/02/2025 18:44

Get rid of him asap. It’s toxic masculinity and trust me it won’t get any better. Always put yourself and your baby first.

SapphireSeptember · 03/02/2025 18:44

The placenta coming away from the uterus wall leaves an open wound that's at risk of infection if anything goes in there. That's why they tell you to wait six weeks before having sex after giving birth. This is true of c sections and vaginal birth. C sections have the bonus of another wound where the stitches are. Why are some men so fucking selfish as to think their wants of having sex override a woman's need to stay healthy and alive for their baby?

justasking111 · 03/02/2025 18:50

Ponderingwindow · 03/02/2025 18:39

Why were you going into debt because of your pregnancy? Were you simply overspending or was it because he wasn’t covering your lost wages?

if he wasn’t covering half of your lost wages, that is financial abuse.

Is he paying for your losses during your maternity leave?

This is an important question @Stephanieava is either bad with money or not able to ask her husband for the extra cash baby things bring

Joker01 · 03/02/2025 19:02

PregnancyHormonesss · 03/02/2025 18:13

Wow i am shocked by some of the replies! Only on mumsnet really…guy wanting sex is gross and basically divorce him straight away😳

@Stephanieava from what you are saying your husband is not pestering you or forcing you and he had a normal conversation about his needs. How else can he approach the subject?
you are 8weeks pp…9 months of pregnancy you havent been intimate..and some more before, thats basically a year in sexless marriage. Its definitely tough for him and i also understand why you were not up to it.

8 weeks pp is really enough to start being intimate if there is no medical complications…if your libido is non existent maybe its worth looking for help before your marriage gets worse over it?

and I understand his side that why would you not want to please him, the person you love. my libido is low, i am 34weeks pregnant with placenta previa so no sex for months, and also feeling sick, back hurting, tired, so completely understand but even in those circumstances i occasionally enjoy the closeness, its not only about the quicky…

i am with your husband on this

She doesn’t want to.Shes exhausted. She doesn’t feel physically or mentally ready.

Those reasons are enough reasons. Stop trying to convince people who don’t want sex that they should have sex. He is entitled to express his hurt by it but he is not entitled to guilt her into doing something she doesn’t want to.

sabbii · 03/02/2025 19:08

Stephanieava · 03/02/2025 14:59

I’ll try to keep this short

I’m currently 8wpp. I had a terrible pregnancy, sickness the entire way & just all round awful. Me & my DH had zero sexual intimacy during that 9 months, plus a couple of months before (beside the obvious) when I was also pregnant but it unfortunately resulted in a loss. Got pregnant again within a month

Anyway, today my DH has sat me down for a conversation telling me his needs aren’t being met & i’m not making his feelings a priority

We had an incident at 1wpp (section) where I had been keeping a secret from him (financial) & he was very cross when I came clean. I said i’d do anything to keep him from leaving & made a joke about BJs everyday etc (god that’s so juvenile). Baring in mind I was 1wpp, & not in the best head space anyway. We had about 2 weeks where I really made an effort… and this sounds awful… it wasn’t because I wanted to, i felt i had to to keep him here. Not that he was pressuring me into it or anything, but i was trying anything to get our relationship back to normal. Which it now feels like it is

My headspace just isn’t in the place of giving sexual favours. I’m still in pain, my boobs are hurting from BF, i’m exhausted, my MH isn’t great etc etc etc

His point is that I was doing ‘bits’ for those 2 weeks, so why was it alright then but not alright now

I said i suppose i see his point, but i don’t want to feel cooerced into doing something sexual when I don’t feel like it. It’s not the first time he’s said this to me though, he also said it when i was pregnant

I suppose neither of us are being unreasonable in our stances, we’re allowed our feelings. But a part of me feels he should swallow them as I’m still only 8wpp!

How can I explain this to him in a decent way?

As a bloke I am absolutely disgusted by this DH-s attitude, zero appreciation or understanding of what his partner went through. Not as if it was about popping one out and getting back in the saddle.

28Fluctuations · 03/02/2025 19:15

What does he do to please you, because he loves you? What would you like him to do, that would make you feel better? Is he making you and your happiness a priority?

I bet when you figure out what you really want, it won't be him.

scranonstrangler · 03/02/2025 19:16

This is horrific. I had sex about 8 weeks pp because I wanted to not bc it was demanded of me.

There is no way I would have wanted to if my husband had sat me down like this.

I would never look at him the same way if he did.

JANEY205 · 03/02/2025 19:20

This makes me want to throw up. He is a cunt. Do you have family you and baby can stay with? I’d be telling them why too because you’re sexually harassed in your own home. Tell him because it makes him a rapist if he’s pressuring you in to sex acts and you don’t want to. Urgh god I’d have the ick forever off this and could never forgive him.

IWishIWasABaller · 03/02/2025 19:22

Horrifying just horrifying. I don't even know what to say op I hope you have someone supportive you can confide in

Whatdafudge · 03/02/2025 19:24

Honestly I wasn’t expecting that to go where it did. But my jaw literally dropped to the floor. He’s awful to put that on you. I’m 16months pp and my partner absolutely wouldn’t dream of making me feel like I have to do anything with him like that if I don’t want to! Crazy. I feel for you.

PhyllisWallet · 03/02/2025 19:24

takealettermsjones · 03/02/2025 16:03

We're great, aren't we? So creative 😊

Show quote history

Well I was rather thinking perhaps as grown ups we might be able to offer a little constructive advice without being so foul mouthed but I suppose it is MN.

Huckinfell · 03/02/2025 19:30

Are you with my twat ex. This sounds like the kind of selfish 'poor me' shit he'd do and I know he's recently had a baby with someone of a not too dissimilar name.
Either way, women's bodies go through a hell of a lot during pregnancy and childbirth. Then you've got a tiny person to look after who zaps all your energy whilst recovering from the birth which can take months. DH needs to get real I'm afraid. Does he help out with the baby much? I'm surprised he's got the energy either with a newborn around to be honest

PregnancyHormonesss · 03/02/2025 19:38

Joker01 · 03/02/2025 19:02

She doesn’t want to.Shes exhausted. She doesn’t feel physically or mentally ready.

Those reasons are enough reasons. Stop trying to convince people who don’t want sex that they should have sex. He is entitled to express his hurt by it but he is not entitled to guilt her into doing something she doesn’t want to.

Show quote history

Fair enough. He doesn’t need to be in a sexless marriage..but oh wait he is a pig by wanting sex. This is a problem they have to meet in the middle about. Its not that oh wife doesnt want to so husband has to suck it up bc its what she wants matters only. Its been a year…i understand tough pregnancy, time right after giving birth etc but it looks like he is waiting a long time. She doesnt need to force herself but at least start working on a problem

FOJN · 03/02/2025 19:38

PhyllisWallet · 03/02/2025 19:24

Well I was rather thinking perhaps as grown ups we might be able to offer a little constructive advice without being so foul mouthed but I suppose it is MN.

Show quote history

You can't reason with unreasonable people.

A man wanting sex isn't unreasonable but "my needs aren't being met" when OP gave birth 8wks ago after a horrendous pregnancy is.

In short it's not my fault the man is a cunt and you are more offended by our honesty than his cuntish behaviour. That's a you problem.

Joker01 · 03/02/2025 19:42

PregnancyHormonesss · 03/02/2025 19:38

Fair enough. He doesn’t need to be in a sexless marriage..but oh wait he is a pig by wanting sex. This is a problem they have to meet in the middle about. Its not that oh wife doesnt want to so husband has to suck it up bc its what she wants matters only. Its been a year…i understand tough pregnancy, time right after giving birth etc but it looks like he is waiting a long time. She doesnt need to force herself but at least start working on a problem

Show quote history

Except I didn’t say that. I said he is more than within his rights to express his feelings. But no one should ever make someone else feel like shit for not wanting sex and any reason to not want sex is a good enough reason. If she doesn’t want sex right now, she is well within her rights to refuse it and he shouldn’t, under any circumstances, make her feel like shit about it or try and pressure her into it. If he doesn’t like that he can express his feelings and they can have a conversation or if he’s really that annoyed he is well within his rights to end the marriage. But the rest of his behaviour is unacceptable and indefensible.

And you never said ‘meet in the middle’, you actually agreed with his behaviour. You say you are on his side with all of this. On the side of a man coercing his wife into sex? Absolutely not. Expressing your feelings and discussing is one thing, pressure and guilt tripping is never okay.

PregnancyHormonesss · 03/02/2025 19:43

tothelefttotheleft · 03/02/2025 18:25

@PregnancyHormonesss

So you haven't had a baby yet? If not maybe don't give advice to a woman who has.

I have a 4 year old at home

PregnancyHormonesss · 03/02/2025 19:44

ThatFluentTiger · 03/02/2025 18:32

I’m sorry that your boundaries and what you perceive as healthy in a relationship are so skewed that you think any of what the OP has written about her husband are ok.

Show quote history

We dont need to agree.

southpawsofthenorth · 03/02/2025 19:46

Oh just tell him to fuck off

SouthLondonMum22 · 03/02/2025 19:49

PregnancyHormonesss · 03/02/2025 19:38

Fair enough. He doesn’t need to be in a sexless marriage..but oh wait he is a pig by wanting sex. This is a problem they have to meet in the middle about. Its not that oh wife doesnt want to so husband has to suck it up bc its what she wants matters only. Its been a year…i understand tough pregnancy, time right after giving birth etc but it looks like he is waiting a long time. She doesnt need to force herself but at least start working on a problem

Show quote history

He's a pig pushing it when she has just gone through a difficult pregnancy and given birth to his child. He needs to give it more time and stop going on about his wants which are unimportant right now.

PregnancyHormonesss · 03/02/2025 19:55

Joker01 · 03/02/2025 19:42

Except I didn’t say that. I said he is more than within his rights to express his feelings. But no one should ever make someone else feel like shit for not wanting sex and any reason to not want sex is a good enough reason. If she doesn’t want sex right now, she is well within her rights to refuse it and he shouldn’t, under any circumstances, make her feel like shit about it or try and pressure her into it. If he doesn’t like that he can express his feelings and they can have a conversation or if he’s really that annoyed he is well within his rights to end the marriage. But the rest of his behaviour is unacceptable and indefensible.

And you never said ‘meet in the middle’, you actually agreed with his behaviour. You say you are on his side with all of this. On the side of a man coercing his wife into sex? Absolutely not. Expressing your feelings and discussing is one thing, pressure and guilt tripping is never okay.

Edited
Show quote history

Misunderstanding. I agree with him bringing it up to her attention and saying he wants to have sex with his wife (nothing wrong about it?) BUT since she is not up to it which i also understand, they should meet somewhere “in the middle” and look for a solution. He is not being unreasonable after a year and 2 months postpartnum.. there is no “her way” or no way in this circumstances in my opinion🤷🏻‍♀️
i just value sex and its an important part of marriage. There is time to put it off and there is time to start working on it.

PhyllisWallet · 03/02/2025 19:55

FOJN · 03/02/2025 19:38

You can't reason with unreasonable people.

A man wanting sex isn't unreasonable but "my needs aren't being met" when OP gave birth 8wks ago after a horrendous pregnancy is.

In short it's not my fault the man is a cunt and you are more offended by our honesty than his cuntish behaviour. That's a you problem.

Show quote history

It's nothing to do with honesty. You're just being foul mouthed.

PregnancyHormonesss · 03/02/2025 19:58

SouthLondonMum22 · 03/02/2025 19:49

He's a pig pushing it when she has just gone through a difficult pregnancy and given birth to his child. He needs to give it more time and stop going on about his wants which are unimportant right now.

Show quote history

It was bloody 2 months ago!!! Her vagina is fully healed, if its in her head she needs help because
it will only get worse, nothing bad with seeking help.
if she is tired and overwhelmed etc i get it..been there…lets sit him down what she needs from him so she can relax more and work on her libido

SouthLondonMum22 · 03/02/2025 19:58

PregnancyHormonesss · 03/02/2025 19:55

Misunderstanding. I agree with him bringing it up to her attention and saying he wants to have sex with his wife (nothing wrong about it?) BUT since she is not up to it which i also understand, they should meet somewhere “in the middle” and look for a solution. He is not being unreasonable after a year and 2 months postpartnum.. there is no “her way” or no way in this circumstances in my opinion🤷🏻‍♀️
i just value sex and its an important part of marriage. There is time to put it off and there is time to start working on it.

Show quote history

How can you meet in the middle? There's no compromise when it comes to sex.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 03/02/2025 19:59

PhyllisWallet · 03/02/2025 19:55

It's nothing to do with honesty. You're just being foul mouthed.

Show quote history

There's no rule against swearing on Mumsnet.