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Original poster

Husbands says his needs are not being met - I’m 8wpp!

370 replies

Stephanieava · 03/02/2025 14:59

I’ll try to keep this short

I’m currently 8wpp. I had a terrible pregnancy, sickness the entire way & just all round awful. Me & my DH had zero sexual intimacy during that 9 months, plus a couple of months before (beside the obvious) when I was also pregnant but it unfortunately resulted in a loss. Got pregnant again within a month

Anyway, today my DH has sat me down for a conversation telling me his needs aren’t being met & i’m not making his feelings a priority

We had an incident at 1wpp (section) where I had been keeping a secret from him (financial) & he was very cross when I came clean. I said i’d do anything to keep him from leaving & made a joke about BJs everyday etc (god that’s so juvenile). Baring in mind I was 1wpp, & not in the best head space anyway. We had about 2 weeks where I really made an effort… and this sounds awful… it wasn’t because I wanted to, i felt i had to to keep him here. Not that he was pressuring me into it or anything, but i was trying anything to get our relationship back to normal. Which it now feels like it is

My headspace just isn’t in the place of giving sexual favours. I’m still in pain, my boobs are hurting from BF, i’m exhausted, my MH isn’t great etc etc etc

His point is that I was doing ‘bits’ for those 2 weeks, so why was it alright then but not alright now

I said i suppose i see his point, but i don’t want to feel cooerced into doing something sexual when I don’t feel like it. It’s not the first time he’s said this to me though, he also said it when i was pregnant

I suppose neither of us are being unreasonable in our stances, we’re allowed our feelings. But a part of me feels he should swallow them as I’m still only 8wpp!

How can I explain this to him in a decent way?

OP posts:
MissScarletInTheBallroom · 03/02/2025 17:46

Tipsyscripsy · 03/02/2025 15:56

is there a reason you felt you couldn’t go to him regarding needing things to be different financially when you were pregnant?

I ask because I would never be in a situation with my spouse where I felt I had to get into debt because I couldn’t say hey we need to relook at our financials because our situation has changed.

obviously hiding debt is not good and it was probably a shock to him but I question why you were in that situation in the first place?

Edited

This.

@Stephanieava Your husband sounds like a shitbag all round. His money should be your money and you should only be doing things in the bedroom if you both want to.

Grammarnut · 03/02/2025 17:47

Let me get this right. Your DH, the father of your child, was thinking of leaving you with a 2 week old baby, and you are the one in the wrong? He's massively in the wrong and should be apologising to you, esp if he accepted 'sexual favours' as an inducement to stay - that's treating you like a prostituted woman.
I also have to ask why you ran up debts that you could not pay. You are married, he should have been paying for anything you needed out of your joint income (because it is your joint income, you are married), not blowing his top because he has not been responsible enough to make sure you have the money for whatever you needed. Again, he's to make the apology.
I was married to ex in the 70s and 80s and never, never when I was a stay at home mother considered other than that his salary was mine to run the household, buy what I needed, pay bills etc. whilst my contribution was running the home and rearing children. Where on earth did you find this twerp?

SALaw · 03/02/2025 17:48

He sounds like a dick. Has he always been a dick?

Wonderi · 03/02/2025 17:51

Going against the grain a bit here but I think him expressing how he feels is fine, healthy even.

I too would feel uncomfortable if my partner was doing sexual things for me when he didn’t actually want to.

It does also seem like there isn’t much sex in your relationship and hasn’t been for a while.
Which is probably not something I would like in a relationship either.

But you are only 8weeks PP and there’s no way he should be making you feel guilty for not doing sexual things.

My opinion of him depends on his reaction when you told him that you are just not comfortable doing anything right now.

Its ok for him to feel a little disappointed or unloved but it’s absolutely not ok for him to make you feel guilty or pressure you.

I would say it’s completely off the table for now.

I actually think this is a bit of a red herring though.

There are obviously huge issues in your relationship (not having sex beforehand, you lying about debt and then promising him BJs every day).
It doesn’t sound very healthy at all.

crumpet · 03/02/2025 17:53

Stephanieava · 03/02/2025 15:51

I’ve just tried to approach the subject again

the financial incident was that i built up debts that he didnt know about on credit cards (in my sole name) whilst i was unable to work during pregnancy. They had gotten to the stage of me not being able to pay them anymore. Anyway, that side of things is sorted now

I said to him (& i think its wound him up more) that during the 2 weeks or however long it was, i was in a desperate head space and would have done anything to make our relationship normal. I didn’t enjoy it or want to do it

he’s not responded well. He said that was gross to hear and also unkind. Gross for him to think that i was pleasuring him but not enjoying it - makes him feel like he was forcing me. Which he wasn’t, it was me offering it. Unkind because i basically ‘pulled that out of the bag’ as a weapon to keep him but then took it away now i feel our relationship is normal. He said it was like dangling the carrot and then taking it away and is confused how i can’t see his point of view. I can to a degree but i also can’t understand how he doesn’t see mine

His end point is why would i not want to be pleasing my partner when it would make him happy. I said it doesn’t even cross my mind and again to him that’s what upsets him, that im not even thinking about it

I don’t really know where to go from here

i’ve definitely made him sound worse than he is, he’s not abusive, he is a fantastic father and husband (most of the time!). But does get moody from time to time i must admit

His end point is why you don’t want to please him?

Why isn’t his end point making sure your needs as a new, recovering mother are met - ie rest, support and tlc.

IhateBegonias · 03/02/2025 17:58

I’m so sorry OP. What a vile man! No you should not have to do anything you don’t like/want to do.

Dweetfidilove · 03/02/2025 17:59

I suppose neither of us are being unreasonable in our stances, we’re allowed our feelings. But a part of me feels he should swallow them as I’m still only 8wpp!

One of you is beyond unreasonable, and that is your husband. You're only 8 weeks pp! This is too soon for a sex parlay and it's terrible you feel the need to 'keep him" at this stage. He's not a safe life partner.

CatherineDurrant · 03/02/2025 18:11

How can you explain it to him in a decent way?
Why? He's not decent, nothing about this is decent.

For whatever reason you have said no and you've made it clear. He's tried to force you into doing something you aren't happy with, using breathtaking entitlement and passive aggression to get your compliance when you are additionally extremely vulnerable.

This should hit every boundary you have. All.the.red.flags.
Put plans in place to leave.

PregnancyHormonesss · 03/02/2025 18:13

Wow i am shocked by some of the replies! Only on mumsnet really…guy wanting sex is gross and basically divorce him straight away😳

@Stephanieava from what you are saying your husband is not pestering you or forcing you and he had a normal conversation about his needs. How else can he approach the subject?
you are 8weeks pp…9 months of pregnancy you havent been intimate..and some more before, thats basically a year in sexless marriage. Its definitely tough for him and i also understand why you were not up to it.

8 weeks pp is really enough to start being intimate if there is no medical complications…if your libido is non existent maybe its worth looking for help before your marriage gets worse over it?

and I understand his side that why would you not want to please him, the person you love. my libido is low, i am 34weeks pregnant with placenta previa so no sex for months, and also feeling sick, back hurting, tired, so completely understand but even in those circumstances i occasionally enjoy the closeness, its not only about the quicky…

i am with your husband on this

CharlieUniformNovemberTangoYankee · 03/02/2025 18:16

You've not long given birth, you're tired, you're sore, you're married to a fucking arsehole who thinks you're only there to serve his 'needs' - why on earth would you want to be intimate with him?

momtoboys · 03/02/2025 18:20

What a wanker your husband is. If you feel you have to carry on like that against your will in order for him to stay married to you, you have more problems than favors.

BMW6 · 03/02/2025 18:21

Please OP, tell him from all of us to FUCK OFF TO THE FAR SIDE OF FUCK OFF THEN WHEN HE GETS THERE FUCK OFF A BIT FURTHER

justasking111 · 03/02/2025 18:21

I had full sex at six weeks. Wasn't comfortable but he was very gentle. I couldn't be bothered servicing a man like this

FluffMagnet · 03/02/2025 18:24

Sit him down and tell him your needs are not being met and he isn't making your feelings a priority, and therefore by extension he isn't meeting the needs of his tiny newborn child either.

What a dick.

tothelefttotheleft · 03/02/2025 18:25

@PregnancyHormonesss

So you haven't had a baby yet? If not maybe don't give advice to a woman who has.

Shufflebumnessie · 03/02/2025 18:25

Please show him all the replies on here and then start getting yourself ready to leave the selfish, coercive, manipulative, man-child that calls himself your husband.
How on earth can you even stand to be near him with that sort of disgusting behaviour. It's making my skin crawl just reading about it!
He's trying to pressure you into sex/sexual activity you don't want, whilst you're in an incredibly vulnerable time of your life. He's displaying the behaviour of a sexual predator.

Cattery · 03/02/2025 18:28

🤮 You’re a new mum. He’s bullying you to pick him over the baby (yes, he is). Tell him to grow the fuck up or fuck off out of it. Childish cunt

rivalsbinge · 03/02/2025 18:28

Oh I actually feel sick to my stomach. You do know this is not normal it's one of the worse things I've read on here for a very long time.

He punished you after having a baby by making you give him head for two weeks.

Are you ok can you talk to someone you trust and get away from this abusive bully.

Frostynoman · 03/02/2025 18:29

Was he going to leave if you hadn’t been intimate? You say he isn’t pressuring you however you felt that was the only way to keep him (which is indeed pressure).

He is emotionally manipulating you for sex. This isn’t something a decent person does.

speakout · 03/02/2025 18:29

Sexual coercion is a crime OP.

It is a form of sexual assult.

Please leave this disgusting man.
He sees you as no more than a hole to fuck.

Get rid.

SouthLondonMum22 · 03/02/2025 18:30

PregnancyHormonesss · 03/02/2025 18:13

Wow i am shocked by some of the replies! Only on mumsnet really…guy wanting sex is gross and basically divorce him straight away😳

@Stephanieava from what you are saying your husband is not pestering you or forcing you and he had a normal conversation about his needs. How else can he approach the subject?
you are 8weeks pp…9 months of pregnancy you havent been intimate..and some more before, thats basically a year in sexless marriage. Its definitely tough for him and i also understand why you were not up to it.

8 weeks pp is really enough to start being intimate if there is no medical complications…if your libido is non existent maybe its worth looking for help before your marriage gets worse over it?

and I understand his side that why would you not want to please him, the person you love. my libido is low, i am 34weeks pregnant with placenta previa so no sex for months, and also feeling sick, back hurting, tired, so completely understand but even in those circumstances i occasionally enjoy the closeness, its not only about the quicky…

i am with your husband on this

She had a baby 8 weeks ago. Why is the priority OP pleasing him? What is he doing to please her when she hasn't long given birth to his baby?

Wanting sex isn't gross but bringing it up at this stage is, as is his response about pleasing him when it doesn't seem to be working both ways.

It's only enough time if OP feels comfortable which she clearly doesn't right now and probably even less so due to his pushy behaviour.

ThatFluentTiger · 03/02/2025 18:32

PregnancyHormonesss · 03/02/2025 18:13

Wow i am shocked by some of the replies! Only on mumsnet really…guy wanting sex is gross and basically divorce him straight away😳

@Stephanieava from what you are saying your husband is not pestering you or forcing you and he had a normal conversation about his needs. How else can he approach the subject?
you are 8weeks pp…9 months of pregnancy you havent been intimate..and some more before, thats basically a year in sexless marriage. Its definitely tough for him and i also understand why you were not up to it.

8 weeks pp is really enough to start being intimate if there is no medical complications…if your libido is non existent maybe its worth looking for help before your marriage gets worse over it?

and I understand his side that why would you not want to please him, the person you love. my libido is low, i am 34weeks pregnant with placenta previa so no sex for months, and also feeling sick, back hurting, tired, so completely understand but even in those circumstances i occasionally enjoy the closeness, its not only about the quicky…

i am with your husband on this

I’m sorry that your boundaries and what you perceive as healthy in a relationship are so skewed that you think any of what the OP has written about her husband are ok.

Hazylazydays · 03/02/2025 18:35

I think there’s a lot of ridiculous piling on and name calling here.
The OP has already said they had no sex for nine months, plus a few months before that, now it’s two months pp, so it’s now well over a year. That hardly sounds like a normal married relationship.
I agree now isn’t or the best time for him to approach it, but I certainly don’t think he’s the demon everyone is making him out to be.

Shufflebumnessie · 03/02/2025 18:36

@PregnancyHormonesss for many women having sex 8 week after giving birth is the last thing they want to do, for many reasons, regardless of what the general medical advice suggests.
I had a relatively uncomplicated birth compared to many but there was no way I was ready to have sex (or any other form of sexual intimacy) for a long time afterwards. And my DH completely understood and respected that.
If a man can't comprehend what a woman goes through during pregnancy/birth, and what follows, then he's really not mature enough to be in a relationship or be a father.

Ponderingwindow · 03/02/2025 18:39

Why were you going into debt because of your pregnancy? Were you simply overspending or was it because he wasn’t covering your lost wages?

if he wasn’t covering half of your lost wages, that is financial abuse.

Is he paying for your losses during your maternity leave?