Husbands says his needs are not being met - I’m 8wpp!

[Stephanieava]

I’ll try to keep this short

I’m currently 8wpp. I had a terrible pregnancy, sickness the entire way & just all round awful. Me & my DH had zero sexual intimacy during that 9 months, plus a couple of months before (beside the obvious) when I was also pregnant but it unfortunately resulted in a loss. Got pregnant again within a month

Anyway, today my DH has sat me down for a conversation telling me his needs aren’t being met & i’m not making his feelings a priority

We had an incident at 1wpp (section) where I had been keeping a secret from him (financial) & he was very cross when I came clean. I said i’d do anything to keep him from leaving & made a joke about BJs everyday etc (god that’s so juvenile). Baring in mind I was 1wpp, & not in the best head space anyway. We had about 2 weeks where I really made an effort… and this sounds awful… it wasn’t because I wanted to, i felt i had to to keep him here. Not that he was pressuring me into it or anything, but i was trying anything to get our relationship back to normal. Which it now feels like it is

My headspace just isn’t in the place of giving sexual favours. I’m still in pain, my boobs are hurting from BF, i’m exhausted, my MH isn’t great etc etc etc

His point is that I was doing ‘bits’ for those 2 weeks, so why was it alright then but not alright now

I said i suppose i see his point, but i don’t want to feel cooerced into doing something sexual when I don’t feel like it. It’s not the first time he’s said this to me though, he also said it when i was pregnant

I suppose neither of us are being unreasonable in our stances, we’re allowed our feelings. But a part of me feels he should swallow them as I’m still only 8wpp!

How can I explain this to him in a decent way?

Swearing is so much worse than trying to coerce your wife into sex she doesn't want?

I'm really comfortable with my priorities here.

Ye gods...

Getting to the root of the problem i think…
is it mental health? Physical health? Is it tiredness and being overwhelmed as a new mom? Everything leads to a different solutions. If something is not on and putting her off i would expect to work on it from his side so she can work on her approach to sex.
this is what i have done in my marriage and we have been there as well. I also have low libido for a long long time before kids as well.

no one has to agree with me. but she says she painted him in a bad light, i dont see him forcing her to have sex in OP’s posts, she hasnt brought up any other serious problems in their marriage, so i take they are just a regular couple with ups and downs and i dont see any reason for a divorce etc which was suggested multiple times here.

No of course there is nothing wrong with bringing it up, but instead of asking her what’s wrong, how he can help, maybe he needs to take the pressure off, maybe he needs to take baby so she can sleep, maybe they need to work out whatever has gone wrong financially in their relationship, I don’t know - those things, grand. What he did? Not grand. Never okay. That’s why people are calling him a pig, not because he wants a sexual relationship.

Lots of us value sex and think it’s an important part of marriage, but we also recognise that sex is about two people being comfortable, not one person demanding it and going about getting it in dirty, underhanded ways. And just because her vagina might be fully healed (we don’t know as OP hasn’t mentioned what’s going on there) doesn’t mean hormonally all is well. Or that her mental health is okay. Or that she isn’t beyond shattered. We have no details so we can’t sit here and tell her it’s only fair that she bucks up.

You missed the bit where she had a miscarriage and then her pregnancy made her so ill she had to give up work, and she had major abdominal surgery and has a baby aged 8 weeks.

Apparently her partner did too and seems to think she owes him.

Yes, that makes him a twat.

My point exactly 🤷🏻‍♀️

Well, most of us can walk and chew gum at the same time. Being allowed to swear with creative abandon is one of the few privileges of adulthood 😊

Absolutely this.

His attitude is concerning due to the way he went about it and the timing of bringing it up. He was only talking about OP pleasing him and seemingly pressuring her.

The responses would've largely been different if he talked about what she needs, giving her a break from the baby etc.

How the bloody hell do you know the state of her vagina??

How the fuck can you read a post about a woman eight weeks into motherhood, tired and sore and knackered from breastfeeding, having to listen to her bloody husband bitch and moan about how she's not blowing him daily any more and then say she has to relax more and work on her libido???

My libido would have done a Shirley Valentine at the first hint of this absolute bullshit.

This post has made me feel sick. I can only offer that you need to concentrate on yourself and your baby and that he can get his act together or leave. So sorry .

I would be contemplating violence if I had an 8 week old baby and my partner was complaining about his sex life.

Placating an angry man with your body - I feel sick thinking about that.

That is exactly what I thought.
You are married. Pregnant with his child and got into debt because you couldn't work.
For whatever reason you didn't feel you could tell him at the time so to keep the peace you build up a credit card debt.

Ask your self, why did you feel unable to discuss the fact that without pay during pregnancy you needed to pay for things by credit card?

Why wasn't he supporting you financially at this time? Why didn't you feel you could just ask him to help?

Sorry OP, that smacks of financial abuse too. You should talk to someone in RL about this, maybe Women's aid.. and also your GP/or Midwife/Health visitor about his constant requests for sex when you feel you are still recovering from a difficult year, a difficult pregnancy, abdominal surgery and the actual birth.

Are you kidding?

LTB

He is arguing that if you love him you should want to meet his needs. This argument works both ways. He should want to meet your needs...of uninterrupted sleep, your body healing, you getting to find a way to get to know your changed body, your new role as parent. I have clearly made assumptions as to what your current needs are and only you will know. but he has to understand that he should want to meet your needs, too and that they are just as valid (if somewhat different) as his

It's also a sign of low integrity 😊

But ignoring OP's issue in favour of telling off grown adults for swearing isn't?

When you are trying to make a point about a man being abusive you sort of lose the moral high ground by using abusive language yourself.

Op why were you in a position that you felt you had to offer Favours to keep him?.

It should be that no amount of financial issues would keep him away?

I'd sat a bigger sign of lacking integrity would be derailing the thread of an abused woman to crusade about swearing.

I don't even need to read your post.
Just read the title and can tell he needs to be told to F**k himself

But it’s a sign of higher intelligence and better pain management.

Why isn't he supporting you financially?

The sex thing is just grim too

Sexual and financial abuse.

Honestly, he doesn’t sound as if he is a fantastic husband. He sounds absolutely repulsive.