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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husbands says his needs are not being met - I’m 8wpp!

370 replies

Stephanieava · 03/02/2025 14:59

I’ll try to keep this short

I’m currently 8wpp. I had a terrible pregnancy, sickness the entire way & just all round awful. Me & my DH had zero sexual intimacy during that 9 months, plus a couple of months before (beside the obvious) when I was also pregnant but it unfortunately resulted in a loss. Got pregnant again within a month

Anyway, today my DH has sat me down for a conversation telling me his needs aren’t being met & i’m not making his feelings a priority

We had an incident at 1wpp (section) where I had been keeping a secret from him (financial) & he was very cross when I came clean. I said i’d do anything to keep him from leaving & made a joke about BJs everyday etc (god that’s so juvenile). Baring in mind I was 1wpp, & not in the best head space anyway. We had about 2 weeks where I really made an effort… and this sounds awful… it wasn’t because I wanted to, i felt i had to to keep him here. Not that he was pressuring me into it or anything, but i was trying anything to get our relationship back to normal. Which it now feels like it is

My headspace just isn’t in the place of giving sexual favours. I’m still in pain, my boobs are hurting from BF, i’m exhausted, my MH isn’t great etc etc etc

His point is that I was doing ‘bits’ for those 2 weeks, so why was it alright then but not alright now

I said i suppose i see his point, but i don’t want to feel cooerced into doing something sexual when I don’t feel like it. It’s not the first time he’s said this to me though, he also said it when i was pregnant

I suppose neither of us are being unreasonable in our stances, we’re allowed our feelings. But a part of me feels he should swallow them as I’m still only 8wpp!

How can I explain this to him in a decent way?

OP posts:
WoolySnail · 03/02/2025 17:22

Stephanieava · 03/02/2025 15:51

I’ve just tried to approach the subject again

the financial incident was that i built up debts that he didnt know about on credit cards (in my sole name) whilst i was unable to work during pregnancy. They had gotten to the stage of me not being able to pay them anymore. Anyway, that side of things is sorted now

I said to him (& i think its wound him up more) that during the 2 weeks or however long it was, i was in a desperate head space and would have done anything to make our relationship normal. I didn’t enjoy it or want to do it

he’s not responded well. He said that was gross to hear and also unkind. Gross for him to think that i was pleasuring him but not enjoying it - makes him feel like he was forcing me. Which he wasn’t, it was me offering it. Unkind because i basically ‘pulled that out of the bag’ as a weapon to keep him but then took it away now i feel our relationship is normal. He said it was like dangling the carrot and then taking it away and is confused how i can’t see his point of view. I can to a degree but i also can’t understand how he doesn’t see mine

His end point is why would i not want to be pleasing my partner when it would make him happy. I said it doesn’t even cross my mind and again to him that’s what upsets him, that im not even thinking about it

I don’t really know where to go from here

i’ve definitely made him sound worse than he is, he’s not abusive, he is a fantastic father and husband (most of the time!). But does get moody from time to time i must admit

Because right now the only person crossing your mind that needs their needs met is your baby!! Pretty selfish of him to not put his child and wife first during these early days x

OopsyDaisie · 03/02/2025 17:22

You tell him: "H, you are right, your feelings are NOT a priority, nor will they be for the foreseeable future. We have a baby and you are a father. The baby is a priority, the the BF 8wpp mother, then the laudry, dishes, and then you! Grow up or there is the door".
I also feel like saying that to my H, not that I haven't done so in the past... but he seems to forget that from time to time

ToBeOrNotToBee · 03/02/2025 17:24

His physical needs aren't being met by you because your emotional needs aren't being met by him.

Dramatic · 03/02/2025 17:24

MerlotMisery · 03/02/2025 15:49

What was your response to that? It's a good point.

Despite what the other posters here are telling you, a year without any intimacy is not at all normal or healthy, pregnancy or not.

Show quote history

It sounds as though op had a bad pregnancy, I had sickness all the way through (HG) and my husband completely accepted that I couldn't engage in anything like that, it just wasn't possible with the way I was feeling. Our sex life got back to normal afterwards because he allowed me to heal and naturally regain my sex drive, any sort of coercion would have probably resulted in me not wanting it for longer.

WhenTheyComeForYou · 03/02/2025 17:24

Stephanieava · 03/02/2025 15:51

I’ve just tried to approach the subject again

the financial incident was that i built up debts that he didnt know about on credit cards (in my sole name) whilst i was unable to work during pregnancy. They had gotten to the stage of me not being able to pay them anymore. Anyway, that side of things is sorted now

I said to him (& i think its wound him up more) that during the 2 weeks or however long it was, i was in a desperate head space and would have done anything to make our relationship normal. I didn’t enjoy it or want to do it

he’s not responded well. He said that was gross to hear and also unkind. Gross for him to think that i was pleasuring him but not enjoying it - makes him feel like he was forcing me. Which he wasn’t, it was me offering it. Unkind because i basically ‘pulled that out of the bag’ as a weapon to keep him but then took it away now i feel our relationship is normal. He said it was like dangling the carrot and then taking it away and is confused how i can’t see his point of view. I can to a degree but i also can’t understand how he doesn’t see mine

His end point is why would i not want to be pleasing my partner when it would make him happy. I said it doesn’t even cross my mind and again to him that’s what upsets him, that im not even thinking about it

I don’t really know where to go from here

i’ve definitely made him sound worse than he is, he’s not abusive, he is a fantastic father and husband (most of the time!). But does get moody from time to time i must admit

Why doesn’t he buy you flowers every week because it would make you happy?

Why doesn’t he make you every tea all day because it would make you happy?

Why doesn’t he give you a foot rub every evening because it would make you happy?

Sorry OP, but he’s being completely unreasonable. Sex is off the cards in 90% of marriages in the first months after having a baby. It’s more common to be abstaining than having sex. He’s making you feel otherwise and that’s not fair. At least now he knows the truth.

He can continue to guilt trip you, but then you know where you stand. Sex is more important to him than your happiness and comfort.

Bleachbum · 03/02/2025 17:25

I suppose neither of us are being unreasonable in our stances, we’re allowed our feelings.

Nope. He is being massively unreasonable.

And your daily penance of BJs for your sins turns my stomach. I’d bite it off next time.

Daleksatemyshed · 03/02/2025 17:25

Your problem isn't just the sexual favours @Stephanieava . You had a difficult pregnancy, couldn't work so got into debt but a decent DH wouldn't have watched you struggle, he would have carried you financially because you were unwell. Did he just presume you had money or is he another man who expects you to pay your own way, ill or not?
Quite honestly, this is the man he is Op, a man who fathers a baby but thinks everything is your responsibility.

EyesFlowers · 03/02/2025 17:26

You’ve just had a baby. None of your needs are being met right now! What a selfish wanker

rainythursdayontheavenue · 03/02/2025 17:27

OP can you talk to your Mum or a friend about this? Maybe spend some time with your parents and get some support. It sounds like you're walking on eggshells around his sex drive - and that's as far from a healthy relationship as it gets.

You have every reason NOT to want sex right now. Some couples take years to return to "normal" or pre children levels of intimacy.

FurnellaFurchester · 03/02/2025 17:28

I can’t believe what I’ve just read. What a manipulative tw*t.

He’s vile, he’s neither a good father nor a good husband - yours and the baby’s needs should be the only thing on his mind now and for the foreseeable.
And he did coerce you into doing things for him, if he can’t see that he’s stupid as well as vile.

Buy him a flashlight and tell him to get on with it.

TheSidewinderSleepsTonite · 03/02/2025 17:28

Bloody hell, op. You're with a horrible piece of shit. I'd seriously leave a man who did this.

I first had sex with DH at 8/9 months pp with ds1 and not until around 18 months pp with DS2. I was breastfeeding and had ZERO sex drive. DS2 was also (still is) a shit sleeper so that didn't help. My sex drive came back when my period did and we're back to normal. But in those time periods, never ever, not ONCE, did DH pressure me, force me, guilt me, nothing.
Nobody should ever make you feel forced into sex. Your DH is at best a selfish twat, at worst, sexually abusive.

Bleachbum · 03/02/2025 17:29

Also, why would he get cross or want to leave you because you built up personal debt??? That’s not how loving, supportive, committed spouses behave.

2025willbemytime · 03/02/2025 17:29

The point this idiot you're married to is missing is that he isn't your priority anymore as you have a tiny baby to care for.

How would he feel if you were having sex and the baby cried? Would he be okay with you stopping or would the baby have to wait until the Big Man had his orgasm?

You are 100% not in the wrong.

Spin it back on him, why wouldn't he want to make his wife happy and support her in her recovery from growing an adult fucking human, HIS BABY, while he picks up 50% of her 50% of the household duties and leave her the fuck alone?

BTW he owes you 50% minimum of all the costs you had to payout when not working..

Nanny0gg · 03/02/2025 17:32

Stephanieava · 03/02/2025 15:22

i have asked him why he would want me to do something i don’t want to do. Not sex, but pleasure him. And he asked why would i not want to pleasure my partner, the person i love

Ask him why he doesn't want to be considerate of and cherish his partner, the mother of his child, who he's supposed to love.

Who is in pain and uncomfortable and thinking of the baby she's given birth to

CoffeeCakeAndALattePlease · 03/02/2025 17:33

Yes, you’re both allowed your feelings of course. But he should then be able to think about his feelings and know that he shouldn’t be criticising you for them.

and a PP mentioned it being not normal or healthy to have a year without sex. This could be true or valid if not for a pregnancy loss, another difficult pregnancy and then a new baby….. all totally understandable reasons to lose sex drive. Especially when being treated like an object.

Imisscoffee2021 · 03/02/2025 17:34

Bloody hell what a disgusting man, I had a section and no sex during pregnancy due to it being ivf and anxious pregnancy, and just didn't feel like it tbh! And my husband has never said anything, even postpartum and now kiddos 18 months we don't do it much as he's a bad sleeper, and we talk how much WE miss that side of things but never feeling any pressure to assuage my husbands "needs".

In fact he's so appreciative of what my body went through before during and after pregnancy, as your husband should be. Not sitting you down when you still have a newborn! So sorry :(

MummyJ36 · 03/02/2025 17:38

He is disgusting. I’m sorry there is so much more I could say but he is absolutely disgusting, I’m sorry angry on your behalf OP.

cookingthebooks · 03/02/2025 17:39

My pregnancy was awful too both of them. Basically no sex the entire time and no favours either. It then took about 4 months PP for me to feel comfortable/ready to engage. My DH didn’t say a word! Other than these periods of life we are very intimately active so it was a massive loss for him but I got nothing but respect and support.

You are feeling completely reasonably and normally and he is taking advantage of his upper hand in a grotesque way!

Nationsss · 03/02/2025 17:41

You need to tell Women's aid this.
He is a disgusting pig.
God help you OP.
Please reach out for support.
Why were you using credit cards for mat leave?
Is he financially abusing you as well?

Meanwhile33 · 03/02/2025 17:41

“i built up debts that he didnt know about on credit cards (in my sole name) whilst i was unable to work during pregnancy.”

Were you buying random crap you didn’t need, or were you using credit cards for normal living expenses because you hadn’t had a proper conversation about how money would be shared while you weren’t working, and you had no access to any other funds? If it’s the second, he’s financially abusing you as well as sexually abusing you.

A normal man does not find it hard to understand that a brand new mum isn’t going to be even slightly interested in having sex with him, and that her lack of desire is not about him. Your man can only see his own point of view and that’s not good at all. I’m sorry you’re in this situation, he’s not a good man.

Chipsahoy · 03/02/2025 17:43

Stephanieava · 03/02/2025 14:59

I’ll try to keep this short

I’m currently 8wpp. I had a terrible pregnancy, sickness the entire way & just all round awful. Me & my DH had zero sexual intimacy during that 9 months, plus a couple of months before (beside the obvious) when I was also pregnant but it unfortunately resulted in a loss. Got pregnant again within a month

Anyway, today my DH has sat me down for a conversation telling me his needs aren’t being met & i’m not making his feelings a priority

We had an incident at 1wpp (section) where I had been keeping a secret from him (financial) & he was very cross when I came clean. I said i’d do anything to keep him from leaving & made a joke about BJs everyday etc (god that’s so juvenile). Baring in mind I was 1wpp, & not in the best head space anyway. We had about 2 weeks where I really made an effort… and this sounds awful… it wasn’t because I wanted to, i felt i had to to keep him here. Not that he was pressuring me into it or anything, but i was trying anything to get our relationship back to normal. Which it now feels like it is

My headspace just isn’t in the place of giving sexual favours. I’m still in pain, my boobs are hurting from BF, i’m exhausted, my MH isn’t great etc etc etc

His point is that I was doing ‘bits’ for those 2 weeks, so why was it alright then but not alright now

I said i suppose i see his point, but i don’t want to feel cooerced into doing something sexual when I don’t feel like it. It’s not the first time he’s said this to me though, he also said it when i was pregnant

I suppose neither of us are being unreasonable in our stances, we’re allowed our feelings. But a part of me feels he should swallow them as I’m still only 8wpp!

How can I explain this to him in a decent way?

Yes he’s being unreasonable. Absolutely and entirely unreasonable. It’s not you, it’s him. This is shocking behaviour.

Ilikeadrink14 · 03/02/2025 17:45

Grammarnut · 03/02/2025 15:36

Before six weeks pp sexual activity is not recommended. Is he so lacking in self-control, respect for you, or even self-respect to be discussing his 'needs' just now?
He could do his own BJ (vacuum cleaner?) - or use his right (or left?) hand to help himself out but a man who did either of these (or watched porn etc) would certainly lose my respect.
Bad husband, bad father.

Edited

Pardon my ignorance, but how would a vacuum cleaner help? Serious question!

Topjoe19 · 03/02/2025 17:45

God this is grim. And so sad. I'm so sorry OP, he's really disgusting & selfish.

Billyblue47 · 03/02/2025 17:45

He is revolving @Stephanieava. He isn't a good anything. He's treating you like a orifice purley for just pleasure rather than an actual person with feelings. You are more than a hole. DONT HAVE ANT SEX YOU DONT WANT. EVER. You have sex because you want to. Not because it will please him but because it will please you. I can't fathom a man that wants sex with someone that's not into it. Just reading @Stephanieava post make me feel sick and my whole body has the ick.

Mrsbloggz · 03/02/2025 17:45

Exploiting you when you are vulnerable and in need of protection. This man is a predator not a partner.

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