Page 12 | Husbands says his needs are not being met - I’m 8wpp!

Stephanieava · 2025-02-03T14:59:49+00:00

I’ll try to keep this short I’m currently 8wpp. I had a terrible pregnancy, sickness the entire way & just all round awful. Me & my DH had zero sexual intimacy during that 9 months, plus a couple of months before (beside the obvious) when I was also pregnant but it unfortunately resulted in a loss. Got pregnant again within a month Anyway, today my DH has sat me down for a conversation telling me his needs aren’t being met & i’m not making his feelings a priority We had an incident at 1wpp (section) where I had been keeping a secret from him (financial) & he was very cross when I came clean. I said i’d do anything to keep him from leaving & made a joke about BJs everyday etc (god that’s so juvenile). Baring in mind I was 1wpp, & not in the best head space anyway. We had about 2 weeks where I really made an effort… and this sounds awful… it wasn’t because I wanted to, i felt i had to to keep him here. Not that he was pressuring me into it or anything, but i was trying anything to get our relationship back to normal. Which it now feels like it is My headspace just isn’t in the place of giving sexual favours. I’m still in pain, my boobs are hurting from BF, i’m exhausted, my MH isn’t great etc etc etc His point is that I was doing ‘bits’ for those 2 weeks, so why was it alright then but not alright now I said i suppose i see his point, but i don’t want to feel cooerced into doing something sexual when I don’t feel like it. It’s not the first time he’s said this to me though, he also said it when i was pregnant I suppose neither of us are being unreasonable in our stances, we’re allowed our feelings. But a part of me feels he should swallow them as I’m still only 8wpp! How can I explain this to him in a decent way?

PregnancyHormonesss · 04/02/2025 09:15

thepariscrimefiles · 04/02/2025 08:25

Yuk! What a dreadful person you are. Some women take much longer to recover from childbirth and not everyone is fully healed after 8 weeks. No-one should be having sex that they don't want.

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Omg this is just ridiculous. Our replies are based on what we know from OP and not even once she has mentioned she hasn’t physically healed from giving birth and USUALLY 8 weeks is more than enough for that so why can i not assume she is fine but its ok for you to assume she needs more time to heal 😳😳😳
obviously if smth is going on and her body needs more time then its a simple answer but its quite an important thing to mention which she hasnt.
people here just added so much to her story for no reason, calling her husband names, advising to leave, divorce straight away, accusing him ot the worst abuse ever because he wants to have sex after over a year (including 2 months pp)
ridiculous🤷🏻‍♀️
no need to jump on me because i disagree

Blondiebeachbabe · 04/02/2025 09:21

the financial incident was that i built up debts that he didnt know about on credit cards (in my sole name) whilst i was unable to work during pregnancy

Leaving the rest aside, he should have been paying for EVERYTHING when you were pregnant, AND until you go back to work. You have lost YOUR wages because you grew HIS baby, WTAF!

When I met my now DH, he talked briefly about whether we might have kids. I didn't want any more (had 2 already), and I bluntly asked him whether he could afford to pay for everything for a year, and no he couldn't, so that was that.

PhyllisWallet · 04/02/2025 09:34

thepariscrimefiles · 04/02/2025 08:31

Does that mean that a woman who has been, for example, physically and sexually abused by a man would lose the moral high ground if she called that man a cunt? That swearing is on the same level as abuse?

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No. It means what it said.

Billyblue47 · 04/02/2025 09:41

You are not a pleasure machine. You are doing sexual acts to keep the peace. You feel the need to perform sexual act and are worried about the impact if you don't. @Stephanieava does that sound like a good man? Does that sound like a good partner,? Someone that you're so worried about disappointing that you're doing sexual acts so ad not to upset them. Would you be happy if your daughter was with someone just like her dad in adulthood?

I think you have been so abused and conditioned that you can't even see it anymore. I bet he tells you how lucky you are and what a catch he is. How bad things will he for you without him.

You need help @Stephanieava . You need help to see this isn't normal.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 04/02/2025 09:46

PregnancyHormonesss · 04/02/2025 09:15

Omg this is just ridiculous. Our replies are based on what we know from OP and not even once she has mentioned she hasn’t physically healed from giving birth and USUALLY 8 weeks is more than enough for that so why can i not assume she is fine but its ok for you to assume she needs more time to heal 😳😳😳
obviously if smth is going on and her body needs more time then its a simple answer but its quite an important thing to mention which she hasnt.
people here just added so much to her story for no reason, calling her husband names, advising to leave, divorce straight away, accusing him ot the worst abuse ever because he wants to have sex after over a year (including 2 months pp)
ridiculous🤷🏻‍♀️
no need to jump on me because i disagree

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She doesn't want to. Not wanting to is a good enough reason all by itself.

thepariscrimefiles · 04/02/2025 09:57

PregnancyHormonesss · 04/02/2025 09:15

Omg this is just ridiculous. Our replies are based on what we know from OP and not even once she has mentioned she hasn’t physically healed from giving birth and USUALLY 8 weeks is more than enough for that so why can i not assume she is fine but its ok for you to assume she needs more time to heal 😳😳😳
obviously if smth is going on and her body needs more time then its a simple answer but its quite an important thing to mention which she hasnt.
people here just added so much to her story for no reason, calling her husband names, advising to leave, divorce straight away, accusing him ot the worst abuse ever because he wants to have sex after over a year (including 2 months pp)
ridiculous🤷🏻‍♀️
no need to jump on me because i disagree

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All your posts are predicated on the premise that OP's DH is somehow 'owed' sex. You are the one that brought up her vagina in the context that if her vagina has healed, she should be having sex with her husband. He is basically blackmailing her for sex because she recently gave him oral sex to stop him leaving her after he found out that she had credit card debts (due entirely to him expecting the same financial contributions from her when she was unable to work).

No-one should ever have sex that they don't want and if her DH insists or continues to put pressure on her to make her feel guilty, he should be called names. Kindness, support and undertanding from her DH will help OP recover much more quickly than being coerced into some form of sexual activity.

Grammarnut · 04/02/2025 10:05

Ilikeadrink14 · 03/02/2025 17:45

Pardon my ignorance, but how would a vacuum cleaner help? Serious question!

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Apparently some men use a vacuum cleaner hose to bring themselves off - the vacuum cleaner is on. I am reminded of Harold's mechanical hand in The Big Bang Theory here, similar idea. Mechanical stimulation. Not sure if the vacuum cleaner thing is true, but OP's idiot H might give it a try?

BMW6 · 04/02/2025 10:46

Christ his whining would put me off ever wanting sex with him again!

Why can't he just have a wank and STFU?

Grammarnut · 04/02/2025 11:06

But, if you read the thread, @PregnancyHormonesss you will see he wanted sex, or 'pleasuring by hand or mouth' when OP was 1 wpp and 2 wpp - when she would not be healed and should not be having sex at all - and she had a c-section, which takes much longer to heal and get over. OP's DH is a creep who did not support her financially when she was pregnant and then went off the deep end when she had a bad credit card bill, instead of realising what a useless H is was in not supporting his pregnant wife and child.
He was forcing her to offer oral and manual sex when she did not want to. This is rape (oral sex, hand job is sexual assault) and treating OP as a thing, not a person. Whatever else he does, he is still a poor specimen of humanity.
NB Not all women want to do oral sex and it is wrong to force them to do it, and force includes gaslighting of the type OP's H is using.

VoodooRajin · 04/02/2025 11:12

PregnancyHormonesss · 03/02/2025 20:06

Getting to the root of the problem i think…
is it mental health? Physical health? Is it tiredness and being overwhelmed as a new mom? Everything leads to a different solutions. If something is not on and putting her off i would expect to work on it from his side so she can work on her approach to sex.
this is what i have done in my marriage and we have been there as well. I also have low libido for a long long time before kids as well.

no one has to agree with me. but she says she painted him in a bad light, i dont see him forcing her to have sex in OP’s posts, she hasnt brought up any other serious problems in their marriage, so i take they are just a regular couple with ups and downs and i dont see any reason for a divorce etc which was suggested multiple times here.

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Or he could consider her needs, why are his more important?

Zippedydodah · 04/02/2025 11:26

SheridansPortSalut · 03/02/2025 16:17

"I felt i had to, to keep him here."

Why do you want to keep him there?
He's awful. Let him go.

wtf?
Op, he’s being an abusive, coercive and revoltingly selfish bastard.
The fact you felt you had to force yourself into performing for him is so sad and soul-destroying.
☹️

StiffyByngsDogBartholomew · 04/02/2025 12:21

men are used to their wants and desires being prioritised. Very many men prioritise their own needs as number 1. Then the woman in their life is socially conditioned to put his needs as her number 1 too. His mother undoubtably put his needs first too.
so when a baby comes along poor little daddy, used to being the star in his own firmament, suddenly isn't number 1. There's a new leading player. And nobody is thinking about him at the moment. They're all concerned with his partner, this new baby, and he's been downgraded. He's no longer number 1 priority for his wife. And heaven forbid if the cheeky woman is daring to put herself as number 2 priority and expecting him to stop going to gym/gaming/whatever he likes to do to assist in looking after the baby

some men can't step up like grown ups and realise their place in the priority has permanently shifted.

Redruby2020 · 04/02/2025 12:27

Stephanieava · 04/02/2025 01:14

God i feel really terrible at how i’ve made him come across, though i do appreciate the support

the financial side of things, i was using the credit cards for living expenses, things for my eldest & new things for the baby. I am self employed & wasn’t bringing in my usual amount as i wasn’t able to work as much due to HG & severe PGP in pregnancy. He didn’t really ask about the money & i didn’t really tell. He does pay most of the bills but i have my own account for spending & some other bills like dentist, nursery etc

he also isn’t pressuring me into intercourse, he was meaning that i’m not pleasuring him by hand or mouth! He is very involved with the baby, though i do the nights as i am breastfeeding. He does change the nappy, give expressed bottles when he can, looks after baby & allows me time to myself, takes care of our eldest whilst im feeding

my point in all of it was that i think he’s being unreasonable to hold me to a standard when i was 1wpp, mentally unwell (my mh still isnt great tbh as the birth was very traumatic & i’m not healed properly from the section) & performing ‘acts’ because i thought that’s what i had to do at the time to keep the peace- he wasnt forcing me to do this. But now he’s bringing it up asking why it’s stopped

god i dont know. Postpartum is wild, i literally feel like a shell of myself at the minute

So it's still about you not pleasuring him my hand or mouth, as you have put it yourself.
Also what state you must have been in to think there was no other way of resolving things other than offering blowjobs.
And him accepting but then he would from what he sounds like.
And him now wondering why it's stopped.

You've said in another response he is a fantastic husband, I think I can say on behalf of pretty much most of us who have been abused we've said similar things.

You need to take care of you now for your baby's sake too. This is a difficult time and especially when you need to heal more and mentally not feeling yourself.

Waitingfordoggo · 04/02/2025 12:44

OP, this is terrible. He is not a good man.

DH and I didn't have sex for a long time when I had the babies (pregnancy, bfing and beyond) because I didn't want to. He didn't even mention it because he isn't an arsehole and could see that I had physically given my body to the purpose of creating and birthing his babies. I'm sure he felt sexually frustrated during that time but I'm glad he didn't mention it to me- it wasn't my priority or my problem.

Joker01 · 04/02/2025 13:37

he also isn’t pressuring me into intercourse, he was meaning that i’m not pleasuring him by hand or mouth

Love, this is the same thing. Any sort of pressure for sexual contact is unacceptable. You haven’t made him sound worse, you’ve told us the situation and we are telling you that his treatment of you is not okay. If he had been unhappy with your sex life you could have had a calm conversation about it and tried to work through things together. His attitude towards your sex life and finances is unacceptable. Please hear what people are saying.

Joker01 · 04/02/2025 13:38

Waitingfordoggo · 04/02/2025 12:44

OP, this is terrible. He is not a good man.

DH and I didn't have sex for a long time when I had the babies (pregnancy, bfing and beyond) because I didn't want to. He didn't even mention it because he isn't an arsehole and could see that I had physically given my body to the purpose of creating and birthing his babies. I'm sure he felt sexually frustrated during that time but I'm glad he didn't mention it to me- it wasn't my priority or my problem.

Same here, it took so long for me to be ready due to issues after last DC. Breastfeeding also lowers libido and can cause vaginal issues. Just because medically you might be signed off to have sex at some weeks doesn’t mean you are ready to have any sexual intercourse at six weeks and decent men understand that and do not pressure or push.

OP please listen to what we are saying. You should NEVER have to perform sexual acts to ‘keep the peace’. No real man would demand that, especially not at 1 week postpartum. He’s not a good person.

Don’t forget this is the man who is raising your children. You want your daughter/s to grow up thinking this is acceptable? It’s not and it never will be.

Hammy19 · 04/02/2025 13:50

he also isn’t pressuring me into intercourse, he was meaning that i’m not pleasuring him by hand or mouth!

He's pressuring you into performing sex acts on him, against your will. He is sexually abusive

DuchessDandelion · 04/02/2025 15:17

he also isn’t pressuring me into intercourse, he was meaning that i’m not pleasuring him by hand or mouth

That isn't any better.
It's not your duty to pleasure him by hand or mouth.

Just because he's fulfilling his role as a father doesn't mean he gets to guilt trip you into any form of sex. You don't owe him.

Cattery · 04/02/2025 15:48

Keeping the peace is a trauma response. I’d be repulsed by this man’s attitude.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 04/02/2025 17:06

Joker01 · 04/02/2025 13:37

he also isn’t pressuring me into intercourse, he was meaning that i’m not pleasuring him by hand or mouth

Love, this is the same thing. Any sort of pressure for sexual contact is unacceptable. You haven’t made him sound worse, you’ve told us the situation and we are telling you that his treatment of you is not okay. If he had been unhappy with your sex life you could have had a calm conversation about it and tried to work through things together. His attitude towards your sex life and finances is unacceptable. Please hear what people are saying.

As Above.

Dear OP, being pressured like this... and told that you are in the wrong and feel like you need to give in "to keep the peace" is very concerning as so many pps on here have said. You are in a vulnerable position with a toddler and a new baby, and could be risking your mental health.

Please, please talk to either your midwife, your health visitor or your GP in RL and ask for help/advice.

Titasaducksarse · 04/02/2025 17:08

Honestly....do people behave like this or expect sex like this?

ThisFluentBiscuit · 04/02/2025 18:40

PhyllisWallet · 03/02/2025 15:52

Twat, creep, cunt, selfish, repulsive, deranged, pig, vile, coercive, revolting, rapist, grim, twit, nasty, uncaring, abusive, controlling, disgusting, arsehole, dick, horrible.

Really excelling yourselves today ladies 😳

ETA Nob (sp).

Edited

It's not just this thread. The language on Mumsnet is really shocking, and I'm not easily shocked. It's so frequent that it comes across as pretty violent and aggressive, and is one of the reasons I post less.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 04/02/2025 18:59

ThisFluentBiscuit · 04/02/2025 18:40

It's not just this thread. The language on Mumsnet is really shocking, and I'm not easily shocked. It's so frequent that it comes across as pretty violent and aggressive, and is one of the reasons I post less.

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It's been sweary since forever. A safe place for grown ups who may have been holding it in all day in front of kids to be as potty mouthed as they like!

SouthLondonMum22 · 04/02/2025 19:00

ThisFluentBiscuit · 04/02/2025 18:40

It's not just this thread. The language on Mumsnet is really shocking, and I'm not easily shocked. It's so frequent that it comes across as pretty violent and aggressive, and is one of the reasons I post less.

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It's shocking? Really?

It's definitely appropriate for some threads. Surely a man demanding blow jobs from his wife who has just had a baby is far more shocking that someone rightly calling him an arsehole or a dick?

Joker01 · 04/02/2025 19:32

PregnancyHormonesss · 04/02/2025 09:15

Omg this is just ridiculous. Our replies are based on what we know from OP and not even once she has mentioned she hasn’t physically healed from giving birth and USUALLY 8 weeks is more than enough for that so why can i not assume she is fine but its ok for you to assume she needs more time to heal 😳😳😳
obviously if smth is going on and her body needs more time then its a simple answer but its quite an important thing to mention which she hasnt.
people here just added so much to her story for no reason, calling her husband names, advising to leave, divorce straight away, accusing him ot the worst abuse ever because he wants to have sex after over a year (including 2 months pp)
ridiculous🤷🏻‍♀️
no need to jump on me because i disagree

Edited

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he also isn’t pressuring me into intercourse, he was meaning that i’m not pleasuring him by hand or mouth

Even after reading this, you STILL think his behaviour is okay? Baring in mind her was pressuring her to do this ONE WEEK POSTPARTUM and she went along with it to “keep the peace”. This doesn’t fit your ‘poor man wanting intimacy with his wife’ rhetoric at all.I think she should leave for sure after reading that update. Imagine having to give someone blow job just to keep the peace when you’re mentally struggling and exhausted. There’s a word for that.

A man pressuring his wife for a hand/blow job just wants to orgasm. He doesn’t care about his wife, his relationship or intimacy. He’s went 9 months without because his wife had a miscarriage and medical issues, then one week after she has given birth to his child he’s demanding a wank.

It’s indefensible. He’s not a good person. And if you’re still defending him you need to give yourself a shake.