Husbands says his needs are not being met - I’m 8wpp!

[Stephanieava]

I’ll try to keep this short

I’m currently 8wpp. I had a terrible pregnancy, sickness the entire way & just all round awful. Me & my DH had zero sexual intimacy during that 9 months, plus a couple of months before (beside the obvious) when I was also pregnant but it unfortunately resulted in a loss. Got pregnant again within a month

Anyway, today my DH has sat me down for a conversation telling me his needs aren’t being met & i’m not making his feelings a priority

We had an incident at 1wpp (section) where I had been keeping a secret from him (financial) & he was very cross when I came clean. I said i’d do anything to keep him from leaving & made a joke about BJs everyday etc (god that’s so juvenile). Baring in mind I was 1wpp, & not in the best head space anyway. We had about 2 weeks where I really made an effort… and this sounds awful… it wasn’t because I wanted to, i felt i had to to keep him here. Not that he was pressuring me into it or anything, but i was trying anything to get our relationship back to normal. Which it now feels like it is

My headspace just isn’t in the place of giving sexual favours. I’m still in pain, my boobs are hurting from BF, i’m exhausted, my MH isn’t great etc etc etc

His point is that I was doing ‘bits’ for those 2 weeks, so why was it alright then but not alright now

I said i suppose i see his point, but i don’t want to feel cooerced into doing something sexual when I don’t feel like it. It’s not the first time he’s said this to me though, he also said it when i was pregnant

I suppose neither of us are being unreasonable in our stances, we’re allowed our feelings. But a part of me feels he should swallow them as I’m still only 8wpp!

How can I explain this to him in a decent way?

And this is what shocks you on this thread!

He didnt demand anything after a week. She offered because she messed up and wanted to keep him quiet and happy so she had a great idea to promise him blow jobs… (surprising this has been completely ignored)

again..adding more to the story than has been said

he had a conversation with her about wanting to be intimate, if he thinks she is not able to have an intercourse yet etc he brings up different methods and clearly dont understand why nothing can be done after so long…and he doesn’t understand why everything is being shut down, its been ages, why does she not want to do anything, frustration is building up after a year…

dont get me wrong - i get you might not want to and no is no but after so so long if you still dont want any intimate contact and you dont even consider your partners needs then something else is going on and it needs addressing - such as low libido etc…

if it would be a woman posting and complaining about a year without sex then regardless of how she would approach her husband, i am sure she would get advices to leave because he doesnt care about her needs and not doing anything to address the problem and no one needs to be in a sexless marriage, and how important is to have that intimate contact…(hundreds of threads here!)

yet we have completely reversed roles and double standards 🙄

everyone is looking at it from own perspective.. as i said. I am not up to it myself due to many reasons mentioned already, but i still enjoy closeness with my partner and dont want him to be sexually neglected so at least try to please him once in a blue moon…i enjoy when he is pleased! There will be time when its more often but i cant completely shut down his needs.

anyway. I am going to untick to watch this thread and go back to my life

The other way around doesn't work in this scenario because men don't get pregnant, don't have difficult pregnancies, don't have miscarriages and don't breastfeed newborns.

It isn't comparable.

Men do become physically unwell, however. I should imagine that any woman who came on here complaining that her husband didn't feel like being intimate a few months after having heart surgery would (quite rightly) get short shrift.

Good point.

Hang on. So for him your relationship hinges on sex? Is it ok that he wants to talk about bringing intimacy back? Sure. Is it ok that he's demanding it like a petulant child? No

I don't really understand why when he was understandably angry you kept a financial secret and begged him to stay with BJs, he was alright with that as penance instead of rebuilding trust?

I think you be honest. You're poorly physically and mentally and want to work towards building intimacy too but the BJs everyday was a desperate attempt to show penance and... tbh it's actually putting you off because the pressure to just pleasure him with all the other stuff is breaking you. So you need a little patience and time

Please leave him. He is so selfish. His needs aren’t being met 8 weeks after you have had a baby???? Are your needs being met? I’m guessing not.

Its made me feel really sick reading this so I can only imagine how you are feeling. I’m so so sorry. Please tell your health visitor or doctor.

Do you have family close by? Please don’t keep it to yourself and tell someone.

Same.

They don't generally have continually disrupted and little sleep, breastfeed or child or are often the primary care for a demanding infant while recovering. Nor are they usually dealing with settling hormones.

Why would you not want to pleasure your partner that you love??! Because you’ve given birth 2 months ago after devoting your body to building his child for 9 months and your fing knackered, hormonal, hurting and wondering why the person that’s supposed to support you through a huge milestone in life is behaving like a selfish, manipulative dick!
Not all but i think most women feel more in the mood when they’re being supported, respected and loved maybe point that out to him, that YOUR needs are not being met! Congratulations on your new baby btw xx

She did it because she felt like she had to to ‘keep him here’. She ‘fucked up’ because she wasn’t being supported financially with their two children whilst she was ill and unable to work properly. This latter part is both of their faults because she didn’t discuss finances with him but neither did she. And the fact she spent it all on credit cards rather than talk to him is a huge red flag in itself.

Honestly you’re minimising. You think this is just all about a bit of sex but it’s not. And he is pressuring her because she wanked him off 1 week after giving birth because she felt like she had to to stop him front leaving (another massive red flag) he thinks she can just carry on despite her saying her mental health is bad. Because yes, despite her not saying there is anything wrong with her physically, mentally she has repeatedly said she isn’t okay.

Jesus. Fucking honestly.

Too many men truly do have an empathy bypass where their dicks are concerned

Men like this one make me literally sick. I couldn't emphasize the literally more. I'm sorry, OP, you really don't deserve to be even thinking about this at 8wpp 🙏

Also @PregnancyHormonesss , it’s irrelevant that you aren’t continuing to have sex with your husband when you don’t feel like it. That’s your choice. OP doesn’t want to and she shouldn’t feel like she has to. Just because you feel like you have to do it doesn’t mean she does. No one should ever feel like they have to. I’d be devastated if my husband had sex with me when he didn’t want to. And as I said earlier in this thread, we went longer than 9 months without sex because I had issues post birth that meant I couldn’t. He was amazing and not once did I feel anything other than loved and supported. Intimacy comes in other forms. Saying things like ‘sex means a lot to me’ is bollocks. It means a lot to me too but pregnancy and birth can do serious things to a woman’s mind and body and physically I was unable to. Thankfully my husband is a great man who loves me and was able to wait and support his wife instead. It’s a want, not a need.

Some attitudes on here are as horrific as OPs husbands.

First post yet again has nailed it. What a self entitled selfish prick. Tell him to go fuck himself literally OP!! Look after yourself and your baby. You can work on the relationship when he starts being a reasonable human being.

@PregnancyHormonesss thank goodness you’re checking out, as your posts are just horrible!

What cave did he come from? Tell him to grow up, you have an 8 week old baby, breastfeeding and he expects intimacy! I’d tell him to grow up or fuck off.

Ewwk run for the hills
Makes me really appreciate my lovely feller.
But they are out there, took me three attempts to find one though,

He's an abusive bastard For your sake and the baby's leave him It's not going to get better Theres lots of help available Speak to your health visitor as a first step or call Woman's Aid

Sweet girl. My queen. This man is a piece of shit. I dont know how much else you can bear to hear but you have carried so much that he should have been taking off your shoulders, and now the creature is bleating about his needs. When were your needs last met? When were you able to live without the financial and emotional strain that bringing a whole ass human into the world entails? When were you treated like the goddess you are? When did this specimen even once make you feel adored and secure, without need for reciprocation.

What is really incredible is that we arent seeking revenge for this bullshit. Im
so over their weak asses

Hmmm you might need to if that’s a concern because it’s categorically turned me for ever though I’m reassured that I will always be safe

Sorry OP, he sounds absolutely awful, disgusting. I'm being kind here, considering what I really think of him.
He doesn't care about you, your feelings, what you're going through, what you've been through - he only cares about himself and his sexual pleasure. It's revolting.

Please leave. Being alone will be a million times better than being with him.

“His end point is why would i not want to be pleasing my partner when it would make him happy.”

You could (and should) turn this point back round on him - why would he not want to be pleasing his partner by not forcing her (by moaning constantly) into doing things she doesn’t want to, and letting her do things at her own pace as she feels ready and willing, because that would make you happy.

He really sounds so disrespectful, immature and selfish. His good qualities as a father don’t make up for this.

You don't owe him any kind of sexual relief, he is not entitled to it. If he wants hand relief he can do it himself. You have an 8wk old baby, life right now is a blur of broken sleep and leaking fluids.

He needs to stop pressuring you, it's coercion. You need to heal, and rest, and in a few weeks, or months, you can start to pick up your sex life.

Jesus. How hard up was he that he actually accepted the sexual favours those first couple of weeks. If I were a man in his position I’d be encouraging my partner to rest and recuperate in that time and ensuring they were truly ready before jumping back into anything sexual. Also, if at any point my partner changed their mind and decided they weren’t feeling it, I would accept that. I’m not saying he can’t have feelings, but my god, you’d think he were the baby. HIS needs aren’t being met? What about yours?? What about your need to recover after literally giving birth?!
Is there any chance of taking him to a doctors appointment or a support group with you, and explaining how you’re feeling to a doctor/group and hopefully having them validate your feelings, so your husband can hear and hopefully start to understand?