Page 13 | Waiting for the right guy equals no baby

Chiliconcarneplease · 2025-02-03T11:35:29+00:00

I'm going full force with this - I hate how many people on here say about waiting for the right guy before having a baby (you had a baby in your situation???) Etc but between 30 to 40% of women are expected to end up childless (involuntarily) because they were searching for the right guy. We have to accept women having babies in less than ideal situations, or we're fucked as a race.

somewhereinsuburbia · 04/02/2025 23:04

@NoctuaAthene I'm not denying it, just saying that looking at the relationship boards on MN and my own experiences of listening to friends/ colleagues, there are a lot of put upon, unhappy women out there. Particularly after motherhood.
Like I said, the idea of someone being caring yet career minded, driven yet selfless, of being the sort of man who waves you off for a night out, holds your hair back when your sick, sits and reads with your children, yet you want to rip each others clothes off and he's amazing in bed. That is rare.
And if he is not those things, and you aren't either, it's also rare that you're also happy with that. We all desire or crave excitement, we also change what we want in a partner.
Sure monogamy was fine when we died at 45 but now?
The idea that one man can fulfil you throughout all the stages of your life. Career building, motherhood, menopause, the demands of teenagers, elderly relatives, then retirement, like I said it may happen but I don't think it happens for the majority.

foghead · 04/02/2025 23:56

Unfortunately, many men don't appreciate or desire family life.
It's going to be hard to deal with that.

somewhereinsuburbia · 05/02/2025 00:10

@foghead 1000% agree, it's basic biology. Men desire women, many will leave their children behind if a new girlfriend or wife asked them too. If anyone disagrees, then why do the majority of women have custody?

SouthLondonMum22 · 05/02/2025 00:56

Screamingabdabz · 04/02/2025 23:03

I had a huge maternal instinct from age 16 but I would’ve remained childless had I not found the right man.

And btw the world is not suffering because of a ‘declining birth rate’ - we need two planets to support the current global population (to western standards as it is) and it’s increasing every day. It’s only the rate of increase that’s slowing down. The planet’s fucked. It’s doesn't need the offspring of any more inadequate useless men.

Me too. I'd rather have no children than go into a loveless relationship to use him to have kids (and then spend a lifetime complaining when he refuses to parent them).

No thank you.

gannett · 05/02/2025 07:43

Crushed23 · 04/02/2025 14:38

Plenty of relationships are one-sided, with or without children. I don't think it's uncommon for one person to love the other person more, or continue loving them after they have fallen out of love.

I don't see this as a disastrous situation to bring a child into. As long as there is mutual respect and the man is decent and would make a good father (so not just financially stable or whatever), then having a baby then co-parenting is not a bad option for the woman whose fertility window is closing and who desperately wants a baby.

Yes, those are called toxic relationships! They're the kind of relationships we encourage our friends to get out of. They're not healthy for either partner to be in, let alone a child.

TemporaryPosition · 05/02/2025 09:04

ChonkyRabbit · 03/02/2025 15:09

Increasing the birth rate with each generation would lead to even more strain. It isn't sustainable.

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Replacement level with controlled migration would be fine.

JHound · 05/02/2025 13:47

somewhereinsuburbia · 04/02/2025 22:30

I think the real issue is here is that the 'ideal' situation is statistically unlikely.
It is unlikely that a woman (a financially solvent, career driven woman with her own house) will meet an intelligent, driven, kind, caring man who is also financially solvent, a home owner who is willing to go part time or make adaptions to his own career trajectory after children. He also has to be hot so that the mythical 'sparks remains there. Oh and they both have to meet early enough to not have issues with fertility, but not too early to not have enjoyed enough years of solo travelling, nights out, festivals, time to grow a career and one night stands.
Ideally you'd meet each other between the ages of 29 and 35 and have a baby at 36 at the latest in order to be able to have a sibling for child one and not a mentally small age gap.
Do you see what I'm saying? Unless this is a Richard Curtis film, life is rarely like that.
I can put nearly all my friends into two camps. They either had a baby with the rock and roll man child and lamented the decision when he doesn't immediately grow up post partum. Or they choose Mr Safe, who they eventually go off and he begins to give her the ick when he starts playing squash after work. Plus Mr Safe may also cheat on you, or expect you to give up work, or begrudge looking after his own children so you can have a night out.
Life is short. Is choosing to procreate with the man you fancy a bad choice really? Rather than a life of mundane, sexless marriage to someone you chose based on his credit score and because he didn't seem like the type to run off with an escort?

Depends on if the man you fancy is a terrible option and then you produce the kind of fatherless kids we see running wild all over the place.

Most of the married women I know are with men they love who are decent partners. Not the extreme scenarios you present.

JHound · 05/02/2025 13:48

somewhereinsuburbia · 05/02/2025 00:10

@foghead 1000% agree, it's basic biology. Men desire women, many will leave their children behind if a new girlfriend or wife asked them too. If anyone disagrees, then why do the majority of women have custody?

The majority of women have custody because women tend to be the primary carers and seperating spouses tend to keep the status quo.

Not having custody does not mean you don’t love your child.

gannett · 05/02/2025 14:19

somewhereinsuburbia · 04/02/2025 22:30

I think the real issue is here is that the 'ideal' situation is statistically unlikely.
It is unlikely that a woman (a financially solvent, career driven woman with her own house) will meet an intelligent, driven, kind, caring man who is also financially solvent, a home owner who is willing to go part time or make adaptions to his own career trajectory after children. He also has to be hot so that the mythical 'sparks remains there. Oh and they both have to meet early enough to not have issues with fertility, but not too early to not have enjoyed enough years of solo travelling, nights out, festivals, time to grow a career and one night stands.
Ideally you'd meet each other between the ages of 29 and 35 and have a baby at 36 at the latest in order to be able to have a sibling for child one and not a mentally small age gap.
Do you see what I'm saying? Unless this is a Richard Curtis film, life is rarely like that.
I can put nearly all my friends into two camps. They either had a baby with the rock and roll man child and lamented the decision when he doesn't immediately grow up post partum. Or they choose Mr Safe, who they eventually go off and he begins to give her the ick when he starts playing squash after work. Plus Mr Safe may also cheat on you, or expect you to give up work, or begrudge looking after his own children so you can have a night out.
Life is short. Is choosing to procreate with the man you fancy a bad choice really? Rather than a life of mundane, sexless marriage to someone you chose based on his credit score and because he didn't seem like the type to run off with an escort?

I think your scenario is more like the received wisdom cliche. It doesn't bear much resemblance to people I know. Perhaps it doesn't help if you only think men fall into one of two stereotypes though.

Most mothers I know had their kids with partners they fancied AND who also wanted kids AND who are the type of men who, from what I can see and have been told, share parenting equally.

But then I don't know anyone who'd get the ick because their partner plays a sport??? The opposite surely?

ChonkyRabbit · 05/02/2025 16:06

But then I don't know anyone who'd get the ick because their partner plays a sport??? The opposite surely?

Depends on the sport and how obsessive he became about it. I'd get the right ick if my partner took up cycling and became a MAMIL. I also wouldn't be with the kind of football obsessive you read about here who'd miss his child's birthday to see a match.

MeowCatPleaseMeowBack · 06/02/2025 13:59

Ace56 · 04/02/2025 17:10

I stand by my answer to this question, and the fact it’s uneducated. We can’t keep having a declining population as we won’t be able to support the elderly. So the posters spouting ‘what’s the issue if our population declines, it’s better for the planet, population is actually increasing worldwide anyway, we already have too many people’ etc are ignorant.

I’m still not sure what you think the answer is if you don’t support either population increase or replacement?

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But you are clearly the uneducated one who doesn't understand a thing. I don't know why you would dig your heels in here.

Miaowzabella · 09/02/2025 21:00

C152 · 03/02/2025 15:07

I put YABU because having a baby with the wrong guy ruins both your life and that of your child. Your individual distaste of the concept of sperm donors aside, that is the most sensible option for women who desperately want a baby and haven't found the right man.

Well no, the most sensible option would be to accept they are not going to have a baby and focus on something else.

Iceandfire92 · 10/02/2025 07:11

Ace56 · 04/02/2025 17:10

I stand by my answer to this question, and the fact it’s uneducated. We can’t keep having a declining population as we won’t be able to support the elderly. So the posters spouting ‘what’s the issue if our population declines, it’s better for the planet, population is actually increasing worldwide anyway, we already have too many people’ etc are ignorant.

I’m still not sure what you think the answer is if you don’t support either population increase or replacement?

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