Waiting for the right guy equals no baby

[Chiliconcarneplease]

I'm going full force with this - I hate how many people on here say about waiting for the right guy before having a baby (you had a baby in your situation???) Etc but between 30 to 40% of women are expected to end up childless (involuntarily) because they were searching for the right guy.

We have to accept women having babies in less than ideal situations, or we're fucked as a race.

I suggest you read more into AI. Lots of jobs will be taken over by it or hours massively reduced.
I disagree that red tape is typically workers rights or environmental protection. There's so much red tape in government and large org that has nothing to do with these things.
I could take hours telling you the changes I'd make in government but quite frankly I'd be bored and so would you.
Yes the latter takes thought but if you always do the same things you get the same results.

Species means Human. Hence my query.

Haven't RTFT.

I'm in my mid-30s and if I decide to go down the baby route, I would consider lowering my standards slightly just to get pregnant and not worry that I wasn't having a baby with my 'soulmate'. They just need to be healthy and a decent human being. I would worry about the rest (I.e. him not being 'the one') further down the line.

I wouldn't have a baby with just anyone, though.

I didn't and wouldn't settle. I'd rather not have had children at all than give them a useless, shitty father.

@SouthLondonMum22

What if he wasn't a useless, shitty person but not someone you're in love with? There are varying degrees of 'settling'.

and stay in a loveless marriage for years where I'd potentially be unhappy? Or quickly become a single parent after I got what I wanted?

No thanks.

Not necessarily- I have two beautiful daughters. Their dad isn't perfect but I can look after them and we are very happy

** and stay in a loveless marriage for years where I'd potentially be unhappy? Or quickly become a single parent after I got what I wanted?

No thanks.**

Fair enough @SouthLondonMum22

I think in an ideal world I'd 100% agree with you, but as a single woman in my mid-30s, I am softening on the idea of getting pregnant with a decent guy who would make a great father but who isn't 'the one'. I don't find the idea of co-parenting all that bad. I could be being incredibly naive, however.

It's all hypothetical anyway, there's no one on the horizon, either in the soulmate or decent-but-not-the-one category!

Would the decent guy know he's not the one and you're settling, though?

I imagine mutual settling in order to co-parent together, amicably, might work, because both parties are on the same page. But that's hypothetical and I don't know any IRL examples.

Relationships where one party is in love and thinks they're loved in return, but the other party isn't in love and is just using them... that's an entire dishonest mess that will 100% backfire.

Depends if this decent guy would have any say in this or if the pregnancy would be an ''accident''.

Each to their own but I prefer to remain single and childless!

So there is no need for this panicky post then.

Women who desperately want children will settle for a mediocre partnership.

Women who refuse to enter into a mediocre partnership will either go it alone or forego motherhood.

Which is no different to now.

They do give themselves away with their terminology don’t they.

I don’t think OP was talking about “meh” partnerships though. I would have thought that was normal.

I would be devastated to discover my husband was only with me because he wanted a kid and I was the only one who would have him.

If it was me he would know unless he had the emotional intelligence of a plank. I find it impossible to show any interest in men I don’t like and he would definitely notice how little interest I had in him, his life or his family.

He would also notice that we stopped having sex one the children arrived.

Although I cannot imagine feigning interest enough to even get to that point.

I think it is about 50% biological drive and 50% social conditioning. And when I say you can have a good life without children,it’s nor a platitude, I’m talking from personal experience. I wanted children, couldn’t have them, and I do have a good life.

Then you’re an idiot.

I think more women should go the sperm donor route!

There's a loud group of people that love to shame single mums, just need to avoid them 🥰

@mumofoneAlonebutokay lots of ethical implications, unable to track genetics , let alone the mental health of the person born by sperm donor and having problems with identity.

People think just about the baby stage...not that you're responsible for a human being!

It concerns me that as a society we are starting to treat babies as commodities. There are donor conceived children speaking out about it online and they are not happy.

It should never been anonymous and no man should be a father of a crazy number of children. A man should also agree to meet with the child in the future if they so wish.

I agree I think people think about the baby, that don’t give enough consideration to that baby’s rights.

We seem to be increasingly recognising the rights/trauma of adopted children, but this doesn’t seem to have been extended to donor conceived children.

Instead there are campaigns to include non-biological parents on birth certs. I’m ok with it this so long as the birth cert reflects who the child’s biological parents are/arent.

There are donor conceived children speaking out about it online and they are not happy.

I hate how flippantly MNers post "go it alone with a sperm donor" with zero thought to the resulting child. Humans have a fundamental need to know where they came from, and saying "well they can try to find him when they're 18" doesn't cut it.

You can resort to name-calling, or your own anecdotal 'evidence' ... Or you could look at what the evolutionary psychology literature actually says, for example:

https://www.cambridge.org/core/journals/behavioral-and-brain-sciences/article/sex-differences-in-human-mate-preferences-evolutionary-hypotheses-tested-in-37-cultures/0E112ACEB2E7BC877805E3AC11ABC889

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S1090513898000087

https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s40806-016-0068-2

I look forward to reading any of the peer-reviewed academic literature you'd care to cite.

I very briefly discussed (and hypothetically*) discussed having a baby with a gay friend, and living as platonic co-parents. I wanted assurance that we (me and hypothetical baby) would be the priority for him, to the extent where if I got a job away he would move with us, and we could discuss at least some legal protection for me, including a legal civil partnership (obviously free to pursue romantic opportunities, with the caveat that “the family” always came first). He was horrified, it became obvious very quickly that I would the primary caregiver and he thought he would be able to drop in and out as suited him.

This doesn’t really add anything to the discussion, but for me it was a bit of a watershed moment- I would be having a baby with a father who was already one foot out of the door, already understood that babies were one thing, but a lifelong commitment to a child / YA was a step too far.
*and very drunkenly

I don't think there are any ethical implications tbh

It's not like surrogacy which is taxing on a woman's physical body and mind

I'd also support solo female adoption - not sure if that happens tbh, unsure of the process, but think it would be a great thing.

Edit

A kid being chosen and loved and wanted is a great scenario. Not everyone needs the nuclear family set up to raise happy, healthy kids

But it’s not just the mother who is important or relevant in a donor scenario, is it? What happens if the child starts to wonder about their genetic heritage?

I’m not particularly pro or anti, but it’s not true to say there are absolutely no ethical considerations