Elderly mum getting married and won’t invite us

[Candlemascandy]

My mum and her partner are 81. They have realised that after living together in a house they bought together 30 years ago that they need to get married to make financial things easier when the inevitable happens. They realised this about a year ago and set out to get it sorted asap. They started off with the idea of a small family wedding at a registry office with me, my sister, her partner’s daughter and our spouses and children etc. However, they have made it clear that they do not want to spend any money on this event, basically because they are tight and think paying for anyone else to have a ‘nice time’ is not their responsibility.
So as the planning has gone on and a year has gone by, the wedding idea has been reduced to just partner’s daughter and husband as witnesses so they can do it for under £100. Me and my sister and our spouses and kids are not invited. They are going for a meal afterwards. Also not invited to that as they have picked a pub where under 14s aren’t allowed.
Wedding was planned for early January but then my mum got pneumonia. We dropped everything and rushed up to see her in hospital etc etc. They live about 200 miles away. Partner’s daughter lives in next village. She was unavailable to help out with care because her husband was ‘poorly’. So all the stress fell on me and my sister and husbands. Trying to work full time, manage the distance and 3 kids each. Not much fun.
Mum is now better. Wedding has now been rescheduled for April. We are not invited, they are still sticking to original plan.
I’m really hurt by this. I feel like at a fundamental level my mum is telling us that we are not important to her.
Others I speak to keep saying ‘oh look on the bright side. You won’t need to pay for petrol, outfits, hotels, wedding gifts etc etc’ but I don’t see it like that. It’s a big life event and it’s one to celebrate. Not to be morbid, but it’s unlikely that we will be having another big family event like this with them both there. I feel like when the Saturday of the wedding comes, and we are not there people will say ‘Why aren’t you going to your Mum’s wedding?’ And the horrible answer is ‘we weren’t invited because we cost too much’.
AIBU to think that it’s normal to invite your daughters to your wedding when you can afford it and there is no other reason not to (like a big falling out)?

Maybe your mum finds you, your sister and all her grandchildren a bit difficult and overwhelming, and just wants to have a nice relaxed day. Perhaps the "no under 14s" place was on purpose, so you at least couldn't bring all the kids. Maybe she didn't enjoy her 12 people birthday as much as you thought and is tired of pretending she enjoys the fuss.

I haven’t read the full thread but my DH’s father told him after the fact that he got engaged and was getting married in the next couple of weeks. To a woman we had no idea existed. He lived abroad and was in his 70’s.

We were not invited. I don’t think FIL even considered that DH might like to attend. So bizarre! We have met her now and she is lovely. FIL is a bit of a weird one and generally not good at social and family stuff.

I’ve suggested the soon to be step sister is her fathers witness and the Op is her mothers but the Op has said there is her sister to consider also. So it seems that even deciding which of the sisters would be their mums witness is also problematic.

I still feel very much for the Op and I believe she loves her mum very much but based on my own life experience I’m struggling to understand why deciding which sister would be the witness is important. I thought it would a case of it not mattering as long as one of them or both of them were there.

If choosing one witness out of OP and her sister was going to be problematic, then I suspect that's another reason why OP's mother decided not to invite them.

I agree with you, that i can't see what the issue with one of them being the "official " witness would be if they are both there. Interested to know how OP would organise this wedding if she was the one in charge. I actually can't think of a solution that would please everyone.

If both OP and her sister come with their husbands and children, as she wants, that makes 10(?) people from her mum's family and only 2 from the partner's family which is very unbalanced in favour of mum's side.

It can't just be adults as OP won't leave her children with anyone else.

It can't just be the 3 children of the couple to be married as it means one person won't be a witness.

What exactly is the answer?

Maybe this is the case, but do you not think that that’s an even worse case scenario to consider than being uninvited to a wedding? That my own mother finds the company of her daughters and grandchildren intolerable and that we should accept that and not be hurt? The grandchildren aren’t toddlers. They range from 10-20 years old.

@BatchCookBabe
Not holding back with your nastiness? How you can post like that because you disagree with someone. And to suggest I have word with myself....

The point about the OP's age wasn't 'barbed'. I'm much older than she is.
It also wasn't about there being an age limit to being hurt.
You've missed the point.

The point was that an adult in midlife should be able to talk to their mum about this, rather than waste energy arguing online with strangers - who are just annoying her more!

The only way this can be resolved is to accept it and move on - or to talk to the mum and say how she feels.

She appears unwilling to do that.

I’m not looking for answers. It’s not a ‘wolf/goat/cabbage across the river’ problem. The question was about Aibu to feel hurt, since people in real life are saying ‘oh look at the positives’ of not being invited to be part of my mum’s wedding ceremony or day.

People get very lost on these long threads and go off topic.

@Candlemascandy Why can't you talk to your Mum on this?

You've spent ages asking strangers what to do and explaining how you feel.

If your relationship with her is ever to move forwards and find some resolution (rather than you feeling hurt, angry and bitter for the rest of her and your lives) you need to talk.

The question was about Aibu to feel hurt

You aren't unreasonable to feel hurt.

However, you are being unreasonable not to talk to her about it and how it's made you feel.

You're not giving her the chance to understand what she's done and how she could change that.

That's unfair on her and also on you.

If you don't talk to her you'll carry resentment until she dies.

No matter how hard it might feel to broach this with her now, my feeling is that's better than simmering resentment for the next 10 years or however long.

You’re still missing the point, OP. She doesn’t want getting married to be anything other than the most stripped-down possible legal thing. Every one of your posts makes it plain that you’re determined to make it much more of a big deal than she wants, because of a fairly volatile combination of self-righteousness (‘A mother should invite her child to her wedding!’), jealousy of your mother’s partner’s daughter (‘She didn’t help when my mother fell ill!’) and projecting your own feelings onto your children (‘They will be devastated at not being invited to their grandmother’s wedding!’). And that’s leaving aside the fact that you and your sister, your husbands and children numerically make it a far bigger wedding than your mother wants.

Why is it so difficult to accept that her wishes take precedence? Is it because you have such strong opinions about how she should feel?

I haven’t asked strangers what to do to fix it. I asked whether it was valid to feel hurt. Whether this was a typical experience. Whether I was overreacting or whether others would feel the same in a similar hypothetical scenario.

I can’t demand that my mother does anything differently to what she’s already planned. Any conversation with her about it is likely to elicit a brush off or become about cost.

im working through my feelings on this.

I’m not missing the point. I was responding to another person’s post that said ‘perhaps she finds you all too much’ by pointing out that isn’t that just as awful a thing to think about as not being invited to something? Because if that is true of this scenario, it’s true of anything - visits, birthdays, Christmas. And just for a second imagine that your own family find you too much and don’t want to be around you. How would you process that?

And you feel how you feel and it’s fine to work through your feelings, obviously.

But your question in your OP was ‘AIBU to think you invite your daughters to your wedding when you can afford to and there’s no other reason not to (like a big falling out)?’

But there are a number of perfectly valid reasons your mother doesn’t want her children and their families there. It comes down to you thinking your wishes are more important than hers.

She finds you too much for an occasion she is very clear on wanting to keep stripped down, maybe. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t want you around for birthdays or Christmas.

You can feel however you want.

But this is a situation where it seems like there is no solution that wouldn't result in someone being hurt.

I think that's an entirely different case to where you have Option A that meant everyone would be happy but Option B meant you would be upset, and Option B had been selected.

The key thing is what you do now. You can
-talk to your mum to see if there is a possible alternative that would be better
-get over your upset and move on or
-decide that this is a more general pattern and the lightbulb moment that you need to have a different relationship with your mum in the future

Sounds like your mum also doesn't want a fuss. If you offered for you and your sister to join she might be more open dh's could watch the kids.

It is not about finding anyone intolerable but many of my older relatives didn't enjoy group gatherings as they aged, it was too overwhelming.

Also if there are 14 in attendance, dressed up and taking photos it is getting quite different from the paperwork wedding they want.

My main feeling here is surprise at the fact that there are 2 people in their 80s who want to sort out the red tape before the inevitable happens... and yet they have managed to faff about for at least a year planning a tiny "just sign the papers" wedding. During which time one of them has already been hospitalised for pneumonia!

Holy shit, never mind who's there or not, they need to just get it done already!

@Frangela Today 08:25

You’re still missing the point, OP. She doesn’t want getting married to be anything other than the most stripped-down possible legal thing. Every one of your posts makes it plain that you’re determined to make it much more of a big deal than she wants, because of a fairly volatile combination of self-righteousness (‘A mother should invite her child to her wedding!’), jealousy of your mother’s partner’s daughter (‘She didn’t help when my mother fell ill!’) and projecting your own feelings onto your children (‘They will be devastated at not being invited to their grandmother’s wedding!’).

And that’s leaving aside the fact that you and your sister, your husbands and children numerically make it a far bigger wedding than your mother wants. Why is it so difficult to accept that her wishes take precedence? Is it because you have such strong opinions about how she should feel?

What a way to spectacularly miss the point. 🙄

The OP is hurt and upset because her mother and mother's partner are getting married, and not inviting her, but ARE inviting the partner's DD (and her partner.) They only want 2 people there (as witnesses,) and have chosen HIS adult child and partner. And they are going for a celebratory meal after too. How cosy. Mum and new stepdad, and new stepsister and partner, all together - celebrating the nuptials, after the cute little wedding. A wedding that the OP and her partner are 100% excluded from.

If you can't see why the OP is upset by that, then it's utterly pointless arguing with you. Same for everyone else who thinks the OP is being a 'drama queen.' Do NOT tell me that you wouldn't be upset and hurt if you were not invited to your mother's wedding, but the adult child of her husband-to-be was invited. Because I won't believe you. Any of you. OP HAS NOT EVEN BEEN ASKED.

Fact is, the OP's mother (and her partner) should have invited a couple of randoms, like neighbours or friends. NOT invite one daughter, and leave the other out! Nasty. As I (and many other posters here) have said, when the time comes when the mum and her new husband need help and assistance and care (which will very likely not be very far away,) they know where they can go. To their favourites... The mum's husband's daughter and her partner. If I was the OP I would give the mum a wide berth and tell her I am 'busy' every time she asks for help.

Dear mum ,
I really want to be at your wedding, the opportunity for group photos and get togethers are rare and considering your recent health scare I am keen to get us altogether on this special occasion to celebrate your relationship, this would mean a lot to me but I understand if you want a no fuss day , I am happy to pay for our inclusion if that is a factor, let me know what you think

I can’t demand that my mother does anything differently to what she’s already planned. Any conversation with her about it is likely to elicit a brush off or become about cost.

I'm saying this kindly, @Candlemascandy but maybe think on it?

What comes over is that you're in a stalemate situation. You accuse your mum of not 'bending' (being able to change her mind) but your own behaviour mirrors that too.

You come across as not willing to express your feelings to her (for fear of rejection?)

You use emotive words like 'demand'.
A conversation isn't a 'demand'. It' s an opportunity to express your feelings, without anger. Being assertive is saying how you feel - it isn't the same as being aggressive or 'demanding'.

You're also doing what psychologists call 'catastrophising'- which is jumping to the worst scenario when there is no proof it will happen.

You don't know she will brush you off.
You don't know she won't change her mind.

I suspect you're using those thoughts as a defence mechanism to a) protect yourself in case she won't change her mind and b) as an excuse not to talk to her- which you clearly find hard.

If you won't raise it with her, then you are stuck.
But I'd not want to spend the rest of my life feeling resentment. No matter how hard the conversation might appear, I'd rather do that. Otherwise, it will change your relationship forever, and at 81 she's not got that much time left.

You own behaviour is as stubborn as you 'assume' hers will be.

You've made up your mind that you won't discuss it to give her a chance to see how you feel.

You've also ruled out options like your H looking after your children if you went on your own.

I do understand your feelings but maybe also recognise your own issues that are stopping you talking about this with her?

You're also doing what psychologists call 'catastrophising'- which is jumping to the worst scenario when there is no proof it will happen

So very much this!

On the face of it I think anyone would be hurt not to be invited to their mum’s wedding after initially being involved in planning it.

However, as the scope of wedding has completely changed to a “signed and done” event, it’s a very different situation. The OP isn’t accepting that, keeps insisting it’s about not valuing her or her family and seeing favouritism in the partner’s daughter being asked.

To most of us it’s obvious the local daughter attending as witness is a pragmatic choice to keep the whole thing as low profile as possible. OP wants to nurture her grievance rather than accept her version of the wedding isn’t what’s wanted anymore.

It feels self-sabotaging. A small tweak in perspective would mean this isn’t a slight or disparagement to OP, her family and her sister, but the OP clings dogmatically to her hurt feelings. It harms no one but herself, and it is a damned shame.

Lot of ‘shoulds’ here. One assumes they wanted the partner’s child and her husband as witnesses because they’re close by, and perhaps happy to go along with the stripped-down register office ceremony as set out, hence a no-fuss option.

If there were unrelated neighbours or local friends who were available, sure, that would also be an option, but it sounds as if their circle is small if the OP’s mother had such a small birthday party when she turned 80, and logistically, lots of their friends will be dead or too fragile or unwell to travel if they’re likewise in their eighties and at a distance. Having two people from the next village who happen to be related to the OP’s mother’s future DH is presumably far easier, because they’re right there, don’t need to drive several hundred miles, and don’t come with several children apiece.

I'm with you, OP and I'm a little bit stunned that some PP seem so oblivious as to why this could be hurtful.

About 6 years ago my dad re-married. It was a small affair, maybe 15 people in total. 4 children between them; my sister and I and his wife's' two sons.

My sister and Son1 were witnesses. In all the professional photos
Son 2 walked mum down the aisle. In all the professional photos.
I was given a seat in the third row and told I could take some photos on his mobile, so he had them to look at after🙃

I was invited, so in his mind I can't complain. But all these years later it is still hurtful and actually, I'm a pretty bitter about the whole thing. Shockingly, I don't have much to do with my dad and his happy new family!

I think you need to step back, take a deep breath and think things through.

They are 81. Getting married very much for making things easier legally, don’t want any fuss, don’t want to spend much. That is their choice, and you have to respect and try and understand this. Older people can have very different priorities to younger ones, sometimes very big personality changes occur, and around this, their wants, needs and choices might be very different to how you might perceive things. The choice of having only two people with them might be just that, as witnesses who are close by. Maybe beyond this, more people (even family) might be outside of their current comfort zone. It is possibly hard for you to understand this, so you are not being unreasonable to feel hurt, etc…… but it is just what it is. People are free to make their own decisions for reasons known only to themselves, and sometimes family expectations, society expectations are not met. Doesn’t mean it’s wrong.
Living a long way away possibly means you don’t see that much of them in a week to week scenario, and it is commendable that on hearing that your Mum was poorly you were there for her last month. I think you would be better just letting them get on with what they want, and try not to let it distress you too much.