Elderly mum getting married and won’t invite us

[Candlemascandy]

My mum and her partner are 81. They have realised that after living together in a house they bought together 30 years ago that they need to get married to make financial things easier when the inevitable happens. They realised this about a year ago and set out to get it sorted asap. They started off with the idea of a small family wedding at a registry office with me, my sister, her partner’s daughter and our spouses and children etc. However, they have made it clear that they do not want to spend any money on this event, basically because they are tight and think paying for anyone else to have a ‘nice time’ is not their responsibility.
So as the planning has gone on and a year has gone by, the wedding idea has been reduced to just partner’s daughter and husband as witnesses so they can do it for under £100. Me and my sister and our spouses and kids are not invited. They are going for a meal afterwards. Also not invited to that as they have picked a pub where under 14s aren’t allowed.
Wedding was planned for early January but then my mum got pneumonia. We dropped everything and rushed up to see her in hospital etc etc. They live about 200 miles away. Partner’s daughter lives in next village. She was unavailable to help out with care because her husband was ‘poorly’. So all the stress fell on me and my sister and husbands. Trying to work full time, manage the distance and 3 kids each. Not much fun.
Mum is now better. Wedding has now been rescheduled for April. We are not invited, they are still sticking to original plan.
I’m really hurt by this. I feel like at a fundamental level my mum is telling us that we are not important to her.
Others I speak to keep saying ‘oh look on the bright side. You won’t need to pay for petrol, outfits, hotels, wedding gifts etc etc’ but I don’t see it like that. It’s a big life event and it’s one to celebrate. Not to be morbid, but it’s unlikely that we will be having another big family event like this with them both there. I feel like when the Saturday of the wedding comes, and we are not there people will say ‘Why aren’t you going to your Mum’s wedding?’ And the horrible answer is ‘we weren’t invited because we cost too much’.
AIBU to think that it’s normal to invite your daughters to your wedding when you can afford it and there is no other reason not to (like a big falling out)?

To those saying marriage is no big deal, it's just a legal device etc, it does have an impact on alot of things, otherwise divorcing wouldn't be such a ball ache. In this case it's being used for financial protection in later years. It does play into things like who is NOK if nobody else is specified - if you have a legal spouse they tend to be the default, at least in my experience.

In the case of my DF and not so DSM, together 40 years, married for 25, they have separated for various complicated reasons and dealing with various official bodies from HCPs down to council officials has been a blooming nightmare because of various interpretations of and attitudes to their married status. Both in their 80s, now with solicitors in the mixand honestly I could cry. No divorce on the cards yet, but God knows where it's going.

After they separated, it took me months to get through to my Dad that he had to change his will to make sure that she didn't automatically inherit everything (he has no assets, she owns a property). Also to make sure that if anything happened to him that she wouldn't be automatically given a say in his care or his funeral arrangements, because she would have taken great delight in making my life a misery in such circumstances. She's a tiny dot of a woman but she could start a fight in an empty room and if she said the sky was blue I'd need to see it with my own eyes.

At one point last year, when we were still on speaking terms and I was doing hospital visiting every other day because DF was too unwell, she spent an hour gleefully plotting his funeral and informed me that I would probably be a bit upset, so I could go to the funeral and have a couple if friends to support me, but as the wake would be at a "naice" hotel, we should only stay for an hour as they wouldn't want us lowering the tone, and there would be no alcohol. I stopped swigging meths from the bottle in a brown paper bag at that point and gave her a bit of mild side eye. Obviously that's a joke. Yes, she's unwell, but she "has capacity" so she can say and do what she likes apparently.

Sorry for the tangent, what I'm trying to get across is that marriage being just a formality of some sort is an extraordinarily simplistic view for both legal and cultural reasons, and it can shape and influence all sorts of things including emotional ties and practical/legal issues.

OP wants to mark the occasion from affectionate motives, but is being frozen out for reasons which seem clear cut in her mother's eyes, but not to her, given the build up, and it is rather cold. She is allowed to feel how she feels, and I feel for her.

You missed a post. She moved away from her family when she went to uni.

Hm, but she had one with 12 for her 80th and absolutely loved it. Sooooo what’s the difference? The only thing I can see is that she didn’t pay. And neither did her partner.

i hope you can build bridges with your mum @Candlemascandy

Yes, sorry I noticed and edited my post x

I did say in an earlier post. My sister has got a load of other shite to deal with at the moment so she’s focussed on that. And I totally get it.

@MistressoftheDarkSide Christ that sounds grim. I really feel for you, getting all that heaped on you, plus a little side helping of scorn too.

Is it possible your DM is just trying to keep numbers to an absolute minimum? Her DH2B has only one DC and partner coming so that’s the minimum two witnesses requirement met. She can’t ask you and not your sister so with spouses that’s four more people. And it sounds like you’d want your DC involved.

It’s their wedding and at 81 I’m guessing a lot of this is about not wanting the stress of organising anything. If you and your sister offered to organise and pay for everything, just so you could make a (small) family occasion of it, do you think she’d agree?

It's difficult for you OP but you should let this go.

• your mother sounds like she is tight and doesn't want to pay for any wedding at all really. Certainly not interested in the cost of guests. She didn't even want to pay for her own birthday.
• they didn't know they had to get married to protect themselves which by their age and the length of time together makes them sound extremely foolish. Then their first response to your advice to marry was to assume your motivation was money and personal gain. So emotionally unaware as well as financially dim.

They are likely not warm, generous people and it does seem like there is a history of it. Just wish them well and withdraw enough to protect yourself from the harm this thing is causing you.

Thank you @Candlemascandy I'm in a particular kind of hell with it all and have my inner child bound and gagged in a closet. I am quite numb to it all, although her lecture on how I had to put my big girl pants on and not be such a Daddy's girl (laughable as that was exactly her role when her Dad was alive) delivered on the second anniversary of my DPs death was a bitter pill to swallow in the circumstances as I sat by her hospital bed having unpleasant flashbacks.

Families are complex creatures.

So, solidarity and I wish you all the very best.

100% this. ^ Some proper nasty, shitty responses on here, aimed at the OP... A woman who's mother doesn't give a shit about her feelings. As I said @Candlemascandy give your mother a wide berth from now on. Let the 'favourite' who is invited to the wedding do things for your mum and her husband now, let them run themselves ragged for them, and let them be the primary carers when your mum and her new husband need looking after (which won't be that far away to be honest.)

Just enjoy your life, and your lovely immediate family. Fuck your mum, fuck her 'fiancé' and fuck his family too. Leave them all to it.

Some people just aren’t wedding people and would rather as little fuss and expense as possible and it’s really nothing personal. If they’ve been together 30+ years it’s literally just about getting a certificate to protect each other when the inevitable happens. They’d probably fill in a form at the post office instead if that was available. I know that’s what Dh and I would have done if we’d had the choice.

You wouldn't need to pay for 14 people, pay for your own families and split your parents bill. Or all pay your own way.

And however just you think they 'could' afford to treat 14 people they clearly don't want to.
I mean, I 'could' take a few hundred £ in 20s and set light to it. I could afford it but would be a huge waste so wouldn't do it.

This seems to have turned less from you being upset you aren't invited to celebrate and more that you are upset they won't pay for a family do.
If you want a family meal you pay for it, ir at least oay your own way. You don't get to throw a tizzy because they choose not buy you all a meal.
If you are so sure that as its their wedding they 'ought ' to pay for it as that's the done thing- how much are you sending them as a wedding gift?

@LooksThroughaGlass · Today 17:04

I'm wondering how old you are OP?
If your mum is 81 I'd assume you're at least mid 40s or older.
It seems 'old' to be getting yourself so worked up over this.

Oh, is there an age limit on being hurt and upset at being treated like a piece of worthless shit by your mother? I didn't know that. I must have missed that memo!

Give me fucking strength!

Hasn’t she been really ill since then though? Whenever my Mum has a chest infection she’s exhausted for weeks afterwards. Maybe right now she just can’t face the thought of a party.

I can imagine my DM doing this as she wouldn't want me to be put out or have to spend money etc and she would see it as a very practical thing and not anything special that needed me there

That's fair.

I think this is a really nuanced situation, and as as it always the case on t'internet people are only able to comment on what they've read. Remember, none of us know you or your mum and we don't understand the dynamics of your relationship.

My sister and I have the same with our Nan. She is quite difficult, but it's really hard to explain it to other people. You have to have lived it. Even her DH and my DP don't get it and think we're being unreasonable when she annoys us. It's so hard for "outsiders" to understand the dynamic.

No advice, but I'm sorry for the emotional upheaval you're going through

@LooksThroughaGlass · Today 18:45

Sorry OP but as a woman who must be pushing 50, you've wasted a whole day on this. I'm tired of reading about it and you must be exhausted.

So because your nasty barbed comment (from 17.04) about the OP's age, and how she is allegedly 'too old to be bothered about all this' didn't get a response the first time, you thought you'd mention it again. What pathetic, attention-seeking behaviour from you.

And by the way, there is NO AGE LIMIT on feeling upset and hurt. Have a word with yourself FFS!

Oh and if you're 'tired of reading about it' hide the bloody thread! 🙄

Maybe that's thw problem for you to attend then... not that your mum "favours" the stepdaughter....
There are a few options for the children... stay with family, babysitter, friends or with your husband and only you go to dinner...

maybe i've missed this- but have you suggested that, if mum and partner don't want a huge fuss or cost, that they just have yourself, your sister, and partner's daughter at the ceremony and meal afterwards?

The discussion started to focus on whether me paying for myself or my family or everyone would smooth the problem. That’s why it’s become about cost.
But even if we suck up paying for ourselves (and to be clear, I’ve never heard of guests having to pay for themselves at a close relative’s wedding) it doesn’t get over the fact that they are not really inviting us as a family.
Plus it baffles me that people think I should pay to attend my own mother’s marriage and maybe help them out with costs. I couldn’t afford to, even if I wanted to.

We’ve been over this earlier in the day today. Not an option.

The ‘not invited’ plan was in place before she fell ill. And it wouldn’t be a party, just a meal in a restaurant.

I think this is about right ❤️

Actually people do pay to attend but usually it’s the cost of the gift.

Every wedding I’ve attended I’ve at least covered the cost of my plate.