Elderly mum getting married and won’t invite us

[Candlemascandy]

My mum and her partner are 81. They have realised that after living together in a house they bought together 30 years ago that they need to get married to make financial things easier when the inevitable happens. They realised this about a year ago and set out to get it sorted asap. They started off with the idea of a small family wedding at a registry office with me, my sister, her partner’s daughter and our spouses and children etc. However, they have made it clear that they do not want to spend any money on this event, basically because they are tight and think paying for anyone else to have a ‘nice time’ is not their responsibility.
So as the planning has gone on and a year has gone by, the wedding idea has been reduced to just partner’s daughter and husband as witnesses so they can do it for under £100. Me and my sister and our spouses and kids are not invited. They are going for a meal afterwards. Also not invited to that as they have picked a pub where under 14s aren’t allowed.
Wedding was planned for early January but then my mum got pneumonia. We dropped everything and rushed up to see her in hospital etc etc. They live about 200 miles away. Partner’s daughter lives in next village. She was unavailable to help out with care because her husband was ‘poorly’. So all the stress fell on me and my sister and husbands. Trying to work full time, manage the distance and 3 kids each. Not much fun.
Mum is now better. Wedding has now been rescheduled for April. We are not invited, they are still sticking to original plan.
I’m really hurt by this. I feel like at a fundamental level my mum is telling us that we are not important to her.
Others I speak to keep saying ‘oh look on the bright side. You won’t need to pay for petrol, outfits, hotels, wedding gifts etc etc’ but I don’t see it like that. It’s a big life event and it’s one to celebrate. Not to be morbid, but it’s unlikely that we will be having another big family event like this with them both there. I feel like when the Saturday of the wedding comes, and we are not there people will say ‘Why aren’t you going to your Mum’s wedding?’ And the horrible answer is ‘we weren’t invited because we cost too much’.
AIBU to think that it’s normal to invite your daughters to your wedding when you can afford it and there is no other reason not to (like a big falling out)?

@commonsense61 I am not interested in anything you have to say. I'm responding to the OP who can take my comments and consider them, or not.
I'm not 'listening' to your comments on how I should think, reflect or post.
You contribute what you want to the OP but maybe stop telling other posters how to behave.

Well put @BatchCookBabe 👏🏻

Is that what you really think? That your mother, despite how much you love her, just finds your company and that of your entire family “intolerable?”

Is this a recent revelation? Or is this just the final death knell, for you?

If this is truly the case this decision by your mother to forgo the public wedding and exclude you and your family is really like the death of your relationship.

I understand and grieve this horrible experience.

I continue to hope, however, that you can come out of the anger phase—and past our seeming denial or bargaining phase—and start getting to acceptance. Because in that direction lies peace.

I agree.

I actually think it's normal to take someone for a meal after asking them to do you a favour (which is what this is, rather than the big occasion that OP seems hellbent on making it). This is just a meal it isn't a wedding breakfast or anything like that - but op wants to see herself as being left out of a wedding do, and nothing is going to change that narrative.

If you’d been paying attention to all the posts in the thread you would see that I have said that going out for a meal is a big deal for my mum. If she does it once a year, that’s it. The last meal out I had with her was her 80th birthday. Before that? 10 years ago maybe? Some people have lovely parents who like to eat out with them for no good reason at all. My mum is very old fashioned and tight. Meals are for special occasions only.

No, I was trying to make sense of what another poster had asked me to think about. Can’t remember who but they suggested that my mum finds me and my kids intolerable company.

Also if you take your friends and family out for meals every time they do you a favour, I wanna be your mate. No one takes me out for meals. Not even my own mother 🙄

OP.

You’ve made a post on AIBU and have had many responses that you are being unreasonable and you’re still arguing / disagreeing with them. This is the whole point of AIBU.

I don’t blame you for being upset and you obviously know your DM more than us. Maybe it’s time to come off this thread and speak to your mum, tell her everything you’re feeling.

@Crushgrape im responding to what people are saying. When they make points like ‘going out for a meal is an everyday thing’ I’m responding and providing the context. If you see that as ‘arguing’, that’s on you.

Also I get totally fed up with the goady posts, the ones trying to minimise your feelings and make snidey comments like ‘you’re making a big deal for a middle aged woman’. Sometimes I can ignore them but I feel they need a reply. Also, if you look, I left the thread earlier today but people were still popping back up to say what an arse I am. So who is obsessed? Mumsnet can be great for garnering opinions but it’s also terrible for people telling you what to do and then getting annoyed if you don’t immediately agree and tell them they’ve fixed it. If it’s annoying you to read my posts, stop reading them. You are not obliged to.

Your feelings aren’t foolish for your age. You feel what you feel. But your style of engagement with other people on the thread snd your emotional approach to the fact that you are angry with your mother is really childish.

We don’t know your mother but you asked for our opinions if how we would feel if the same thing happened to us. People answered on that basis: some have one set of expectations of “mothers” and others have other expectations on the basis of their experiences.

Your mother sounds…difficult. You don’t seem to have the ability to interact with her without conflict and hurt feelings. None of us can fix that but we have all tried to help you either by validating your feelings or helping you move towards closure by recognizing that your mother is just who she is (tight,difficult,indifferent, undemonstrative) and you can be as sad and angry about it as you want to be but that and 12 white horses and a golden candelabra won’t stop it from snowing in Vladivostok. This is your relationship with your mother and nothing changes that.

Your resentment is palpable here and you are taking it out on the posters. What a waste of time. Do some work on yourself before you give yourself a rage ulcer because your dm didn’t invite you to her wedding. You are the only person suffering here. And its so pointless.

threads always end this way. It’s always the ones who this you are being unreasonable who keep coming back again and again to tell you you are unreasonable.
@pikkumyy77 didn’t need that, didn’t want that, and I hope you feel wonderful about yourself for popping up at the end of a 500 post thread to make your speech about what a childish person I am.
The voting has helped me though. More do agree with me than don’t so that’s good to know I’m not completely mad.
And I have been acknowledging and thanking all the lovely people who have said comforting things and wished me well.

Now turn your attention to telling someone else the ABU.

it is quite a big ask of an 81 year old that they go through a wedding celebration just because you think they should.

Why does the fact you're mums picked a pub under 14s preventing you going to the wedding tea?

I CANNOT believe anyone in their right mind would compare a marriage lunch to just another lunch blended families/step children weren’t invited to.

original poster - let them carry on but be aware your mom is doing this despite knowing how it would upset you. You are totally in the right to be annoyed. Even if she didn’t want you at the ceremony she definitely could have invited you to a lunch! And I am guessing she is totally broke as she is doing this secure the house/finances when one of them passes- if there was no money they wouldn’t be worrying! They need to pay the extra £200 and invite their children - or even do not invite partners just the siblings!!

Of course you want to be at your Mum's wedding! I know it's only for financial/ legal reasons but why not enjoy the day too? Can just you and your sister go, only 2 extra.

This is not true in England and Wales, you can have literally any adult who speaks and understands English, even if they don't know you from Adam.
Couples are asked their witnesses names in advance to remind them they need to bring witnesses. The witnesses can change any time right up to the minute of the ceremony.
The witnesses aren't there to prove you are in love, or have immigration rights or anything. They are just there to say they witnessed two people enter into a verbal contract of marriage.

That’s because it isn’t true

Witnesses must be 18 or over and able to understand the proceedings and be able to speak and understand English. That’s all. They’re there to witness that the ceremony was carried out correctly, nothing else.

OP (kindly), it is about you - how you feel, how you want to record it, how you want to be a part of it or celebrate it.

it’s their choice and accept the partner’s daughter as witnesses is a practical choice due to proximity. If I could have got married through an online form and docusign I would have but registry office is the minimum we can get away with to beat the treasury (HMRC is only the middleman).

If your parents have money, think about setting up a relationship with home help / care assistants so if there is future need you can arrange them to drop in a few times a day. I do think the partners dtr has been in their lives she could have helped out more (especially if just talking to medical staff).

Focus on your own family- no need to drive 300 miles when more practical arrangements can be made.

They’re not a ‘blended family’ though, are they? They’re all adults. The reason the couple are getting married is to sort out inheritance, not to make a declaration of love and commitment in front of friends and family. It’s all quite prosaic.

I guess I’m not in my right mind then. My earlier contribution to this post…..

“Personally I can totally understand their point of view. It’s not the preferred daughter, it’s the one closest to them. You’ve made that point when you mentioned your DMs hospital admission, how long you and your DS had to drive to get there, whilst the other daughter was only so far away.

My long term DP and I have realised we need to marry or enter a civil partnership in order to make things less complicated for the other when one of us croaks. Neither of us are in any way interested in the idea of any sort of celebratory/party type wedding, we just want to do the legal thing and get it over with. You HAVE to have two witnesses, you may as well pick the people it would least inconvenience. A meal after would seem the logical thing to do to thank them for giving up their time to assist you.

You are looking at this all wrong. They don’t view this as a celebration, just a practical necessity. Stop making it all about you.”

Genuinely, for us, the wedding part is utterly boring, merely a necessary legal hurdle to save the hassle at a later date when one of us is left sorting out everything after the other one dies. Why is this so hard for some people (op included) to grasp?

Could you offer to pay for your own hotel & meal after the ceremony if costs are the only thing stopping her from inviting you all? Let her know you'd love to celebrate with her & you're happy to pay any costs incurred if you & your Sister & families attend.

OP has already said she can’t afford to pay for her family to go for lunch.

I voted you are being unreasonable only because it's their day at the end of the day and it's up to them how they have it.

I wouldn't say that you weren't invited as you were too expensive. It's just that they didn't want to pay for anymore than the marriage licence.

I understand why you've taken it so personally.

Because her mother is inviting her step sibling and not her. My point is this as a mother myself - if I knew that my actions were hurting the feelings of my daughter who is good to me - I would change my actions and I would do this as a good mother.