Elderly mum getting married and won’t invite us

[Candlemascandy]

My mum and her partner are 81. They have realised that after living together in a house they bought together 30 years ago that they need to get married to make financial things easier when the inevitable happens. They realised this about a year ago and set out to get it sorted asap. They started off with the idea of a small family wedding at a registry office with me, my sister, her partner’s daughter and our spouses and children etc. However, they have made it clear that they do not want to spend any money on this event, basically because they are tight and think paying for anyone else to have a ‘nice time’ is not their responsibility.
So as the planning has gone on and a year has gone by, the wedding idea has been reduced to just partner’s daughter and husband as witnesses so they can do it for under £100. Me and my sister and our spouses and kids are not invited. They are going for a meal afterwards. Also not invited to that as they have picked a pub where under 14s aren’t allowed.
Wedding was planned for early January but then my mum got pneumonia. We dropped everything and rushed up to see her in hospital etc etc. They live about 200 miles away. Partner’s daughter lives in next village. She was unavailable to help out with care because her husband was ‘poorly’. So all the stress fell on me and my sister and husbands. Trying to work full time, manage the distance and 3 kids each. Not much fun.
Mum is now better. Wedding has now been rescheduled for April. We are not invited, they are still sticking to original plan.
I’m really hurt by this. I feel like at a fundamental level my mum is telling us that we are not important to her.
Others I speak to keep saying ‘oh look on the bright side. You won’t need to pay for petrol, outfits, hotels, wedding gifts etc etc’ but I don’t see it like that. It’s a big life event and it’s one to celebrate. Not to be morbid, but it’s unlikely that we will be having another big family event like this with them both there. I feel like when the Saturday of the wedding comes, and we are not there people will say ‘Why aren’t you going to your Mum’s wedding?’ And the horrible answer is ‘we weren’t invited because we cost too much’.
AIBU to think that it’s normal to invite your daughters to your wedding when you can afford it and there is no other reason not to (like a big falling out)?

IS she doing it to be spiteful? If so, of course YANBU to feel hurt.

If they’ve asked his DD solely because she’s local, then you are, of course, still allowed to feel hurt — your feelings are your feelings, after all — but perhaps it means she’s not deliberately trying to spite you.

FWIW, when DH & I got married, we had 2 (local) family members as witnesses, and went out for a meal with them after. No other family or friends invited as it was very much a practical thing for us. Like your DM, we also wanted to keep costs down. I think it’s okay for it to be a practical thing but still want to do something small to mark the occasion.

Can you ask your DM how you can celebrate with her, separately from the day itself, and see what she suggests?

They should have asked all of their kids (3) or none

Sorry OP but as a woman who must be pushing 50, you've wasted a whole day on this. I'm tired of reading it and you must be exhausted.

I agree with the posters who say you need to talk to your Mum.
As I've posted several times already.

Own you emotions, stop being passive and talk to your Mum.

Don't you see a connection between not being able to communicate with her on this and not being invited to the wedding? Maybe you aren't close anyway.

She sounds sensible and pragmatic. A marriage is a legal contract after all and there have been enough wise posts on here over the years urging people to think logically not romantically about it.

BUT … I do see your point. They should’ve asked two friends or neighbours to witness it rather than asking 1/3 of the children they have between them plus spouse. That decision was poorly thought out.

They probably reckoned that they’d have to buy your stepsister and her DH lunch even though they’d have been happy to grab fish and chips on the way home for themselves.

In summary, I think they’ve been thoughtless. I also suspect that despite prior talk of barns etc, if they could just quietly go to a solicitor and be declared married, they probably would!

That is fine if they just want a piece of paper, but if that is the case, why have they been planning it for over a year?

It does feel a bit deliberate tbh. I can understand not wanting to make a fuss or make a big day of it, but in that case why not go to a registry office and take witnesses off the street? Why is his daughter invited and not hers? It can't purely be money surely?

I could be wrong and I cba to read all the way back through but as far as I recall, they wanted to go to a specific restaurant when others were available. In any case, going for a meal/drinks irrespective of the venue is a celebration no?

I think that's a very astute take. 👏

I'd imagine it's because his daughter and her partner live closer. They need 2 witnesses and they are convenient. Quick wedding and a quiet meal, all done and dusted. And quite probably living closer they have a close/casual relationship where they can drop in and out where as getting all if you to travel makes it much more of an event, presumably you might need accommodation etc. And if you all have family's if they invited one of you or your siblings then they'd need to invite all of you, okus spouses, plus kids.
Where as if they are kind of separate as being his daughter so they can invite her and not feel obliged to have however many people inviting all your mums side would be.

And yes, I do think it is unreasonable to expect 2 80 YO to blow what would be a significant sum on a meal for 10? Plus people . I suspect if you and your sister had organised to take them out and split their costs and pay for your selves as a congratulatory thing you might have found things different.

i agree, talk to your sister and offer to go up and treat your dm, at your own expense,

how does your sister feel?

Sorry @LooksThroughaGlass that you’ve wasted your day reading threads on Mumsnet. I’m tired of reading your responses. You must be exhausted thinking up new ways to keep telling strangers what to do.
If you need a tutorial on how to stop reading, there is a little button in the corner of your screen. Click that and the problem goes away.

the way you talk about dropping everything when your dm was in hospital and the daughter in law not doing anything due to her pooly husband, it Seems off to me.

perhaps you have upset your own dm by your attitude.

Yeah that’s pretty much it. They are fixed on this venue and I think are using the no kids thing to get out of inviting us all. There’s no clear reason why you would choose it otherwise. It’s not near the registry office, it’s not near where they live, it’s not where they often go.

My comments are addressed to OP, not other PPs.

Just as a refresher - they are not poor 80 year olds. They could cover the cost of a meal for 14 people. They are just choosing not to. I don’t think that makes it incumbent on me to pay for one either. I paid half the cost of her 80th birthday meal which I could ill afford and was foisted on me at the last minute. I cannot afford her wedding meal costs as well. Even if I was invited.

Stop the goady posts. Either say something useful or find another thread.

aha @Candlemascandy

Also - she’s not sensible and pragmatic. I told them they needed to do this to protect the surviving partner. They didn’t believe me and said I was trying to avoid paying inheritance tax myself. They couldn’t see that actually it could make things worse for me. They refused to believe it for ages until they spoke to a solicitor who said ‘just get married’

Me and my mum went out for a boozy lunch when I gave her a lift to the dentist last week 🤣

A meal out is not a big special occasion to some people. In my family it's something we do because we enjoy it and cba to cook.

This may be true. But it’s not true of my mum. She very rarely goes out to eat, maybe once a year. If that. So going for a meal is a big deal.

Holdonforsummer

You say your parents ‘did the same’
but then explain that they had none of their children there. So that’s completely different to the OP where one child has been invited and two excluded.

what does your sister say @Candlemascandy

And why is there such distrust of OP? Is there more to the story? (Not that I'm saying there must be, mind you. My money is still on the mum's partner being the driver of the bus).

She doesn’t want a big party with 14 people. That’s all there is to it. And that’s fine. Not everyone likes parties.
It’s not a personal slight on you. Any more than you choosing to move 200 miles away from her was a personal slight on her. Different people want different things.

that is not distrust, far from it, i just think talking to people in real life solves issues

Apologies, deleted because I scrolled back through 4 pages of op posts to find I was wrong and she moved away for uni 🤣