Friend being strange with me now she's researched my financial situation

[theidiotswind]

This situation first arose a couple of months ago and I still don't know how I feel about it. I've name changed in case anyone I know guesses It's me as I can't really tell the story without some outing details.

We're friends as part of a group-'Sally' and I haven't ever been the closest but we've always got along absolutely fine and have had some good times together as part of a group.

I am a landlord-a small scale one. I own 3 properties with a business partner, a home I live in (mortgaged) and another residential property which an ex lives in and owns 50% of-I rent out the spare room in that (that I used to be in) to a friend. Of the latter property, I don't' get rent as such-friend just pays the mortgage for me.

None of the properties are particularly big or in expensive areas, one is a three bed the others are small two beds.

Sally messaged me (not unusual, she messages me sometimes) and said that she'd looked online (assume rightmove or somewhere) and worked out how much each of my houses were worth and so she knows how much I am worth. My first question was 'well why've you done that?!' and she said she was working out how much she was 'worth' and decided to do mine too. She has also (alarmingly, I think) looked at some of my more expensive clothes and added this to my 'worth' too. She said in part to this conversation 'What's (dog's name) cost as well?!'

(FWIW my dog is a mutt and not worth anything in terms of monetary means).

She told me the amount she'd concluded and since then she's been acting strange. We met up for a boozy lunch one weekend and toward the end someone said they were getting another glass of wine and I said 'Hm, not sure if I fancy another one too' to which 'Sally' said 'Get one, you can afford it, moneybags!'

Another time I was out walking my dog and bumped into her and I had scruffy clothes on as it was cold and wet and she said 'You shouldn't be wearing that bobbly jumper with all you money!' or something.

I have another couple of examples-It's odd and making me feel uncomfortable.

I am a single woman, I don't earn a lot of money in my job, I don't buy expensive things, simple lifestyle, no holidays or huge purchases, old car-I definitely do not see myself as ANYTHING like wealthy or rich or such. It isn't as if I can just withdraw a couple of £100 from a house to treat myself. I've been quite unlucky in terms of relationships and jobs, just broke up with someone so I am feeling quite down and lonely- and the fact I've got a couple of houses give me a safe feeling, but I don't see myself as 'moneybags' or successful or anything of the sort. I also find it really weird that she's essentially rummaged about in my situation like that, who could be bothered? It's nosy and intrusive IMO?

I don't know what to think. I havent' told anyone I know about this and I also would like some examples of what I should say to her if she says anything else which I am sure she is going to!

Is she trying to pull some sort of saltburn situation?

It's probably not wise to picture her dancing around one of the living rooms naked to murder on the dance floor though.

Seriously though it's unhinged and abit stalkerish;I'd be given her a very wide berth and avoiding her unless it's in a social situation where you've both been invited.

She’s a bit strange. To give her the benefit of the doubt I’d just say something like”I hope you are going to stop mentioning money to me now, it’s becoming a recurring theme and getting weird!” But I would tell everyone in the group what she has done. No reason to hide it, possibly better that it is commonly known.

I console myself by saying I am only nosy in isolation. I do not ask people their business, and I do not share what I know either. In fact I often wonder where my desire to find things out comes from, I suppose in some cases (all actually) it's to try and confirm or deny things that have been told to me by that person, so as to try and work out if they're genuine or not. I'm not sure how that pans-out when the person in question was someone I worked with 23 years ago, but hey, I'm just checking.

The only time I ever divulge information I have been told is when it is something someone told me about themselves years earlier. I have a great memory for detail, it seems. I love bumping into people decades later and shoe-horning in something they told me when we were both much younger. I like to give them the context of where & when it was that they told me, lest they think I had been told by someone else. I know I shouldn't but I do like seeing them cringe at them wondering what else I remember them saying...it has its downsides - I go through life wondering if everyone who knows me remembers the minute detail of every time I made a complete arse of myself or overshared something.

Do you have mortgages on the properties ? Does she know if you do /don’t have mortgages on them surely you could just say the bank owns most of them.

Bit weird to be honest. The boundaries are a bit too pourous with this one. I would look but I wouldn't tell the person I have looked, bit creepy.

To get to the heart of the matter, I see the seeds of a very damaging codependency here. And it's only a matter of time before the requests (read 'demands') for loans start floating in. I use the word 'loan' very loosely here. Disconnect. Block.

£7 to land registry and she would know. Not that I've done that. Lately.

Why are you even bothering with her. Tell her what she did is odd behaviour and its making you question your friendship. Then tell the group you are backing off a bit and the reason why. She is jealous and wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire.....

This is such an uncomfortable thing to do, I would be so weirded out. My suggestion is next time she says an odd comment, look at her strangely and ask her to repeat it, then let a really uncomfortable awkward silence hang. Make it really uncomfortable for her and look extremely confused and bewildered. She won’t do it again.

Agree that she's just jealous BUT I do think it's incredibly weird and intrusive of her to look into the finances of others.

MASSIVE overstep.

I'd be telling her to back off and keep her snout out.

It’s very creepy. I would distance yourself.

This is absolutely bat shit of her.

I’ll be honest - there have been times when I’ve been to a friends really nice new house and I might look up the sold price privately - because I’m a bit envious and I would like one like it - but even that feels a bit dirty be intrusive.

To research someone’s total net worth and then to disclose that you have done that to them is unhinged. I would firmly distance yourself from them. I suspect that someone who has done this is sufficiently disconnected from socially normal behaviour that it’s not worth a conversation about it…

I mean this kindly but please read the thread and reflect on the replies e.g. stalker, creepy, envious - as these apply to you as well.

What you are doing is incredibly intrusive and you aren't benefitting in any way at allfrom it. What you have written makes your life seem so sad and empty. Make your life busy so you have less time to ponder over other people's lives. Your nosiness or desire to embarrass people stems from something lacking in your own life. You could do useful things with all this empty time like volunteering, helping with soup kitchens, charity shops, hospital visits. You would enrich your life and find it rewarding. It might also make you grateful for what you have instead of focussing on what others have.

your properties fund your retirement and give you an easier life. Its very hard to be on your own when you are older. Hopefully when the properties become mortgage free they will fund an early retirement in a sunny climate for you.
All true and worked for me.

I'm signing up to deliver meals-on-wheels as I type.

That's a bit rich. You're assuming thevinegardiaries has done it for the same reason 'Sally' has. Nothing to suggest the same.
A title search can be done by anyone for a multitude of reasons and there are multiple pieces of info on them. I have done title searches to find out the legal owner for neighbour issues. Sometimes it's the only way to find who owns a place.

Have you read the rest of thevine's posts on this thread? You probably should.

This is absolutely perfect. Please please, op say this to her.

I'm sorry, but this is nuts! What sort of friend 'looks into' how much someone is 'worth'!? I can't imagine being around someone so vulgar!

The only response that would work on this woman is to be blunt. Say to her that you find her behaviour almost a little 'stalker-y' and not the sort of energy you want from a 'friend'. So best we call time on this friendship.'

Then give her the widest berth possible.

Lavender14 · Yesterday 22:13
Next time she makes a comment, especially in front of people I'd call her out. I'd say "Sally, I find it deeply inappropriate that you went and researched my financial situation online to try and calculate my worth. So I'd appreciate it if you could stop commenting on it now. Its strange and uncomfortable. "
And let her sit with it. To me the friendship would be over anyway

I agree with what @Ladyof2025 said. This is a perfect response as it deals with her behaviour and your judgement of it. No explanations of your financial situation, no speculation as to her motives.

Yes this. It is so weird and downright rude and intrusive. I think a sharp 'mind your own fucki*g business Susan' is needed the next time she pipes up or if that seems blunt something like 'I really think it's odd you looked into my finances and I want you to stop talking about it'. I'm sure there is not a single sane person who thinks this is ok.

To be blunt, I’d consider her a real weirdo and try to distance myself from her. As PP’s have said, it’s creepy and stalkerish behaviour.

Anecdotally, I’ve realized after several years that a couple of my friends are wealthy. I haven’t poked and pried into their business, they’ve shared certain things with me that have indicated this. It’s absolutely none of my business and has no impact on our friendships. They also dress scruffily at times, why on earth shouldn’t they?!

I'd be telling her how out of order she is and that would be the end of the friendship

How dare she!

Just another viewpoint but if you as a group discuss properties , wealth and money then ask for favours for free or take free opportunities that somebody else found first the money becomes the priority within the group not the " friendship". People would tend to call out the behaviour or exclude the other person in some way from the group. Money, ownership or wealth might be the commonality of the group and " friendship " or emotional support might be what you lose in the trade if they see you as " a taker" whereas you may see yourself a grasper of opportunity.

marriage is team work. If money is your strength then it’s natural for you to do more of the organising while keeping her in the loop. I’m sure she has other strengths she focuses on.

with most my friend group the women are more clued up financially then the blokes, they are the driving force with the family pensions, savings, second houses, house renovations, household bills, Their partners just do the car related stuff.