Friend being strange with me now she's researched my financial situation

[theidiotswind]

This situation first arose a couple of months ago and I still don't know how I feel about it. I've name changed in case anyone I know guesses It's me as I can't really tell the story without some outing details.

We're friends as part of a group-'Sally' and I haven't ever been the closest but we've always got along absolutely fine and have had some good times together as part of a group.

I am a landlord-a small scale one. I own 3 properties with a business partner, a home I live in (mortgaged) and another residential property which an ex lives in and owns 50% of-I rent out the spare room in that (that I used to be in) to a friend. Of the latter property, I don't' get rent as such-friend just pays the mortgage for me.

None of the properties are particularly big or in expensive areas, one is a three bed the others are small two beds.

Sally messaged me (not unusual, she messages me sometimes) and said that she'd looked online (assume rightmove or somewhere) and worked out how much each of my houses were worth and so she knows how much I am worth. My first question was 'well why've you done that?!' and she said she was working out how much she was 'worth' and decided to do mine too. She has also (alarmingly, I think) looked at some of my more expensive clothes and added this to my 'worth' too. She said in part to this conversation 'What's (dog's name) cost as well?!'

(FWIW my dog is a mutt and not worth anything in terms of monetary means).

She told me the amount she'd concluded and since then she's been acting strange. We met up for a boozy lunch one weekend and toward the end someone said they were getting another glass of wine and I said 'Hm, not sure if I fancy another one too' to which 'Sally' said 'Get one, you can afford it, moneybags!'

Another time I was out walking my dog and bumped into her and I had scruffy clothes on as it was cold and wet and she said 'You shouldn't be wearing that bobbly jumper with all you money!' or something.

I have another couple of examples-It's odd and making me feel uncomfortable.

I am a single woman, I don't earn a lot of money in my job, I don't buy expensive things, simple lifestyle, no holidays or huge purchases, old car-I definitely do not see myself as ANYTHING like wealthy or rich or such. It isn't as if I can just withdraw a couple of £100 from a house to treat myself. I've been quite unlucky in terms of relationships and jobs, just broke up with someone so I am feeling quite down and lonely- and the fact I've got a couple of houses give me a safe feeling, but I don't see myself as 'moneybags' or successful or anything of the sort. I also find it really weird that she's essentially rummaged about in my situation like that, who could be bothered? It's nosy and intrusive IMO?

I don't know what to think. I havent' told anyone I know about this and I also would like some examples of what I should say to her if she says anything else which I am sure she is going to!

Do I like the housing system? Not particularly.

But that woman is deranged. She did you a favour by letting you know, id stay well clear. Very odd behaviour.

You don’t have to.

Simply post her address and about five other people here will look it up for you. 😂

p.s. Is there an accepted value for second-hand dogs? Some kind of actuarial grid: breed versus age and so on.

I’m learning so much from this thread. 😀

She's a total weirdo and a very unpleasant person. Most of my friends are better off than me and I have precisely no desire to know who much "they're worth". They're worth a lot to me as friends and people I really love. I have no desire to know how much they have in the bank. One friend came into money in 2021 because her father-in-law died at the end of 2020 and then her husband died. I know that she'd have both of them back rather than x amount of money in her bank. She isn't a friend. I don't know how big your friendship group is but - trash tv admissions here - I've very recently been trapped (by my ownself) by the real housewives of both Beverly Hills and New Jersey. There are people in the group who have fallen out big time but they still manage to meet up as a group because there's enough of them to ignore their frienemy/enemy/that bitch. You either do that or you shame her in front of everyone in the nicest way possible. She deserves it.

p.s. I know your dog doesn't have monetary value but like all dogs and cats, I bet they're the best dog in the world and worth more than money could ever be.

That’s really not on!!!! As others above have said, really intrusive and Not Okay (it would be bad enough to do this , in a moment I imagine of her own nosiness and weakness, but to actually tell you!! And call you moneybags!!! Very very much not on).

im sorry this has happened to you and I hope you can distance yourself from this person. And frankly if you feel up to it;
tell her it’s not on.

Despite my being quite meek and not knowing what to do here, in some circumstances that is TOTALLY the sort of thing I'd do. I had a very nosy lodger once who'd listen in to phone calls and conversations and I started talking about some realy obscure 'cloak and dagger' subjects with close friends to wind her up!

I do indeed ADORE my dog. She's the only constant thing I've had for the past 8 years, relationship break ups, job changes etc. You're totally spot on there!
True about coming into money too. I have a friend who is well off-she lost her Father in her late teens-the whole thing affected her so badly and still does. I don't think about the fact she has a lot of money, she's suffered terribly and I know she'd rather have less money and have her Dad back.

Nosey cow !!

dont give her any more info about you

what a weirdo

wheh was siad why have you done that and she replied to see what your worth
you could still say why ? Why do you wanna know ?

people get very weird about money esp if your comfortable
green eyed monster I’m afraid is most likely

This. I’d be stepping well back from this friendship right away.

To be fair, dog prices are (were?) nuts! Mine is a mutt who was dumped on me as a tiny puppy when her Mum rejected.
Cost me nothing and has given me so much love and has kept me going through all sorts of situations. I'd sell everything I had rather than anything happen to her truth be told.

Your information is incorrect and you must have received very poor financial advice (which is presumably why you don't have the BTLs now). Presumably you were on interest only which makes very poor financial sense unless you are a large scale property investor.

For small investors, the rent from BTLs can and should be used to pay off the mortgages preferably timed for the term of the mortgages to come to an end as you reach retirement age and the money that was being used to reduce the mortgages then becomes your retirement income.

Well this is the thing. It's having the nerve (or the cheek or whatever it is) to mention it that I find incredulous. I mean, HTF does one even bring this up without having to admit to snooping?

As I said further up the thread, I snoop. I could give lessons on where to find information, how to interpret it, and what to cross-reference it against. I snoop because ( A ) I am very nosy, and ( B ) the internet provides a great number of opportunities to indulge this hobby. Prior to the last 15 years all I could do was speculate.

But even then - as now- I kept it all to myself. I remember years ago someone telling me they'd known me long enough to tell me something hugely personal about their family, and oh how I had to act totally surprised by this revelation, when all I was thinking was "Oh blimey, Mrs so-and-so already told me this years ago, just act surprised, FFS ACT SURPRISED!". So much so, I have totally blanked-out what said revelation was, only that I had to make out it was all new to me.

Even when people are parading their lifestyles in the real world and with photographs on social media for those who may have missed the live event, I would never tell them that I knew it must all be racked up as a mountain of debt because there's no way they earn enough to afford it or have any hope of paying off their mortgage at their age now that they've just moved house to somewhere £300K more, not that I looked. I just wouldn't.

No, don't discuss it. If she brings it up then you need to tell her you REFUSE to dignify her criticism with any discussion. Then just don't ever mention it again and let the 'moneybags' comments slide off you like water off a duck's back. Anything else will inevitably cause ructions within the group. Since the others are unaware, if it becomes common knowledge, that's down to her!

I have never and would never rent to anyone I know personally!Recipe for disaster!

I think this is quite likely - she had you pigeon holed as lower down the wealth bracket and now her nose is out of joint. It’s upsetting of course.

OP the best course of action would be to borrow a corgi for future dog walks…

I would at that point come right out and ask her to share her @theidiotswind spreadsheet with you so you can bring yourself up to speed on your revised net worth.

I did consider that and am very grateful that it isn't gone that way.

WTAF?
I have never in my life checked out anyone's "worth" or based friendship expectations on it. One of my friends lives in a rental property, another has just sold a property for £1.1m. Our friendships are based on common interests, stimulating conversation, and having children at the same school.
I can't think of much that is more shallow than evaluating someone like this 'friend' has done.

Never met anyone in my life who has 'researched what I'm worth'. She sounds completely unhinged. I'd avoid her from now on.

She is jealous of you.
You have what she wants maybe?

Independence, a good circle of friends, a successful job, some buy to let properties, freedom … and a lovely dog.

I have a friend with a corgi!

I guess me and my friends in this particular group cannot be too vastly apart in terms of disposable income at least, we agree on which restaurant to meet up in or activity to do often, nobody ever says 'That place is too grotty or 'too expensive for me' so there's that. But other than that thought I've never even thought about how much anyone earns or how well off they are.

IT's very easy to focus on what we don't have isn't it. This thread has reminded me to do less of that, especially as I'm not feeling great about where I am, so thank you!

This post is so interesting!
I tend to be someone people tell things to, I have noticed that-I've had to do that 'act surprised' thing a few times! Any local scandal or fallouts/break up details and I am often seemingly the first to know details for some reason!I don't gossip though, then folk gossip to ME and I have to be all 'Oh really!?!'

I am going to bed shortly but thank you for all the replies and for being kind, everyone. This situation is just one I was very confused about how to navigate, totally a new one for me. Appreciate all the kind words too.

I was always brought up to believe that it is crass to talk about money. One of my husband's friends is a self made millionaire but we never ever discuss our incomes.

This has hit the nail on the head.

OP when you are feeling down, remember that other people are very very envious of your life.

Stop being hard on yourself and appreciate the successes you have made. Make sure that when you reach seventy, you can look back at this time of your life and know that you made the most of the hand you were dealt.