Omg please help!

[Toddlerhelpplease123]

Toddler is nearly 3.

Every morning when he wakes up. We get him out of his cot and he can run around upstairs or come into bed whilst his dad or I get morning drinks (milk/ tea etc.)

For the last couple of weeks he has started screaming in the morning when we go downstairs to get the drinks.

Like full on. Full wake the whole street up screaming non stop.

I honestly dont know what to do.

Obviously I have been being calm and saying whats wrong, etc. Explaining dad always comes back with the drinks. Offering other drinks that are already available in case hes thirsty (water, squash).

We have done ignoring as well. And sternly please stop screaming - because it is literally as loud as he can.

This has been a few weeks now. He’s just been getting worse. And obviously the return of his drinks is the culmination of the event and he just happily drinks his milk so I dont know whether he thinks his screaming is resulting in a positive outcome.

But we cannot have this.

What do people suggest?

I said to DP this morning maybe we need to try no milk. He can have a glass at breakfast but hes not going to die or starve of milk deprivation in the 20/30 minutes it takes everyone to get to breakfast.

Any ideas! Help please

Yes! Literally everyone!! It's completely normal.

Tbh he really ought to be close to navigating the stairs quite safely by now. It's important to help children do what they can do at each stage of early years development and keeping him unable to get up and down stairs by himself at almost 3 isn't great. So that'd be my first motivation for changing things up a bit.

Secondly, he clearly would rather go down and be with the person who's making the drinks, so why not just take him with you if that works better and saves everyone the crying. It won't take him long to be climbing up and down quite confidently and you won't feel like it takes forever to get upstairs again.

I agree with others - why not just go downstairs in pyjamas, have his milk while coffees are being made, and back up again to get ready? Seems like it's not the hill to die on.

Babies aren't aware of the world around them as much as an older toddler is, and they're not self aware either. A toddler is much more aware of being left/wanting to go with mum or dad/being bored or impatient for his milk. That's why he cries more.

Are people honestly just plucking toddler out of room in dressing gown and going immediately downstairs for breakfast without going to the toilet or brushing teeth or anything

Um, yes of course. You cannot be serious.

Yes? They wash teeth after breakfast here, have you a toilet downstairs? Could you not just get him to pee then go downstairs for breakfast, come back up later to get dressed after breakfast?

He's old enough to know that mummy isn't a slave and if he would like something he asks nicely or waits until it is brought to him. Not in a panic in case he kicks off!

Firstly, just all get up and go downstairs, surely that solves the problem?
Secondly, he's 3. Not 1 or 6 months or whatever. 3, that is old enough to know he cannot behave like that. He's not a baby desperate for his feed.

And screaming . Can he not talk today say he wants to go downstairs .

If you want to brush his teeth before breakfast just do that first.

Out of bed (yes, in dressing gown/pyjamas), brush teeth, down for milk.

Op yes, people DO go downstairs in a dressing gown before getting completely ready.

Agree with most others. Wee first then straight downstairs for milk/breakfast. What’s with the drinks upstairs? Mine would never have had milk upstairs. Clean teeth last before leaving house. It’s gross to eat or drink straight after brushing. Sounds like we are all different on that one though!

OP - you've asked for advice about changing your child's behaviour. That's what you're getting. Youu can't wave a magic wand to change someone - even a 3 year old - you have to change how you behave and see if you get a different reaction.
Sp there's lots of good suggestions about how to do things differently. If he starts screaming when one of you leaves the bedroom, there's your cue. Try taking him straight downstairs. Or have the milk ready upstairs - or something else.

He absolutely should be trying to do the stairs independently unless there is a physical disability (and in many cases of disability he would still be trying the stairs!) you support as much as necessary - to begin with you hold their hands if they want, or they crawl, then one hand, then you just stand behind them until you’re happy they are safe. They NEEED to be safe on stairs by the time they start school! Teachers cannot possibly teach them to climb stairs in a class of 30.

My daughter climbed stairs since before she could walk. Not safely, but I was there to help. Now she is over 2 I supervise but she’s pretty safe!

Errr yes!

I think you’re wanting your DC to fit in with what you see as a good routine re getting drinks and coming back up etc. but for your child it likely seems a bit bizarre why one person can go downstairs and they are waiting upstairs. It’s not such a big thing to take a child downstairs and then back upstairs, I think that’s what most people do. It’s not about pandering to your child but understanding they are their own person with needs which might not always be obvious and they can’t quite articulate. I think you’re looking for something unrealistic in your DC.

This is the strangest thread. If he's nearly three years old you should be taking him downstairs when he wakes and giving him his breakfast with a drink. Whys he still getting milk first like a baby and why are you all sitting in bed. You're acting like he's a newborn. I don't know any almost three year olds (excluding those with disabilities) who are unable to go up and down stairs. You sound like you're babying him in a huge way.

Your morning routine sounds incredibly rigid and fussy. Get up have a wee, go downstairs, eat breakfast, play, clean teeth, get dressed. None of this faffing around with drinks and lounging around in dressing gowns. He's probably frustrated and bored as fuck that you are treating him like a baby. Let him go downstairs and help ffs. Give him a job to "help" with.

I imagine he keeps on doing the screaming because it gets a reaction. It is now a habit and it needs to be changed by changing what happens in the morning. Children's day to day routines need adjusted constantly as they develop.

He should be yes, but he obviously isn’t or OP wouldn’t be posting. We have to adapt to the children we have.

I came to say the same thing! The amount of people saying teeth should be brushed after breakfast!
Brush them before! I daresay it won’t make a huge amount of difference for an adult but for baby teeth, definitely brush before. How don’t people know this?

leisurely morning drinks in bed don’t work with a toddler

This although he's not a toddler at 3
Get up, go downstairs
He's frustrated that you are just sitting there.

Also get dressed after breakfast to avoid the mess.

So it’s all downstairs first.

Just change your routine a bit.

Stop the milk. He's behaving like that and still getting a 'reward' at the end of it.

I am not sure I get this a near 3-year old, still in a cot, who has go have milk first thing he wakes up? He can’t just get up and walk down the stairs with you. Involve him, teach him independency. Short legs?

I work with children that age, I’d be quite concerned about the way you parent.

I agree with some others it all sounds like babying, mine were not getting milk at that time at that age.

Well this is what I mean. On the one hand we are babying him apparently. On the other hand expecting too much for him to wait two minutes for his milk is suddenly too much.

We clearly aren’t doing it right.

But I am wondering is the direction we should be going in really instant milk! Surely that is babying regression.

And yes there are other drinks available upstairs instantly like water and my partner always has squash which he likes and I had offered.

@Toddlerhelpplease123 I totally agree with a PP who picked up on the fact you have a younger child, baby maybe? Babies cry and get fed milk.
Your 3 year old is mimicking this.
He is in the regression phase that often happens when there is a new child.
If I were you I would start with giving your 3 year old little bits of age appropriate responsibility.
Probably not related to the younger sibling though as there may be some resentment/green eyed monster going on.
Could he pull the covers up on his bed?
Put his washing in a basket? Help you empty the washing machine?
This may make him feel 'more grown up' and if he has to pull his bed up while the adult is making milk he is less likely to be screaming.
Good luck 👍