Omg please help!

[Toddlerhelpplease123]

Toddler is nearly 3.

Every morning when he wakes up. We get him out of his cot and he can run around upstairs or come into bed whilst his dad or I get morning drinks (milk/ tea etc.)

For the last couple of weeks he has started screaming in the morning when we go downstairs to get the drinks.

Like full on. Full wake the whole street up screaming non stop.

I honestly dont know what to do.

Obviously I have been being calm and saying whats wrong, etc. Explaining dad always comes back with the drinks. Offering other drinks that are already available in case hes thirsty (water, squash).

We have done ignoring as well. And sternly please stop screaming - because it is literally as loud as he can.

This has been a few weeks now. He’s just been getting worse. And obviously the return of his drinks is the culmination of the event and he just happily drinks his milk so I dont know whether he thinks his screaming is resulting in a positive outcome.

But we cannot have this.

What do people suggest?

I said to DP this morning maybe we need to try no milk. He can have a glass at breakfast but hes not going to die or starve of milk deprivation in the 20/30 minutes it takes everyone to get to breakfast.

Any ideas! Help please

Why don’t you get the milk, put the kettle on then take milk back upstairs, get him from the cot, into your room and go back to make tea?

There's no reason your child can't go up and down the stairs a few times. That's part of normal child development. Our stairs are spiral and steep and my child was going up and down crawling from very early on, then walking as soon as possible too (probably 2ish for walking). Obviously well supervised at this age. They were 2nd centile.

OP you're going to have to learn to become very much more flexible with routines - what you've got there isn't a baby and it isn't a toddler, it's a pre-schooler. And once he starts school mornings are going to have to become a lot less free and easy (unless you are home schooling of course), so now is a good time to learn how to shake up a routine that isn't working and change and adapt to how your life is now.

You haven’t given us a time, I don’t think?

Are we talking 5.30am and that’s why you both want to go back to bed? If it’s 7am ish, wouldn’t you normally be getting up for work anyway? You give the impression this is a everyday thing rather than a weekend one.

You (and you as parents) will need to understand that things change as your child gets older, some of the stuff you did (like staying in bed) has to change as they grow up.

With kids it works until it works. I remember going on holidays and by the last few days we'd cracked it. We were a team, we were organised we knew all the pitfalls and traps and we were winning. And we did this massive obnoxious self congratulatory chat on the way home from a coffee shop about how we were amazing and had nailed holidays and will hit the ground running next year, until we realised next year he'd probably be walking to the coffee shop, and not napping and our entire plan would be wasted. It works until it's stops working the key is adapting.

If he’s screaming when one of you leave and shouting milk it sounds like he wants to get it. Can he go downstairs with you to get it, maybe help pour it himself?

Omg thank you 😂

This whole thread had me thinking I was insane!

Yes he’s out of his cot as soon as he wakes. The parent getting him up then goes straight downstairs. Drinks are delivered in less than 5 minutes. More like 3.

He can play if he wants to. Sometimes he does. Most of the time he comes in bed and we wait talking for a few minutes.

Im not sure what my partner does when I’m doing drinks but assume it’s similar.

I have tried minimal attention for a few days. Doesn’t seem to be working! So this is why I am now stuck.

So taking him downstairs and involving him in the process sounds like the next step.

This was about the report kindredsquared.org.uk/school-readiness-survey/. To be far I do have a lot of empathy as I knew very little about raising kids so it’s been a huge trial and error for me…but my kids also went to a sure start nursery and they really ,really helped ,as they also provided education on things like normal milestones for us parents. It’s such a shame they were phased out.

@Zippidyza Thank you for that link, I've seen the media coverage but not tracked down the original report.

I just wanted to say that I had a child who could go from 0 to 60 screaming while waiting for milk... and we now realise that it was one of the earliest signs of our child's (then) undiagnosed ASD/ADHD.

Other's have said you do seem to be 'babying' him (struggling with stairs, still in a cot etc.). Perhaps you are, but possibly with good reason (even if you aren't aware of this), as he isn't reaching those milestones? It might be worth keeping open-minded about this.

Going by the OP's latest post I'm inclined to agree with you.

Yes. My 3yo wakes up really hungry. We have breakfast in pyjamas pretty much instantly then get dressed and ready. It's also useful in that if she spills her breakfast she doesn't need to change twice.

Switch up your current routine. Sounds like he's added his own element to it. When X happens, that's my cue to scream.

Does feel slightly bizarre to me that you are bringing milk up to him. As many have said already - take him downstairs with you. Yes with teeth unbrushed, in pjs etc etc. Why can he not do the stairs on his own? It sounds like you are treating him like a baby at the crawling stage, not a young child.

OMG indeed. This child will be at school in a year or two. Teaching him to navigate the stairs independently is a safety thing, and most parents do this at around the age of 1. If you live in a series of narrow ledges stuck to a cliff, fair enough. But toddlers mostly don’t walk down stairs: they come down on their bums until they’re big enough to do the stairs normally. Does this child not encounter stairs anywhere? If he has a disability such as achondroplasia then the relevant charity should be able to provide you with advice on how to teach him the independence he needs.

I didn’t think there was anything insane about your routine, the insane thing was that you were so bemused about the idea of going downstairs in your pyjamas!

You have had your neighbours disturbed for WEEKS because you couldn't be bothered having to ferry him back upstairs?!?! Bring him down with you.

I think taking him downstairs to get drinks and then going back upstairs to drink them sounds like an incredible faff with multiple points of failure (too easy for child to get distracted e.g. sees toys and wants to play, once downstairs wants breakfast immediately etc). As a PP said, you seem to have a very relaxed morning - maybe this is because it's really early so you've plenty of time, or you're not having to commute to work/childcare. But if it's the latter then once school starts it will be a whole other ball game. So best to streamline the morning routine and make it as simple as possible from my experience. For us, it's no play/books etc before breakfast - as he gets distracted then breakfast gets delayed and everything becomes a massive rush - we need to be out the house on time for us all to get to where we need to be. (And toothbrushing is our challenge here so we need to allow a lot of time for that 😬)

Or maybe the OP needs to adapt her routines to support the development of her child.

Stair gate.
Bed.
Books to freely access in the LO’s room.
Support to walk up and down stairs.
Time for LO to pour his milk in the kitchen, a space to sit and drink it.

Evaluate what the child needs and adapt.

He is 3.

OP I think this is time to change the routine up a bit. Yours sounds lovely (until the screaming...) but to me sounds like the routine for a younger child. He doesn't 'need' milk in bed. I'd get up, have a wee and wash hands, then go downstairs.

But honestly, if either of my dc had done something like this, for no apparent reason, they wouldn't have got the milk. That might sound harsh, but he's 3, he knows the routine. (Obviously excluding any other issues)

Yes it does seem very bizarre.
However, I have to say, I have met some humans in real life who just find life so difficult to navigate- just ordinary things. Quite often people like this have autism either diagnosed or not diagnosed but bleeding obvious to anyone who has a clue about autism.
Also, IME people with autism marry / partner with someone else with autism so neither parent thinks it’s odd or knows how to navigate any better.
Seen it multiple times.
Often, people get stuck on a rigid routine. Because it’s safety. They have been struggling with a baby and found something that works, so that routine must be adhered too whatever else is happening. For instance nap time- it must be the same even if it’s your sisters wedding, you other child’s birthday or one parent has gone into hospital etc. Just extremely rigid because it represents safety.
I wondered if it’s the same thing here.
I presume OP has carried her child up and downstairs every time until now for the past 3 years. That in itself speaks volumes.

I expect I’ll be told I’m being cruel, but imo he’s old enough to learn that you don’t get what you want immediately by screaming. Since you’re sure there’s no real reason for the screaming I wonder whether you’re actually showing him you don’t like it, or whether he’s getting extra attention, sympathy, cuddles etc. for it. I would try not giving him the milk until he stopped screaming. You’d have a bad few days and then he’d learn that screaming for what he wants doesn’t work.

But if you don’t want to do that, and don't want to take him downstairs straight away, and do want to carry on giving him milk first thing, just bring some up the night before in a thermos. But it would be pandering to him.

Agreed. He’s 3 for heavens sake.

Yes

OMG op you have literally latched on the one person who thinks the routine is working because bit worried for her kids. Everyone else is telling you toddlers need something else
You'll have to excuse us all with having no sympathy whatsoever for your ongoing screaming battles because of your refusal to change

My kids were in cots until they were nearly 4 - DS especially. All slept like logs, happy as Larry in there. I don't understand the upset with other posters here, why does it matter where other people's children sleep?

They're all very independent, very self-motivated young people now so doesn't seem to have affected them one bit!