AIBU? Not sure how else to title this!

[Motherof1and2dogs]

I am so sorry this is a long one but I have to explain clearly so you all understand. I have posted on here before about my husband and how selfish he can be and going by everyone's responses he was 100% in the wrong and I got so much support.

Something similar has happened again this morning and I just want to see if I am being unreasonable because I think this might now be the last time I can take it.

So it's a Sunday morning, I am working overtime today 9am-2pm, I am tracked on the amount of work I do so cannot have distractions. I am still recovering from an awful flu, I sound awful and still feel pretty rough, I am 17 weeks pregnant also but I have decided to still work today because it is from home.
I asked him to do our 2 year olds bottle this morning and he moaned about that, even more so when I said there wasn't any clean ones and he would have to wash one up by hand. He done it in the end but he still moaned about it. It annoys me the fact that the washing bowl is full of his dirty bottles and hasn't even thought to wash them all up for me - but as always, I'm expected to do it.

Usually when our son has his bottle in the morning we would have a tea in bed to start our day but he asked me to make the tea this morning as well so he could to a to do list which I did to help him out because that's what your supposed to do in a relationship.
I then asked him to clean the kitchen for me today because it is a mess, his exact words "no you can do that today because I need to crack on with the garden" I said to him that the garden can wait and it will take him 15 minutes to do the kitchen and I have work today. He then said "well I need to get the garden done before the gender reveal otherwise it won't get done" (the gender reveal is on the 1st March, we have plenty of time to do it and the funny thing is we can't even do anything in the garden until he gets top soil and grass which we don't even have yet.)
He fails to forget we have a 2 year old toddler and I am working overtime for extra money today but because I work from home full time and he is so used to me having our son while I work and doing absolutely everything he still things it's ok for him to be left with me today. It's unfair as I with overtime I can't give my son my full attention. Overtime is different to weekday work. Plus he goes nursery now 2 days a week which helps massively but I juggle the other 3 days.
He also forgets that every morning in the week, I wake up, do the teas, bottle for our son, do breakfast for everyone, change our sons nappy, get him ready for the day, start work for 8am, if our son has nursery I walk him there then log on for work when I get home, feed the dogs, do lunches, pick up son from nursery, do laundry and clean in between, bath our son, do the food shopping, do most of the cooking, all this still while working and still trying to make time for myself to have a shower etc, but I can't even get him to tidy the kitchen when I ask. He just wakes up, showers, goes to work and then comes home.

Last night he also annoyed me massively, he mentioned about changing our sons nappy, so when I said to him a bit later "did you change his nappy" his response... "you never asked me to" !!!!!!! - unfortunately I have found myself to have to ask him to do things and write him lists which just creates more work and stress for me. He doesn't ever do anything off his own back. I have been asking him to do this and that for years! Still leaves dirty laundry on the floor for days, we had to get a cleaner while I was in my first trimester because I was so ill so he didn't have to do anything then. I still had to do laundry and cook when I could.

He is very old fashioned, he is the main income, pays all the bills, I still work full time but I pay for food shopping, holidays, luxuries etc, but because he pays the bills he thinks he can come home and do as little as possible. I work 38 hours a week still but my job is a bit more flexible, he does work longer hours due to his job but is home evenings and weekends.

I just feel to the point where I can't keep arguing with him to help me anymore and tired of his excuses.

He spends a lot of time on his phone, work related at times but scrolls a lot on YouTube and does this when our son is awake still, when I tell him to come off his phone he doesn't seem to understand why if our son is playing or watching tv but I still don't agree with being on phones when little one is awake, but I'm always telling him to come off his phone. I'm always moaning at him and it's so tiring.

I hate the fact we have a son, have a baby on the way, but I really thought he would have helped me so much this pregnancy but it's been nothing but stress and tears.

Could I also just be more angry from hormones? I just don't know anymore and I feel so done with it all but I just don't know if I am over reacting.

Just wanted to quickly mention, he is doing the kitchen now but once again caused a row for nothing and has made the atmosphere awkward.

This man clearly doesn't understand that he is a joint parent. I would be asking him what his view of parenting is and explaining why it needs to be joint. This will not get better unless you can draw up a plan together.

I would get paper and pen, draw up how much each of you work, what jobs need doing, what childcare needs to happen and make it clear if can't fall on you all the time.

So you posted before and everyone told you he was a useless prick, and now you're posting again?

Has anything changed? Did he vow to not be a useless prick?

Thing is, 10,000 people can tell you someone is useless, but unless that person themselves decides they need to change, it won't make a single iota difference. That's where you are. If he's not committed to changing then he's always going to be a useless unhelpful prick.

What you need to decide is - is that ok with you (carry on), or not (dont carry on).

Can you clean the kitchen for me? Who made it your job?

Why on earth are you having a second child with this lazy clown? Women don’t inherently know more about raising a child than men, the idea of “you didn’t tell me to change his nappy” (you have a TWO year old, you will have changed thousands of nappies by this point) is just weaponised incompetence.

Yes he sounds useless and horrible and rude, but (kindly) what did you think would change by having another child with this prince? And please get childcare on your working days - you don’t want to lose your job as well as the useless man!

Exactly. You’re married to a sexist, selfish man and soon you’ll have two children with him. What are you going to do about it?

Why did you think he would help you?

You were foolish to have one baby with this man, never mind two. He won’t change.

Your 2 year old should also not be having bottles - they should be off bottles by the age of 1.

Did you want this baby or has he coerced you into it? Given he has always been lazy and useless, really you need to decide whether you want to be a single parent to two children living alone, or if you want to be a single parent to two children living with someone who contributes to bills and nothing else.

honestly, this seems a bit of a mess. You perhaps can’t see the wood for the trees, but why are you considering a gender reveal when you should be considering that you have got a second child on the way by a man who doesn’t change a nappy and strops about making a bottle?

I think this should be a wake up moment. Do you have other support?

Tbh why do you have a second baby with him?
Everything is wrong here. I would start to make a plan to have my own life.

What’s changed since the last time you got lots of advice ?

Also .. why are you doing overtime, when you are ill, preganant, have a toddler … and his money pays all the bills, and yours it’s just for luxuries ?

I really thought he would have helped me so much this pregnancy

why? What made you think this? Thinking something isn’t the same as wishing something. Irrespective of what TikTok tells us, you cannot speak something into existence like that.

Yes he’s not pulling his weight and you need to have a talk with him before the baby comes. But there’s also things you can be sorting out to make your life easier too. Why is your DS having bottles at age 2? He really shouldn’t be, he should be using a proper cup. It would make it much easier not to have the bottles to wash up too, just put some milk from the fridge into a cup. Also you need childcare whilst you’re working from home. It’s dangerous for your DS to be watching him and working at the same time, and also can’t be very fun for him. That will also help as you can concentrate on just work during work time and will be less stressful.

Why on earth are you having a second child with this man. Glutton for punishment.

He didn't 'forget' to do these things - he just didn't bother. He's not 'old fashioned' - he's a dick.

He's not going to change, you have to decide if you can carry on with this dynamic.
I was in a similar relationship. I also realised when pregnant with a second child...yes I had a second child with a selfish man...
I didn't actually leave until that child started school. But I didn't have a job at all, I needed to spend that time doing a qualification and getting a decent job. It was a long wait but I spent those years saving, making a plan.
I think you need to make a plan too. But the first step is realising he won't change. That is one thing for certain.

I think last night was the time to have this conversation and get straight, tidy up and have a plan.
You also can't work with a toddler to look after. It's what gives wfh a bad reputation.

The unreasonableness is the gender reveal party?

Yes. The wording needs to be "The kitchen needs cleaning while I'm working."

How can you get all that stuff done when apparently working from home? Unfair on your employer and your child to have him at home when you’re working. And yes, he is still a selfish arse.

Just for those asking why am I having a second baby with this man.... the baby wasn't planned, I considered abortion but could not go through with it and my sister even told me not to as it would kill me forever and I don't think I could live with myself if I done that. I am happy to be a single parent of two if that's what it results to. As much as I would hate that as I am from a broken family and never ever wanted this for my children, I think I have just hung on for as long as I can because I don't want a broken family and just hoped that he would change.

As for those saying my son shouldn't be having bottles, he asks for milk every morning and I'm fine with that, it's just his little routine that starts his day :)

Aside from the uselessness prick of a husband.

I am working overtime today 9am-2pm.... I am still recovering from an awful flu, I sound awful and still feel pretty rough, I am 17 weeks pregnant also but I have decided to still work today because it is from home.

Why did you book overtime, when your ill?

You're not making your situation any better by adding stress into the mix, as well as putting stress into your worklife when you've got a toddler, pregnancy and a useless husband.

OP you already have 2 children, a toddler & a pathetic man baby who apparently needs to be told to change his son’s nappy. Honestly leave, this is never ever going to change. He isn’t stupid he knows how the clothes get clean and the dishes he just doesn’t care enough to step up. You’ll be happier as a single parent!

Mumsnet has a terrifyingly high rate of contraception failures, doesn’t it? Far and above manufacturers research would indicate.

the thing is, your home IS broken. This is not working, is it? You’re working whilst being responsible for a child, which I can’t imagine your employer is remotely happy about, you’re a live in maid to your husband, you’re ill and he doesn’t care enough to help, you’ve got a child he isn’t interested in parenting. That seems pretty broken don’t you think?

You have only yourself to blame. He has previously shown you what he's like, yet you are breeding with him again. Your poor children.