AIBU? Not sure how else to title this!

[Motherof1and2dogs]

I am so sorry this is a long one but I have to explain clearly so you all understand. I have posted on here before about my husband and how selfish he can be and going by everyone's responses he was 100% in the wrong and I got so much support.

Something similar has happened again this morning and I just want to see if I am being unreasonable because I think this might now be the last time I can take it.

So it's a Sunday morning, I am working overtime today 9am-2pm, I am tracked on the amount of work I do so cannot have distractions. I am still recovering from an awful flu, I sound awful and still feel pretty rough, I am 17 weeks pregnant also but I have decided to still work today because it is from home.
I asked him to do our 2 year olds bottle this morning and he moaned about that, even more so when I said there wasn't any clean ones and he would have to wash one up by hand. He done it in the end but he still moaned about it. It annoys me the fact that the washing bowl is full of his dirty bottles and hasn't even thought to wash them all up for me - but as always, I'm expected to do it.

Usually when our son has his bottle in the morning we would have a tea in bed to start our day but he asked me to make the tea this morning as well so he could to a to do list which I did to help him out because that's what your supposed to do in a relationship.
I then asked him to clean the kitchen for me today because it is a mess, his exact words "no you can do that today because I need to crack on with the garden" I said to him that the garden can wait and it will take him 15 minutes to do the kitchen and I have work today. He then said "well I need to get the garden done before the gender reveal otherwise it won't get done" (the gender reveal is on the 1st March, we have plenty of time to do it and the funny thing is we can't even do anything in the garden until he gets top soil and grass which we don't even have yet.)
He fails to forget we have a 2 year old toddler and I am working overtime for extra money today but because I work from home full time and he is so used to me having our son while I work and doing absolutely everything he still things it's ok for him to be left with me today. It's unfair as I with overtime I can't give my son my full attention. Overtime is different to weekday work. Plus he goes nursery now 2 days a week which helps massively but I juggle the other 3 days.
He also forgets that every morning in the week, I wake up, do the teas, bottle for our son, do breakfast for everyone, change our sons nappy, get him ready for the day, start work for 8am, if our son has nursery I walk him there then log on for work when I get home, feed the dogs, do lunches, pick up son from nursery, do laundry and clean in between, bath our son, do the food shopping, do most of the cooking, all this still while working and still trying to make time for myself to have a shower etc, but I can't even get him to tidy the kitchen when I ask. He just wakes up, showers, goes to work and then comes home.

Last night he also annoyed me massively, he mentioned about changing our sons nappy, so when I said to him a bit later "did you change his nappy" his response... "you never asked me to" !!!!!!! - unfortunately I have found myself to have to ask him to do things and write him lists which just creates more work and stress for me. He doesn't ever do anything off his own back. I have been asking him to do this and that for years! Still leaves dirty laundry on the floor for days, we had to get a cleaner while I was in my first trimester because I was so ill so he didn't have to do anything then. I still had to do laundry and cook when I could.

He is very old fashioned, he is the main income, pays all the bills, I still work full time but I pay for food shopping, holidays, luxuries etc, but because he pays the bills he thinks he can come home and do as little as possible. I work 38 hours a week still but my job is a bit more flexible, he does work longer hours due to his job but is home evenings and weekends.

I just feel to the point where I can't keep arguing with him to help me anymore and tired of his excuses.

He spends a lot of time on his phone, work related at times but scrolls a lot on YouTube and does this when our son is awake still, when I tell him to come off his phone he doesn't seem to understand why if our son is playing or watching tv but I still don't agree with being on phones when little one is awake, but I'm always telling him to come off his phone. I'm always moaning at him and it's so tiring.

I hate the fact we have a son, have a baby on the way, but I really thought he would have helped me so much this pregnancy but it's been nothing but stress and tears.

Could I also just be more angry from hormones? I just don't know anymore and I feel so done with it all but I just don't know if I am over reacting.

Why is he being so disrespectful to you? So dismissive and cruel. Is this the environment you want for your children?

@Lilactimes the only reason for doing this gender reveal is because we had it for our first and I would feel so guilty that the first had such a big fuss and the second didn't :( I actually don't post my children or my life on social media so it isn't even for "views" as some have mentioned on here, it's more for photos/ memories for the children when they grow up. It's also just close family and friends coming for a bbq so it's nothing overly big, but it is added pressure I guess. I just keep picturing the second child asking why they never had what the first had and me not being able to answer them, sort of like they are second favourite so I feel like I have to have one to keep it fair. I know that might sound silly but that's just my thought process x

@Lilactimes I also did not know you could put bottles in a dishwasher! When I done this a while back with a water bottle of mine, it had completely shrunk and changed shape. Even when I google it with the bottles I use, I does say to not put in dishwasher :(

Your child will never ask why it never had a gender reveal party.
Cancel it. You have too many other things to focus on, namely yourself and your well-being and that of your child. Plus - having a serious conversation with him about your future.

@YouFreakingFreaks that is literally it, I am already so overwhelmed with everything that I leave things sometimes in hopes that he will pick up on it but that's never happens. It's the same with his dirty clothes, I no longer pick them up for him and just leave it and leave it until he does eventually or until I blow

Hey OP - have you looked at what you’d be entitled to if you split? If you’re under the threshold for Universal Credit with two dependent DC, you might be surprisingly ok.

Im not sure what you’re getting from this man other than another child in the house….a man-child.

Bottles damage their teeth so better to give a cup. No malice, just thought it best to know

OP yes he sounds like he is being awful and it is very understandable for you to be very annoyed with him. Beyond annoyed.

What you must see however is that nagging will not work.

People only change if they agree to change - if they understand the need for it or how it might benefit them / people they care about. They then have to commit to trying hard. Most changes involve challenges and relapses into old ways along the way.

If you are able to talk to your DH in a way that helps him understand exactly what you need from him and why - not just for one day but every day - then he has the chance to think it over and decide whether to agree to try changing. You would need to communicate with him at a good time and in a way that isn't going to make him feel like you hate him / have no respect for him at all, as that will only get his back up and increase the chances of him shutting the conversation down. If he does not agree to th changes you want him to make, there might be space for negotiation between you where you listen to his ideas and concerns too and try to agree a way forward together. If he refuses to even listen, or to negotiate, or to consider any change, then of course you're pretty fucked and it is then on you to decide whether to stay with him or to accept him as he is.

Maybe you've tried all this but I get the impression you haven't, or that if you tried it didn't work. Marriage counselling can be really helpful with this part because let's face it, these conversations can be really bloody difficult.

Remember that he has to understand your reasoning and agree with it if he's going to change. With the phone thing for example (the only bit of your post where I actually do think you sound unreasonable): I totally get why you don't want phones used when your toddler is awake and can think of good reasons for this. But opinions on these things differ and it seems clear that your husband does not agree with your phone policy. You can't force him to go along with something he doesn't agree with. So your options are to re-explain your reasons to try to convince him; to negotiate and find a way to compromise; OR to accept his position. Nagging and moaning will achieve nothing except irritate you both.

OP how dare he say that! This is not a team and partnership hes looking down on you saying, without him you’d be nothing - BS!! He’s never going to change. I think you need to leave him, he is useless, plus it will be worse when you have two children. You shouldn’t have to be asking him to do tasks for his own children!!!

People do gender reveals for fun? Sorry I’m from another planet so this is curious 🛸👽

Can't you both pick up dirty clothes at the same time in preparation for loads into the washing machine? It would take five minutes per week.
Modern washing machines make doing laundry an easy task.

It's the folding and putting away that takes time.

@MildredSauce planning permission has already been sent off. Council have already said they can't see it being an issue as we aren't making changes externally. That's all sorted. Mum is still happy and we are aiming for it to be finished by August this year. That has been resolved.

Yes it has been a horrendous pregnancy but I just assumed I would be back to normal after 12/13 weeks but I'm 17 weeks and still struggling and now with flu which I was not expecting. The gender reveal is just some family and friends coming round so not anything too crazy, but he sees the garden as a priority over helping me indoors which is the issue I have at the minute. If I knew he would be like this I wouldn't be having one.

Work are aware that I have my son 3 days a week, that will soon be changing to 2 days as his days in nursery will increase, my work are supportive and what I do I have so much flexibility so I am lucky in that respect, but yes it is still tough, but I can actually put my laptop aside if I need to, log off if I need to so that's all good.

Lovely, you sound like you are already a single parent for a child and a man child. Get rid of the man child and halve your workload.
I didn’t see your original post but your DH sounds like a waste of time, space, and oxygen to me. Do you really want to be in the same situation in a year, 2 years, 5 years?
If you think of life and work as a road trip, recognise the mile (age in years)you are on now and then imagine yourself at 5 miles (years) from now and being in the same situation but with older children. How does that look? Would that woman, who you will be in 5 years, thank you for not finding a solution now?

Sorry to sound like a meme on FB but I heard a talk at work recently and it resonated with me.

Sorry but you sound as bad as each other

Stop doing things for him if he doesn't help you. You make him tea and breakfast every morning, why? Let him make his own. Only do the basics...none of his washing etc. When he notices, tell him it is a two way street and when he steps up to the plate, so will you. You are enabling him to be a lazy arse.

@Timetochillnow I agree! Yes to this, I like this idea a lot. I just hope he doesn't get defensive and actually listens. The only thing that worries me... his only two jobs at home are bins and picking up dog poo in the garden, I still have to ask him to do these things. I always get "in a minute, later or tomorrow".
And I have now started to leave his clothes on the floor. Takes him a few days to pick it up but eventually does do it, just annoying it doesn't go straight in the basket to start with.

I would 100% consider a full time cleaner. I actually had a lovely neighbour clean for me a few times in December and January while she was off work and I was really suffering in my first trimester, paid her of course, but she started her new job and doesn't have the time anymore. It was only supposed to be temporary but now I am thinking a full time regular cleaner would be a huge weight off my shoulders

unfortunately I had to come off of my implant for medical reasons, I was on contraception from when my first was born up until it was removed in August 2024.

Make him wear a condom then? Although he sounds like such an arse I'm surprised you're even interested in shagging him.

Enjoy the gender reveal.
It's what you want.

Can you bring the BBQ forward so that DH has little excuse to not help inside?
Simplify the Gender Reveal by asking some guests to help cook BBQ, etc. That might make the party less fussy. Family and friends usually have a great time together.
Book a cleaner the following week to help.

You are married to and have decided to have another child very quickly with a complete arse.

@LeticiaMorales no it isn't at all :( my issue is not wanting to bring up children in a broken family because I never wanted that, I had a bad upbringing myself so I've always wanted to avoid what I experienced, I'm always up for working on things as well, counselling if need be, I would do anything to be a strong and happy family and I kid myself sometimes or just think he will change one day, but I don't think he will as he always does these little things, but now I know he most likely won't change and I need to avoid my children growing up in such a toxic environment. Just breaks my heart the thought of this whole situation and I do feel it's all my fault and I just want to make sure I make the right decision and I'm not overreacting

Their point is, it should be in a cup (with a spout if necessary)

And why on earth are you adding the stress of a 'gender reveal' to everything else?

Make sure he pays for any cleaner, since they’re needed to pick up his slack not yours.

Then reframe your thought process

The child won't care what you did before it was born!

You need to sort out your priorities and that isn't one

He's not old fashioned, he's a selfish misogynist who thinks everything baby, child, house, cleaning bla bla bla is women's work.

He does 'go out to work bring money home and RELAX'. You do 'gestate new baby, care for toddler, attempt to do full time job, do all house duties, recover from illness.'

You can't be giving your attention to your work while coping with all this.

You can't get better and healthy for your baby's development while coping with all this.

You can't care for your toddler and your home while coping with all this.

Something is going to break. Your poor children.

Are you both 12?