AIBU? Not sure how else to title this!

[Motherof1and2dogs]

I am so sorry this is a long one but I have to explain clearly so you all understand. I have posted on here before about my husband and how selfish he can be and going by everyone's responses he was 100% in the wrong and I got so much support.

Something similar has happened again this morning and I just want to see if I am being unreasonable because I think this might now be the last time I can take it.

So it's a Sunday morning, I am working overtime today 9am-2pm, I am tracked on the amount of work I do so cannot have distractions. I am still recovering from an awful flu, I sound awful and still feel pretty rough, I am 17 weeks pregnant also but I have decided to still work today because it is from home.
I asked him to do our 2 year olds bottle this morning and he moaned about that, even more so when I said there wasn't any clean ones and he would have to wash one up by hand. He done it in the end but he still moaned about it. It annoys me the fact that the washing bowl is full of his dirty bottles and hasn't even thought to wash them all up for me - but as always, I'm expected to do it.

Usually when our son has his bottle in the morning we would have a tea in bed to start our day but he asked me to make the tea this morning as well so he could to a to do list which I did to help him out because that's what your supposed to do in a relationship.
I then asked him to clean the kitchen for me today because it is a mess, his exact words "no you can do that today because I need to crack on with the garden" I said to him that the garden can wait and it will take him 15 minutes to do the kitchen and I have work today. He then said "well I need to get the garden done before the gender reveal otherwise it won't get done" (the gender reveal is on the 1st March, we have plenty of time to do it and the funny thing is we can't even do anything in the garden until he gets top soil and grass which we don't even have yet.)
He fails to forget we have a 2 year old toddler and I am working overtime for extra money today but because I work from home full time and he is so used to me having our son while I work and doing absolutely everything he still things it's ok for him to be left with me today. It's unfair as I with overtime I can't give my son my full attention. Overtime is different to weekday work. Plus he goes nursery now 2 days a week which helps massively but I juggle the other 3 days.
He also forgets that every morning in the week, I wake up, do the teas, bottle for our son, do breakfast for everyone, change our sons nappy, get him ready for the day, start work for 8am, if our son has nursery I walk him there then log on for work when I get home, feed the dogs, do lunches, pick up son from nursery, do laundry and clean in between, bath our son, do the food shopping, do most of the cooking, all this still while working and still trying to make time for myself to have a shower etc, but I can't even get him to tidy the kitchen when I ask. He just wakes up, showers, goes to work and then comes home.

Last night he also annoyed me massively, he mentioned about changing our sons nappy, so when I said to him a bit later "did you change his nappy" his response... "you never asked me to" !!!!!!! - unfortunately I have found myself to have to ask him to do things and write him lists which just creates more work and stress for me. He doesn't ever do anything off his own back. I have been asking him to do this and that for years! Still leaves dirty laundry on the floor for days, we had to get a cleaner while I was in my first trimester because I was so ill so he didn't have to do anything then. I still had to do laundry and cook when I could.

He is very old fashioned, he is the main income, pays all the bills, I still work full time but I pay for food shopping, holidays, luxuries etc, but because he pays the bills he thinks he can come home and do as little as possible. I work 38 hours a week still but my job is a bit more flexible, he does work longer hours due to his job but is home evenings and weekends.

I just feel to the point where I can't keep arguing with him to help me anymore and tired of his excuses.

He spends a lot of time on his phone, work related at times but scrolls a lot on YouTube and does this when our son is awake still, when I tell him to come off his phone he doesn't seem to understand why if our son is playing or watching tv but I still don't agree with being on phones when little one is awake, but I'm always telling him to come off his phone. I'm always moaning at him and it's so tiring.

I hate the fact we have a son, have a baby on the way, but I really thought he would have helped me so much this pregnancy but it's been nothing but stress and tears.

Could I also just be more angry from hormones? I just don't know anymore and I feel so done with it all but I just don't know if I am over reacting.

He sounds selfish and a complete jerk. You sound runoff your feet. I always try and see both sides of relationship stories but FFS you are growing a whole new human inside you whilst doing everything else!!!
If you were on your own - you would still be doing everything but without feeling annoyed with someone else… I know which I’d prefer.

He sounds selfish and a complete jerk. You sound runoff your feet. I always try and see both sides of relationship stories but FFS you are growing a whole new human inside you whilst doing everything else!!!
If you were on your own - you would still be doing everything but without feeling annoyed with someone else… I know which I’d prefer.

'He is very old fashioned' = misogynistic , lazy bastard.

As soon as I read gender reveal, I stopped reading.

Agree with this too @Motherof1and2dogs cancel the gender reveal!!
put budget towards a cleaner and sort house out. Buy a dishwasher if you haven’t got one with the party budget!! And put toddler cups and / or bottles straight in dishwasher - it’s prob healthier than handwashing unless they’re very young.
Doesnt alter fact he sounds awful x

Yes - I don’t ge5 this clean the kitchen “for me”

it’s not for you. He’s an adult and a father living in the house he’s not doing you a favour!

C'mon, we're past calling this kinda shit 'old fashioned'. How old is he? If he's the younger side of 60 he knows damn well that parenting should be equal (edit to say - and tbf good men knew anyway - my dad was blue collar, born in 1940s and still pulled his weight domestically and then some). He's just lazy and you've bought into it being your job. In a way, YABU to expect him to be anything other than the lazy sexist selfish pig he's always been. Having another baby with him is the thing least likely to make him change. This is him. The question is what can you do to change what you do and will put up with?

YABU to not have childcare on your working days and just 'juggle', that's so bad, Also cringing at gender reveal party. But beyond that, you know the truth about him and were told it before. How you deal with it going forwards is up to you.

You cannot work while looking after a 2 year old without failing at one of the tasks. He obviously should not be letting you be in this position and you’re allowing all of it to happen, especially by having a second baby with him.

Exactly!

@Motherof1and2dogs stop saying "can you clean the kitchen for me?" as if he is doing you a favour.

If he can't see things for himself with his own two eyes and you feel he needs a spoken prompt, try framing it differently - "the kitchen needs cleaning and DC needs dressing - which one do you want to do?"

If your child has just one bottle a day and you have more than one bottle, why is the sink filled with used bottles? That’s a bit gross because it suggests no cleaning for a number of days…

if he isn’t helping at all op, and you are overwhelmed with the amount of cleaning, getting rid of him would mean one less person to clean up after.

What a very unpleasant choice of words? Bet friends are beating your door down to get your words of wisdom when they have a life problem 🤣

I have called in sick now anyway, was too much for me.
They are fully aware and it does not affect my work

Clearly it does affect your work as you have called in sick!

This. He doesn't clean the kitchen for you.
It's a family space.
You're going to have to do something because you've got another baby on the way and you're going to go under.

This.

What you don't want for your children is to be in this environment. He is rude, lazy and entitled. I agree with pp who say he has "weaponised incompetence".
Cancel the "gender reveal". When the toddler is asleep have a forthright conversation about your situation, and what needs to change.

There’s about a quarter of a million terminations each year in England and Wales, plus the unplanned pregnancies where the woman opts to continue with the pregnancy. Thats a lot of potential contraception failures.

The manufacturer stats you’re probably referring to are the 99% effective stats? The reality is that people aren’t perfect and that means that the probable effectiveness is lowered quite considerably. The NHS typical effectiveness stats paint a very different picture.

Or in my case, I was prescribed the mini-pill but not told it’s less effective if you’re overweight (which I was at the time). I took it meticulously. Boom. Fell pregnant with twins. There are plenty of women who fall pregnant when they’re on contraception. It’s really, really not a failsafe. And it doesn’t take much to reduce the effectiveness considerably.

So bearing in mind all of that, it’s hardly surprising that within a large community of (mainly) women, we hear quite a few stories of contraceptive failure.

I cannot believe the number of threads that there are on here about men who are not only lazy and selfish husbands, but also take no responsibility for their own children's needs. It's so depressing.

Lots of things that need to be better @Motherof1and2dogs starting with communication with your pillocky sounding DH and some better ground rules, going forward.

Also, sorting your priorities. You've said in the past you suffer from anxiety. It's been a rough pregnancy so far. You don't work effectively as you juggle your two year old with responsibilities. You've got your mum living in an unrenovated shed in a home you've only just moved into and you're not sure about planning permission with neighbours are complaining.

But it's all about a gender reveal party in a month's time? Come on!

How annoying for you!
You need to sit down and have a serious talk about how things will be once baby two is here.
Insist that your son needs to get used to a new routine before the baby arrives. Remind DH that children are for life; he will never not be a parent and his time for scrolling is permanently reduced. Not tough luck but good luck - it's part of the joys of fatherhood.
Ask DH to be responsible for all of DS's morning routine - wake up, breakfast, dressed and bag packed for child care and dropped off. Ask him to cook two evening meals per week and clean up after same meals.
(Once no. two is here DH should be there for DS in the night.)

Give DH written large instructions that are non negotiable.
Great that he is sorting out the garden.
Don't micro manage him.
Make the standards known, set the time parameters and leave him to improve over the coming weeks.

Thank each other for what you each do for your family.
Revisit DH's chores only once a week - expect him work out how to cope.

From reading all the OP's posts on this, I'm not entirely comfortable that the sex was mutually consensual.

@MammaTo so he pays the high bills like mortgage, gas, water etc, but I suppose food shopping is still classed as a bill. It does cost me around £400 a month which is a lot and I don't earn as much as him. I also have my own bills to pay such as car, some debt, and a few other small bills, hence why I need to overtime to help some more. He always hits me with "without me you would be screwed" because of how much he pays compared to me

cancel the gender reveal! it’s a pressure and cost you don’t need

As a minimum - Quick tidy up every day together after toddler is in bed - wash up if not already done, clean kitchen surfaces and floor, tidy living area and make tomorrow’s to do list!

• 15 mins together maximum and you have a clear start the next day AND he’s learning what needs doing.

After toddler’s in bed tonight - make a cuppa for you both, turn off the tv and phones and discuss this plan - start tonight if you can but definitely tomorrow if not

reframe requests - if you do this whilst I do this, is better than please do it for me.

check-out costs for a cleaner - if you earn more after tax etc then it’s worth it to book one for a couple of hours once a week

Btw - if laundry isn’t in the laundry bin don’t wash it!!

This appalling man doesn't see you, him and your child(ren) as a family - this kind of comment makes that clear.

You need to get him out of your life, apart from ensuring he pays child support.

@SquishyGloopyBum the crazy thing is we don't do it often at all and the one time we did do it, I fell pregnant. I don't want to say it's a mistake because I want this baby and I always wanted a second child, I just wish it hadn't of happened so soon, since we have moved he seems to have got worse and that was unexpected

Respond with - True. Yes, without you and me both working together for our family we'd all be screwed.

Make a spread sheet that keeps you both informed as to how you both contribute...and how vital it is that you cooperate.