AIBU? Not sure how else to title this!

[Motherof1and2dogs]

I am so sorry this is a long one but I have to explain clearly so you all understand. I have posted on here before about my husband and how selfish he can be and going by everyone's responses he was 100% in the wrong and I got so much support.

Something similar has happened again this morning and I just want to see if I am being unreasonable because I think this might now be the last time I can take it.

So it's a Sunday morning, I am working overtime today 9am-2pm, I am tracked on the amount of work I do so cannot have distractions. I am still recovering from an awful flu, I sound awful and still feel pretty rough, I am 17 weeks pregnant also but I have decided to still work today because it is from home.
I asked him to do our 2 year olds bottle this morning and he moaned about that, even more so when I said there wasn't any clean ones and he would have to wash one up by hand. He done it in the end but he still moaned about it. It annoys me the fact that the washing bowl is full of his dirty bottles and hasn't even thought to wash them all up for me - but as always, I'm expected to do it.

Usually when our son has his bottle in the morning we would have a tea in bed to start our day but he asked me to make the tea this morning as well so he could to a to do list which I did to help him out because that's what your supposed to do in a relationship.
I then asked him to clean the kitchen for me today because it is a mess, his exact words "no you can do that today because I need to crack on with the garden" I said to him that the garden can wait and it will take him 15 minutes to do the kitchen and I have work today. He then said "well I need to get the garden done before the gender reveal otherwise it won't get done" (the gender reveal is on the 1st March, we have plenty of time to do it and the funny thing is we can't even do anything in the garden until he gets top soil and grass which we don't even have yet.)
He fails to forget we have a 2 year old toddler and I am working overtime for extra money today but because I work from home full time and he is so used to me having our son while I work and doing absolutely everything he still things it's ok for him to be left with me today. It's unfair as I with overtime I can't give my son my full attention. Overtime is different to weekday work. Plus he goes nursery now 2 days a week which helps massively but I juggle the other 3 days.
He also forgets that every morning in the week, I wake up, do the teas, bottle for our son, do breakfast for everyone, change our sons nappy, get him ready for the day, start work for 8am, if our son has nursery I walk him there then log on for work when I get home, feed the dogs, do lunches, pick up son from nursery, do laundry and clean in between, bath our son, do the food shopping, do most of the cooking, all this still while working and still trying to make time for myself to have a shower etc, but I can't even get him to tidy the kitchen when I ask. He just wakes up, showers, goes to work and then comes home.

Last night he also annoyed me massively, he mentioned about changing our sons nappy, so when I said to him a bit later "did you change his nappy" his response... "you never asked me to" !!!!!!! - unfortunately I have found myself to have to ask him to do things and write him lists which just creates more work and stress for me. He doesn't ever do anything off his own back. I have been asking him to do this and that for years! Still leaves dirty laundry on the floor for days, we had to get a cleaner while I was in my first trimester because I was so ill so he didn't have to do anything then. I still had to do laundry and cook when I could.

He is very old fashioned, he is the main income, pays all the bills, I still work full time but I pay for food shopping, holidays, luxuries etc, but because he pays the bills he thinks he can come home and do as little as possible. I work 38 hours a week still but my job is a bit more flexible, he does work longer hours due to his job but is home evenings and weekends.

I just feel to the point where I can't keep arguing with him to help me anymore and tired of his excuses.

He spends a lot of time on his phone, work related at times but scrolls a lot on YouTube and does this when our son is awake still, when I tell him to come off his phone he doesn't seem to understand why if our son is playing or watching tv but I still don't agree with being on phones when little one is awake, but I'm always telling him to come off his phone. I'm always moaning at him and it's so tiring.

I hate the fact we have a son, have a baby on the way, but I really thought he would have helped me so much this pregnancy but it's been nothing but stress and tears.

Could I also just be more angry from hormones? I just don't know anymore and I feel so done with it all but I just don't know if I am over reacting.

Hey OP, just want to say you are doing an amazing job and it doesn’t sound easy. Ignore some of the judging mums about the bottles, it will be fine. Your husband’s behaviour is weaponised incompetence and completely unacceptable. I would be raging. I think it would be good to nip this in the bud before child 2 comes along. At this point couples councilling could be an option. Stay strong and to reiterate you are being a great mum for your kids!!

Re your mum -

It does seem that you didn't get the best childhood & upbringing yourself.

I see she's basically moved in?

Is she able to do childcare, housekeeping, contribute to household expenses etc, to relieve some of the burden on you?

Or does she expect to be an additional burden herself?

This. Lazy way out and not in the child’s best interest.

Please tell me you understand, without having to google, that you can not give tea in a bottle to a child.

Your husband is lazy, put your foot down.
Re: bottles for your son. My son was drinking out of cups by 3 but had a bottle last thing at night till he was 5 as he couldn’t break the habit and it was a comfort to him and as he was using a cup most of the time it didn’t bother me. The bottles disappeared the first play date he had when a friend he’d made at school came round and saw the bottles on the draining board and asked if he still drank out of a bottle? He said they ‘my Mum’s friend has a baby and she left them accidentally”. I stayed schtum. After his friend went home my son put the bottles in the bin himself. His teeth are perfect!

@2JFDIYOLO to go into detail my mum wasn't the issue. I grew up with an abusive dad who I no longer see, haven't seen him since I was 4, to then having a step dad who was the loveliest man ever and I still see him to this day but he was an alcoholic, to then my mum being with a narcissist who took cocaine daily - she only left him 2 years ago, her recent divorce was one of the reasons for us moving in together. I lived at home with mum mum until I got my first flat 4 years ago so it's a lot of abuse, screaming, arguing etc that I have had to grow up with. I think this is one reason why I let my husband get away with so much, because I do see it as "he isn't the worst in the world", but I do know he could be doing so much and that I sometimes deserve more.

But my mum helps where she can but I don't expect her to do too much, she's had a hard life, we moved her in for many reasons, one being that she has 0 bills to pay so what little money she gets, it's hers to go and live the life she never had and make up for lost time. She's also disabled, not majorly, but has days where she isn't as good as others. She has something called fibromyalgia which is very up and down. I could never rely on my mums help due to her condition and she made it clear that she wasn't going to be giving up her life to help me which I understand. Unfortunately my husbands mother is useless and his dad lives 4 hours away so support and help is very limited.

Just some quick thoughts. This sounds hard and you are trying your best in all of this. I think that when you try to talk to someone about an issue and they repeatedly don’t want to listen and/or change, you’ve hit a wall. So the options are to put up with it or make a change yourself ie leave. I understand the worry about your children and the idea of a broken home but I don’t think your DH brings any positive energy to the house. Children pick up on marital dynamic and may seek that out later because it’s familiar. It sounds like your DH’s behaviour is ongoing and unkind. I think better out than in. Best wishes

she made it clear that she wasn't going to be giving up her life to help me

But she's taking living rent free and bill free from the age of 58. Nice one, mum!

@Motherof1and2dogs I really thing you need to dig deep and find your spine and your anger x

@gangstasquirrel read one of my replies... my mum in the 90s when times weren't so strict and people weren't so judgemental, she literally put 2 teaspoons of her milky teas into my milk up until I was around 4 as I enjoyed it and was my comfort. I'm almost 31 years old, had a very tough upbringing as my last post so I'm not going to cry over the fact I used to have the smallest amount of tea in my milk.
I don't have any health issues and am very healthy, but just to clarify I don't give my son tea! I just said my mum used to give me this in a beaker when I was younger to explain to people that I still drunk from a beaker at age 4 and have no problems with my teeth or development. As for my son having milk in a bottle, I didn't ask for any advice regarding this. He enjoys his bottle, he won't drink it from a cup.

Is anyone actually on your side OP and working with you?
I can't see what any of them bring to the table if I am honest

Please don't have any more children with this man.

This. He won't change because he doesn't think caring for a child or cleaning up is his work. He thinks it's women's work. You call him traditional I call him selfish

He doesn't seem to care enough about you to make an effort and step up to his responsibilities. This is unlikely to change and will probably get worse. You will end up running yourself ragged after the children and him.

Is this what you want from your life? It strikes me that you have some thinking to do about what kind of future you want and a decision to make.

Of course he would drink from a cup if that was the only option 🤦‍♀️

It should also be noted milk isn’t actually necessary at this age, and anecdotal evidence and the “I was fine” culture is both irrelevant and damaging.

It isn’t about being strict or judgemental, it’s about keeping your child safe and healthy. Any loving mother should want to do that.

Spot on @MinnieBalloon

He’s not really a father or a partner, is he, OP? He’s a financial contributor to the household.

Way to kick a struggling woman while she's down!

Pussyfooting around doesn’t help anyone, and burying her head in the sand over the dangers to her child isn’t safe or healthy.

It never fails to shock me how cruel, judgemental and bitchy some people on here can be. Reading between the lines, OP has had a difficult childhood with poor parenting and no real role models. She's now struggling to support a toddler, her burdensome-sounding mother and a selfish and lazy husband while having a difficult pregnancy by the sounds of it. There is a time to lecture someone about child rearing as perfectly as you no doubt do it and this isn't it.

OP, you've been given lots of helpful advice here and so I won't add any more. All I'd say is that parenting affects the next generation if the cycle isn't broken. How would you feel if it were your daughter telling you this? You'd probably want to rip her husbands head off. This probably isn't the time to be thinkinf about doing it but please remember that single parent families are not the worst thing in the world. If children have one happy parent who can teach them respect for themselves instead of an unhappy skivvy for a mom, that child will be happier and more well-adjusted.

@MinnieBalloon what is wrong with drinking milk out of curiosity? I thought milk wasn't that bad, most people drink it or have it with cereal etc, including children. What is wrong with 6/7 ounces of a milk drink every morning. Everything I read in google just says no cows milk before 1 and has to be full fat before aged 5

Milk is fine @Motherof1and2dogs good for calcium and that's really important. A cup would be better for a 2 year old but milk is good.

This ^
by the way I didn’t read your whole post. In your situation I would kill him ( quietly to keep toddler away) at the washing bottle stage. And I wouldn’t regret about it.

@WanderingDreamingSpires thank you. Some of the messages have been very rude and a bit upsetting but nothing I am not used to. Very annoying though that you get pulled up on things that you didn't ask advice for but never mind.

You are right, I have enough here to read back on to help me make my decision and make me feel better about the situation, just want to make sure I'm doing the right thing that's all before I make such a huge decision as well, it's not an easy thing to have to go through, especially when you have tried to work on it, tried to solve the issue many times and been with the person for so long. Very scary situation to be in and I am a little scared to say the least but I know in the long run I will be less stressed. I know I will never be posting about my situation on here ever again and will keep it to myself going forward. Just sometimes having advice from strangers rather than family and friends can be better and not so one sided.

I think I will stop replying to anyone else that comments going forward as It is a lot of unnecessary back and fourth. I am having to explain myself over and over again and it's too much x

You mention that you were living with your mum until just 4 years ago @Motherof1and2dogs so in a very short period of time you've picked up a twat of a dh/dp, have a toddler and one on the way and now you are tied to a property which your mum shares; to cap it off you are also financially responsible for her.

It's never easy to make changes when change is needed but it feels like you are tied in knots here. The biggest handhold in the world for getting over this flu and for the mental and physical resilience you need to live the life you want and not what others are prescribing.

There’s nothing wrong with drinking milk It isn’t necessary, however.

There is something wrong with drinking it out of a bottle after the age of 1, as has been already stated.