AIBU? Not sure how else to title this!

[Motherof1and2dogs]

I am so sorry this is a long one but I have to explain clearly so you all understand. I have posted on here before about my husband and how selfish he can be and going by everyone's responses he was 100% in the wrong and I got so much support.

Something similar has happened again this morning and I just want to see if I am being unreasonable because I think this might now be the last time I can take it.

So it's a Sunday morning, I am working overtime today 9am-2pm, I am tracked on the amount of work I do so cannot have distractions. I am still recovering from an awful flu, I sound awful and still feel pretty rough, I am 17 weeks pregnant also but I have decided to still work today because it is from home.
I asked him to do our 2 year olds bottle this morning and he moaned about that, even more so when I said there wasn't any clean ones and he would have to wash one up by hand. He done it in the end but he still moaned about it. It annoys me the fact that the washing bowl is full of his dirty bottles and hasn't even thought to wash them all up for me - but as always, I'm expected to do it.

Usually when our son has his bottle in the morning we would have a tea in bed to start our day but he asked me to make the tea this morning as well so he could to a to do list which I did to help him out because that's what your supposed to do in a relationship.
I then asked him to clean the kitchen for me today because it is a mess, his exact words "no you can do that today because I need to crack on with the garden" I said to him that the garden can wait and it will take him 15 minutes to do the kitchen and I have work today. He then said "well I need to get the garden done before the gender reveal otherwise it won't get done" (the gender reveal is on the 1st March, we have plenty of time to do it and the funny thing is we can't even do anything in the garden until he gets top soil and grass which we don't even have yet.)
He fails to forget we have a 2 year old toddler and I am working overtime for extra money today but because I work from home full time and he is so used to me having our son while I work and doing absolutely everything he still things it's ok for him to be left with me today. It's unfair as I with overtime I can't give my son my full attention. Overtime is different to weekday work. Plus he goes nursery now 2 days a week which helps massively but I juggle the other 3 days.
He also forgets that every morning in the week, I wake up, do the teas, bottle for our son, do breakfast for everyone, change our sons nappy, get him ready for the day, start work for 8am, if our son has nursery I walk him there then log on for work when I get home, feed the dogs, do lunches, pick up son from nursery, do laundry and clean in between, bath our son, do the food shopping, do most of the cooking, all this still while working and still trying to make time for myself to have a shower etc, but I can't even get him to tidy the kitchen when I ask. He just wakes up, showers, goes to work and then comes home.

Last night he also annoyed me massively, he mentioned about changing our sons nappy, so when I said to him a bit later "did you change his nappy" his response... "you never asked me to" !!!!!!! - unfortunately I have found myself to have to ask him to do things and write him lists which just creates more work and stress for me. He doesn't ever do anything off his own back. I have been asking him to do this and that for years! Still leaves dirty laundry on the floor for days, we had to get a cleaner while I was in my first trimester because I was so ill so he didn't have to do anything then. I still had to do laundry and cook when I could.

He is very old fashioned, he is the main income, pays all the bills, I still work full time but I pay for food shopping, holidays, luxuries etc, but because he pays the bills he thinks he can come home and do as little as possible. I work 38 hours a week still but my job is a bit more flexible, he does work longer hours due to his job but is home evenings and weekends.

I just feel to the point where I can't keep arguing with him to help me anymore and tired of his excuses.

He spends a lot of time on his phone, work related at times but scrolls a lot on YouTube and does this when our son is awake still, when I tell him to come off his phone he doesn't seem to understand why if our son is playing or watching tv but I still don't agree with being on phones when little one is awake, but I'm always telling him to come off his phone. I'm always moaning at him and it's so tiring.

I hate the fact we have a son, have a baby on the way, but I really thought he would have helped me so much this pregnancy but it's been nothing but stress and tears.

Could I also just be more angry from hormones? I just don't know anymore and I feel so done with it all but I just don't know if I am over reacting.

It isn’t necessary to be judgy and mean on mumsnet either… but hey here you are.

Well of course I’m going to be judgemental when parents do something that negatively affects their children, especially when it has long term health consequences.

Drinking milk isn’t the problem. Bottles after the age of 1 is the problem.

Yes but it should be a sippy cup by now.

@MildredSauce just to clarify I have been with my husband 9 years, but we lived with our parents until 2021. I am aware of all of this also. Lots to think about and consider

Ok here is what I think: stop paying anything for the household from your money and just pay for someone to cook and clean while you work. All the other things you used to pay for can come out if dh’s salary. Try to move your mother into assisted living or council housing because when and if you decide to make a move finding housing for her and you and the children will be impossible. Aldo stop picking up extra work: your dh is sabotaging it. Unless you are siphoning that money out into your “runaway” fund its not worth it.

Sorry it sounds like you know he's a dickhead but are surprised that said dickhead behaves like a dickhead? Did you post previously about him more or less than 17 weeks ago?

FIRST THING: Change your thoughts process and notice that you say you ask him to clean the kitchen "for me", do the bottles "for me"

It's not just him who has assigned all of these jobs for you. You've done it. You think you're asking him to do things that are your jobs, for you, as a favour. They aren't "your" jobs in the first place. Question everything you assume about your role in the household.

You could just say you realised in the interim that gender reveals were feckin stupid?

As you work full-time as well, and you think him paying all the household bills is part of the problem with his entitlement, just split the household bills 50:50. When it comes to holidays, make that 50:50 as well. Give yourself an equal footing with the finances. As for the household stuff, tell him you need to focus, quite rightly, on your young child at the moment, so he needs to do the rest. This is going to be the case when you have your baby too. Or, you do the household chores and he looks after his child. You both work full time. I wouldn't be taking on more than my fair share.

So bearing in mind all of that, it’s hardly surprising that within a large community of (mainly) women, we hear quite a few stories of contraceptive failure.

Except in this instance it would seem there wasn't a failure, there was none being used.

He always hits me with "without me you would be screwed" because of how much he pays compared to me

This alone would have me running for the hills. Why would someone speak to their partner that way? It shows a complete lack of respect and is not what you'd say to someone you love.

I just keep picturing the second child asking why they never had what the first had and me not being able to answer them, sort of like they are second favourite so I feel like I have to have one to keep it fair.

This very likely won't happen. It's also impossible to treat every child exactly the same so getting out of the mindset now would be beneficial to you.

I agree. Also, the "gender reveal" isn't actually for the child, and has zero impact on them or their future.

So weird - you talk about the 90s as if they were another world. Newsflash - no one but your mum gave their little kids tea in the 90s and the way you call it your 'comfort' makes it sound like giving kids gin in Victorian times. Bonkers. So on the one hand you have this idea that the 90s were ye olde tea-for-kids times, yet you're persisting with this notion your DH is merely 'old fashioned' for his sexist pig ideas which haven't been acceptable in decades. You sound all over the place and I worry with another kid in the mix, things are just going to slide.

Right. That feels very complex and as a couple you've only had a very limited time on your own?

I get your mum is not interested in helping you and the household but how does she feel about how you're coping right now and how your DH speaks to you?

Maybe things have changed now - but I used to put my daughters bottles in my dishwasher once she hit 1 and you used to be able to buy a cage thing for all the teats to keep them safe and away from everything else.
I understand about the gender reveal - I guess it depends on your energy levels. Not something that ever happens in UK so they’re not that important. Certainly when you get to the point when awkward questions are being asked by your kids many many other things will have happened by then and you will have had 5 - 6 years to compensate or come up with another idea. Whereas now you sound exhausted x

The 90s really were like another world though, so much is different now!

I and most other parents I knew at the time gave my babies tea in the 90s. Weak milky tea, decaf tea, herbal tea, I even bought baby chamomile tea from Boots!

@pinkdelight I'm assuming you were a parent in the 90s, otherwise why else would you be commenting on parenting on the 90s, so perhaps giving tea to babies depended on the area?

Your mother's younger than I am. Please
don't take on responsibility for her, too.

Your husband isn't old fashioned.
This is a man who has 21st century misogynistic selfish ideas and habits. Which you've gone along with.

You toddler & baby and your own health come first.

I hope you've notified that you are taking sick leave and set your alarm for tomorrow to get a GP appointment!

And taken the sensible decision to cancel the gender reveal. Even the woman who invented them wishes she hadn't. Tell child 2 they were a stupid fashion that was a waste of money, and so you bought them presents instead.

You lost me at Gender reveal.