AIBU? Not sure how else to title this!

[Motherof1and2dogs]

I am so sorry this is a long one but I have to explain clearly so you all understand. I have posted on here before about my husband and how selfish he can be and going by everyone's responses he was 100% in the wrong and I got so much support.

Something similar has happened again this morning and I just want to see if I am being unreasonable because I think this might now be the last time I can take it.

So it's a Sunday morning, I am working overtime today 9am-2pm, I am tracked on the amount of work I do so cannot have distractions. I am still recovering from an awful flu, I sound awful and still feel pretty rough, I am 17 weeks pregnant also but I have decided to still work today because it is from home.
I asked him to do our 2 year olds bottle this morning and he moaned about that, even more so when I said there wasn't any clean ones and he would have to wash one up by hand. He done it in the end but he still moaned about it. It annoys me the fact that the washing bowl is full of his dirty bottles and hasn't even thought to wash them all up for me - but as always, I'm expected to do it.

Usually when our son has his bottle in the morning we would have a tea in bed to start our day but he asked me to make the tea this morning as well so he could to a to do list which I did to help him out because that's what your supposed to do in a relationship.
I then asked him to clean the kitchen for me today because it is a mess, his exact words "no you can do that today because I need to crack on with the garden" I said to him that the garden can wait and it will take him 15 minutes to do the kitchen and I have work today. He then said "well I need to get the garden done before the gender reveal otherwise it won't get done" (the gender reveal is on the 1st March, we have plenty of time to do it and the funny thing is we can't even do anything in the garden until he gets top soil and grass which we don't even have yet.)
He fails to forget we have a 2 year old toddler and I am working overtime for extra money today but because I work from home full time and he is so used to me having our son while I work and doing absolutely everything he still things it's ok for him to be left with me today. It's unfair as I with overtime I can't give my son my full attention. Overtime is different to weekday work. Plus he goes nursery now 2 days a week which helps massively but I juggle the other 3 days.
He also forgets that every morning in the week, I wake up, do the teas, bottle for our son, do breakfast for everyone, change our sons nappy, get him ready for the day, start work for 8am, if our son has nursery I walk him there then log on for work when I get home, feed the dogs, do lunches, pick up son from nursery, do laundry and clean in between, bath our son, do the food shopping, do most of the cooking, all this still while working and still trying to make time for myself to have a shower etc, but I can't even get him to tidy the kitchen when I ask. He just wakes up, showers, goes to work and then comes home.

Last night he also annoyed me massively, he mentioned about changing our sons nappy, so when I said to him a bit later "did you change his nappy" his response... "you never asked me to" !!!!!!! - unfortunately I have found myself to have to ask him to do things and write him lists which just creates more work and stress for me. He doesn't ever do anything off his own back. I have been asking him to do this and that for years! Still leaves dirty laundry on the floor for days, we had to get a cleaner while I was in my first trimester because I was so ill so he didn't have to do anything then. I still had to do laundry and cook when I could.

He is very old fashioned, he is the main income, pays all the bills, I still work full time but I pay for food shopping, holidays, luxuries etc, but because he pays the bills he thinks he can come home and do as little as possible. I work 38 hours a week still but my job is a bit more flexible, he does work longer hours due to his job but is home evenings and weekends.

I just feel to the point where I can't keep arguing with him to help me anymore and tired of his excuses.

He spends a lot of time on his phone, work related at times but scrolls a lot on YouTube and does this when our son is awake still, when I tell him to come off his phone he doesn't seem to understand why if our son is playing or watching tv but I still don't agree with being on phones when little one is awake, but I'm always telling him to come off his phone. I'm always moaning at him and it's so tiring.

I hate the fact we have a son, have a baby on the way, but I really thought he would have helped me so much this pregnancy but it's been nothing but stress and tears.

Could I also just be more angry from hormones? I just don't know anymore and I feel so done with it all but I just don't know if I am over reacting.

@Motherof1and2dogs What remote work from home job has the perk of overtime?

Nobody said he shouldn’t have milk. He shouldn’t have bottles.

He can drink milk from a cup just fine and your “little routine” will be the same.

You’re “fine with that” because you don’t want the tantrum or the effort of switching the milk into something else, so instead you’re happy for his teeth to be at risk and his oral development to be delayed.

I've read up page 2 and am appalled at how many people have piled on the OP.
MN can be an awful place sometimes.
OP - he won't change if everything around him stays the same. YOU have to change in some way so that he has to react differently.
Eg - make a list of all the jobs that need doing; include 'going to work', plus all the things you listed above - everything to do with your toddler, plus all the housework jobs and the garden and the car etc
It will be a long list. Then you have to make him discuss who is going to do what. What is a daily (2x or 3x) task, what is weekly etc. Until it is fair.
Two adults (parents) sharing a home need to pull their weight equally.
If he won't do this, or even try it, you know what to do.
Good luck.

Kids learn from their parents. So while they might not have a broken home, your DS will start to model his dad's behaviour and have 'old fashioned' expectations in his own relationships as that's what he sees at home. And you may well end up looking after two man children as he gets older. If your second is a girl, then she'll grow up learning that it's expected for women to do all the work. In old fashioned relationships, men worked and women stayed at home and tended house. So even if he's old fashioned, it's just code for being mysogenistic as you both work full time. Difference is you tend house and kids too. Don't let him get away with it. Kids are young enough that if he can change his behaviour then they won't be influenced by his sexist ways, and if he can't or won't change, leave.

It's hard, but if you want change, it has to start with you. The way you think, feel, speak, behave. If you continue as you are, nothing will change.

Stop saying things like 'clean the kitchen for me'. That's just reinforcing his belief that this is your job.

Do a clear headed review of EVERYTHING you do and are trying to do every hour of the day.

Consider them as essential, useful, nice to have. What's really necessary for health, hygiene, sanity, etc.

Tidying the garden is a nice, cleaning child's bottles is an essential.

And for goodness sake, cancel the gender reveal. It's just one more piece of pointless expensive and stressful new wifework, like Christmas eve boxes, elf on the shelf ...

Tell everyone when the baby's born like we always did for thousands of years!

And take some sick leave. You're SICK. Rest and recuperation is what will help you recover from a viral infection. Not overtime. Save money on that gender reveal.

@MinnieBalloon sorry I didn't know any of this. I used to drink milk and then went onto a very very weak tea from a bottle up to the age of 4 and my teeth are absolutely fine. It was my comfort for years. I didn't think this was an issue, no one told me anything before about no bottles and it's not something I would have thought to google as I am just going by things my mum done for me

Please stop using the term broken home, christ we arent in the 50s anymore.

@supersop60 thank you. the worst part is all I asked was if am I being unreasonable and I am being judged for my LO still drinking from a bottle, why I had sex in the first place, my poor children, my job, I'm lazy etc. like I am the worst person and mother in the world when I work so hard and do my absolute best with very little support.
I knew I would get this though but it's ok. I think a list is a good idea, just need to see if he would stick to it I guess. I do think a cleaner would be a huge help for me but not sure this would resolve the issues.

Would counselling help?
It's not your fault. It sounds as if he just doesn't respect you, or feel as if house work and parenting aren't his responsibility.
A gender reveal party will be your responsibility, your efforts and your work. Cancel it.

Why does anyone need to tell you?

Your mum doing it and you “being fine” does not make it okay.

Bottles are recommended to be gone by the age of 1 because it is bad for their oral development, their teeth, their speech and language etc.

I have never even given a bottle, have exclusively breastfed two children, and even I know this without googling it.

And for the love of god don’t give your young kid tea ffs 🤦‍♀️

I hope you’re aware of the other changes in child development, health and safety and aren’t just blindly following what your mum did. For example, ERF, safe sleep etc.

Ok, just park the bottle issue. You're pregnant now, you can't go back in time. Just think about the future and what you want for your children. Do you want them raised in this environment where he talks to you like this and behaves like this?

If you are struggling with your child and the bottle etc, get support from a HV.

He always hits me with "without me you would be screwed" because of how much he pays compared to me

Ah there it is, buried under the rest of the weight. Threatening, scornful, disrespectful, controlling.

You're married. You have rights. Never believe what abusive men tell you about your rights. You would not be screwed - you and your children would be entitled.

@soloula this is very true and one of my biggest worries. I always tell him this but he doesn't seem to care or he forgets. I don't want his personality to rub off on my sons at all, he has anger issues also and terrible language and shouts an awful lot when I try to communicate, I know gifts aren't important but to even get some flowers once in a while would be a lovely gesture to show he appreciates what I do and I want my son to grow up to see these things, to help when I don't ask, arrange days out as a surprise etc. I'm just so tired of asking for absolutely everything. I don't know why I am holding on, I know he won't change, but it just upsets me that I will never have the family I always wanted.

@MinnieBalloon when I say tea it was literally like 2 tables spoons of her milky tea mixed in with milk and I would drink it from a beaker. It was my comfort. This was the early 90s so I don't think things were as strict back then.
But I honestly didn't know about the bottles.

Thanks for this reply @Motherof1and2dogs . IMO it tells us a lot about you. In a few paragraphs you've smoothed previous issues, and told us it's all OK.

But it isn't and you are an anxious, overstretched woman who is balancing a great deal.

You've said before you take a lot, and then you blow. Would you say you are a people pleaser/anything for a quiet life?

@MildredSauce 100% me, I hate to say No. I've always been too kind and too forgiving.
I think a lot of it is to do with my upbringing and what I went through potentially. I am a huge softy with a lot of emotion. I'm clinging onto a family that I never had as a child. But I do want an easy life and I am a people pleaser no doubt, but I know I'm not getting an easy life and I can be my own worst enemy

It sounds very much as if you need some support. Both to manage your current situation, and to get out of it.
Do you have anywhere to go?

OP, please take a week off sick. You're sick. You're recovering from a viral infection. You can't speak properly. You're pregnant. You're exhausted. (Do they know this at work?)

If your manager is approachable, ask for a 1-1 when you get back and confide in them. We can't know what your work culture is - I hope it's supportive. How does maternity leave work there?

If evidence is necessary, could you call the GP first thing tomorrow and ask for a sick note? Do these exist??

Your health is vital. Take a pause, to rest, recover - and think.

Now you've cleared your week, time to see more clearly.

Do that review of everything you do and have that conversation with him.

See what changes can be made that will make life easier. Maybe making that shift to cups for your toddler would be wise, as has been advised here.

Get an appointment with a solicitor who does free / reasonable short consultations and find out your rights from the law's point of view, rather than have him try to influence you.

Without you he would be screwed!

You are doing the vast majority of housework, childcare and lifradmin for him and your whole family.

Don't let him convince you of this, you would actually be better of without him but I can't see him managing looking after the children even EOW.

You are obviously fine living like this, because you keep posting but never do anything about it (except getting pregnant again).

It’s your life. Good luck.

Am I overreacting by getting a bit upset over this | Mumsnet
but I really thought he would have helped me so much this pregnancy but it's been nothing but stress and tears.

It's not help, it's stepping up and behaving like a parent.

@gangstasquirrel obviously not, but every time something happens, we argue, we talk, he says he will change, then it happens again. It's a big thing for me to consider a divorce, being a single mum, lots of big change, I just want to be sure it's the right thing to do. I'm clinging on to something so have always wanted, a family, I am so desperate to keep trying but is it even worth my time. I feel very lost to say the least and just need some advice and guidance. That's all

You're just a few months into living in a multi generational household with your mum in an (non self contained) annexe.

how does she support the fanily she has been invited to live with and what does she say to how you're being treated and how you're acting?

What a horrible, waste of space man. Poor kids.

He'll have to learn how to look after his own children pretty soon, when he's having them on the weekends after you kick him out.