“I find women too difficult”

[calvermegan]

Having a conversation at work about funny house share stories. I mentioned I lived with 6 other girls during my uni years (we got on great and are still friends now).

Colleague said I’d hate that as I just find women so difficult and they always dislike me. Colleague is female and constantly says how well she gets on with men.

Aibu to think saying this is just bizarre? All men and all women are not the same. I’m not going to like or dislike you based on your gender.

I found it difficult to socialise and make friends with women when younger because I’d been badly bullied by girls at school. I think I have grown out of it by now though.

Surely it's someone's personality that you click with. I get on with men and women. My first house share was 8 girls and it was the best craic. The majority of us are still good friends 25 years later. I also house shared with men & women which was good too. Men (not all) tend to be worse at chipping in with the chores though.

Except for my group of female school friends who I only see a couple of times a year now, all my friends are either lesbians or men who are more on the feminine end of the male spectrum. I suppose this says to me that I don't connect well with the two ends of the spectrum that are more stereotypically female/male. It certainly isn't "pick me" and I do really like people of my own sex, it's just that they don't choose me as their friend and vice versa.

If all women dislike her, then she is clearly the issue.

Many of my school friends were male, but the ones I’ve kept in touch with (over 40 years) are female. I find my friendships with women to be deeper in the long run. I have male work friends who I value though too.

The pick a camp people irritate me- just be friends with people you like!!

I hate these generalisations.
There are men and women that I really like and trust. There are men and women who I think are twats.

As a younger woman, I might have said that I preferred men's company (I can't remember if I ever did say it, but it sounds like the sort of thing I'd have said as a 20 something). But as a mother, and now a menopausal woman, the company of other women- especially feminists- is something I really value. There is something very special for me about time spent exclusively with other women. There's no bitching or screeching or any of the other things mentioned on this thread (to those people, I would suggest just finding nicer women to make friends with).

I've never lived in a house share but if I did would probably opt to share with women purely because men are- overall- more of a risk to me than women are.

The issue isn't that she feels that way, it's the fact she feels the need to repeatedly tell female colleagues that she prefers blokes and finds women 'difficult'. What positive outcome does she hope to get out of saying it? No woman is going to want to be friends with her after that. She seems to have a massive lack of self awareness.

Also LOL @ the suggestion that women 'only look after themselves'. That'll be why the majority of childcare is done by women then? And the reason the caring professions (nursing, teaching etc) are overwhelmingly female dominated. Many women spend large parts of their lives looking after other people.

Sometimes it's a (maladaptive) defence mechanism that becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

I’m not bothered about her being friends with you.

The concept of this thread is lost on you though unfortunately. I don’t care if you have 1 male friend or 100 male friends.

What I find odd which is “pick me” is labelling all women as “difficult” or bitchy, screechy and that you (not personally you) see yourself as different to every other woman in existence.

Here's some food for thought for all the "let's laugh at the pick me woman brigade" .

1. A lot of the women who say things like these tend to be neurodiverse. While that's not the fault of other women, it has nothing to do with men or being a pick me either.

1. Our experiences do shape us and some women have had the misfortune of encountering damaging and toxic female role models/peers/relationships . The more this happens, the more ideas like "women don't like me" or "I'm not like other women" get ingrained. Again, not the fault of women the world over, but it has nothing to do with men or being a pick me.

1. Some women and girls,particularly younger ones, see being "one of the guys" as an added layer of protection. Completely deluded of course, but trauma responses aren't always rational or healthy. Not the fault of women, and everything to do with men. However the "pick me " side is "pick me to be safe" /see me as one of you rather than the object of their affection/admiration/sexual urges /whatever.

Of course, being treated like a stupid , airheaded bimbo that is some inferior type of woman , being laughed and sniggered at , doesn't help . Round and round it goes.

I'd be curious to know the women who believe men are more upfront, honest and less devious think about how men talk about women behind their back..it goes quite a bit beyond "bitchy".

It was eye opening at uni when I saw messages between my two 'lovely' best male friends at uni, how they didn't really give a shit about my company, but were intrigued if they could get me drunk enough to do stuff to me.

My women friends are wonderful. I'm sorry that some people aren't likeable enough to sustain these amazing, supportive, and meaningful bonds with each other.

If she's quite young and immature it could be her way of attempting to seem like a 'cool girl'. But who would think it suitable to tell a bunch of women you don't get on with them? I think I'd be giving someone like that a bit of a wide berth.

If she'd phrased it more diplomatic, like 'oh, I've lived in female only flat shares and it's been a disaster'. More neutral, not blaming others, and if she had that experience fair enough to voice it.

But not as if she actually hates all other women and they feel the same. And that men are absolute heroes in brutal contrast?! 🤣

I'm sorry that some people aren't likeable enough to sustain these amazing, supportive, and meaningful bonds with each other.

Perfect example of "supportive". So all women without friends or "wonderful " friends are simply just not likeable enough?

How come generalisations are only frowned upon one way?

This was in my mid 20s and the men were similar age in the office. They used to email different women and bcc their mates in and dare each other to say things and laugh at the women’s responses.

One of these men left the business and moved countries and made up a fake email account, emailed everyone at work exposing gossip at work. That’s holding a grudge.

I’ve also met toxic women. One became my friend and used me like a cash machine, and then pretended she had cancer to get time off work.

My point is that there’s shitty men and women out there. But the friendships I now have are based on that person and their gender is irrelevant to me - I’m not writing off anyone without knowing them purely because they are male/female.

Honestly - yes. If you aren't friendly, likeable, you don't take an interest in other people, dont make them feel comfortable, aren't warm and inviting, it's harder to sustain friendships. Doesn't mean you aren't a good person, but being likeable tends to mean you are well liked. Therefore, people want to be your friend. Why is that a hard concept?

All my friends are likeable people, i wouldn't want to spend time with them if I didn't think that.

Sometimes it's circumstantial of course, that you just haven't been in the right time/place to make friends. But for the most part, people who claim other people are 'hard work', are usually hard work themselves.

@Babybaby2025

And yet somehow, bullied(of whatever sex or age) are almost never loners and have fairly large friendship groups and active social lives. How does that work?

That’s so awful, for you. Yes, sometimes male “banter” can be really off. I was once told to relax because I objected to some of the men in the group I was with, who kept commenting and saying some really inappropriate things about other random women, in the pub we were in. And scoring them out of 10 for looks. I was told it’s boys being boys, that it was just lads banter, and nothing to get upset about etc etc. It felt so icky. Felt very uncomfortable around these men.

@BlueSilverCats at school maybe. When it's 'cool' to be mean. For boys the bullies thought it was cool to harass girls and female teachers, attack each other, call girls slags. For girls, they thought it was cool to act stuck up, and spread rumours. Most of these people grow up to have miserable lives with no meaningful friendships, some grow out of it.

Adult bullying groups exist, but they are friendships of convenience, men want other men to validate their aggressive hateful ways, and women want other women to validate their hateful ways. Their friendships are volatile and not close and meaningful.

Where as friendly, kind people, will attract other friendly kind people, and sustain meaningful and supportive friendship groups based on shared interests, humour, compassion and companionship.

I'm also not sure the 'I was bullied by x sex, so I avoid them' really works as a reason. Like I said upthread, I was bullied horribly by some boys in primary, who then continued into high school. Didn't put me off other boys and men though. I was also bullied by girls. As were lots of other kids.
Looking back, I was a bit of a weird kid and seen as a swot (certain death)and definitel...stumbled with social interactions. It just meant that the friends I found/ that found me tended to be at the nicer end of people.

I wonder sometimes, if it's wanting to be friends with certain groups who just aren't your people that leads to feeling isolated or that all x type of people are horrible.

She has cool girl syndrome otherwise known as internalised misogyny.

Women are socialised to compete against each other, we don't need to.

Yup. And if a man was to rate a women "1 out of 10" and say something like "im not a fan of porkies but i would do her if drunk" it's banter, but if a woman says "she does seem to have put on some weight", she's a judgmental bitch.

OMG thank you. Am dying laughing at the vision of a physicist spending a whole summer looking at a lawn. You have made my day .... probably month 😁

@Babybaby2025

Adult bullying groups exist, but they are friendships of convenience, men want other men to validate their aggressive hateful ways, and women want other women to validate their hateful ways. Their friendships are volatile and not close and meaningful.

You'd think so, but my experience says otherwise. I don't do (big )groups of either sex or mixed , because it's not my thing, so no skin off my nose.

Also, on the topic of wonderful, supportive groups I have a different perspective too. Since I do mostly 1 to 1, I'm friends/friendly with most women in the group, but not actively in the group. From the outside it is indeed wonderful, full of love and supportive. They're sisters, they love each other so much bla bla bla. On a 1 to 1 (which happens a lot because I'm on the "outside" and they also know I don't gossip) though? There is not one woman in that group that doesn't moan/complain about the others or judge them. "Oh I love Sally, don't get me wrong , but she's useless at her job!" , "Marie will never find a man if she keeps going like that." , "Ughhh I have to babysit Jo's kids again, they're a nightmare. That woman needs to learn to tell them no!" , " Susan is getting fat/thin/too much makeup/no makeup." , " OMG , Elizabeth got so drunk last night , she did x,y,z and I had to take her home. How annoying/pathetic." . And so on. The men aren't much different either btw, so I don't think it's necessarily a woman thing, more of a people thing.

Some women do avoid men (most men) after several negative experiences with them. Do you doubt them as well and tell them their experiences aren't a good enough reason?

So to sum up: men say it as it is, they are more laid back, they don’t hold grudges, they are more straight forward in their dealings with others etc etc all lovely dovey.

And yet look at who is running this planet right now? It’s all men. All these men running their countries, many of which are dictatorships, many other countries heading towards dictatorships, far right or otherwise who’s many leaders have started wars, conflicts, or who are about to start other wars, and other conflict causing more suffering more pain, more chaos. The very richest people on this planet are men, who are already trying to create problems on global scale because of the power and influence that their money affords them. And so many more examples.

But not all men are like this, very obviously, in the same way not all women are bitchy and self serving. A human is human first, and then every thing else follows.