Fed up of mils rules in show home it's ridiculous

[ShowHouse]

I'm absolutely fed up of going to mils and feeling totally constrained by the atmosphere and feelings in the house. I think it's crossing a line where I don't want to visit anymore.

Examples she stands over us to watch us taking our shoes off and I feel she's enjoying it like a control thing.
We can't freely say go into the snug or wander around we are directed by fil to a table.
Then we have a fan fare of tea and her cake where she comments on crumbs and how we mustn't damage her stuff.
Every move feels watched, dh could never go into the fridge for instance or make tea our visits our "managed".
I feel completely at home at my dp and don't feel any constraints at all, I would walk in and make dm tea etc.

She's also complained about dd jumping off a sofa and other dc and I just think why bother.

Oh FFS that’s what a hoover is for! Houses are for living in - unless you eat off your floors?

Oh I get that… then you could put it down to a particular aspect as opposed to how she treats you in general. Life is too short OP I honestly wouldn’t go back and I’d tell her why. I’d feel so stressed out waiting for the next time I had to go. That’s horrible.

OK but to me that's quite bizarre. Is your son still very young? None of our parents live in our childhood homes and though we are made to feel very welcome when we visit them we are most definitely visiting their home not ours.

This.

How old are DC? I'm wondering if your teens are jumping off sofas :-)

Stop visiting or tell your partner to go on his own.
Just dont go.
Let him deal with his mother with the children.

Yeah, well I'm with your MIL on this and any time I've had friends with children visit, the kids have behaved perfectly OK without being told to by me.

They sound just like DH's sisters. Except MIL kept a Grubby house and tried to encourage my dc to play ball in the house. My DC grew up in a pretty immaculate house. Both brought me home firsts: one from Oxford, the other from Cambridge.

Yes my son is young but I'm 30s and my parents are 50/60s and I walk into "their" home and make a cup of tea or have a poo and dont need to sit awkwardly and formally. Yes it obviously their bricks and water but I'm perfectly at home and content in there. Your parents home should be your safe haven. I know when I'm older and hopefully my son comes in with his family that they feel at home enough to check out my fridge for snacks or stick the kettle on (I'd be genuinely mortified if they felt they had to sit formally like they were in a strangers house or a formal restaurant.)

I think some people ARE controlling like this OP, it's a weird way of trying to make you feel inferior, as well as serving their own compulsive behaviours and attitudes. Not to say we should all jump on furniture or cause chaos, but I would say limit your time there. Meet out and about or at your house where possible. Or have a definite leaving time if you can't escape it. Nothing worse than being trapped in someone else's house.

If I had visitors who let their kids clamber on the furniture & jump off I'd watch them like a hawk.

For the rest of the visit. They would not be invited back.

Why does everyone you know have ugly smelly feet is what I'd want to know 🤣🤣

I'm going to be MIL to six children at some point.
I love them, my home has been their home for decades and should they need it there will always be their bedroom here and a family home for them.
Their spouses and children will always be loved and welcome too of course,
However, I do want shoes off at the door, and I don't want children jumping off my furniture.
We can walk the dogs in the woods or on the beach, we can play and bake and have lots of fun.....but there are boundaries.
I would expect my children and their partners to recognise this

I would offer to make a cup of tea or coffee for everyone but I wouldn’t just help myself whether it was my parents or my PIL. it’s not my home. My children have never had carte blanche to help themselves to whatever they want whenever they wanted it, they would always ask first.
Each to their own.

Christ what on earth is bizarre about it? I wouldnt even use the word 'visiting' which indicates something formal, we pop in to each others houses a few times a week. That's just what close family do.
It sounds like maybe you are hours away from family or only see each other a few times a year (inevitably not very close) so you have a relationship that is more akin to distant family.

To me home is where your family are and it should never feel awkward. My parents have moved house but it's still my home cause they are there. My house will always be my sons home cause he grew up there with us. It's your choice to be like this with your family but it's not bizarre for family to love and feel comfortable together 😂

@makemeanoffericantrefuse so would you turn a blind eye to one of the 6 calmly climbing on a sofa and think usually they are good kids I won't say anything or making it into a thing?

Repeatedly badly behaved dc I get mine are not

Also regarding all the pushback you are getting on here, OP, remember that MN isn't necessarily representative of real life. Lots of pearl clutching and disgust at perfectly normal ways of being and behaving! Some people change their bedsheets daily, deep clean their entire house every day and live in a perfect, sterile world. I don't think the levels of perfection a lot of people on MN aim at are healthy. I think it's disordered, in the same way that some extreme diets are.

Omg yes this post has been a massive eye opener for me I actually didnt realise people were so anal about their own families or 'visitors' (as I've now been told some people actually refer to their parents and children as.)

It makes me sad that so many people are likely missing out on relationships because they're worried about shoes or guarding their kettles and snack cupboars from nefarious relations.

I don't know if this is a generational thing per say, maybe older women were told keeping a perfect home was mega important? But I'm glad its phasing out

She does sound rather uptight but maybe there is a reason in her own upbringing and past experiences that has made her feel she needs to be in control and keep chaos at bay in her home. Maybe it would be good if you could all meet up outdoors or somewhere neutral, a relaxed setting, in the hope that she wouldn't feel so responsible for keeping the environment orderly?

@ShowHouse
I wouldn't make it into 'a thing' as you put it.
I'm actually quite relaxed, I love kids and seeing them happy.
However I would expect their parent to be aware of their behaviour and ensure they behaved disrespectfully.

Same with mine, plus middle-aged SIL lives with them and is even worse. Absolute nightmare, we don't live far away but rarely visit. A million 'rules' that are more like traps. You come away feeling dirty (we aren't!) and I don't want DC to pick up this feeling. It isn't just our DC, their older cousins also get it from SIL.

Rules include not walking on the grass, not touching any windows (big glass patio doors with a touch point to open plus other sliding doors, so not straightforward for kids), sitting at the table is a nightmare. They live like recluses in their painfully tidy house, enveloped in a fog of chemical cleaners (our house isn't dirty, but when we visit theirs you can smell the cleaning products from the street). I wonder if there is elder abuse as SIL has serious MH issues, no treatment and a foul temper. DH has his head in the sand and tries to deny it all. I was sympathetic at first but have had enough of the lot of them. They are malicious liars, who enjoy playing mind games. No idea what went so badly wrong in the family.

Ha respectfully!!! Obvs :)

Yes perhaps generational, or maybe just some personalities are more prone, but I don't think you become that anal without something happening in childhood or some mental issues or even just familial or societal pressures to be perfect - society is constantly trying to sell us lifestyle stuff, perfect homes etc.

People have forgotten how to relax. I don't think Mumsnet or Mrs Hinch type personalities help either. And the bombardment of cleaning products on TV and so on that are sold to us for "perfect cleaning" but in reality really unhealthy for us to use.

I'm not saying having a clean house is bad, but overworking yourself and controlling the behaviour of others to a crazy degree in order to have a clean house always over positive family relationships is madness!

Ha, I sometimes wonder whether we should turn up in hazmat suits to see MIL who lives with SIL who is even worse. Trouble is it would probably become a totally expected thing to SIL and we wouldn't be allowed to turn up unless clad in hazmat suits... they would probably escalate it to spraying us with disinfectant. PIL basically have no relationship with (well-behaved) GC.

My in-laws are exactly like this, I don’t go. Feel completely scrutinised. Their food is mean and their chat is crap. We’re a generous vibrant household who love to entertain, we make peope very welcome indeed. I just feel insulted at the way they carry on.

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