Fed up of mils rules in show home it's ridiculous

[ShowHouse]

I'm absolutely fed up of going to mils and feeling totally constrained by the atmosphere and feelings in the house. I think it's crossing a line where I don't want to visit anymore.

Examples she stands over us to watch us taking our shoes off and I feel she's enjoying it like a control thing.
We can't freely say go into the snug or wander around we are directed by fil to a table.
Then we have a fan fare of tea and her cake where she comments on crumbs and how we mustn't damage her stuff.
Every move feels watched, dh could never go into the fridge for instance or make tea our visits our "managed".
I feel completely at home at my dp and don't feel any constraints at all, I would walk in and make dm tea etc.

She's also complained about dd jumping off a sofa and other dc and I just think why bother.

@Bababear987 dh knows his place she doesn't need to guard it as much he wouldn't dare.

It just means we can't be comfortable there and let's say two hours in I would pop the kettle on, I can't and dh can't either so I sit there thirsty.

I wonder some people in these strict homes, would you be relieved if we turned up with plastic sheets and bibs attached and beakers so your home remained absolutely pristine? Dc on reigns maybe?

My Ds, DDil and 2 Dgc come and stay over our place at least once a month for a night or 2. It’s free rein with the hole house . Kids are in and out the garden , cupboards constantly opened for snacks . I do most of the cooking so if they want a cuppa they know they can freely make it without having to ask . Kids make a mess but it gets cleaned up, i mean this is just normal living . No formality. They feel at home .

Time to get into your villain era OP…

Off not on

Yea I agree with everything but the jumping off the sofa too.

So FIL is both super strict and directs you to a table but also winds the kids up…? Sure.

Sorry Showhouse, I’ve obviously upset you but I re-read my posts and can’t see what I have done wrong. Neither can I see what you would have done that I would have taken exception to. Could you explain please? I think there has been a misunderstanding. Was this meant for me?

Gosh, what a lot of people have such formal relationships with their own family that they wouldn't make a cup of tea at their parent's house!

The first thing I do when I get to my parent's house is put the kettle on (usually while my kids are jumping on my parents (or their sofa)).

not everyone but I still don't want to see them. I also have a friend who slipped and broke her haw eloping in tights on a wooden floor. if she had of worn shoes she would have more not slipped. shoes have grips on them.

I'm trying to imagine a couple of children calmly climbing onto a sofa and jumping off. 😅 Especially as they have also been described as being whipped up into excitement.

Obviously jumping on the sofa is not OK but I can't believe how many people wouldn't feel OK getting something out of a fridge/cupboard or make a coffe/cup of tea at their own parents'/inlaws house! My adult children do it and their partners do too - they also load the dishwasher without being prompted and even open bottles of wine/grab a beer from the garage. Works for us. They are all generous, lovely warm hearted people. Each to their own I guess.

Mine would ask first

Wonder why?

That's your house.

Would not be happening in mine.

My DC didn't do it and their DC don't do it

Jeez!

Another one

OP: 'Am I wrong?'

Everyone: 'Yes'

OP: 'No I'm not!'

Just stop going it sounds painful!

My children (when they were probably up to the age of about 5 or 6) used to love running along the sofa, chucking themselves on it, jumping from one sofa to the other. We even used to encourage them by playing the floor is lava and we'd put cushions on the floor for them to jump on to/off of to or from the sofa. Best game ever for biting off energy before bed. Our sofas never broke and they knew not to do it at other people's houses. So no idea why people are acting like it's the crime of the century.

*burning off energy

It looks for me that in general you and your MIL have different standards in parenting and hygiene and haven’t learnt to compromise and understand each other so your relationship is strained.
the fact that your in laws are not eating at yours is very telling. They don’t except your hygiene standards and probably don’t feel comfortable around your children’s behaviour. I don’t saying that they are right but from your posts it feels that you are judgemental of them as well so of course it results in an atmosphere.
It’s obviously started somewhere and snowballed over the years. E.g if I’m asked to take shoes off I would do it excitedly 🙂. I prefer shoes off. And your MiL wouldn’t need to watch me - on my next visit I would take shoes off in a flash. I wouldn’t allow my Dd to move 20 cm out of the door without taking shoes off and would always watch her in someone’s house even if it’s a relative. It’s about respect for me. My sister would give away absolutely different vibe so if she and her child would visit your Mil - she would be very watchful. Plus your MIL might be just generally more controlling type whereas you are from more laid back family.
I think you need to think about each thing separately and try to meet somewhere in the middle (metaphorically and physically). From your examples your in laws don’t sound too bad but tolerating small children is a skill and not everyone has it. You are raising your own but then it’s very different.

By the way you’ve said that your in-laws were commenting about your upbringing negatively. Tbh when we get married my MIL did some critique comments here and there, some I ignored, some I corrected. But in general I tried to look at her positive sides and understand her. I genuinely like her as a person and I think ( hope at least) she likes me more than at the very beginning. But it didn’t come at once.

Mine ask too, I wouldn't go into their fridges and help myself to whatever so they don't in mine.

OP I hope you have had a good laugh at all of the uptight pearl clutchers that have congregated to this thread. I have had a good chuckle at half of the responses. People like this actually exist in real life?!?

My Mum, MIL and Stepmum are all IMMACULATE women. They are each extremely house proud. However they would never dream of behaving this way towards me or any of my siblings/ siblings in law. They all value family and being comfortable around each other more than keeping crumbs off the floor. For my daughters first birthday she got excited over her birthday cake and smeared (shock) it all over MILs table. MIL laughed and found it cute. Sounds like a lot of grandparents on this thread would have been furious in that scenario. It's bizarre reading some of these comments. May my family never be like this.

I agree with virtually everything you said, but sorry but you're being ridiculously illogical with that last paragraph. You're basically saying that every grandparent is like this? Because we're pretty much all of the same generation.

My own in-laws were the generation above and as per my post above, were super hospitable and relaxed when we all descended on them now the weekend or joiner, every six weeks or so. I was the DIL, yet their home was home to me (and ultimately their grandchildren,) as well as their son.

My MIL is a bit like this. She has cushions for show and cushions for leaning against. Everyone leans back very tentatively because, in the blink of an eye, she might swipe away one cushion and replace it with another. Or she'll suddenly shout NO!! and scare the shit out of you because you almost leaned on the wrong cushion. For a few months, she set up the kitchen table with crockery and bloody swan shaped napkins, like a furniture showroom. So if you wanted to - ya know - eat at said table, you had to wait until she removed enough crockery so that you had somewhere to set your plate. You definitely DIDN'T remove anything yourself. She also changes her ornaments, floral displays and rugs to suit the time of year - certain colours for each season - which is of course up to her if she can be arsed, but it all adds up to everyone feeling a bit uncomfortable. The decor is the star and everyone else is cluttering up the place!

I can’t identify with most of the replies on this thread. My mum would be mortified if she thought my kids had to be on their best behaviour when she saw them. She’d rather have them warts and all because she loves them and wants them to feel comfortable around her, not like they can’t be themselves. She wouldn’t like jumping on furniture but would be understanding of small children doing silly things and would give them a gentle reminder and that would be the end of it.
I could make myself a cuppa in her house (she’d have one too) and my kids disappear into her pantry and emerge asking if they can have a piece of something they’ve found. We love each other and feel entirely comfortable in each other’s home.
When we stay at my in laws, it’s similar - nobody has to be on their best behaviour, just normal. When they stay with us, they’ll make themselves a cup of tea if they want one, they won’t wait to be asked. And thank god for that. I’d fucking hate to have guests who don’t feel comfortable in my home.
This thread has been an eye opener. Thinking of your adult kids as visitors in your home is absolutely wild to me.

No.

How can your feelings trump how everyone else feels ?

Having a label does not absolve you of any personal responsibility, just like psychopaths can’t go around murdering without consequence.

You need therapy to work on coping strategies to manage that behaviour.

@ShowHouse OP tell her straight that you feel uncomfortable, she will probably feel shocked and offended, but at least it’s out in the open and she can try and modify her behaviour.

PIL home is very formal and more restrained than your childhood home.
Your children will soon learn that every one has different rules in their home and act accordingly.
You need to manage your child while there and you need to cut your visits to shorter times and watch for signs that your children are getting restless and jumpy.
No, it's not a relaxed, homely atmosphere, but it is your DH parents so manditory that you learn to enjoy their company.

I never go into other people's fridges and make cups of tea when I visit anyone. I will if my Dad is poorly.

If you were staying with PIL it could be different and there might be a discussion about if and how you could make a cup of tea.
That said, my parents never made a cup of tea at either of my grandparents homes when we stayed, except sometimes they would help when my Granny said, Pour yourselves another cup of tea, it's made there on the hob, or Neil, pour your father a cup and take it out to him in the Hot House.
I really loved visiting my constrained grandparents; your DD will cope.

Hints:
Talk about expected behaviour at Granny's and other people's homes.
Say daughter is restless and ask if there is a garden you could take her, where she can run.
Teach daughter the games that are available there, cards.
Bring a quiet game for daughter... colouring in..
If daughter is restless you could take her for a walk around the block, or take her home, cut visit short etc.
Ask for a large napkin for daughter to use, or bring a clean old fashioned nappy to tie around her while she eats. Ask for a damp cloth to wipe her sticky fingers.
Stay with your child while she is looking at delicate things on shelves and explain that she is not to touch but enjoy looking.
Let daughter out for a big run before going for the visit.

It is like visiting a museum in a lot of ways. Respect for objects, noise control and no running or jumping, and listening to the vibe of how to behave.