Fed up of mils rules in show home it's ridiculous

[ShowHouse]

I'm absolutely fed up of going to mils and feeling totally constrained by the atmosphere and feelings in the house. I think it's crossing a line where I don't want to visit anymore.

Examples she stands over us to watch us taking our shoes off and I feel she's enjoying it like a control thing.
We can't freely say go into the snug or wander around we are directed by fil to a table.
Then we have a fan fare of tea and her cake where she comments on crumbs and how we mustn't damage her stuff.
Every move feels watched, dh could never go into the fridge for instance or make tea our visits our "managed".
I feel completely at home at my dp and don't feel any constraints at all, I would walk in and make dm tea etc.

She's also complained about dd jumping off a sofa and other dc and I just think why bother.

My grandchildren jump from my sofas all the time! 🤣 The living room furniture is getting on a bit. When the grandchildren are a bit older we will treat ourselves to new ones.
We are a shoes off / no pets house but our children ( and grandchildren when they are older) can help themselves to the fridge.

Yes, of course I would if she wanted me to. I wouldn't go into her kitchen and start making tea etc without her permission. It's her house, not mine. And I would survive in Lancashire and do offer workmen etc cups of tea - made by me. Mind, I am a Londoner.

Why don’t you just take your own stuff or order a takeaway, she clearly expects you to make yourselves at home, why expect her to have been out and done a shop for stuff you might like

@KindLemur
Nice.

My mil would never have to ask me to make her a brew. I’d offer, whether we were at hers or she at mine. It’s respect and the elder/younger dynamic. But we are more traditional and family oriented in these parts

sounds Like the OP and some of the responses have hit a few nerves 😂😂😂 mumsnetters hone of the absolute most anal folks on earth

I like a tidy clean house and I have a lot of antique furniture and artefacts. However when my family are here I want them to be comfortable and feel that they are welcome and at home. I will remind them to tidy up after themselves but would never stop them making a drink or a snack. It's also perfectly normal for young children to jump on furniture, a sofa is not going to come to much harm if a child jumps off of it. I also am very aware of the busy life my DIL has and she will often stay in bed until late to catch up on her sleep or to read a book., it gives me chance to indulge my grandchildren.
Your son, their partner and gc are family and don't need to be treated with such formality. I cannot believe the number of people posting here who think that the MIL and FIL's behaviour is an appropriate way to treat their closest relations.

You wear shoes in the house and think your children should be able to jump off furniture in other people's houses. It's obvious why MIL needs to remind you how to behave.

No it isn’t! I have got two daughters and four grandchildren and they never jumped off the furniture. The first time they tried, they were calmly told it wasn’t the right thing to do in someone’s house. They took that on board, and to this day, (adults now) they come and see me as often as they can. No grudge there and they don’t feel deprived. Their children were never allowed to jump off the furniture either!
That said, I lived on a private road where there were loads of fairly deep potholes which usually had rainwater in and when the grandkids were young, I kept dry clothes and wellies at my house and they loved going ‘puddle jumping’ after rain. They got soaked and loved their bath and dry clothes afterwards. There’s a time and a place for everything! They still mention the fun they had, even now all these years later.

Sounds as though the MiL is quite old fashioned and formal which makes things tense because it isn’t free flowing and laid back. Your kids will pick up on that.

ive never made a cup of tea in my pick house, wouldn’t have a clue what was in any cupboard at all - we have been together 20 years. It is more formal there than at my parents but I think that reflects their upbringing. What does your DH say, was his childhood in a similar atmosphere or is this new behaviour?

do the pil enjoy the visits or do they offer out of obligation?

@Needmilkandbread I do feel for you but you must also realise that any extreme behaviour becomes a burdon for those close to you!

Saying, I have an issue and explaining yourself like you did here means people will give you a lot of rope and lots of understanding.
I would feel far more understanding if mil said something like this and it's easier to explain to dc, like someone being a drug addict, alcoholic and so on.

I have no reason to believe mil has this she just acts like everything she has is the best.
She talks to me like I was raised in a hovel she doesn't know about me because she never asks.
Our house isn't like hers and it's not pristine.
Our house is far more modest than mils but it can't be that bad, when we have had dc parties and mil is there quite a few people, different at different parties have complimented us on our house and mil hasn't liked that at all.

If you walk on UK streets, particularly after 4ish in winter when its dark, so many school walks home, you will be treading in shit. You wont see it, its not in big lumps that you can see, its already been trod in by someone else and there will be little circles of it trodden into the tarmac.

I know this because I spend a lot of time dodging it as I walk a lot and use a torch at night even on street lit streets because the light isnt enough to see dark tarmac with a very slightly lighter bit of shit.

But even if it isnt that, its the floor outside, why would you want that over your rugs, floors and carpets?

"Why don’t you just take your own stuff or order a takeaway, she clearly expects you to make yourselves at home, why expect her to have been out and done a shop for stuff you might like"

That's a weird response. You never offer your invited grown-up children and grandchildren food/ treats because they may not like it?
Or are you just a bit lazy and selfish?

Most folk on Mumsnet have dreadful, strained relationships with parents and adult children. It’s sad. Why should you need to ask permission to open the fridge at your own parents’ house?!

That wouldn't happen in my house. Crumbs can be swept up but you only need one time for a child to get hurt playing like that.

Maybe you don't need to...
But you should - out of respect

@Ilikeadrink14 so your gc get told calmly it's not OK mine are treated like terrible people for just being young and a complaint was raised like we are in a posh hotel.

I’m 30 I have toddlers, but when we visit my MIL who is 76 and not in the best health I’d never expect her to go out of her way to get food and stuff in for us, we can get a pizza delivered if we need to I’d rather just she enjoyed our company than running round after us?

sorry if it makes me weird for wanting my elderly MIL to just be comfortable with us visiting and not have to get 2 buses to m&s for nice food for us when she doesn’t need to …. Maybe I should be more mumsnet and make a thread slagging her off …

I had a MIL like this. She behaved the same with her own children when they were growing up. All of her precious stuff was auctioned when she died. None of them wanted it.

I'd just stop going. Nobody is enjoying the visits.

Invite her to yours but live as normal when she's there.

We wouldn’t, we might offer to make a drink for everyone, but if at In-laws, we wouldn’t ask or offer to do this.
Its their house, it would be rude.

I think they sound fairly normal.
My own mother would hate people walking round her house.

Takes a second slip shoes off so it does seem like you're exaggerating that shes watches over you. If she walked away you would be complaining that she leaves.

Who and why would anyone let their children jump on and off other peoples furniture, thats just plain rude and and disrescpectful. Do what you want in your own home but respect the property of others.

Some people don't want visitors in every part of their home and theres nothing wrong with that.

But you know what to do if it doesnt suit you

Op I tried but couldn’t RTET. I think you get it that jumping off couch is unacceptable. I really hope another 7 pages of responses saying the same thing is not coming your way. It’s sounds like an oppressive environment and I bet it feels like one too. 2 DGP who can’t enjoy their children and grandchildren Their loss. I have a lovely home and it’s very clean and very decorated for the holidays and I entertain family a good bit and everyone comes becuse once the party starts I don’t care about the house. People before things always. My EXDH aunt and uncle wrapped their stovetop in brown wrapping paper so no one dared use it and we were not allowed to access ice or ice cream from the freezer. And we were in our 30s . Uncle actually said to me oh no you won’t when I said I would get ice cream later when I was “hungry for it” screw him and his ice cream I didn’t eat any of it. Stop going for awhile as your dc are young and it’s not enjoyable for you and dc. Let PIL sit alone with their tea and cake and pristine couch

How often do you have to endure these visits, OP? If it's every few months for a couple of hours, I'd suck it up and take the kids to a playground afterwards. If it's every weekend for hours, I'd give it a swerve. Young children have bags of energy and they need an outlet for it. My PIL don't let the kids jump on the sofa, but they have a mini indoor slide and a huge car track that keeps them entertained when we visit. And then we go round the corner to the playground after lunch so everyone can get some exercise.

My DC did not play hot lava or jump on and off the furniture. It's called behaving decently and having boundaries. I think I can understand why your MIL is hawklike.

Decades ago DH's nephew, aged 3, visited. He jumped on our furniture, tipped over chairs, bashed stuff with sticks. His mother did nothing. Thank God they live in Aus because I would never have wanted him wrecking our home regularly.

I wouldn’t go anymore and would say if pressed that it’s because I don’t feel I can relax and be comfortable. She can’t argue with that really. Maybe she’ll unwedge the stick a little.