Fed up of mils rules in show home it's ridiculous

[ShowHouse]

I'm absolutely fed up of going to mils and feeling totally constrained by the atmosphere and feelings in the house. I think it's crossing a line where I don't want to visit anymore.

Examples she stands over us to watch us taking our shoes off and I feel she's enjoying it like a control thing.
We can't freely say go into the snug or wander around we are directed by fil to a table.
Then we have a fan fare of tea and her cake where she comments on crumbs and how we mustn't damage her stuff.
Every move feels watched, dh could never go into the fridge for instance or make tea our visits our "managed".
I feel completely at home at my dp and don't feel any constraints at all, I would walk in and make dm tea etc.

She's also complained about dd jumping off a sofa and other dc and I just think why bother.

When you are in someone else's house and you know what it is that they like it is normal to try to fit in with their preferences.
One tends to do this automatically with one's own parents as one has grown up with the rules.
It is also the case that different generations have different norms of behaviour.
She sounds a little bit 'up tight' around crumbs but otherwise well within 'normal' in terms of her expectations.

@Taigabread

Non of us have ever dared to set a shoed foot further than the entrance room.
We have never dared too. There is no need to watch us keenly and order us to do it.

It's her reacting to the sofa.

She could have been kind about it and A small child standing on a sofa will not break it.

Our furniture is cheap ikea stuff and is perfectly fine.

@ljgugliug that sounds awful and that's how I feel grubby. I feel unclean myself there and I don't think the message to the dc is healthy. It's materialistic.

@19751974P there is definitely a strong element of superiority to it, without a doubt and this also really annoys me.

@FatAgain mine are weird over food as well.
Eg for a bbq she will do loads of sausages (great love sausages) and other cheap cuts but have one piece of say steak she will serve in tiny slivers and make sure that's held back and makes sure we all know we can't have that until all the cheap stuff is gone.
She will also make it known how much money she saved on the food.
It doesn't make one feel like a valued guest.
And in strict control over food.

Conversation has a tone and edge that we have done something wrong and need telling like they are doing us a massive favour by tolerating us there.
Even though the dc are excelling for instance they will talk to them like they can do more.
Fil will say OK your doing that but have you done this he can't enjoy the first thing he's got to better it

I’m a bit older now but I remember friends not supervising or telling off their children when visiting and the damage caused (coffees getting knocked onto rugs, gouges in dining tables, marks on walls, taps left running, objects broken). I’m now finally at an age where I can afford nice stuff and to be honest I don’t really want people visiting with kids. I grew up with very little space or stuff so really treasure what I finally have. I also think people are much more destructive nowadays. I don’t fuss around visitors and hope they feel welcome but I’m definitely aware of the ones who aren’t respectful of other peoples things.

I suspect your MIL would tell us you and the children are messy and destructive, hence her watching you like a hawk. She is also no doubt a bit too houseproud. I don’t know what the answer is, perhaps they visit you or you meet on neutral territory until the children are older.

Sofas are not for standing on and no your child shouldn't be doing it 😳 I'd be mortified if my child stood on the sofa in someone else's home?! Im not old but if visiting kids were standing on the sofa they'd be told to get down, the sofa is for sitting? There's also the risk they fall off it if standing on it and hurt themselves. You sound like you have quite low standards for behaviour. Please teach your children not to stand on the sofa, when they are older and going for playdates they will piss parents off and seem poorly behaved if the climb/stand on the sofa

Just let hubby take the kids over. Stay at home and have a break

Why can't you just leave your shoes on in the house then ? 🤷‍♀️ it's a shoes on house just leave them on no need for house slippers

The vote is 48% saying OP is not being unreasonable so hardly everyone.

OP's MIL sounds rigid and unwelcoming to her son's family. Extreme dirty houses are different from houses where children aren't scared of playing or making a bit of a mess.

I would be careful about taking this route. We have a very difficult SIL who lives with PIL. Absolute obsessive cleaning, that has a MH origin but also seems to be about control. Has driven GC away from PIL and is also a malicious liar who will talk inappropriately to GC. If they are just overly house proud this route makes sense, but if there is some unpleasant control and put downs in the mix it could backfire.

Except a good number of us have said we don’t think op is wrong…

She’s not actually being rude to you. She’s just doing things the way she likes them, in her own home. Presumably she’s always been like that, and presumably she still managed to bring up a son to be someone you love.

Her ways are not the same as your ways (or mine). Are you really, really saying you’re so intolerant you can’t cope with that occasionally, and would prefer to fracture a relationship with your DH's parents?

It’s really not normal. It’s just typical mumsnet desperate competitive perfectionism.

You'd seriously not invite your own grandchildren around ever again because once, when they were little, they climbed up onto your sofa and jumped off?

See, I find this attitude totally alien

OP, my mum is similar. I think her identity has become tied up with the house. She's been a 1950s style housewife ever since I was born and has no outside interests.

He attitude made me into an anxious child, then adult, and I've had therapy about it, so I can understand her better.

It would be interesting to hear your MIL side of the story.

It might be something like:

'My daughter in law lets her kids jump up and down the sofa and chairs without supervision so I had to ask her to stop this. I also have to watch them to make sure they don't forget to remove their shoes when they come in and cover my flooring with mud and that the kids don't just take out random food from the fridge and spill it everywhere. Basically we are a clean and tidy household to limit the amount of housework I have to do as an older person and unfortunately she has very different standards...'

To me it just sounds like you expect to be able to behave like you do in your own house but you need to respect the fact that people might have different, less chaotic ways of living. It is just common courtesy to respect that.

Typo? Or did you mean it!

@Headingtowardsdivorce similar to mil I think. What did your therapist say

@Cattreesea we don't help ourselves, go to other parts of the house or let dc do anything untoward. We try and get the cake down with as few crumbs as possible and drink tea without spills or clatter of China. We dutifullly remove our shoes. I'd say we are doing everything they want.

We don't live in chaos.

We talked about my mum's childhood, or what I know of it, and discussed how it will have shaped her attitude.

In my mum's case, she was the oldest of many children in a working class family, who was left to look after the younger children while her parents worked.

@Headingtowardsdivorce would your mum be understanding if you told her this?

Wouldn't she want to know, I'd definitely want to know

Oh god no! She thinks she's right about everything and it's her way or the highway. Any slight hint of criticism of her and she gets really upset (she can give it but she definitely can't take it!).

It's just not worth the bother. I just don't stay long when I visit. My kids are older now and they don't visit at all, although they do suggest meeting up outside of her house.

They who pay the bills; make the rules.

Is my general pattern of following. So if you don’t like (can’t respect) the rules in that household, then you just don’t go.