Fed up of mils rules in show home it's ridiculous

[ShowHouse]

I'm absolutely fed up of going to mils and feeling totally constrained by the atmosphere and feelings in the house. I think it's crossing a line where I don't want to visit anymore.

Examples she stands over us to watch us taking our shoes off and I feel she's enjoying it like a control thing.
We can't freely say go into the snug or wander around we are directed by fil to a table.
Then we have a fan fare of tea and her cake where she comments on crumbs and how we mustn't damage her stuff.
Every move feels watched, dh could never go into the fridge for instance or make tea our visits our "managed".
I feel completely at home at my dp and don't feel any constraints at all, I would walk in and make dm tea etc.

She's also complained about dd jumping off a sofa and other dc and I just think why bother.

It's a bit 50:50. I think it's odd and rude to stand over guests while they take their shoes off, and to comment on crumbs or remind them not to break things. But, it also sounds like your MIL was raised a certain way and when you host, you 'host'. You make a nice tea, you use the nice crockery, you do all the fetching and making hot drinks and ensuring your guests are comfortable etc. It's also not acceptable for children to jump on someone else's sofa, so she's not wrong to comment on that.

Great use of rollicking there! Not many people use it nowadays

How can so many of you not tell the difference between the words ON and OFF?

I don't want children jumping on, or off the sofa in my home. It's not a fucking playground

I kind of get where your in laws are coming from, we're finally at a stage of affording some nice furniture for our house. Our kids are older and no longer smearing grubby hands on everything. When we have younger kids visiting I do double check they have shoes off, wipe up crumbs and gently remind no sofa jumping. Our house is by no means a show home but I do want to keep it nice. I would direct kids to a table if eating cake rather than have it all over the sofa, but after the cake is eaten then can roam where they want.

Your children shouldn't be jumping on anyone's sofa. It does sound unwelcoming though, I'd keep the visits very brief. My MIL was a bit similar, a very formal household and I would never have dreamed of going into the kitchen or helping myself to anything, even on the occasions we stayed overnight. It's quite uncomfortable for guests but that's how some older people can be IME. Nowadays DH goes mostly on his own, and I go around every 6 months to do my 'duty'.

Yes, i will always be their child...so, why not?

Every person and their cross. We're quite free in our family like this, same with if my siblings come to mine or i go to theirs. Of course if my siblings were to get married or myself, then this would be different.

We were actually raised with manners, opening your parents fridge does not equate manners or lack of. These same people talking about manners would rudely tell their parents to shut up but think opening a fridge is the definition of manners. Girl bye

I think wheelchair wheel socks are so cheap and must be an essential considering how inconsiderate so many dog owners are allowing their dog shit anywhere.

Jumping on a sofa is not something I would tolerate mh children doing.

We take shoes off here but I don't insist on adult guests do.
Many years ago a child brought a lot of shit in on their shoe and no child has come in since with them on.

I wouldn't dream of opening the fridge in another persons house without asking but the crumbs on the tablecloth is ridiculous IMO.

Best you stay away and leave your husband to it.
Inevitably children will vote with their feet as they grow up if they don't feel made welcome.

Ok!

Your post doesn’t make sense and I’m not a girl. But goodbye.

I had 3 children, they were not allowed to jump or climb on the furniture, i have 14 nephews and Nieces and they weren't allowed either.
Do you allow your children to use family and friends furniture as a climbing frame ?

Seriously you think it’a normal for kids to be jumping off furniture? I

Why on earth would anyone be worried about a few crumbs on the floor? Isn't that what vacuum cleaners are for? Surely they must be more than ordinarily familiar with them already. Maybe they're worried that hordes of mice will materialise and start having a party. I absolutely acknowledge anyone's right to have their home how they like it, but sometimes it's worth unclenching just a little bit rather than micromanaging your guests. Being obvious about your fastidiousness makes it more likely that people will accidentally do something that's against the 'rules' due to sheer nervousness. Watching while people remove their shoes is just weird and overbearing, especially if people are regular visitors and know the drill.

If MiL visited my house I would offer her tea. I'd probably ask if she would like tea if I visited her house, of course. Bit semantic now as both my MiLs are dead.

I hate visits to homes where the host doesn't make me feel welcome. A friend's mother was like that. It was as if we were wild animals that didn't know how to behave. We were adults, so we weren't going to do anything but sit politely and chat.

Why not see them at soft play/the park then?

Fine, if you are happy for children jumping off sofas. But are they learning that it's ok to jump off sofas anywhere? They might be and this could cause their parents difficulties or embarrassment in places less welcoming than your house. Better to stop them jumping off all furniture?
I would not dream of taking something from DiL's fridge, or DD's or DS's, without permission.

@Goldbar
I suppose they could ... I don't know - maybe it's a bit noisy than their home
Maybe op should suggest that.

I would. I mean, if no one is enjoying these visits - kids bored, PIL paranoid, OP stressed - then they do sound a bit like an exercise in mutual masochism 😂.

I have relatives and friends (age from 25 to 85) who have show home type environment that are shiny and pristine- some are very IG. Their house is very much a display of how they’re doing, represents what’s important to them, pristine house is a statement of who they are, what they value, what’s important to them. It’s an important visual to them.
Growing up a clean house was absolutely the expectation- Irish and Scottish mammies who literately scrubbed,cleaned and maintained ordered houses. They were in no way relaxed about housekeeping. In no way were they OCD or unwell they were simply conforming to a norm and expectation
i have friends who have pristine homes it’s not necessarily an older adult thing - it’s a what you’re brought up with or want to maintain thing
i have some friends & relatives whom you can just wander into kitchen and help self and that’s ok. Other friends& relatives see visitors as guests and they want to host and they’d feel it was inappropriate for visitor to wander off make tea etc. they’d think they’d offers inadequate food etc and feel embarrassed
some people just don’t have an informal style when they have visitors and they’re unlikely to suddenly acquire it

I have no idea why you're getting so much shit from PPs! They're acting as if it's normal to be hypervigilant in case a guest drops a crumb, creases a sofa cushion or disarranges your millimetre-perfect fridge shelf arrangement. It isn't.

MIL seems to experience visitors as contaminants. I have a SIL like this - the difference being that she knows she has a mental health condition and does her best to manage it. We never visit each other's houses, we meet in restaurants that meet her exacting standards.

Sympathies, @ShowHouse. Did poor DH grow up being treated like toxic waste, or is it just you and the DC?

My grandchildren used to play the floor is lava at my house too. And sometimes they took the cushions of the sofa and put then on the floor to play with.
Nothing was ruined. It was fine.

I don't want to live in a show house. I want a home where my children and grandchildren feel welcome and relaxed.
They take their shoes off when they come in the house but I have never stood over them when they do it, and as for worrying about crumbs that's just bonkers. There is time to clear them up when they have gone.

Gosh, this sounds like going to my ex husband's parents' place. As you say, it was totally 'managed'. His stepmother was a total control freak though.