Fed up of mils rules in show home it's ridiculous

[ShowHouse]

I'm absolutely fed up of going to mils and feeling totally constrained by the atmosphere and feelings in the house. I think it's crossing a line where I don't want to visit anymore.

Examples she stands over us to watch us taking our shoes off and I feel she's enjoying it like a control thing.
We can't freely say go into the snug or wander around we are directed by fil to a table.
Then we have a fan fare of tea and her cake where she comments on crumbs and how we mustn't damage her stuff.
Every move feels watched, dh could never go into the fridge for instance or make tea our visits our "managed".
I feel completely at home at my dp and don't feel any constraints at all, I would walk in and make dm tea etc.

She's also complained about dd jumping off a sofa and other dc and I just think why bother.

I think you are choosing to feel this way because you feel offended your MIL called your child up on their behaviour.
Its not controlling to prefer a clean tidy home and to expect visitors to behave with some decorum once upon a time such standards would have been the norm.

@Needmilkandbread no because fil was with them and I was pinned down on the table trying to get cake down and struggling to swollow.

Then I’m sure you were grateful for MiLs intervention. It’s important for someone who is able to, to set boundaries with children.
Your mil did you a favour, whilst you were incapacitated.

Totally
You're just causing work and don't seem to care.

it's sending a clear message to us all that her house means more to her than dc.

What, because she has ideas different from yours and doesn’t like them jumping on the sofa? Nonsense. You’re sounding ridiculous now. I’m starting to feel sorry for your MIL.

Yes. Don't you?

Anyway, is there some kind of secret part of MN where you all get together and decide on a thread where the OP is perfectly reasonable and you all tell her she's wrong? Or are you all just bonkers?

What was it like for your husband growing up with his parents? Were they kind to him? Was he relaxed in his own home? How old was he when he left?

She probably sees you and the kids as chaotic and a bit slovenly - she knows crumbs and shoes don't matter to you in your own house (which is fair enough), so she can't quite trust you to behave as if it matters in hers. It sounds like visits make you and her equally anxious.

I feel for you both, tbh. Neither of you are being unreasonable - your standards are just incompatible with a relaxed time at hers.

I have read the OP’s posts and some (but not all) of the responses.

Just send your husband on his own. He can take the children and you get a break.

I wouldn’t allow random strangers to go in my cupboards but when DD is grown up I would be upset if she didn’t think she could go into the cupboards to make herself and her children something. Our home will always be a home for our daughter whether she lives with us or not. And my friends- same with them, we shared houses at uni so again no issues.

I can remember by cousins child visiting once - they seemed to touch everything- and pick up every ornament.
We were never allowed to do that... I always took a bag of toys when the kids were little to keep them occupied.

It’s really unpleasant the way some people equate manners with lack of love or closeness, just so they can boast.

Unless you’re talking about taking milk from the fridge to make tea, or something like that, I think it’s bad manners and inconsiderate to take food from someone else's fridge without asking, however wonderful your relationship. For all you know, they might have been needing that cheese etc. for tonight's recipe.

I have two daughters, to whom I’m very close. When in my house they would always say "Is it ok if I eat this cheese?" etc. before taking it, though I’ve never specifically asked them to. They're just considerate people with good manners, and as they’re adults they understand why the house-owner/cook might need to know. (If they knew I had a custom of buying specifically, ready for them, something I don’t eat myself, that might be different.)

@Echobowels OK let's go with that.. Let's say it's fair enough and she doesn't trust us..
So on the one hand we have expectations as formal guests in her show home, and we genuinely try snd follow her strict rules.

But, let's say some crumbs did go on a table cloth and maybe one made it onto the floor, let's say dh did walk to the fridge and saw something small he wanted to snack on... Would it really matter?. What's the crime here? Why is it such a big deal?

When I have gusts over and we have dinner I always change the tablecloth after anyway?
So what's the big deal?

I'm as relaxed about visitors ( particularly family) as they come, but even I'd object to kids jumping on my sofa and would expect their parents to stop them.

Don't eat the cake and if she asks why say "we're too worried about the crumbs".

Lets look at that from the other perspective.

Imagine MIL came to visit you, and whilst there she started loading your dishwasher; or grabbed a cloth from under your sink and gave the coffee table a once over. Perhaps she started picking toys up off the floor and putting them away.

No big deal right?

Perhaps you’d be fine with that! Crack on MIL, let me grab you the bleach!

or maybe you’d feel judged and offended. Like she thought you weren’t keeping your home nice enough for her son and grandchildren.

The most respectful way to behave is to acknowledge people have different standards and accept that.

I agree with a pp that if you cannot accept that, just send DH and the kids.

You've just made @Echobowels point for her.
This wouldn't matter to you but it does to your mil.
We've all different, it's just a matter of respect
And as for eating out the fridge
What if that little snack your dh has just woofed down was being saved for mil's supper as a special treat?

I also agree with just DH and the kids going.
Seems the best option for everyone tbh.
I know if I was your MIL I'd prefer them to come without you.

To be fair, if op was my daughter in law, I’d like to see her regardless and would be disappointed if she didn’t join my son and gc.
She’s family after all and I’m sure she’s very much loved.

But I would respect your decision not to join them and would reach out to you for a phone chat to see how you were instead perhaps.

I can never understand "shoes on" households, think of all the dirt you're bringing in all over your floors 😐

Daughter uses wheelchair, wheeled walking frame and crutches, she has AFO splints and can't wear them without shoes. I take my shoes off because it's more comfortable for me, but I couldn't care less what guests do. There's a mat at the door to wipe feet. Vacuum, occasional carpet cleaning, mop on the hard floors, gets rid of most stuff. A bit of outside dirt coming inside is a drop in the ocean when you consider how much bacteria is in your home.

What do you mean you're "shoes on" you're trampling dog shit everywhere take them off!

Why are you walking in dog shit everywhere you go?

Well, why do the PIL insist on them visiting then?

You don't get to insist on family visiting you repeatedly and then treat them like an inconvenience.

If they really are an inconvenience, put a stop to the visits.

With medical condition, in my house , the shoes off rule would be waived.
The dog pooh argument would be the residual / dried dog pooh you can't see, but is definitely there.

I doubt the kids enjoy it either. Grammy not letting them move and hoovering them while they're still eating a biscuit....

@Goldbar
I don't really know.
At a guess because they loved their grandchildren but don't want the house trashed .....

I grew up with a mother like this. I am 60 and have NEVER sat with my feet tucked up under me on the sofa . To this day I still have to sit " properly " with my feet on the floor and no lounging. allowed.
It was grim