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AIBU?

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Original poster

Fed up of mils rules in show home it's ridiculous

407 replies

ShowHouse · 01/02/2025 19:38

I'm absolutely fed up of going to mils and feeling totally constrained by the atmosphere and feelings in the house. I think it's crossing a line where I don't want to visit anymore.

Examples she stands over us to watch us taking our shoes off and I feel she's enjoying it like a control thing.
We can't freely say go into the snug or wander around we are directed by fil to a table.
Then we have a fan fare of tea and her cake where she comments on crumbs and how we mustn't damage her stuff.
Every move feels watched, dh could never go into the fridge for instance or make tea our visits our "managed".
I feel completely at home at my dp and don't feel any constraints at all, I would walk in and make dm tea etc.

She's also complained about dd jumping off a sofa and other dc and I just think why bother.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 01/02/2025 23:20

I think in future I'd just suggest either they visit you or that they accompany you to softplay or the like. You can phrase it diplomatically -

  1. 'I think it would be nice for you to be served tea and cakes rather than you have to provide it',
  2. 'I noticed FIL seems to enjoy the children playing, I thought it would be nice for him to see them in softplay', or even
  3. You seem to feel stressed by having people in your house, I thought it would take the stress out of it for you if we meet elsewhere'.
Iwantmyoldnameback · 01/02/2025 23:24

I'm certainly not house-proud and I'm happy for people to make themselves tea or coffee or open a wine or beer but I don't keep a fridge full of snacks on the off chance someone might pop in and feel like a graze.

Doloresparton · 01/02/2025 23:26

Tourmalines · 01/02/2025 22:28

My Ds, DDil and 2 Dgc come and stay over our place at least once a month for a night or 2. It’s free rein with the hole house . Kids are in and out the garden , cupboards constantly opened for snacks . I do most of the cooking so if they want a cuppa they know they can freely make it without having to ask . Kids make a mess but it gets cleaned up, i mean this is just normal living . No formality. They feel at home .

Me too.
And my dgc jump on the sofa and the bed.
Doesn’t bother me, life’s too short to stop them having fun.
They’re only tiny, they don’t do any harm.

My dc are encouraged to get tea, cake and whatever they want. Ridiculous that a dc is not allowed to touch anything in the house where he grew up.

Startrekkeruniverse · 01/02/2025 23:57

Doloresparton · 01/02/2025 23:26

Me too.
And my dgc jump on the sofa and the bed.
Doesn’t bother me, life’s too short to stop them having fun.
They’re only tiny, they don’t do any harm.

My dc are encouraged to get tea, cake and whatever they want. Ridiculous that a dc is not allowed to touch anything in the house where he grew up.

Show quote history

I agree with all of this. Can’t imagine going to my parents’ house and not just being able to get a drink when I’m thirsty or kids having fun. People are waaaay too uptight.

BobbyBiscuits · 01/02/2025 23:59

I would wear good socks, and decline any crumb inducing food. And try and avoid going round there as much as possible.
Could you meet in restaurants, cafes, museums, shopping centres, anywhere but her house?
People like that won't ever loosen up about tidiness so it's better not to bother enter their house!

SwordToFlamethrower · 02/02/2025 00:05

Our house is a barefoot house, so shoes are complete no no.

I hate any kind of crumbs on my floors and hoover several times a day and mop every day.

My mil likes to wear shoes all day every day and really resents having to wear carpet slippers in our house.

In her house, we have to wear slippers because her floors are filthy and bitty.

I have to suck it up at her house and she has to suck it up at our house.

That's how it works.

Cupcakerat · 02/02/2025 00:11

Ask for a glass of red wine then ‘accidentally’ knock it over, sit back and enjoy the fireworks. If you make a huge mess each time you visit, she might become more used to it and chill out a bit more.

LambriniBobInIsleworthISeesYa · 02/02/2025 00:11

Sounds like my granny. She was always a bit like it but got much worse once my gramps died. She also has seriously controlling tendencies and my grandpa was the voice of reason, so once he wasn't around to rein her in, I think she just went a bit deranged.

It all came to a head one visit when she sat watching intently and doing a cat's bum face as my then 2.5yr old daughter ate some cake at the dining table (we were all eating cake and drinking tea, granny had served it!) Granny always moaned about not seeing enough of mine and my sisters kids, but when we brought them around she never made them feel very welcome and would tell them off for very innocuous behaviours (for example, she once shouted at my eldest when she was about four and playing in granny's garden because she kicked a ball- a ball provided by my granny- "too near the apple tree". Not AT the apple tree, not INTO the apple tree, just too near it).

Anyway, this particular day- the cake day- after a few minutes of granny watching my daughter in a very clearly disapproving manner (where admittedly my daughter did drop a few crumbs onto the table/floor and herself because she was NOT YET THREE) my granny jumped up and got the hoover out and began vacuuming around me, my two daughters, my mum, my sister, my nieces and my aunt while we were still all trying to eat our cake and drink our tea!

It was genuinely deranged. She and I had a row and I never took the kids around there again. She's in a care home now and still utterly horrible. Miserable old bitch.

If your MIL is making visits unpleasant and tense with her controlling behaviour and lack of understanding and empathy about your small kids, my advice is to vote with your feet.

Sunnywalker · 02/02/2025 00:12

Funnywonder · 01/02/2025 22:55

My MIL is a bit like this. She has cushions for show and cushions for leaning against. Everyone leans back very tentatively because, in the blink of an eye, she might swipe away one cushion and replace it with another. Or she'll suddenly shout NO!! and scare the shit out of you because you almost leaned on the wrong cushion. For a few months, she set up the kitchen table with crockery and bloody swan shaped napkins, like a furniture showroom. So if you wanted to - ya know - eat at said table, you had to wait until she removed enough crockery so that you had somewhere to set your plate. You definitely DIDN'T remove anything yourself. She also changes her ornaments, floral displays and rugs to suit the time of year - certain colours for each season - which is of course up to her if she can be arsed, but it all adds up to everyone feeling a bit uncomfortable. The decor is the star and everyone else is cluttering up the place!

Does she have / had in the past a job ?

She sounds neurotic

Sunnywalker · 02/02/2025 00:15

SwordToFlamethrower · 02/02/2025 00:05

Our house is a barefoot house, so shoes are complete no no.

I hate any kind of crumbs on my floors and hoover several times a day and mop every day.

My mil likes to wear shoes all day every day and really resents having to wear carpet slippers in our house.

In her house, we have to wear slippers because her floors are filthy and bitty.

I have to suck it up at her house and she has to suck it up at our house.

That's how it works.

How can you hoover multiple times a day unless you are unemployed?

LoafofSellotape · 02/02/2025 00:17

oviraptor21 · 01/02/2025 19:44

Sounds quite normal to me.
What's she supposed to do while you take your shoes off? It would be very unwelcoming to disappear somewhere.
You're shown into a room that your PIL like to entertain in.
I wouldn't go into my parents' or PIL's fridge without asking.
And I definitely wouldn't allow my children to jump on anyone else's furniture.
Sorry. YABU.

I agree.

Needmilkandbread · 02/02/2025 02:54

Sunnywalker · 01/02/2025 23:10

No.

How can your feelings trump how everyone else feels ?

Having a label does not absolve you of any personal responsibility, just like psychopaths can’t go around murdering without consequence.

You need therapy to work on coping strategies to manage that behaviour.

@ShowHouse OP tell her straight that you feel uncomfortable, she will probably feel shocked and offended, but at least it’s out in the open and she can try and modify her behaviour.

Show quote history

Actually yes, in my home my comfort is paramount. I don’t come to your home and tell you how to live. In my house it’s my way, and visitors I’m sure can tolerate that for an hour.

tygertygers · 02/02/2025 05:14

I'm shocked at all the people saying that watching someone like a hawk in case they drop crumbs is "normal"! This makes me glad I left the UK, what a stuffy lot.

discoversmatch · 02/02/2025 05:18

I don't freely wander around my in-laws house and I'm not sure I'd want them wandering around mine!

And don't let your kids climb on the sofa!

TammyJones · 02/02/2025 07:21

19751974P · 01/02/2025 21:57

I think some people ARE controlling like this OP, it's a weird way of trying to make you feel inferior, as well as serving their own compulsive behaviours and attitudes. Not to say we should all jump on furniture or cause chaos, but I would say limit your time there. Meet out and about or at your house where possible. Or have a definite leaving time if you can't escape it. Nothing worse than being trapped in someone else's house.

No one can 'make' you feel inferior.
Especially not by keeping a clean tidy house......

TammyJones · 02/02/2025 07:25

makemeanoffericantrefuse · 01/02/2025 21:59

I'm going to be MIL to six children at some point.
I love them, my home has been their home for decades and should they need it there will always be their bedroom here and a family home for them.
Their spouses and children will always be loved and welcome too of course,
However, I do want shoes off at the door, and I don't want children jumping off my furniture.
We can walk the dogs in the woods or on the beach, we can play and bake and have lots of fun.....but there are boundaries.
I would expect my children and their partners to recognise this

This is me - love children- partying, lots of fun, but shoes off at the door, and definitely no jumping/ throwing yourself at furniture.
Loving fussing over people with drinks and making them as comfortable/ happy as possible.

thepariscrimefiles · 02/02/2025 07:30

ShowHouse · 01/02/2025 22:25

@Bababear987 dh knows his place she doesn't need to guard it as much he wouldn't dare.

It just means we can't be comfortable there and let's say two hours in I would pop the kettle on, I can't and dh can't either so I sit there thirsty.

I wonder some people in these strict homes, would you be relieved if we turned up with plastic sheets and bibs attached and beakers so your home remained absolutely pristine? Dc on reigns maybe?

Your MIL doesn't sound as though she enjoys seeing her son and her grandchildren at all and you certainly don't enjoy it.

I would definitely reduce the time I spend with her as it isn't fun for anybody. I presume that she was like this with your DH when he was a child?

I'm much more easy going with my grandchildren than I was with my children. If a game involves standing on the sofa, it doesn't bother me. I would only step in if it looked like they would hurt themselves. It's not every day so it isn't going to harm the furniture and they will stop doing it as they grow older.

StaxAttacks · 02/02/2025 07:31

ShowHouse · 01/02/2025 20:05

They were under fils eye when the jump incident happened.
Why would people get shirty over it.

Unfortunately they don't like coming to our house, we have invited them.
They won't accept any offers of tea or snacks and don't seem comfortable.

Sounds like the whole thing is an expression of her OCD/germ phobia or other mental health issues.

TammyJones · 02/02/2025 07:37

My dh visits (weekly) a relative who lives on his own.
Relative loves the visits and my dh (ha very few visits) but due to the state of the kitchen won't have a drink there ....

TammyJones · 02/02/2025 07:42

@Jeez!

Another one

OP: 'Am I wrong?'

Everyone: 'Yes'

OP: 'No I'm not!'

AGREE

Op does not like her mil - regardless and is just trying for validation

And as for :

Clean house = problem adult children- what rubbish.

In extreme dirty houses when children- the now adult children say how much they hated it and couldn't bring friends home, and now keep a clean home themselves.

TammyJones · 02/02/2025 07:43

ThePuppyHasZoomiesAgain · 01/02/2025 22:48

*burning off energy

Didn't outside activities/ daily walking do that?

Blue278 · 02/02/2025 07:53

OP getting such a hard time here.
The in-laws sound dreadful. Should not be making you feel uncomfortable. There are ways of having your own house rules without making your guests feel bad.

Taigabread · 02/02/2025 07:58

ShowHouse · 01/02/2025 19:56

We are a shoes on house but many people are shoes off, no one stands over us like she does. Most people welcome you in and chat, she's standing guard.
Fil gets dc whipped up into excitement but has no where to go with it, the get on a sofa and jump off.
If you have people around is anyone really watching over them for crumbs? If we have gusts over surely some debris is part and parcel of that? We don't watch guests to make sure they are not leaving a mess we just enjoy their company.

If you are a shoes on house I bet your children (and even you) routinely forget to remove shoes at the door so she stands over to make sure it happens because she doesn't want all sorts of muck trampled into the house and that's not unreasonable.
Its telling that you are bothered by your child being told not to jump on the sofa - this suggests you are the sort of person doesnt look after the furniture etc in your home and that's why your Mil is on edge, she knows if she isn't your kids will jump on sofas, fiddle with breakable, knock stuff over because you won't tell them not to.

Plenty of people worked hard to afford their home and nice furnishings and want them to last, you should respect that a bit more.

I also don't see an issue in her ushering you into a particular room if she's laid out tea and cake to serve? She is the host and has planned for your visit, she may feel she is giving the kids a special treat making things fancy with tea served nicely and cake, plenty of people would enjoy not needing to go and make their own drink 🙄

Bababear987 · 02/02/2025 08:02

saraclara · 01/02/2025 22:55

I agree with virtually everything you said, but sorry but you're being ridiculously illogical with that last paragraph. You're basically saying that every grandparent is like this? Because we're pretty much all of the same generation.

My own in-laws were the generation above and as per my post above, were super hospitable and relaxed when we all descended on them now the weekend or joiner, every six weeks or so. I was the DIL, yet their home was home to me (and ultimately their grandchildren,) as well as their son.

Edited
Show quote history

Where did I say every grandparent was like this? You're just making that up for drama. Literally nowhere did I say 'every'

What I'm saying (which everyone else seemed to understand) is that the idea of an immaculate house seems to be something much more common in older generations where women were often taught that the state of their house reflects on them personally. That it was their duty to keep house and everything in its place. Whereas I dont know many women today who feel this same sort of pressure, yes we clean and tidy but not to an extent of making family worry about crumbs. I dont have any friends who's houses I would go to and feel awkward like this but seems to be common with older generation.

Bababear987 · 02/02/2025 08:05

Needmilkandbread · 02/02/2025 02:54

Actually yes, in my home my comfort is paramount. I don’t come to your home and tell you how to live. In my house it’s my way, and visitors I’m sure can tolerate that for an hour.

Edited
Show quote history

I feel like your visitors probably count down the minutes until they can leave.

You dint care about anyone else's comfort only your own? I suppose at least your honest about it