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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

… for married couples, to ask what age you stopped having sex?

365 replies

Thowawayname · 01/02/2025 16:59

To give some context, I’m early-mid 40s, married almost 20 years, one DD just started at Uni. I’d say we’ve always had a good relationship, no financial issues and very comfortable, good careers , so I feel very very fortunate in the grand scheme of things.

My question for married or long term couples is what age you stopped having sex?

And adding more detail…

I had some health issues a few years ago, early onset menopause and now really have close to zero libido. HRT is not an option.

I continue to have sex with DH, but we’ve never really discussed my libido issue. I enjoy the closeness. I also know what he likes, and I like pleasing him if that makes sense. I deliberately take the initiative too sometimes, and do make an effort … you know what I mean :) But at the end of the day, it feels like a job, like gardening (which I don’t enjoy), or cooking ( which I don’t enjoy) or emptying the dishwasher!!

I guess that bottom line is I’d be happy to not have sex again, not just DH, but with anyone.

I can’t really ask many people this in RL. My only sibling is 12 years older than me, and she’s still very active, or so she says.

I have some upcoming sessions with a recommended therapist with expertise in this area. This has helped me in other situations in the past. So I’m not especially asking for advice here, just the age question really.

Apologies for the long rambling post.

OP posts:
Chillilounger · 02/02/2025 11:06

Late 40's and a lot! It took a hit mid 30's with young kids but came back and then again with avengence after mid 40's.

Bartoz · 02/02/2025 11:38

@stayathomer

I still don't think you're being reasonable (I'm not trying to be unfair to you). It's a question of priorities - you have to prioritise what's important to you and take the consequences.

A relationship that's fulfilling and equal should be top of the list (below children and financial security). Communication with your partner that's honest and genuine will most likely help you both find a solution.

Don't forget, tiredness passes, children grow up and move out, pets die. It's too late when you're entering your last couple of decades of life and then realise the relationship is over and there's no way back. That will happen.

BoredZelda · 02/02/2025 12:06

It's a personal thing. We are in our 50s and haven't had sex for years. We are both happy with that. Others might find that starburst it works for us.

stayathomer · 02/02/2025 12:18

Bartoz

thanks, hopefully that’s not where we are yet x

IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle · 02/02/2025 12:18

winfongdown · 02/02/2025 10:57

I would be interested to know how many of the women who say they have no interest are not on HRT.

I would be interested to know why so many posters think women should medacalise for something they aren't bothered about.

I'd be interested to know why so many posters have such limited imaginations that they can't comprehend there's far more to a relationship than sex.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 02/02/2025 12:19

PermanentTemporary · 02/02/2025 06:30

For those posting that sex is about the chance of procreation, how do you explain gay sex and relationships?

The fact that human sexual desire is no doubt driven primarily by the drive to procreate does not mean that this desire can't manifest differently in different people or that there aren't other factors which influence who we are attracted to.

Grammarnut · 02/02/2025 13:43

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 01/02/2025 20:58

But that doesn't make sense. Both men and women could (and do!) get pleasure from sex by going and having sex with people who aren't the parent of our child and continue to spread our genes. The pleasure of sex makes you want to have sex. It doesn't necessarily make you want to be monogamous. In fact it often does quite the opposite!

Show quote history

But that the father stays with the mother appears to be the evolutionary arc of our species, whether monogamous or not, and is a result of the evolutionary 'choice' to have a large brain. Since our young are born completely helpless and reliant on the mother society has evolved various systems to make sure mothers are supported. Sex is one reason for the man to stay around. But also - unfashionable view, I know - having sex with someone makes a strong bond between people, and this appears to be a product of evolution.

Grammarnut · 02/02/2025 13:52

LizzieSiddal · 01/02/2025 21:26

No she does not need to see her GP, unless she feels she wants too.
It makes me feel really uncomfortable when people (mainly women) are told they need to medicalise themselves inorder to perform sex when they don’t want to!

Show quote history

But she sounds miserable. So it might help?

OldTriangleRoad · 02/02/2025 13:57

you can see from this thread, there is huge variety. it's a much wider distribution of experiences than i would have imagined.

you'll have to deal with your own situation, which is unique to you.

for me, at the moment, it's a key ingredient in a happy marriage, without that element I'm fairly sure we'd not have the same relationship that we do. I'm aware that this might change in future, one never knows, so I'll make the most of it when i can.

even when I'm a little tired I'm available for DH 😉, to be honest I'm sure it's the same for him sometimes too!!

Original poster
Thowawayname · 02/02/2025 14:03

Thanks for the replies. Many of them I can relate to, but some are just so different to me experience. Reading several of these has been super helpful for me, and food for thought prior to upcoming sessions I have scheduled.

I'm not depressed. Overall I feel fairly happy and contented. This aspect of my life is just not something I would have foreseen.

Thank you!

OP posts:
Spanielsaremad · 02/02/2025 14:16

shuggles · 01/02/2025 20:13

I'm referring to myself, as well as other men. I've had various tests done a few months ago (unrelated issues), and nothing came back that would suggest my lower sex drive is due to a medical issue. If every 30-something (or older) man went to the doctor because of a reduced sex drive, it would become the most common medical complaint.

From what I have seen, to me it looks as though (on average) women's sex drives increase as they get older, whereas men's sex drives are particularly strong when in teens or early 20s, but drop off by 30s and older.

I still think it's strange when I see, and hear about, older men who still want to have sex multiple times a week. Again, there's a certain childishness about it- a bit like older men who invest money into "sports cars." It's all very juvenile.

Edited
Show quote history

How bizarre. My DH is late 50s. Definitely still has a high sex drive luckily. We have great sex multiple times a week.

Oldtigernidster · 02/02/2025 17:38

My OH is 80 and I’m 75. We’re still at it!!

Iceboy80 · 02/02/2025 17:50

I'm a male in my mid 40s and I can guarantee two things if I were married (not that stupid) but if I were and it was to stop then the two things would be

1, I'd give her time to try and sort it out but if not I would divorce her.

2, Id completely switch off from the relationship, it would be as if we never were.

I would never cheat, I have morals but a man's connection to his partner is through sex if that's gone there really isn't a point, we're not there for the great conversation.

Oldandtrying23 · 02/02/2025 17:51

I’m 44 and still would love to have more sex with hubby but he appears not bothered. HRT was a godsend to me as prior to that painful and other symptoms. He is very loving in other ways but doesn’t seem interested that often in sex or maybe I just need it more. I should add not been together many years like OP

Mummadeze · 02/02/2025 18:04

My partner lost interest around 6 years ago. Am 50 now and got used to being celibate. I minded a lot at first but don’t care at all anymore.

Brendalovesc · 02/02/2025 18:06

Have you thought about letting him step outside and sleeping with a friend or a prostitute?

that’s what we do and I have a few friends that do it too and it works very well for them

MumWifeOther · 02/02/2025 18:09

Iceboy80 · 02/02/2025 17:50

I'm a male in my mid 40s and I can guarantee two things if I were married (not that stupid) but if I were and it was to stop then the two things would be

1, I'd give her time to try and sort it out but if not I would divorce her.

2, Id completely switch off from the relationship, it would be as if we never were.

I would never cheat, I have morals but a man's connection to his partner is through sex if that's gone there really isn't a point, we're not there for the great conversation.

I have to say I agree with this somewhat. Obviously I think that there’s more to a marriage than just sex; but it is sec that sets the marriage apart from any other platonic relationship / friendship. It’s so important to have that intamacy, and cannot think of a valid reason to withdraw it, other than ill health when very reasonably, it’s out of your hands.

Bayou2000 · 02/02/2025 18:11

I totally lost my libido in my early 40’s. Got my hrt in order at 47, started seeing someone new and we are at it like rabbits. I didn’t think I would feel like this again.

BooBooDoodle · 02/02/2025 18:18

I’m mid forties. Been a few months since I last did the deed. I no longer have the desire for it or enjoy it. I put out but it’s a chore and it hurts. I’m diagnosed as peri and have been for 5 years. I’m hoping it comes back. I’ve been put on creams and lubricants as before that DH just charged right in there and made me bleed. I couldn’t sit down properly for a week. Been scared ever since and I know it’s starting to cause issues. I’m on the Mirena and can’t take Oestrogen for various reasons. What I would say is dont fret over the age thing. My clinician told me that from 40 it nose dives for the majority of women. All perimenopause/menopause symptoms differ from woman to woman. Those that still can and can get on with it, good for you 👏🏻👏🏻

Teenagehorrorbag · 02/02/2025 18:27

InDogweRust · 01/02/2025 17:28

I was chatting with friends about this only a few weeks ago. On here lots of people say they are still at it like rabbits in their 50s and later. In RL i have lots of friends who've said from early 40s/peri onwards, they just have very low libido and only have sex every few months. I make an effort about once a week, usually enjoy it etc but the drive is not there, i could easily without. I think a lot of women could.

Same here. I had an early menopause and lost interest mid 40s I think, now 60. We do it once a week and I don't not enjoy it - but it does feel more like a chore than something I look forward to. Sometimes it's lovely and we cuddle afterwards which is nice, but I could happily never do it again.

Praying4Peace · 02/02/2025 18:32

winfongdown · 02/02/2025 10:57

I would be interested to know how many of the women who say they have no interest are not on HRT.

I'm not interested and I'm not on HRT! Can't ever imagine having sex again

babasaclover · 02/02/2025 18:35

Kuretake · 01/02/2025 17:17

Interesting, I feel like this. Also mid 40s. I enjoy sex when we do it but I have no particular desire to ever. Don't know what happened

This sums me up but I think a lot of people feel like this but just don't say it?

Rachie1973 · 02/02/2025 18:37

I’m 50, probably gone downhill libido wise for about 10 years. Citalopram really affected my drive. Still did engage because I love my husband and want him to be happy.

However, because of his cancer and pain levels his sex drive has completely gone really too. If he wanted to he wouldn’t be able to now.

So it’s been over a year and I really can’t imagine ever being interested again.

Cotonsugar · 02/02/2025 18:39

Early forties. Stopped being attracted to partner☹️

Nain5 · 02/02/2025 18:41

I am 70 this summer, happy with once a week. What has helped me - HRT, a good lubricant forget KY jelly or anything with alcohol if you get vaginal atrophy it burns like hell, Boots do any excellent one at a reasonable price bluey green bottle, patience when things go wrong sometimes, never wearing nightwear, therapy and most important communicating my needs to my lovely husband of 50 years. I hope you sort things OP and any of this helps any one of you lovely ladies out there even better. x