… for married couples, to ask what age you stopped having sex?

[Thowawayname]

To give some context, I’m early-mid 40s, married almost 20 years, one DD just started at Uni. I’d say we’ve always had a good relationship, no financial issues and very comfortable, good careers , so I feel very very fortunate in the grand scheme of things.

My question for married or long term couples is what age you stopped having sex?

And adding more detail…

I had some health issues a few years ago, early onset menopause and now really have close to zero libido. HRT is not an option.

I continue to have sex with DH, but we’ve never really discussed my libido issue. I enjoy the closeness. I also know what he likes, and I like pleasing him if that makes sense. I deliberately take the initiative too sometimes, and do make an effort … you know what I mean :) But at the end of the day, it feels like a job, like gardening (which I don’t enjoy), or cooking ( which I don’t enjoy) or emptying the dishwasher!!

I guess that bottom line is I’d be happy to not have sex again, not just DH, but with anyone.

I can’t really ask many people this in RL. My only sibling is 12 years older than me, and she’s still very active, or so she says.

I have some upcoming sessions with a recommended therapist with expertise in this area. This has helped me in other situations in the past. So I’m not especially asking for advice here, just the age question really.

Apologies for the long rambling post.

Late 40s. Still going fairly strong.

I’m sure it won’t be as frequent when I’m 75 but I hope it will still happen pretty regularly.

It has at times felt a bit like a core, but even then I felt better after (like going to the gym I guess)

I would explore ways to bring your libido up if I were you. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with deciding you CBA, but don’t think it’s compatible with being in a relationship

There is one middle aged couple I know who are very ‘active’. I only know because their friends and family all joke about it and it gives everyone the ick.

How on earth do people know about their sexual activity?? Do they tell them? How absolutely weird.

I'd have more than the ick if I felt friends and family knew about and joked about me having sex with my husband.

To be fair , lacking a sex life in a relationship it normally means other issues .

More evidence that you shouldn't believe every random thing you see posted online.

Like vaginal atrophy and a lack of a libido?

Some couples still have sex in their fifties and older, but a lot do not. Touch is still important though.

You're only in your 40s. Give it 5-10 years. Your hormones will change, your body will start changing. You don't know what that will mean for you individually.

People who haven't experienced atrophy, even mild, have no idea the havoc it can cause.

@farmlife2 I agree. Women who have never had it think its is just about penetration.

For me, it probably is, but I'm younger and it's very mild.

It's an awful clash of older men taking a lot longer to finish too, while my body isn't up for that. They have their changes too.

I'm actually quite annoyed about Viagra. It's the only reason my DH is able to do it in the first place and it doesn't just die a natural death.

You have no idea what is going on in other people's relationships or lives.

I'm 64, hubby is 65 and our sex life now is the best it's been since we were teenagers. Been together 47 years. It dipped down whilst we had kids and for a couple of years again when I was menopausal but we managed to keep the spark going. I think communication is the key. We've always talked about what we were feeling/wanted and compromised where necessary.

For those posting that sex is about the chance of procreation, how do you explain gay sex and relationships?

I don't think anyone said it was only about procreation. What I read was that those who linked it to procreation argued it could be natural for libido to drop off when fertility decreases or stops (though obviously that doesn't happen for everyone). If that is the case, then I would expect that same sex female couples would experience a drop of libido linked to hormones that govern fertility as well. Maybe less so for men, who are fertile all their lives in general, but who also may experience less interest as they age and testosterone decreases.

We are having potential relationship ending issues because dh believes what youre asking - that I’d happily never have it again- but I would, I love him, I enjoy sex, I’m just bloody tired because of life and so end up never initiating. He says it’s like I’m not attracted to him and possibly don’t love him and he doesn’t know how to get over the sadness and I’m sad he thinks it so we have long heartbreaking conversations that go nowhere except him asking can we have counselling and me thinking it can’t possibly help because how could he ever have thought I don’t love him. I’m 44

I've got to say if you are having conversations that go nowhere, and a male partner who is actually asking to go to counselling, then yes I would definitely do that. I hope you find a way forward together.

I'm not quite sure I disagree with him here. Your partner has raised an issue in the relationship that impacting him. He's approached this js a reasonable way. You're choosing not to engage and seek help to improve the situation.
Unless there is an underlying serious problem (health, financial worries, child issues) you can't just blame "life" as a reason to disconnect from your relationship. It doesn't work that way. You've a responsibility to find time, energy and headspace to work on the relationship that you freely entered into. Otherwise you're not being reasonable.

Another no return OP got everyone talking about their sex life.

I agree too. Some of the posters on this thread are going to be horrified at some point in the future.

Why would their husbands not want to partake in the swinging? I cannot think of a man that would say no to this if his wife suggested it.

@3luckystars

Well I wouldn't for a start. I don't know if any of my male friends who would be in the least bit interested in swinging with their partner.

Actually, I think lots of men are pretty conservative sexually, despite common presumption that they're up for anything. Some would definitely be hurt or angry that a partner wants a bit of strange.

Some men like the idea in theory. The reality not so much.

In practice, they're prone to experience anxiety, jealousy and disappointment over it, (particularly when the wife gets more interest/action 😂).

I also think there's a common misconception that men are generally more "sexual" or "horny" than women.

I think that's total rubbish. A woman is just as likely to want frequent good enjoyable sex than a man. Even a cursory look through the sex forum on this site (which is overwhelmingly female) shows that women are just as into sex and experimentation as men and are just as frustrated as all men supposedly are.

Bartoz

You are so so right. It was unreasonable of me but I didn’t know it had become a thing until he told me afterwards so we are where we are, it’s hard when you’ve four kids, pets and both have jobs, and I write books too, have mothers that need help etc etc. At nighttime I get into bed almost crying with exhaustion. Counselling is pointless because he he thinks they’ll give us answers after nearly a year of us sinking because he doesn’t know if I love him and me trying to convince him while learning to live without him

I would be interested to know how many of the women who say they have no interest are not on HRT.