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AIBU?

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Original poster

… for married couples, to ask what age you stopped having sex?

365 replies

Thowawayname · 01/02/2025 16:59

To give some context, I’m early-mid 40s, married almost 20 years, one DD just started at Uni. I’d say we’ve always had a good relationship, no financial issues and very comfortable, good careers , so I feel very very fortunate in the grand scheme of things.

My question for married or long term couples is what age you stopped having sex?

And adding more detail…

I had some health issues a few years ago, early onset menopause and now really have close to zero libido. HRT is not an option.

I continue to have sex with DH, but we’ve never really discussed my libido issue. I enjoy the closeness. I also know what he likes, and I like pleasing him if that makes sense. I deliberately take the initiative too sometimes, and do make an effort … you know what I mean :) But at the end of the day, it feels like a job, like gardening (which I don’t enjoy), or cooking ( which I don’t enjoy) or emptying the dishwasher!!

I guess that bottom line is I’d be happy to not have sex again, not just DH, but with anyone.

I can’t really ask many people this in RL. My only sibling is 12 years older than me, and she’s still very active, or so she says.

I have some upcoming sessions with a recommended therapist with expertise in this area. This has helped me in other situations in the past. So I’m not especially asking for advice here, just the age question really.

Apologies for the long rambling post.

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 01/02/2025 22:53

mypingpongbat · 01/02/2025 17:30

Mine went mid 40s - end of marriage, had no desire to ever have sex again and just took that as given. Then a new relationship and guess what… libido back with a bang. Early 50s now.

Do you think that could be some kind of bonding hormone driving your libido? Sex is what marks out a “pair” relationship as different from a friendship or familial relationship in the early years.

It would be interesting to see if you libido tails off again a few years into the relationship.

Bluejacket · 01/02/2025 22:53

MissJoGrant · 01/02/2025 17:27

Without being too graphic, there are other ways of having sex.

Show quote history

Exactly!

Bibi12 · 01/02/2025 22:54

MumWifeOther · 01/02/2025 20:35

So wait you think we only enjoy sex for the purpose of procreation!? Why would women have been given a clitoris and a g spot if we weren’t supposed to enjoy and explore sex???

Edited
Show quote history

Exactly. And why would people have sex drives outside of ovulation window, during pregnancy or after menopause?

Sex is not just for procreation, it also serves as bonding experience and stress relief.

RudbekiasAreSun · 01/02/2025 22:54

Nearing the 50s. Can do it daily, can also live without it. Weird. Have a healthy husband and a healthy sexual relationship

I am not sure is about libido. Sex starts in the mind where desire is, so you can suppress these thoughts or indulge them and do something about it

Bluejacket · 01/02/2025 23:00

Thowawayname · 01/02/2025 16:59

To give some context, I’m early-mid 40s, married almost 20 years, one DD just started at Uni. I’d say we’ve always had a good relationship, no financial issues and very comfortable, good careers , so I feel very very fortunate in the grand scheme of things.

My question for married or long term couples is what age you stopped having sex?

And adding more detail…

I had some health issues a few years ago, early onset menopause and now really have close to zero libido. HRT is not an option.

I continue to have sex with DH, but we’ve never really discussed my libido issue. I enjoy the closeness. I also know what he likes, and I like pleasing him if that makes sense. I deliberately take the initiative too sometimes, and do make an effort … you know what I mean :) But at the end of the day, it feels like a job, like gardening (which I don’t enjoy), or cooking ( which I don’t enjoy) or emptying the dishwasher!!

I guess that bottom line is I’d be happy to not have sex again, not just DH, but with anyone.

I can’t really ask many people this in RL. My only sibling is 12 years older than me, and she’s still very active, or so she says.

I have some upcoming sessions with a recommended therapist with expertise in this area. This has helped me in other situations in the past. So I’m not especially asking for advice here, just the age question really.

Apologies for the long rambling post.

Early/mid 70’s. Married 53 years this year. But less often… maybe every couple of weeks. We did have a dry spell around beginning of menopause but it got better.

Dontsayyouloveme · 01/02/2025 23:01

Try testosterone gel, it’s not considered HRT and is great for energy levels and libido!

ooooohnoooooo · 01/02/2025 23:02

Almost 60. Still at it with no plans to stop. I like it 😆 (so does he !)

Eyeslikethesea · 01/02/2025 23:07

During 10 year postnatal depression/clinical depression period, absolutely no libido, re discovered it when I realised I was going through menopause and put on hrt, libido came back with a vengeance but my husband has no interest so it’s now been 8 years since any intimacy and I am slowly going insane. I’ve been with my husband 25 years this year and I’m not sure I can go another year with no intimacy (not even kisses, hugs etc). I can’t blame him, when I was ill I put on a lot of weight (which I’m slowly losing) and was so very sad all the time. But not once did he reach out to talk about what was happening. It’s no life really for either of us

fc123 · 01/02/2025 23:07

happydappy2 · 01/02/2025 21:28

This thread is fascinating. I think I read somewhere that a womans sexual desire tends to wane when her daughter is of an age to be sexually active. It's' almost as if nature has done its job in having the 1st woman procreate, produce a 2nd female who can then do the same....or maybe it's just the fact that after living with a man for 20 years women don't find them sexually attractive anymore?

I had a long marriage and didn't really notice a decline in my libido as such during menopause (I had few issues so was lucky) but during at least the last decade of a 37 year relationship I just didn't fancy him in the way I did before.

Part of this was suppressed emotions (on my part) due to his various infidelities over the years and the other part was he had got fat and if I'm truly honest with myself, I found him physically unattractive.

Post divorce my libido went through the roof at age 59 to the point I didn't know how to handle it. I had a year of recovery, discovering myself and lots of DIY sex with all the new toys that now exist.

I then took a trip to India and had an instant 'energy' and sexual attraction to someone a year older and we've been long distance lovers for 2 years now.

I've never known sex like it, it's off the scale ☺️, and we meet up for a week or 2 every few weeks (he lives in the EU).

I've read up on Crone Age and honestly my body is working exactly as it did when I was 20. No need for lube etc but that may be because he's so good at it or we're just very sexually compatible.

This works for me at this stage in my life but we will never live together or be a FT couple as we don't tick each others boxes in that respect.

We just have this insatiable physical attraction to each other and it's very special but it works as we have a few weeks off inbetween meet ups which gives us both space to live our own lives, creates a build up of 'longing' and we're going to enjoy it as long as it lasts.

Angrymum22 · 01/02/2025 23:11

Ours stopped abruptly when DH had a stroke at 60. I would have found this difficult had I not just started hormone blockers for breast cancer.
DH still has a libido but unfortunately has ED, he can’t take meds at the moment due to other meds. My zero libido does mean I happily go along with it but when I stop taking hormone blockers I wonder if my libido will return. We were certainly very active until DH had his stroke but like other posters I had a dip in my 40s. We had DS late so that was the 0-10 era.
Life can throw all manner of shit at you. Make the most of it while you can.

Parky04 · 01/02/2025 23:15

She decided that at the age of 53, she didn't want sex anymore. We got divorced. We were married 25 years!

Switcher · 01/02/2025 23:19

I'm 47 and I'd be happy to have sex once or twice a year. Obviously that wouldn't work for my DH. I'm just too tired.

IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle · 01/02/2025 23:31

Bartoz · 01/02/2025 19:36

@IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle

If I could just comment on what you wrote.....

I think the definition of "sex" (especially in a committed relationship) is wider than just physical intercourse. Sexual desire (in the widest sense) does not necessarily diminish in a linear way along with physical age. Yes, women (and men) find sexual intercourse increasingly difficult as the sexual organs age, but that does not necessarily limit sexual enjoyment amongst older people.

HRT largely addresses (to varying effectiveness) the physical aspect of hormonal atrophy in women. However sexual desire is psychological and is a response to environmental factors (usually). Nurturing these external factors (in a relationship) goes a long way in maintaining sexual desire.

I'm not interested in maintaining sexual desire.

IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle · 01/02/2025 23:36

LizzieSiddal · 01/02/2025 21:26

No she does not need to see her GP, unless she feels she wants too.
It makes me feel really uncomfortable when people (mainly women) are told they need to medicalise themselves inorder to perform sex when they don’t want to!

Show quote history

Me too. Especially when it's other women telling them.

fatherfurlong · 01/02/2025 23:38

Another one finding this thread fascinating! My husband is over 70 me in my late 60's. We had a good sex life up to my menopause. It would not bother me if I never had sex again. As plenty have mentioned as women age the vaginal skin gets thinner & more easily irritated, its drier too so penetrative sex is painful.
I am more ameanable if he puts the bins out, cooks, hoovers the stairs or fixes something but at my age I find it a chore rather than a pleasure. I no longer pleasure myself as I have got no inclination for that either.
And like a previous poster said I hate that there is the expectation that women should be medicated so they are more prepared for sex.

Crazyworldmum · 01/02/2025 23:43

I didn’t realise you are supposed to stop . We are both in our 40s and still quite enjoy sex. My parents are in their mid 60s and I know for a fact they still have sex they have been married 45 years .

IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle · 01/02/2025 23:51

Crazyworldmum · 01/02/2025 23:43

I didn’t realise you are supposed to stop . We are both in our 40s and still quite enjoy sex. My parents are in their mid 60s and I know for a fact they still have sex they have been married 45 years .

Nobody is saying you are supposed to stop.

Many posters are saying you aren't supposed to stop and you should medical treatment if you don't want to have sex. There are some dreadful posts on this thread.

SwordToFlamethrower · 01/02/2025 23:54

Nearly 48 and I love sex, so does my husband, who is nearly 40

colleysmill · 01/02/2025 23:56

About 9 years ago - dh was early 40s I was mid 30s. Occasionally (once a year ish) we would, but now even less than that.

Used to really really bother me but you don't miss what you don't have. Rarely even think about it these days

BetterWithPockets · 02/02/2025 00:07

Kuretake · 01/02/2025 17:17

Interesting, I feel like this. Also mid 40s. I enjoy sex when we do it but I have no particular desire to ever. Don't know what happened

This is me except early 50s…

Nosebooper · 02/02/2025 00:26

InDogweRust · 01/02/2025 17:28

I was chatting with friends about this only a few weeks ago. On here lots of people say they are still at it like rabbits in their 50s and later. In RL i have lots of friends who've said from early 40s/peri onwards, they just have very low libido and only have sex every few months. I make an effort about once a week, usually enjoy it etc but the drive is not there, i could easily without. I think a lot of women could.

I agree with this. I don't know where all these MNetters are who are at it like rabbits, but from talking to my friends, nearly all of them, no, in fact all of them went off sex around when they became menopausal or peri. They say they wouldn't care if they never had sex again.

Littlemisscapable · 02/02/2025 00:33

Nosebooper · 02/02/2025 00:26

I agree with this. I don't know where all these MNetters are who are at it like rabbits, but from talking to my friends, nearly all of them, no, in fact all of them went off sex around when they became menopausal or peri. They say they wouldn't care if they never had sex again.

Show quote history

Yep 1000000% most of my friends post kids have absolutely no interest but going along with it with for dhs

JoyousGreyOrca · 02/02/2025 00:38

MissJoGrant · 01/02/2025 17:27

Without being too graphic, there are other ways of having sex.

Show quote history

I do not think you understand vaginal atrophy. It is not just about penetration.

Emma6cat · 02/02/2025 00:51

Late 50's, love DH dearly but both of us no libido.

Screamingabdabz · 02/02/2025 00:53

Nosebooper · 02/02/2025 00:26

I agree with this. I don't know where all these MNetters are who are at it like rabbits, but from talking to my friends, nearly all of them, no, in fact all of them went off sex around when they became menopausal or peri. They say they wouldn't care if they never had sex again.

Show quote history

I think this is more the reality from my experience of talking to friends and family. Lots still do it for their husbands which I think is wrong but each to their own.

There is one middle aged couple I know who are very ‘active’. I only know because their friends and family all joke about it and it gives everyone the ick.