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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would you do in my situation?

159 replies

Alwaybkind · 01/02/2025 09:39

My brother left rehab yesterday as he wasn’t able to sleep for 7 days he finally cracked and left after being there for over two months. He has lost his place at the rehab now. I went and found him and now he is in an Airbnb 5 minutes from me an hour away from our hometown where he usually lives. Mum is staying with him too to keep an eye on him.

Im willing to commit and allow him to move in with him whilst we get him back on his feet. DH thinks I’m wasting my time. Our life is stressful as it work and kids. But I don’t feel like I can just abandon him.

But I think if we both pull together and support him we could do it.

Am I being completely bonkers? I’m willing to give him one chance.

OP posts:
annonymousse · 01/02/2025 09:42

It depends on the back story. What stands out to me is that you have children. What might you be exposing them to?

Fencehedge · 01/02/2025 09:43

Allowing addict to live with my children after abandoning rehab, husband not on board = no

MrsKwazi · 01/02/2025 09:48

Nope
He is an addict
You have kids
Is he really going to change?
He didn’t even engage with the professionals, why do you think YOU will make a difference (meant kindly)
It is very very hard but you really don’t need this in your life.
Not sure if it’s alcohol or drugs, but if drugs you are also inviting a criminal element to the drug taking into your life, really not fair on your family.

LIZS · 01/02/2025 09:49

You are well intended but are at risk of overwhelming yourself and putting your family at risk. Seek professional support for him, dropping out is pretty common.

TheSandgroper · 01/02/2025 09:51

You can’t be the lifeboat to someone who keeps jumping out.

Kids and husband first.

ScaredOfDinosaurs · 01/02/2025 09:53

No no no no

Do not bring a fragile addict into your home where your children are.

That's gross negligence and putting them at serious risk.

He needs to be kept well away from them until he's been a long time clean.

jeaux90 · 01/02/2025 09:54

I would not be bringing him into my home with DC no.

Bunkbedbunk · 01/02/2025 09:54

What everyone else has already said - no
You have a greater responsibility to your DC and DH than your brother. And you're not a rehab professional. And you haven't even said if your brother is willing to improve. Even if he is - still no

NowThatYouSayIt · 01/02/2025 09:55

It’s not that it’s wasting your time, it’s that you’re potentially exposing young children to dangerous behaviour, and the unedifying and frightening experience of having an addict who’s relapsed in their home.

SauvignonBlonk · 01/02/2025 09:55

I’d safeguard your children and say No.
Doesn't sound like he wants to change OP. He’s had plenty of opportunities to change and lots of support.

YoungGunsHavingSomeFunCrazyLadiesKeepEmOnTheRun · 01/02/2025 09:57

I had to cut off my brother who is an addict for the sake of my kids, I didn't want that behaviour normalised, his addiction meant more to him than anything else, and I couldn't help someone who wouldn't help themselves.

You're responsibility is to your dc.

TheyCallMeMrsBug · 01/02/2025 10:04

OP, I understand how you feel, my sister is also an addict and she got kicked out of rehab for using drugs on the premises.

I desperately want to help her but she doesn’t yet want to be clean. There is nothing any of us can say or do that will make her see sense.

I have had to accept that it is her life to live how she sees fit, she is an adult making her choices, they might not be what I would consider the right choices.

Please don’t do this to your family. Your brother will seek help when he is ready and he will engage with the professionals. Stay in touch at a distance and welcome him with open arms when he has done the work he needs to do, sadly you can’t do it for him.

Imgoingtobefree · 01/02/2025 10:05

I agree with everyone.

However, that doesn’t mean you can’t support him in other ways.

It may be in time that he can move in with you, but you’d need to see him living a stable life first. Plus you’d have to factor in the worst possible outcome as well as the best.

It’s lovely that you want to help him and we often feel responsibility for our siblings. He has your mum and maybe you can best help in supporting her.

My brother (mental health problems, no drugs) moved in with us for a couple of months and stayed for 5 years. In spite of him knowing we wanted our house back and it was time for him to move on - he was just too comfortable with us (no rent) to get his arse into gear and sort himself out. He was working at the time, so he could have done it.

Lighteningstrikes · 01/02/2025 10:09

I really feel for you and your poor mum.

Sleep deprivation is a serious matter.

What caused it? His demons? Other patients?

Addicts can become violent when they don’t get their own way.

Divebar2021 · 01/02/2025 10:09

what is his actual plan then? Move to an air b n b and do what ? How is he paying for it?

Fencehedge · 01/02/2025 10:10

Divebar2021 · 01/02/2025 10:09

what is his actual plan then? Move to an air b n b and do what ? How is he paying for it?

I bet Mum is paying for it. I bet Mum also paid for the rehab..

ZekeZeke · 01/02/2025 10:13

You don’t need to cut him off, you can support him and your mother in other ways.
Your number 1 responsibility is to your children and your DH.
I would 100% agree with every other poster. Do not take him into your home.

Happyinarcon · 01/02/2025 10:14

I would need more information about why he wasn’t sleeping for 7 days in rehab, but he can now sleep in an Airbnb.

Daleksatemyshed · 01/02/2025 10:21

Op, you're a lovely sister but what your planning could ruin your happy home and your relationship with your DB. Your DH has an equal say in who lives with you, your DB could go back to his addiction, your DC shouldn't live with an addict and if he overstays his welcome you'll have to throw him out. There's too many chances for this to blow up on you

Catza · 01/02/2025 10:23

You are really bonkers. Addiction is a medical condition that requires therapeutic and, often, medical intervention. You are not a clinician (presumably) so you have zero skills no matter how much you all "pull together".
He left rehab which shows lack of commitment to change. He had options to discuss his sleep issues with staff, instead, he chose to bail. That should tell you everything.

unsync · 01/02/2025 10:25

No. Why is it up to you to save him? Why do you think you can succeed when trained professionals have failed? Why do you want to expose your children to this? Give your head a wobble and listen to your husband.

StrawberryWater · 01/02/2025 10:28

You can’t help someone who can’t help themselves.

No way would I move him, an active addict who abandoned rehab, in with kids around and my husband no also on board.

Original poster
Alwaybkind · 01/02/2025 10:29

The rehab forgot to get him his sleeping pills so that is what caused it He got wound up and left.

Mum never paid for the rehab he was referred.

My plan is to keep him here with us continue taking him to his NA meetings and keeping him in touch with our local drug rehab service.

i believe he has undiagnosed ADHD so I want to take him to the doctors and get the ball rolling for that.

Im sure im completely mad but cant help but want to try 😩

OP posts:
SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 01/02/2025 10:29

No, it’s unfair to your children and is most unlikely to help your brother sadly.

Shoxfordian · 01/02/2025 10:31

I wouldn't expose my kids to a drug addict, he's clearly not ready to change or he'd have stayed in rehab

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