What would you do in my situation?

[Alwaybkind]

My brother left rehab yesterday as he wasn’t able to sleep for 7 days he finally cracked and left after being there for over two months. He has lost his place at the rehab now. I went and found him and now he is in an Airbnb 5 minutes from me an hour away from our hometown where he usually lives. Mum is staying with him too to keep an eye on him.

Im willing to commit and allow him to move in with him whilst we get him back on his feet. DH thinks I’m wasting my time. Our life is stressful as it work and kids. But I don’t feel like I can just abandon him.

But I think if we both pull together and support him we could do it.

Am I being completely bonkers? I’m willing to give him one chance.

He chose to walk out of rehab.
You can't fix this.

your brother had help and doesn't want it. You can't help your brother unless he wants this himself

it may make you feel better, but that doesn't tackle the problem

sorry this is happening, its shit

Oh no, he lost his place! That's a real shame. Personally wouldn't have him around my children. Could your mum keep him for a bit? Then he could present as homeless to the council.

If he is homeless doesn’t the council have a duty to put him up somewhere? Ask Shelter, his GP, etc for guidance too. Can he stay with your mum? I wouldn’t have him home if it was me, no. If I was single maybe, but you have kids and a husband who (understandably) isn’t on board - defo not fair on them. I’m sorry op, it sounds awful and you are clearly a caring sister but he needs to do this for himself (and he chose to leave rehab, and the sleeping pills story sounds decidedly dubious too…)

But I think if we both pull together and support him we could do it.

Who are the both here?

As the sibling of an addict , don't move him in with your children. I'd be slow to believe his story about why he walked out of the rehab as well . Don't inflict this chaos on your children, no child needs to be around an addict and you've no idea what you are doing. It's time he learned the consequences of his actions and all around him need to stop enabling him. He walked out when he knew he'd no where to go , so it's up to him to figure it out. That's life!

Im willing to commit and allow him to move in with him whilst we get him back on his feet.

Presumably there is a typo as it says 'move in with him'?

I wasn't sure if you meant you were going to move in with him- or him into your house?

If you want him to move in with your family I don't think it's a good idea.

It will change the dynamics and not great for your kids.

Support him in other ways?

This 🙏

I don’t think you can say yes if your DH doesn’t agree. This website is littered with posts about “DH did this and I didn’t agree” and “DP did that when I said we can’t” and something that big of an undertaking has to be by mutual agreement.

So I didn’t sleep for days once. I went to my drs and they sent me to hospital to medically put me to sleep for like 48 hours?

however this was 35 years ago….not sure if they’ll still do it. I had to be in a hospital whilst it was done…no idea what it was but it was an infection that they gave me the highest dose. Wish I remembered what it was.

I think part of what we are seeing is the old addict’s trick of putting the work off -“I’ll stop drinking after Christmas” “I’ll give up smoking when my kids are older” and, in this case, “I’ll give up the drugs when I can sleep”.
In actual fact there will always be something that prevents them from taking real steps.
I also agree that bringing this person into a home with children would be very risky.

Your mum should have him and if she won't, then that shows you shouldn't either (esp given your family situation).

It will turn bad very quickly, and even if he somehow became angelic, it's going to get annoying having someone else in your house when he inevitably won't move out.

But realistically I think you'll just end up worried sick in the night wondering when he's wandered off to, and depending on your home setup could be a security risk for you when he's wandering out at night leaving doors unlocked.

I cannot believe your children are so low in your priorities - as a Mother your children should be put first!

Just to add - you only know what your brother has told you about his sleeping pills - if he was at a rehabilitation clinic for narcotics, it's very very likely that they were and are monitoring all substances that he's using and it's very possible that they didn't give him his sleeping pills for a very good reason.

Do you have the name/number of the person who your brother was admitted under in the Rehab? Could you contact them and ask their advice? Tell them you know your brother is currently safe but that won't last for long and you're very concerned for his safety and well being and what could they advise.

I work in addiction.

I'm addicted to nicotine myself.

I understand addiction.

The sleeping pills is just an excuse to leave. He doesn't want to be there. The addiction is currently where he feels comfortable.

You cannot cure him.

Addiction is complex. It may start for a million reasons.

But once it's ingrained there's only one real reason to get out.

And that's because the addict realises that the life they're living is not as good as the life they could be living.

That's the only thing that stops ingrained addiction. And it has to come from the addict.

And, ultimately attempts to 'save' by family members often entrench addiction because there's shame and obligation and dynamics attached. Which, when failure and judgement are attached can send an addict into a spiral of use.

So when I say walk away with compassion and kindness @Alwaybkind, that actually is the best thing you can do for him. Really.

No no no.
you have framed this in your mind as you being kind but actually it would be you being selfish. Yes, you might feel better about yourself but it would be to the detriment of you kids, your DH and actually your brother too. Think of others instead of yourself and do not do this.

I think it’s natural that you want to help him. He’s your brother and presumably you were close once.

But the reality is that he needs to want to help himself, and right now his walking out of rehab clearly demonstrates that he doesn’t.

TBH moving him into your house doesn’t just expose your children to a drug addict, you’ll be exposing them to the people who drug addicts come into contact with, drug dealers and the like, and what if there is any dispute over drugs or payment, these people aren’t the types you want around your children.

I’m guessing that when you think of him you still think of him as the brother you knew pre addiction. But he’s not. That person is gone, and now you need to face up to the fact that he’s a different person, and you can’t put your family at risk for him.

You have to make sure you are not enabling him in any way.

He has to take responsibility and control for his recovery.

At an absolute push, you could give him a room to keep him off the street and to give him a chance to keep his current sobriety.

BUT it is with zero other help and zero tolerance:

He sorts his prescriptions / appointments
He sorts our benefits
He sorts out NA meetings
He contributes to household chores and cooking OR does his own stuff completely

If he stops going to meetings or there is even a suspicion he's using again he's out on the streets / finds a shelter that day.

I can speak from experience because we have a relative who was/is an alcoholic and has done drugs before. They've had the odd stint in rehab and psychiatric wards but nothing has ever really worked and they have always reverted to type.

Do not accept him into your house to live. Do not expose your children to this. He is not reliably rehabiltated yet, if he ever will be. He has demonstrated this amply by throwing in the towel at such an early stage.

If he slips back into his old ways (he almost certainly will) then he will expose your children to some shocking behaviour and potentially traumatise them (and you too).

If you have a husband or partner then it also won't be fair on them either.

Your brother needs to be in touch with the local council because he will need urgent housing. Contact Adult Social Services about him as a matter of urgency too. Tell them all that neither you nor your mother can take this on or house him, or continue to pay his rent in an Airbnb. Don't back down.

I don't know whether he will be allowed to apply for rehab again or has any chance of being accepted, but that also needs to be explored, and the consequences of his actions/inactions rammed home to him.

He will get no priority for housing if he moves in with you. He will never get near the top of the list because the local authority or housing associations will consider him adequately housed. You would be stuck in a potentially dire situation with your children in tow too.

Don't! Just don't!

So my addict brother has been staying with us for a year now and it’s tough. I don’t expect him to change but just trying to ensure he’s alive really. He’s hopefully moving into his own place soon but it’s taking a long time and it has taken its toll on my marriage.

It's ultimately up to him whether he's alive or not.

It's absolutely not your responsibility to ensure he wakes up tomorrow.

All you're doing is entrenching behaviour patterns and allowing his addiction to continue.

At your detriment.

That is unfair on you and your partner. Hence the toll on your marriage. You don't mention any children, but OP definitely does and it is not in their best interests to be exposed to this.

As OP's brother has demonstrated, and I have seen myself in our own wider family, even the professionals struggle with this and successful rehab is never guaranteed.

Sorry but I'm with your husband.

An addict has to want to change and leaving rehab is worrying.

I'm so sorry OP, it's really hard. My dad is an alcoholic and has a lot of MH issues, so while I've not been in your situation, I do have some idea what it's like.

I've found al-anon and the 3 'c's very helpful - you didn't cause his addiction, you can't control his addiction, you can't cure his addiction. It's so hard, but I do believe it's true.

I agree with many PP who say your biggest responsibility here is to your children and this isn't a good idea.

Could you stretch to a studio apartment for him really close to you? And you go visit him and he comes for dinner a couple of times a week? Sorry that's all I've got