What would you do in my situation?

[Alwaybkind]

My brother left rehab yesterday as he wasn’t able to sleep for 7 days he finally cracked and left after being there for over two months. He has lost his place at the rehab now. I went and found him and now he is in an Airbnb 5 minutes from me an hour away from our hometown where he usually lives. Mum is staying with him too to keep an eye on him.

Im willing to commit and allow him to move in with him whilst we get him back on his feet. DH thinks I’m wasting my time. Our life is stressful as it work and kids. But I don’t feel like I can just abandon him.

But I think if we both pull together and support him we could do it.

Am I being completely bonkers? I’m willing to give him one chance.

Actually no, I didn’t mean it flippantly. The poster I quoted said rehabs can be noisy and that in the OP’s shoes they would move said addict into their home. I was trying to point out that there may be other solutions available that don’t involve the addict leaving rehab.

Op, I think you are very caring of your brother to offer that, but why do you think you can succeed where the professionals have failed?

The line about not being able to sleep? Do you believe it? Rehab can’t be an easy place at all but did he have access to ear phones or ear plugs? He must have slept at some point? Did he crack from lack of sleep or did he use again?

From what I have read, most addicts take two or three attempts to get clean? So in your shoes, definitely don’t let him lose the place he has now. Support him there. I would support him to find a charity or an outreach centre or some here where he can seek further treatment. And then visit often to provide moral support and maybe some freshly cooked meals? Don’t involve your dc.

From what I have read, most addicts take two or three attempts to get clean?

Most addicts never get clean.

My brother went into rehab 1st feb last year, self funded, he was there for 1 month for substance abuse. He did the full month but ti be honest should have done longer, you can be with him and keep an eye on him all he wants, it's now down to him. My brother unfortunately hasn't cut the friends out that he needs to and does fall off the wagon, then get pissed off at himself get depressed for a few weeks ans then gets back to normal, rinse ans repeat etc..
Your brother having been in for 2 months should now have the tools to help himself, he should also have started to make a plan about what he was going to do after rehab etc.. sorry this isn't much help, I've been there though so can sympathise

I would support him to find a charity or an outreach centre or some here where he can seek further treatment

This would be my own approach, @Alongleadtimeplease, but the key point is that he has to want it himself, and that if he doesn't no amount of input is going to make a difference

Especially not moving him into OP's home, which would simply offer an opportunity to hide the issues - to say nothing of the risks to the family

If it’s that easy OP everyone would do it and there’d be no rehab! Please put your kids first. Part of the recovery process means addicts need to realise it’s ultimately down to them and nobody can rescue them

Sorry, yes, to be clear, I meant the percentage of those who do get clean, take several
attempts.

I agree it should be emphasised that only 20% or so recover completely. That link is very useful.

Totally agree that the will to recover has to come from the addict themselves.

But op was asking what we would do in her shoes and that would be my personal strategy.

I also strongly recommended that the op should not let him in to her home as follows:

“So in your shoes, definitely don’t let him lose the place he has now. Support him there”

so not quite sure why you are querying that?

I think op feels like she needs and wants to do something to help. And support her mother in helping too, which is why I answered as I did.

My fault for putting it badly, @Alongleadtimeplease - rather than querying what you wrote I was actually agreeing with you

As you rightly said, supporting him to access help himself could be a lot more effective in the end and certainly safer for OP's immediate family

The rehab clinic probably didn’t forget to give your brother sleeping tablets. They didn’t want him becoming addicted to those next or relying on them permanently, instead of sorting out his sleeping patterns.

I know that you’re desperate to help your brother, but moving him into your home is definitely not the answer.

Please do not under any circumstances move an addict in with your kids.
Speaking from experience this would be the worst thing you could do and could have serious repercussions for them.

I can see you love your brother and are desperate to help him but by thinking you can support him in the ways you've mentioned you're enabling him.
As others have said, addicts lie. They lie about everything so you can guarantee that somewhere along the line, he's lying to you. There is absolutely nothing YOU can do to stop him using. Nothing. It doesn't matter how many meetings you take him too etc, unless he has decided to do by himself for himself then it won't happen. I would suggest you tell him that when he's been attending regular NA meetings several times a week (or even every day if necessary) for a year minimum, with all the step work and a sponsor, then you will consider helping him. I know this sounds harsh but it's a long and hard road to recovery and you should really do a lot more research and talking to the relevant people to start understanding this.

Personally, my experiences of living with an addict was horrendous. My story does have a happy ending but most don't. Please don't knowingly go down that road.

He walked out of his rehab for a spurious reason. He’s not 100% committed to quitting. How on earth will you boot him out of your house when he starts drinking again. Don’t put yourself through that. It’s heart breaking but you can’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

I'm not sure I'd believe that about the sleeping pills, OP. They have a duty of care to him and surely he would remind them they hadn't given him his pills? Surely he's speaking to staff in the daytime and could say he hadn't slept?

OP, picture a scenario where one of your children walks in on your brother taking drugs or sees him when he is high. Imagine your child discussing it at school and social services getting involved. I work with children and 100% I would report if I knew a child was living with an addict. Sorry, but our safeguarding duties are to the children!

Help your brother find accommodation for himself and protect your kids. Maybe he can move in with your mum?

There is no way I would move a drug addict in with my children. However much I loved him. They should come first and you shouldn't need us to tell you that.

Just take a step back OP

Why would you move in an addict so that they're in your DC's orbit?
I KNOW he's your brother
But he's an addict

I wouldn't, under any circumstances, allow an addict near my children

Kindly, you're delusional to think that this will work out ok

He chose to leave rehab. And I don't believe for a second that medical professionals forgot his sleeping meds for an entire week.
Something doesn't add up here.

Realistically - you'd be housing him for years.

He might be clean now (he probably isn't however) but rehab isn't a neat, steady progress kinda thing, its back and forth, its falling off the wagon, its frustration and depression and anger and denial..

That would be hard to live with even if it were just you and him and you had no other commitments or responsibilities.

If he wanted to get clean, he'd have stayed at rehab. He can't sleep because he is an addict withdrawing from substances and possibly an unmedicated ADHD sufferer. You realise that getting a dx and treatment for ADHD could take years, 5 - 7 years is the current outlook for the NHS route for adults. And treatment may not be possible for him even with a dx (I can't have any of the relevant meds!).

Your priority is your partner and your kids. You need to keep your home a sanctuary away from the stresses of real life... don't bring those stresses into your home and your kids lives!

I would have thought if rehab didn't work (given that they have the experience and knowledge to deal with addicts) then there's not much chance that you'll succeed. Plus there are all sorts of risks. It's understandable that you want to help, but I don't think you can.

Your brother is an adult and you have children who need to come first.

No problem and many apologies on my part @Puzzledandpissedoff; I misinterpreted your tone which isn’t always easy to discern on here sometimes! 😁

Op I hope you find the right balance for yourself and your family in supporting your dh, but stepping back a little. It’s far from easy.

Rehab is in the nature of a last chance. If you want the chance, you accept that it won't be an entirely pleasurable experience.

A good phrase I sometimes see on MN: don't set yourself on fire to keep him warm. Your priority must be your children. Let your mother's priority be her son. Your family sentiments are admirable, but listen to the advice on this thread, which is unequivocal - put yourself and your own family first and don't try to save an addict who has walked out of treatment.

It wouldn't be responsible to move a recovering addict into a house with children, and your primary responsibility is to your children.

Your brother has made a big error walking out of rehab, sadly. Be aware there may be quite a bit more to the story than he is telling you.

Some do! My therapist is a recovered addict who has been clean for many years. It can happen, but the addict has to make the decision for themselves.