What would you do in my situation?

[Alwaybkind]

My brother left rehab yesterday as he wasn’t able to sleep for 7 days he finally cracked and left after being there for over two months. He has lost his place at the rehab now. I went and found him and now he is in an Airbnb 5 minutes from me an hour away from our hometown where he usually lives. Mum is staying with him too to keep an eye on him.

Im willing to commit and allow him to move in with him whilst we get him back on his feet. DH thinks I’m wasting my time. Our life is stressful as it work and kids. But I don’t feel like I can just abandon him.

But I think if we both pull together and support him we could do it.

Am I being completely bonkers? I’m willing to give him one chance.

Please don't do this. He will destroy your family if you do. Seriously, your husband and children deserve so much better than for you to bring someone in such a state into your home.

Very very unlikely that they forgot for a week.

No this is completely, utterly naive, but I know why you want to.

Please go to a Nar-Anon meeting yourself, for insight and support for yourself (for families and friends of addicts)

This is all about you trying to 'fix' him.

You're going to give him a room, you're going to take him to meetings, you're going to get the ball rolling on an ADHD diagnosis.

Even you believing the rehab forgot his sleeping pills for a week and he got so wound up he left is so naive.

He needs to be the one doing these things for himself. He's got no reason to try and get better if everyone is busy making excuses for him and fixing all his problems, that just allows him to be passive rather than proactive.

You're clearly a lovely sister, and I get the need to want to support him, but I really believe you will be making a massive mistake.

Rehab "forgot" for a week? Highly unlikely. Even if it was teu, why did he not approach the staff about it? It's far more likely that he was stockpiling or misusing sleeping pills so they took measures to deal with it. Which is why he got in a huff. Or they were short term prescribed and had to be stopped to prevent dependency... which is why he got in a huff.
You are planning to take him to meetings? When exactly? You have work and kids. Who is going to supervise him during the day. Or you think he is just going to abstain for 8h while alone in the house waiting for you to get back and take him to a meeting?
The language you use to talk about him is infantilising. "I take him here and there" is a non starter. If he wants to beat addiction, he needs to be the one who initiates all these plans. I don't see any evidence of him asking for help or suggesting solutions.

I understand why you want to try to help but it wouldn’t be fair on your husband as he’s said he doesn’t want him there. It wouldn’t be pleasant for your children and not something they need to know about their uncle first hand. But also living with you probably would be embarrassing for your brother too. He might not want your family to see him in such a needy position. You can do all the things you mentioned without him living in your home.

Are you involved with a group for families of addicts? If not I recommend you join one as they will be able to give you very specific advice on how you can help him (if at all) and give you support in coming to terms with the limits of what you can do and his recovery process

So do I just bring him back and leave him? I really don’t have a clue what I’m doing right now 😭

Basically, yes. Has he got his own home? Drop him off, make sure he has contact numbers for GP, Samaritans and local rehab and then leave.

You didn't cause this, you are not responsible for this, you cannot change this.

Please, please contact Nar-Anon. They know how to help you.

I mean this kindly but where is his responsibility in all this? It's the rehab fault he left, it's you that has to keep him going to meetings, services, the doctors.

I'm afraid if he is an adult he is only going to recover if he can take these steps himself and for his own reasons, not because his extremely compassionate but perhaps misguided sibling is on his case. I know you want to help but he really needs to help himself. Also the pressure to recover, because you are paying for the air bnb, allowing him to stay, badgering him to engage with services may actually be detrimental and make him less likely to succeed.

Only he can cure it, not you. What about when; he gets wound up at yours. No way would I bring my children into the company of a drug addict.

He doesn’t have anywhere to live I’ll be just dumping him in the street. He is completely clean as-well at the moment.

to be honest sounds strange walking out due to not sleeping. the whole point of the place is to get him over the addiction and also if he has side effects from withdrawal such as insomnia they would have help for that.
seems like he has thrown the towel in too soon. don't take him in think of your kids keep your distance chance is as he has given up so easy he will soon be doing his addiction again

No way. I say this kindly and with experience - you’re being naive. It will be a mess.

Then HE (not you) needs to approach homeless charities and the council.

He won't be housed by either if you are housing him. It will just delay his own place.

How do you know he's clean?

Absolutely not with children in the home. He can stay with your mum.

Trying rehab with the correct medication seems the obvious next step, rather than trying to handle it yourself with no training, and kids in the picture.

Can I ask why you're not considering giving him a chance with that?

How old are your kids?

You could come to seriously regret a decision to take him in if your kids are exposed to shouting, drugs, possible others coming round to get him to pay his debts etc.

I'd want to help but in no way would I be allowing him to move in.

Put your kids first.

He walked out of rehab... He had his chance.

Do not bring an addict into your children’s home. He is an adult and responsible for himself. You are responsible for your children and you must put them first. I understand it’s heartbreaking, but you absolutely cannot put your brother above your children.

The rehab forgot to get him his sleeping pills so that is what caused it He got wound up and left.

If he acts this illogically when trained professionals "forget" something, what will he do if he decides you and your children aren't doing what he wants?

He'll get "wound up", won't he.

Absolutely not in my home.

If his rehab was public funded, he's wasted his place. It will take him a lot of work to get another place. NA meetings may help but he also needs to be accessing substance misuse treatment services.
He may be clean now but he's obviously not motivated or he would have stayed. People with substance misuse issues lie, I believe this is what he has done about the sleeping tablets. He wouldn't have lost his place if it was a staff error.
What is the drug he was using prior to admission?

Is there no other facility he could try?
Tbh it sounds like OP isn't getting the full story there anyway.

@FootstepAway public funded places are so hard to come by. He would not be offered another place for a significant period of time, especially if he walked out