What would you do in my situation?

[Alwaybkind]

My brother left rehab yesterday as he wasn’t able to sleep for 7 days he finally cracked and left after being there for over two months. He has lost his place at the rehab now. I went and found him and now he is in an Airbnb 5 minutes from me an hour away from our hometown where he usually lives. Mum is staying with him too to keep an eye on him.

Im willing to commit and allow him to move in with him whilst we get him back on his feet. DH thinks I’m wasting my time. Our life is stressful as it work and kids. But I don’t feel like I can just abandon him.

But I think if we both pull together and support him we could do it.

Am I being completely bonkers? I’m willing to give him one chance.

You’re just gonna become an enabler . You’re already making excuses for him .
I’ve been there , done that . My former partner died from drink and drugs addiction . It’s a horrible life . Don’t involve your kids anywhere near it .
It’s not your problem to solve and the whole post is about what YOU want not what HE wants and he has to want this for himself not to make anyone else happy coz he won’t do it .

No she's definitely not being told the full story.

Fair enough. What a waste of a chance, in that case!

It depends what the risk is to your kids? An he not stay with your mum? Are the council willing to house him?

Do not expose your children to this. Visit him, encourage him to seek rehab again, be there for your mum but do not let him move in. Also if your DH says no then that is that.

You can’t ‘help’ anyone who’s bolted from rehab. They help themselves by going back.

He’s lying about the sleeping pills.

I sorry but no. My ex was an alcoholic and from my experience they lie, they cheat, they steal a d they gaslight you. I divorced him in the end. It was hell.

NO, NO, NO my answer would always be NO to an addict in my home. My kids and dh's safety and comfort in their home would always come first over anyone, family or friend.

A few years ago, I attended a lecture about these very issues. It’s a real quandary because most of us would want to help our loved one, or at least not see them struggle.
However, the issue is that what generally happens is that the ‘helper’ isn’t actually helping but enabling the addicts behaviour. When there’s always a safety net, nothing will change. They have no choice, it’s the nature of addiction.

You sound like a wonderful and caring sister, but the best thing you can do for your brother is create boundaries. By all means support him, but don’t enable his addiction. So hard. Perhaps this is where your DH is coming from.

I know of people who have found AlAnon really helpful in helping them create those boundaries. It might be worth looking at some of their resources. I think they cover addictions generally, not just alcohol, although there may also be an equivalent for family and friends of narcotic addicts.

Coming off sleeping pills is no fun but if you are going to do it, do it in rehab!
If he’s a drug addict and he’s taking sleeping pills he’s not clean. He’s using. They have a powerfully hypnotic effect and are highly, highly addictive.
He is clearly lying.
He should have stayed in rehab and got support because coming out is just a chance to use again.
You can take him to NA and babysit him. But in the long run you aren’t helping.
He had a valuable place in rehab which was provided to help him and he decided to walk.
Staying is a hard choice, leaving is easier. But it is usually an excuse to leave and use.

No. Being supportive doesn't mean he has to move in.

no! Not an addict, clean or otherwise in a house with kids.

You can still support your brother without offering him a home. Please don't. Put your children first. Your brother may well be clean AT THE MOMENT. How many horror stories have we heard about addicts relapsing again and again? Put him in touch with homeless charities, including Shelter. If there's a relatives' support group for NA, like Al-anon for AA, go to meetings and find your own network of supportive friends.

I think if there is fault at their end re medication then you might be able to have a discussion about him getting back in. That's such a shame that everything wasn't right for him to allow the experience their to reach it's potential re supporting his recovery. You sound like a very caring and thoughtful sister. I agree with others that staying at yours is probably not the right move but I understand why you're considering it ❤️

Why can’t he live with your mum?
you need to put your kids first - a friend from Uni had a similar situation when she was a child and her mother trying to help a sibling. They came home one afternoon to them dead with their feet in the oven - don’t expose your kids to this chaos.

Here’s the bottom line . He left rehab as he is not motivated or ready to change at this time. Don’t listen to nonsense about no sleep, he would have been with professionals who do this every day. He couldn’t manage with support surrounding him in a professional facility.
Moving in with you will be no different and addiction will come first for him untill he’s ready to make change.
don’t do it !

You can support him without him living with you. He's an addict don't let him near your kids.

I've spoken to a few people that have been to rehab and they all speak about this, about how noisy it is, patients screaming and shouting 24/7 and just not being able to get any rest. I think people have this idea that it's a bit like going to a spa and it's actually pretty horrendous

I'd do pretty much anything to help my brother and would take him in under these circumstances on the proviso he would be out at the first sign of a relapse because of the children

While I think it's commendable that you want to do this thing for your brother, there was another thread on here not too long ago with a similar situation where a sister allowed her brother to move into their apartment and the brother contributed nothing to his stay except increased utility bills, increased food bills and washing.The brother in that story had no intention of leaving (as he had a cushy number being put up by his sister her husband and their kids) and it was affecting the sister and her husband's marriage.

Your brother needs proper care and there are teams of people who can offer that to him but he has to commit to the process.

If he checks himself out of a facility, you cannot be his safety net or he'll revert to using you over and over and over again.

I wouldn't let him move in if I were you.

“He doesn’t have anywhere to live”

So you’ll be taking him in indefinitely, against the wishes of your DH? How on earth do you propose that he’ll ever be able to leave? Wouldn’t it make more sense for him to move in with your mother? Or won’t she have him? If you do move him in, don’t be surprised when your marriage breaks up and your DC leave home, never to come back.

Oh god no.. your little family comes first!

Do you think that's a good reason to leave rehab? Because someone forgets to give you sleeping pills one night?

The real reason he left is very likely that he isn't ready to give up his addiction. If he was truly motivated he would have stayed.

You are mad to take him into your home - sorry.

Yes that's madness. Rehabs have professionals. You are very unlikely to be able to match their resources or experience, especially with already having a lot on your plate. Be ready for this to be relationship ending if you go ahead.

What should you do @Alwaybkind?

You should contact https://www.nar-anon.org/what-is-nar-anon or similar and walk away.

With love, he's your brother and you want the best for him, but you are enabling his habit by rescuing him.

The best and most compassionate thing you can do is say;

'I am your sister, and I love you, but I cannot be here if you are in active addiction. If you decide to seek recovery, I will be here. I will listen to you and understand without judgement how you found yourself here. But until you do that, I cannot be here for you, because my life is valuable too'.

And that's all you can do.

Step away with compassion to him and you.

And understand that you have no control over his life.

I wish you the best. It's a hard road.

Honestly I don’t know because I’ve never been in that position.

It’s very easy for posters to sit in their warm home, drinking a cup of tea, to suggest abandoning your brother until he reaches rock bottom. But they don’t know or love him. You’re his sister.

Could you ring the rehab and ask for some advice?