What would you do in my situation?

[Alwaybkind]

My brother left rehab yesterday as he wasn’t able to sleep for 7 days he finally cracked and left after being there for over two months. He has lost his place at the rehab now. I went and found him and now he is in an Airbnb 5 minutes from me an hour away from our hometown where he usually lives. Mum is staying with him too to keep an eye on him.

Im willing to commit and allow him to move in with him whilst we get him back on his feet. DH thinks I’m wasting my time. Our life is stressful as it work and kids. But I don’t feel like I can just abandon him.

But I think if we both pull together and support him we could do it.

Am I being completely bonkers? I’m willing to give him one chance.

We do have children. I agree it’s unfair on everybody but it’s also difficult knowing what to do for the best. We can’t really chuck him out on the street and to be honest in our case it isn’t so much the addiction (prescription meds) as his autism which is a factor because he can’t work but on paper he can, so … Tricky. Anyway, it hopefully won’t be for much longer.

He can start his own ball rolling with the GP for ADHD. It's an idea but isn't going be much of a fix for the bigger issues, which he was already getting help with but rejected. I'm sorry, OP, I understand that you love him and want to help but please listen to the people here who have been through this on various sides and know this kind of well-intended ill-informed help only exacerbates his addiction issues and also causes problems for the rest of the family. Your husband and children matter more in this scenario. You are not responsible for housing your brother and indeed if you take responsibility, the council will never help him. Stop babying him, it's not going to help with the real problem. Unfortunately he needs to reach his own rock bottom then there's a chance he might change, but as him leaving rehab shows, he isn't ready to change and will happily let you take the strain while he reverts to his place of comfort.

I took a family member in, Heroin addict, Difference is I'm single and have no kids and I would never do it again.

I found that every word out of his mouth was a lie, He would manipulate me into getting money, He would tell me he was buying food then would sneak off and buy his drugs then come back off his face. He promised over and over that he would change.

I then came home to find my tv was gone and also my laptop. He stole them to trade in for drugs. Of course he was sorry after the fact and was now getting clean.

He let me set up appointments here there and everywhere and would show up slurring his words and off his face, making me look like a complete idiot. got him on methadone and he started selling it for heroin, I then found out he was getting a friend to pee into a bottle for him so it looked like he was clean so I threw him out. the more i did for him the worse it got..

Two days later I had his dealers at my house demanding the money he owed them.

Three years later he is still on heroin, is on the verge of becoming homeless because he doesn't pay his bills and has been arrested and bailed, he showed up to court off his face.

He has sold everything he owned even down to his kettle, has no way to cook, owns thousands in unpaid bills, not paid his council tax for over a year and his flat now looks like a squat, needles all over the place/outside/at the back of his flat.

You can't fix him, you can't make this better, you can't do this to your family. i know how hard it is to say no and seemingly sit back and let it all happen. they only get help when the time is right for THEM. nothing you say or do will change him or the situation.

Suddenly leaving rehab without support and nowhere to go shows that he cannot be trusted to make good decisions. You cannot have someone unstable like that living in your home with your 2 children. They should be your priority. He needs to go back to his GP and perhaps social services for help.

Don’t. He isn’t ready to face his demons. There is nothing you can do for him unless and until he is.

Yes, basically.

Call adult social services and explain that he will be homeless when the rent for the Airbnb runs out (presumably in the next couple of weeks or so) so he needs to be on priority housing lists.

Don't pick up the slack if he flounces again. You need to prioritise your marriage, your children and yourself or it will all crumble under this. There are already warning signs.

Sorry @Alwaybkind but he’s lying to you!

Ive worked in this field and staff don’t just forget to administer a patients / residents medication for a week!!
call the rehab up - ask them what happened. I’m sure there’s more to this and he’s manipulating you.
I would not allow an addict near my children, and definitely not into their home!
your husband is saying no… respect his wishes and say no!
If my spouse did what you’re planning without my consent I would be packing bags and leaving with the DC !!

I suggest you first contact the rehab and find out what really happened, if it was their mistake you might be able to get him back in, (I doubt it was though!).
next get him urgent appointment at GP’s.
He needs to look at homeless services, these will have knowledge of rehab programs which can be carried out with support in the community.
Do not move him into yours!!….. do not even suggest to anyone that this is an option because it is not.. your husband is not on board so it is not an option !
out if interest - why can he not go back with your mother? If even she isn’t housing him in his hour of need then surely you can see how unsafe it is for
you to put him under the same roof as your children…… what happens when you pick the kids up walk into your home and he’s passed out on the floor or convulsing? Or when they find his secret stash and one takes a pill/inhales powder etc? Or they touch his stash and he looses his temper because he NEEDS that?! Are you going to strip search him including internal checks every-time he pops out and comes back in?

Tell him you’ll help him find accommodation and services to help him but that your DH says no to him moving in with you because you aren’t equipped to support him properly!

Something I learnt was that addicts will sell their own granny for a fix…. They can’t help it but their body NEEDS the drug and coming off it is painful… we had one client say that without medical help (going cold Turkey) felt like they were being turned inside out and pulled out through their arse!
I’ve helped many an addict ‘get clean or dry’…. Sadly they relapse often and will use any excuse … but reality is that they don’t need an excuse… it just happens… I’ve heard it all… it’s my birthday, it would’ve been so & so’s birthday, I woke up and just needed it… headache.. happy, sad etc.. they will invent a reason to relapse!
We’ve had parents disown their children because they’ve come home from work for the 100th time to the TV being sold, money stolen, furniture sold etc..

support him yes … but not in your children’s home!

Read the post from @jafbsd . Carefully.

This could be what you would be letting yourself and your little family in for. You really don't want that.

Speaking from similar experience with my own sibling: No, sorry OP

Because many of us have had addicts in our lives and had to make the same or similar decisions.

Housing him may cause greater problems in the long run.

Once there is a place he can live, any priority status he might currently have will be removed.

Unkind as it sounds, you are not necessarily doing him a favour by trying to help..

This @Alwaybkind is my experience having worked with addicts!….
You can advise and offer support, but your brother needs to be referred to homeless services. They will help him if and when he excepts help!

And sorry @jafbsd you had to go through that

This. OP, you CANNOT ‘get him back on his feet’ I’m afraid, however much you wish you could.

Be prepared for social services to step in and for your children to go on the child protection register if they are living with an addict. If you’re husband was the addict, social services would expect you to leave him or you would lose your children so I could imagine that your husband might be required to move out with your kids if you move your brother in.

I’m surprised that nobody has picked up on this problem yet.

Well, maybe he needs some earplugs then.

This is a very important point, yes

Im sure im completely mad but cant help but want to try

There's no reason why you can't try to help him, OP, but just not in your home where the priority must surely be your DH and DCs

Remember, too, that you only have the addict's word for why he left rehab, which might have a bearing on whether he'll engage with any other help he's offered

How to say you haven't read the OP's posts without saying you haven't 🙄

He walked out of rehab and lost his place there

Social services almost certainly won’t be interested. They often are too overstretched to notice even when there is an urgent need (see Sara sharif; the boys who died in the fire.)

I would take my brother to appointments and help him get scripts for medication etc. but I would never have him live in the same house as my children.
Can he live with your parents?

And, ultimately attempts to 'save' by family members often entrench addiction because there's shame and obligation and dynamics attached. Which, when failure and judgement are attached can send an addict into a spiral of use.

Former addict here. Amazing family who have always done everything possible to support me, including taking me back in their house and helping with drug debts.

The best thing they ever did was finally kick me out and stop giving me money. It allowed me to get a stable HA property and finally sort my life out, including the ASD diagnosis which changed my life and allowed me to put the drugs down permanently once I finally understood what was 'wrong' with me all those years and why I had sought oblivion to cope.

I did read the posts but I had not understood that walking out of one rehab place means you cannot go to any rehab again.

If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got.

He had a funded rehab place. He was on someone's radar - who was it, his GP? Clearly he's lying about the sleeping pills so he wasn't ready. What's changed?

That's unnecessarily flippant.

I take it you have never been in a psych/rehab unit? It doesn't sound like he was in the Priory.