Mum and DH being horrid about getting more cats

[FloydWasACat]

OK, so background is: DH became quadroplegic just under four years ago. I work p/t as we also have 2 children and even though he has carers in I still to do a lot.

Around 8 months ago we had to put our 16 year old cat to sleep. We have another one who is gentle and loving who is 9 and I have noticed that she just seems lonely now.

I told DH that I was thinking of getting another cat from a rescue centre, he went apeshit at me. I would be paying and doing everything and frankly, there is no joy in my life nowadays and both DC would be happy too.

I may have overstepped but Cat Protection League advertised about two 14 month old girls. I put myself forward for them. I genuinely will be the one paying and doing everything. I KNOW our cat will be fine with them otherwise I wouldn't have even considered it.

When I was at work yesterday my DH told my Mum what I was thinking of doing. I got the most abusive phone call from her telling I was 'fucking stupid and an idiot' and 'I forbid you to have them' etc. I am 48 yrs old and after what has happened to DH I just think what the hell, you only get one life and it's giving a loving home to animals in need if care.

AIBU??

Sorry, that was very long. Just feel a bit lonely right now. Thanks if you got through all of that

You really can’t understand why a quadriplegic might not want two young cats jumping and clambering over him, when he’s got no ability to remove them or encourage them away…?

The cats aren’t the real issue here though I don’t think; the OP and her husband need proper support and counselling, individually and together, to work through the situation they find themselves in which is of neither of their choosing.

Incidentally, google reckons a cat is £1,500 to keep - so two additional ones is another £3k…which as a commitment of family money probably needs some form of agreement?

https://www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/blog/everyday-money/what-is-the-average-cost-of-owning-a-cat

I’ve been where you are now and get where you are coming from. It’s an endless and tough treadmill. Your feelings are not unreasonable but imo this is not about whether or not to get more cats. Log onto carers uk forum and look at the posts from others in your situation and you’ll see there are many dealing with what you are also tackling. You may find it useful to post there as well and you will find an empathetic and supportive response from people who truly get how tough and complex the caring situation is. Whether you post or not the forum is good for practical tips about day to day coping and it helps you feel less lonely.
take care and take heart, you are far from being alone in this space 💕💕💕

Just because her husband is disabled doesn't mean he has the ONLY say. It is absolutely not horrible if someone who is a carer does something for herself, that she needs. You should be ashamed of yourself for saying that.

Cats are not hard work at all, and three is the magic number. I think the OP deserves to be becatted of an evening after the kind of days she’s no doubt having, and enjoy the safety in numbers, and the joy they will definitely bring her and her children. If husband was ok with 2 before, it shouldn’t be a huge issue. I couldn’t bare it if I was forbidden my cat quota, life can be so shit, so 3 cats are non negotiable, as they mitigate shitness every single day.

As a carer myself I completely understand how shit it is Tell your Mother to butt out ! I am not "part of the LTB brigade " but perhaps all of you would be happier Your husband has no right to treat you badly or take his anger out on you Being quadriplegic isn't an excuse to be abusive

I don’t understand how the only way to “do something for yourself and be happy “ is to acquire a living thing.

he is the one who is the house 24:7 with the animals , no one else. But his opinion doesn’t matter?

Yeah, definitely get the cats, he can leave you if he’s not happy about it. Sounds like your life would be much more pleasant without him.

No.
She needs to talk to her husband about and IF he wants to talk to lawyers, do so.
It's his portion of inheritance and they are his brothers.
My brother lives in our parents' house with his family, and yes, it is a better place and life than we have. It would be great to have our share, and maybe but something small for ourselves. But I have my good reasons not to demand money, with our without lawyers.
And I would not accept any interference with that.

The OP resents that the money is not available, and she might have good reasons. So she can try and talk her husband into that.
But it's not a case of her getting two cats and a bossy lawyer in, because now that's how we roll.

It's a delicate situation for everybody in the house, putting strains on everybody. And nobody asked for it.
But reducing her husband to a burden with no agency is not the way forward (not suggesting that this is the op's plan, but it would be yours, that's what you are suggesting, and it is wrong).

OP: I can see you are, very understandably, in a bit of a dark place. And stuck. Does your husband feel stuck too, with no perspectives in life?
If there a way that could change, with your help, so in the end you all end up more proud of each other, long term?
I understand it can be a long journey and difficult, but maybe there are good examples, people who went through similar things and managed to improve things a bit, or even a lot. People you could seek advice from our at least read about, looking for solutions?
This is what helped me out in the past, when I felt everything was dark and that I didn't have in myself any miracle to make a difference.
I wish the very best to both of you and to your children.

I agree with most of your post, but I do think it’s important for her DH to get his share of the inheritance given that his care needs are ongoing. It could make a difference to the way he’s living now by buying in better care, or be put away in case he needs full time care at any point.

He’s not getting a say though is he ? OP wants the cats and seems to be pressing ahead with that despite his objections. It makes me wonder what else he’s been forced to accept against his wishes simply because he hasn’t the physical agency to assert himself. The situation sounds quite emasculating for him.

OP has been advised to do something for herself, which is good advice but getting two young cats isn't something purely for herself, it's something that will impact on the whole family.
Usually when a couple are making a decision it is the person who doesn't want to change things that ends up getting their way. That applies from big things like planning another baby to smaller things.
Initially I thought the husband was very wrong to involve OP's mother and that her mother was extremely out of order.
There isn't really an excuse for the way her mother spoke to her and she can't forbid her but now I am wondering if her Mum was at her house talking to her husband while OP was at work because she was helping in some way and that having more pets would also affect her?
It sounds like the issues go much deeper than the disagreement about cats. OP says she is on her own because he is put in his room at 9pm, why doesn't she go in and talk to him, watch TV and chat? OP and her husband don't sound to have much empathy with each other's feelings.
I think everyone involved is having great difficulty adjusting to this distressing situation.
I would still like to know what going ape-shit looked like before calling it abuse. I could understand him saying that we can't bloody afford it and the last thing we need is two fucking cats.

Yes, but this needs to be her DH decision ultimately. And perhaps a life perspective focused on having to be "put away" in storage is not the most conducive to him acting as a useful and loved father and husband.
Life and what we give others happens today, even if horrible things might happen in the future.
If horrible things is the main focus today, horrible things will be today already.

There is planning of course, but the price of it should not compromise everything else.

Really? A quadriplegic partner can just leave?

That was my point. He can make arrangements to separate, or ask her to leave. His needs and disability do not mean that the relationship has to carry on forever.

Actually regarding big decisions like this, I don’t think it does have to be unanimous. How is it fair that one person’s no gets to trump everyone else’s yes? That could potentially lead to living in a dictatorship within your own house.

Maybe one new cat rather than two could be the compromise?

@PersephoneSmith so you're suggesting that a marriage should end over cats?

I think as they’re kittens, two is better than one. They’ll be able to play with each other and not bother the older cat as much, which could also help with the integration.

I think this is very right. I have a dog, and he is a big part of my life, any partners know this and know that dogs are something that are important to me. I am not sure it would be right if I were to lose the current dog for my partner to then have the unanimous veto over bringing new dogs into the home. It isn't a surprise, or a change in lifestyle.

I actually broke up with one boyfriend when he said he was prepared to tolerate this dog. The OP has cats, they are important to her, it isn't a surprise or something new.

What an awful situation to find yourselves in OP. I really feel for both of you, and totally understand how difficult it must be for you, BUT however hard it is for you, you still have full use of your arms and legs, and in all honesty, I don't think anyone, except someone who has been there, can appreciate just how hard this must be for your DH. Why has no one helped him to gain his inheritance? Can you not engage a solicitor to act on his behalf, and pay for it from whatever he gets as his share?

OP, can I please ask, how your DH came to be quadroplegic? I'm assuming perhaps a road accident, but of course it could have been something else. Was he entitled to any form of compensation for his injuries? This and the situation regarding his inheritance are things that could be considered the 'back story' that you haven't given us, and may explain why, apart from his injuries, your DH, is not very pleasant these days. Did he take full advantage of the counselling that he presumably was offered? Do you think he needs further help?

I think the cats are just a tiny bit of what is going on, with you both feeling you want some control over something that is going on in your lives.

All those saying the OP can not make an individual decision on this. Well he made an individual decision not to release equity of an inherited house which means the family have less resources. Who takes the brunt of that. That would be OP wouldn't it who works and cares and looks after two children and has an abusive parent to contend with.
All OP wants is two cats. Two cats aren't a problem. It's the fact her partner and mother have no concept of the sacrifices OP is making or any concept of what might add some joy to her life and think they can abusively tell her so.
The correct answer is. If it makes you happy then get the cats. No other answer is acceptable. He should actually want his wife to be happy not be nasty and abusive to her.

Bless you, people on here can be so horrible. It’s like they think only his opinion matters, it doesn’t. If these little cats will give you some solace and peace of mind, then you’re as entitled as him to decide what happens in your home. As its you that does everything then I don’t see why it matters to him, it’s not like he’ll be looking after them.
as for your mother, I’d tell her to mind her own business and not take her calls for a while, let her get the message that you’re not a doormat that everyone can speak to as they like. You need to make this stand before your children start following suit and thinking, ‘that’s how everyone talks to mum’.

The only thing I'd say from experience is that rescue cats tend to come with problems, that's often why they are being rehomed.